Well, hello, strangers! It has been for EVER! I haven’t blogged since I opened the bar. I’ve been way WAY too busy! But not too busy to waste time with dating apps. I mean, I need something to distract myself from the abject terror of being a first-time business owner!
In the last six (seven? eight?) months, I’ve been on many dates, some of which weren’t terrible. I’ve also fallen in love and gotten subsequently dumped via text. I’ll save that for another post. Nope. Today’s post is of the two most recent horror shows I’ve encountered. There is a dick pic coming (not “cumming,” just about to show up…heh) so consider yourselves warned. (Especially you, Heather!)
I’ll start with today’s hilarity. I saw this guy’s photo on Tinder and swiped right just to troll him. The BDSM get-up was enough for me to know he was a most definite NO but, well, I’m feeling pretty cranky today. And I took that out on this guy. So sue me.
Check out the first few lines of his profile. He’s a believer. Haha! It also said something about “women who make first contact go to the head of the line.” I’m just gonna post the screenshots of our back and forth because our dialogue speaks for itself. (Oy vey. Is that mixing metaphors?)
That was my cue to say “Goodbye!” and UNMATCH!
My other recent paramour was another Tinder sweetheart. His profile said “Let’s meet and see if we’re attracted to each other,” so I wrote, “Let’s meet! And see if we ARE attracted to each other!” He responded: “Aren’t we already?” Ah, men. Don’t they grasp that women need a bit more than a photo? I typed back, “I need to smell you” (or something to that effect). But before he even had a second to read that he zapped this back at me:
SWEET JEEZUS! I CANNOT UNSEE THAT! There is SO MUCH wrong with this photo. Who took it? Where was it taken? Why is he naked and erect? He’s looking a little sunburned so I’m thinking maybe Hedonism. Unless it’s someone’s back yard. Blech. Those tiny little shaved balls make me WANT. TO. PUKE! I don’t wanna see your dick unless I wanna see your dick! Men, take note: JUST. DON’T.