My third piece is up on Gasm.org: Torn
On one of my recent semi-successful (or at least pleasant) OKCupid escapades, I wound up having a rather frank conversation about sex. We were comparing notes on dates that we’d enjoyed and those that were nightmares. One of his horror stories involved a woman in her 50s. Evidently they were having a wonderful time and, as often happens, one thing led to another which led to…bed. The woman hadn’t had sex in seven years (?!!?) and, given the outcome of their coupling, probably won’t be having sex again. Ever. The date went from the bedroom to the emergency room. Apparently that “vaginal tearing” you hear about can get pretty bloody messy. His advice to me? “Stick anything up there, a carrot, anything!” To, you know, keep it more or less, uh, elastic. I nodded in agreement.
You may have read my post a year ago about “finally” having sex: “Like Riding a Bike.” Fortunately I didn’t wind up in the med tent (Burning Man’s emergency room) and though I was worried about lubrication, everything went smoothly. Well, after another full year (?!!?) without any “action” I managed to get laid again. Twice. The guy’s an old friend — and an old fuck — someone I’d slept with a few times before. Bless his heart, he had continued propositioning me throughout my four-year “relationship” and even after. I finally caved. Though it was only a couple rolls in the hay, compared with last summer’s five (but who’s counting?), I had the same concerns.
The first time was, well, pretty much a bit of the old in/out, to quote A Clockwork Orange. But the second was an extended afternoon delight. The fact that the guy is well-endowed only exacerbated my worries. But again, I came through (though didn’t actually come) unscathed. No bloody sheets and no need for medical attention. It wasn’t exactly the, erm, juiciest fuck I’d ever experienced but I’m guessing that may have actually enhanced his enjoyment.
In any case, the fact that I really haven’t been “using it” much has not — not yet, at least — resulted in my “losing it.” I will credit my still-stretchy status to the fact that I continue to enjoy masturbating and often do so with the assistance of my favorite vibrator, Lelo’s “Mona.” (I can’t say enough lovely things about this product and sure wish I could link to my review of it on Carnal Nation, but alas, the site no longer includes anything I contributed.) It is, quite frankly, far more fun than a carrot. And will hopefully continue to keep me tear-free until the real thing “comes” along. Heh.
Alec Baldwin is engaged. The man is 54. His fiancée is 28. Uh-huh.
Yes, I’m obsessed. Obsessed with AGE. Ageism. My age. Old age. The ages of the men who cruise me online who are my age but look so, so much older. And the men who’ve visited me at the bar, parking their asses in the punk rock surroundings and looking incredibly out of place. Oh. And my fear. My fear that there is simply no one out there who will save me from a lonely dotage.
But I refuse to succumb to this fate. I will continue to delude myself that there is, indeed, someone out there, regardless of age, who will appeal to me. Who I will appeal to. Someone with whom I’ll click. And fuck.
I’ve been trying to figure out if there are any similar traits in the many men I’ve managed to fall in love with. Height? Weight? Cock size? Hair color? I say I love great teeth but have any of these guys actually had great teeth? What really matters? Let’s have a look, shall we?
Age: Two years older than me.
Looks? Okay. Could be cute at moments.
Cock Size: Average, I guess…it was my first!
Hair Color: Dark Brown
Eye Color: Brown
Great Teeth? No
Most apparent personality trait: Somewhat nondescript.
What, if anything, did we have in common? Not much. He came from “the wrong side of the tracks” and didn’t have much ambition.
Circumstances of initial sexual encounter? I lost my virginity to him and he gave me my first orgasm.
Comments: He stayed in pretty much the same place his whole life and is still there now. He has more money (and property) than I do. Not sure if he’s still married. We were more a couple of convenience; since friends of ours got together it made sense for us to couple up as well.
Age: Same age as me.
Looks? Really cute.
Cock Size: Slightly above average, if I recall correctly, and also “slender.”
Hair Color: Dark Brown. And curly!
Eye Color: Blue
Great Teeth? Yes, if not perfect. A great smile!
Most apparent personality trait: Extremely gregarious. A male version of me.
What, if anything, did we have in common? At the time, everything. We lived in the same dorm, both born in May, same ages. Probably equal IQs and quick wits. Adventurous, partiers, loved to dress up, all around fun.
Circumstances of initial sexual encounter? I don’t really remember. We were both slutting around like crazy those first few months of college and were friends, first. After much note writing on each other’s white boards, we decided to take the relationship a step further. It was good, as I recall…
Comments: As is most of college, it’s a blur of booze and drugs and music and roommates and messy fights about stupid shit. But it was most definitely passionate.
Age: Two years younger? Three? Maybe even four…
Build: Leaning toward future pudge but probably best described as average.
Looks? Model adorable!
Cock Size: Average
Hair Color: Light brown-to-blond
Eye Color: Blue-green
Great Teeth? Yes
Most apparent personality trait: Shy, studious, polite, a very “nice” guy.
What, if anything, did we have in common? Not much. He was friends with the guys who lived downstairs from me when I moved to Newport Beach. He slept with my sister first, surprisingly… He was still in college and I was working for Times Mirror Videotext, a totally 9-to-5’er and wanna be yuppie. We had a lot of romance.
Circumstances of initial sexual encounter? I think I seduced him! Seriously, he was so cute…and available.
Comments: We were really in two different places in our lives but we managed to make it work for a short while. He’s now a family counselor and happily married. Still a very nice guy.
Age: Four years younger, I think.
Looks? Kinda cute.
Cock Size: Average
Hair Color: Dark Brown and Curly
Eye Color: Brown
Great Teeth? Definitely not.
Most apparent personality trait: Chatty, friendly.
What, if anything, did we have in common? Just about nothing. He worked nights in a local club, I worked days at NYPress (I think) and bartended two nights a week; we didn’t have all that much time together.
Circumstances of initial sexual encounter? I thought it was gonna be a one-night stand. Brought him home from the club and then…he called. We lived together for about two years. And went on some fun vacations.
Comments: This was definitely a case of taking what came along. Looking back, I can’t believe we lasted as long as we did. We really weren’t a very good match.
Age: Four years younger. Definitely.
Looks? Cute in ways.
Cock Size: Above average.
Hair Color: When I met him, he was dying it black and it was long. Natural color was a pale brown and curly once it got long-ish.
Eye Color: Pale blue
Great Teeth? Not perfect, but a great smile.
Most apparent personality trait: Shy, quiet. He had a very nice “way.” Serious. Very “German” in a work ethic-type way.
What, if anything, did we have in common? We had a lot in common. We were both writers, pornographers, fans and consumers of peculiar things…
Circumstances of initial sexual encounter? He was initially a one-night stand and that first night was…great. He called and we fucked like bandits for a long while, long past when we got married. The passion faded, as it often does, and attempts to rekindle it were largely unsuccessful.
Comments: Though the first seven years (?!?!) were wonderful, communication eventually deteriorated… It still makes me sad to think about it because he was the closest I’d ever come to a true “soul mate.” We were married, in the end, for 16 years, even if those last few were somewhat estranged. He is a great guy and I miss him.
Age; Eight years younger, I think…
Cock Size: Above average, also “slender”?
Hair Color: Light Brown
Eye Color: Green/Grey/Hazel
Great Teeth? Yes
Most apparent personality trait: Gregarious, fun, partier, political, serious at times.
What, if anything, did we have in common? Well, we had (and still have) Burning Man in common, and often that’s enough.
Circumstances of initial sexual encounter? Oh my…there was just sooo much making out before any sex at all. SO MUCH making out! And the best ever. The sex, when it finally happened, was pretty damned great. Though the “forbidden” aspect probably contributed to that quite a bit.
Comments: Out of all these guys, he’s the only one I’m still close with. I sure do wish I could recapture the passion I had for him because he’s certainly handy!
Age: Twelve years younger. Fer sure.
Looks? Handsome, in an odd way.
Cock Size: Above average, especially girth-wise.
Hair Color: Dark Brown
Eye Color: Brown
Great Teeth? Nope.
Most apparent personality trait: Quiet, brooding, cultivated an air of mystery. Smart.
What, if anything, did we have in common? We were both working DPW so it was Burning Man to the nth degree. It’s like a secret society or cult; once you’re a member, there’s a blood bond.
Circumstances of initial sexual encounter? We were wandering around during the event, dropped E and I dragged him back to my tent for a blowjob. Subsequent encounters were fucking amazing…to the degree that I found myself painfully obsessed. We would break up and be apart, only to re-couple. It was brutal. And unfortunately the best sex of my life. I’ll attribute much of that to experience…
Comments: Since the guy is a pathological liar it’s tough to say nice things from my current perspective. It was most definitely not a healthy relationship. But I loved him more than anyone ever will. Getting over him has been a horror. Thank heavens I feel mostly healed!
So what can I glean from this exercise? That great teeth aren’t a necessity. That the guy doesn’t need to be taller than me. Dark hair more than light…shy or serious, sorta inconsequential. And apparently it doesn’t even matter if we have anything in common. So what is it that makes for romance? Oh, if only I knew! If only anyone knew! There’d be no need for online dating sites or matchmakers or any of that crap! Collectively, we stumble blindly toward the light.
Okay, so I’m feeling a little bit better today…the fact that my Mac crashed and cost me a cool $450 (that I totally cannot afford) to fix might have factored into my funk. Thank yous to The Poet, E and Ironman for their kind words. My editor of the “published piece” has advised me not to directly address reader responses. I couldn’t help myself. So from a more positive perspective, I’d like to address some of those insensitive comments here:
bah, she’s the same age as my mom.
Oh. So does that mean that because you can’t imagine your mom having (or enjoying) sex that all women your mom’s age shouldn’t?
Anyone who refers to themselves as “legend”, in or out of print, is anything but a legend.
Uh, I didn’t refer to myself as a legend. It was a comment from a friend who I was quoting. Agreed, a bit self-congratulatory.
WOW! I know who this writer is. She is a drugged up self absorbed Burning Man type.
Yes, yes, she most certainly is! Okay, I’m not completely and totally self-absorbed. And not perpetually drugged-up. Burning Man type? Most definitely.
why is a 52 year old living in the east village? I live in the east village and feel like I’m old enough to be the parent of most of the kids I see walking around. Dude, I’m still in my 20s. Note to writer. Move to UES, and buy a couple cats.
Let’s see. How many things are wrong with this comment? Is there an age limit for living in the East Village? I see plenty of ancient folks pushing their walkers around here. Clearly the commenter can’t afford to live here, which is why I live here. I wouldn’t live on the Upper East Side if it were free! Idiot. But you’re still in your 20s, so perhaps that’s a given…
OMG.. I’m not even sure what I want my sex life to be like when I’m 52. I would rather just be super super super rich and not have one.
Well, having a sex life is certainly preferable to not having one. And you can’t blame anyone for wanting one! If you’d rather be “super super super rich,” good luck to you! It’s easier for a 52-year-old to get laid than to magically become “super super super rich.”
I know we’re always being told to applaud the older set for trying to be sexual, it’s just kind of gross.
Well, I hope that when you reach 50, your sex life is zilch, zero, zip, nada! Cause that would be, ya know, gross. Karma is a bitch!
And lastly, one comment came from a fellow blogger:
interesting. single and 52 has more masturbating and sexual experimentation than single and 25. i can’t tell whether i’m worried, amused, sympathetic or vaguely grossed out.
I gave her a comment on her blog:
I hope things work out between you and your new boyfriend. If they don’t, you may find yourself single…perhaps even at 52.
I would never have imagined I’d be single and 52, I’ll tell you that! I’ve had a number of boyfriends and was married for a long time but, well, life happens. I sure as hell have had a fucking wild ride (both literally and figuratively) and wouldn’t change a thing.
The fact that you’d feel ANY of those things at the mere thought of a 52-year-old experimenting sexually just points to your young age and relative inexperience. Most “olds” are stuck in miserable sexless marriages. No one knows what the future will bring. You might want to be careful about what you make fun of. Cause 25 years from now, you could be ME! Bwahahahah!
Honestly, the more I look at these immature responses the better I feel. I’m sure I would’ve been disgusted by horny 50-year-olds when I was in my 20s but I would’ve been a bit more sensitive if I’d been addressing their sex lives. Or lack thereof. Ideally, I’ll have a whole new story to tell by the time I get back from the playa!
…even when they won’t give up! I’ve made it pretty clear in both my online profiles that I’m not interested in older men. I haven’t dated anyone older since before I got my driver’s license. I’m simply not attracted to older men, now especially, when “older” is practically synonymous with white-haired, paunchy and boring as hell. My warning off of these men doesn’t always work; hope springs eternal where there’s Viagra to help other things spring. I probably shouldn’t even respond to these old men and their cyberpasses but I can’t help myself. I believe it’s polite to reply, doing unto others as I’d have done to me. OR in their cases, not done to me… Here are a few of my recent online encounters with older men:
Subject: and now for something completely different
The saying goes that a cynic is a frustrated optimist. I guess that fits particularly well here. You say you will be surprised if I can show you something new. But to me every woman is a completely new experience. Kissing is different, often even at different times with the same woman. Making love is certainly different, if you are paying any attention at all. Every woman wants to be touched in different ways and is excited by different things. And is not always in the mood for the same thing. That’s one of the wonderful things about making love. It’s never the same. Of course I can’t guarantee to provide you with that zing we are both seeking. It might be there…. Only one way to find out. Please read my profile and then get in touch and we can see about making you simply an optimist.
Thank you for your kind note. I read your profile and you sound like a lovely man. However, I can’t imagine the two of us together in any way. You are free to google me: EditrixAbby (check Facebook), read my blog (www.editrixabby.wordpress.com) or my web site (www.editrixabby.com). It will be pretty obvious what kind of life I lead. And though you say in your profile that you’re looking to see different places and do different things, I somehow can’t envision you spending three months in the Nevada desert working for Burning Man. It’s getting depressing seeing how many men out there (in here?) are so unhappily married. I’m not sure which is sadder, the 60+ men such as yourself, when one would hope to have found someone to get old with, or the 20-somethings who are already miserable and looking to cheat. It’s all a pretty discouraging situation… I wish you the very best in your search.
Subject: Thank you for responding
Thanks for your kind response. There is so much incredible rudeness in these on-line dating sites. I always respond to anyone who contacts me, even if to try to politely say no thanks. I read some of your blog at EditrixAbby. I found it both hilarious, the way you send up the men, and sad. Here is what tiny wisdom I have. Emphasis on tiny. I left my wife for awhile. It made my kids and family miserable. My kids are the most important thing in the world. Also, my dating experiences on websites for singles were awful. So I went back. Things were better for awhile, but the basic problems remain. I’m often lonely and unhappy and like you, I don’t know what I want. So I look for sex to make me feel better. Is that a good solution? No. Does that make me a good person? No. Have I actually hooked up with any on this site? No. So why do I keep at it? Humans are not totally rational, are we. And the need for connection is strong and sex is one of life’s wonders. Life is not simple. People find themselves in situations that are not easy to leave. There is lots of unhappiness in the world. And they try to find some small pleasure. Yes, many people are self-absorbed jerks. You didn’t need to come here to discover that, but it may be more on display here. This is after all a website for men and women who want to cheat. So why be surprised to find that. You sound like me in that there are things driving you that you don’t understand. I’m sure wise folk would tell both of us that the route to happiness is through self understanding and that you can’t love another if you don’t love yourself.
Best in your search.
Subject: right, friends first, then lovers
Wanted to make one more comment. Like you, all my significant relationships came from being friends first and then falling in love. Seems the right way to go about it. Means there is some real basis to the attraction and some hope of it lasting for awhile. So if a real connection is what you are looking for why waste your time on this site? You may have some fun making fun, but you won’t find anything really worth much. Of course you could ask me the same question…. And I would refer you to my previous message.
I’m on thus site for the same reasons I do many things: I’m an experience junkie and everything makes good blog fodder. My relationships have not been friends first. The last three were one night stands that became more. I have, literally, hundreds of friends. I meet new people often and easily. This site is merely another avenue. Though you do seem intelligent and thoughtful, both rarities on here, I don’t think we would ever be friends. Our lives are far too different. I appreciate your candid thoughts and opinions and hope you find happiness.
Subject: fond farewell
Ah, you and I agree on so many things. We agree that we are not likely lovers or even friends. We agree that nice in this context is an insult. And we agree that no means no.
I wrote back to your first clear rejection because you were so polite about it and that is rare in this space so I wanted to acknowledge it and thank you.
And I wrote back because you invited me to view your web presence, which I did. And a few things I read there prompted me to respond, one human to another. You say many contradictory things, much makes you no different than the rest of us. Some of them touched me. You invited me in to that space. I thought it polite to comment. Just to be clear, I was not still trying to convince you how winning I am. Here, clearly, I’m not.
Very impressive web search
you are hot stuff and
i like it, ooh! ooh! pick me, plz!
I am older, not younger, no fooling. We marginally match according to statisitcs, but I found no one that I would fit as well as with you. I am the Peter Pan, the mid summer’s night dream, the residdent from New Orleand, Austin and SF. Yes, I did live all over, love to be dressed up, tall and what I would like to do to you that you would enjoy if I catch you. You are getting older, so the body may not be so forgiving, but we could hit the all night and after hours places or just stay home and party. I used to own spots in flea markets, like brunches and nearly everything you do, I like also. I did fly planes and I do go boating, go naked on the beach and so much more.
Can you enjoy a older guy who is sincere and honest, fun and real active and would appreciate you on the inside and out and every contradiction. Lets visit and maybe even live on different continents. Vist Australia or South Pole? Tahitiaand Bora Bora.
Tempted? Now you know how I feel.
Yes, I can probably enjoy an older guy. Whether or not I can have sex with you is a whole other story. Attraction and chemistry doesn’t follow logic, unfortunately. Or I suppose no one would be single.
I’d be happy to have lunch or whatever…and see what happens. But please don’t expect anything!
I never expect anything and sometimes surprised by what I do get. Sounds different, but the fun is in the play and the exploration of someone, sometimes more than the act of intercourse itself, like the guy cupping your breasts.
I once gave a woman an orgasm by foot massage and it was a first date with all our clothes on. So one never knows.
Btw, I got this after perusing your web and blog sites and after I sent the second message. Oops! Your are extraordinary, not for the sexual antics, but the open and honest adult communication without and inhibitions. I did standup comedy and always had to bite my tongue. Maybe I can get to bite yours.
Meet me with no expectations and no agenda, maybe even go for a bike ride, laugh and be spontaneous. You may decide that I can keep up. OMG, can I be a match?
I think I’m gonna have to say no. I’m sorry. I just can’t deal right now.
Too much unbridled enthusiasm based on my web presence is not a good thing. It is definitely not who I am in person.
Sorry, about the exuberance. Was about your writing styles, not about your topics or your web presence. Guess you mis-read, but that is okay as we are not always in a good place all the time. I found the idea that your contradictions were appealing, especially the quiet private time, just two out for a picnic but your capability to dress for a holiday. I am like this all the time, so I wish you luck and if you ever want to just meet for a bite to eat and find out whom I am, that is fine.
You had a very nice profile and I hope we would both enjoy meeting each other. I’m seeking a woman that is cool, laid-back, relaxed yet adventurous. I’m secure, bright and witty, with a sense of humor, so hopefully we will talk and laugh a lot together. It also seems we are both lovers of life, with an edge.
I am a 56 year old Harlemite, a fledgling entrepreneur and socially active. I founded a small charity sending medical equipment to third world countries; I belong to several Chivalric Orders (knighthoods) and I ran some formal balls; yet I managed punk bands in the late 70’s. Even though I’m a cis-male, I am very queer friendly.On the kink side, I am Dom, though I do like a little pain.
I enjoy riding, painting and cooking; in fact few things give me greater pleasure than preparing dinner for someone I care about. I read to distraction and like going to museums (I make a good tour guide). I have been known to sing in public and I often wear kilts, so I hope that won’t scare you off.
Perhaps we can chat soon.
Who is Alla? Not me. My name is Abby.
I appreciate your fact-filled email. Unfortunately I’m just not interested. I haven’t had much luck with love on this site and lately haven’t felt motivated to go on any more dates. It’s simply not a “normal” dynamic and not how I interact — and successfully get to know — people. On the kink side, I’m neither a domme or a sub, really, but am really not even kinky. So I’m not up for experiencing OR inflicting any pain…
Wearing kilts would NEVER scare me off, as I’m sure you’re aware if you’ve researched me at all…and certainly if you didn’t think your “kink” wouldn’t scare me off. Hah.
I’m sure you are all those wonderful things you’ve listed and more but I just don’t have the bandwidth anymore…
Best of luck in your search!
I mis-typed, so sorry Abby. Thank you for the kindest rejection letter, I have ever received. I thought it delightful.
And still more from the recipient of my most brutal blow-off email ever:
Date: Apr 29th – 10:26pm
Extremely curious about you and would love to learn more about you and what you are looking for. Your profile says a lot but I suspect there is a lot more. How do I find you?
Date: Apr 30th – 8:43am
Subject: RE: RE: you
Still wondering, but will be patient.
Date: May 2nd – 6:42pm
Shall I give up?
Date: May 2nd – 11:59pm
Subject: RE: you
I don’t know how many more times you’d like me to tell you I’m not interested before you give up. I can continue to reject you if that’s what you enjoy.
Date: May 3rd – 12:06am
Subject: RE: RE: you
Sorry I missed it. It would not have worked anyway.I just reread your profile and did not realize certain things about you.
Date: May 3rd – 1:17am
Subject: RE: older men
Date: May 4th – 1:12am
Glad you have a good sense of humor. We may not be for each other but you can still tell me a few things about yourself. We could always be friends.
Signed, The rejected old man.
Date: May 5th – 11:58pm
How are you?
Wow. You’ve really gotta hand it to this guy. He just keeps swingin’!