Tag Archives: SeniorPeopleMeet

A Two-Way Street

Love and online dating: both are definitely a two-way street situation. As it is in a crowded room, one person checks the other person out, sends a “flirt,” a wink or a smile, perhaps even an email. (Or, in the case of SeniorPeopleMeet, a flaming heart or whatever) The other person responds…or they don’t. If you follow my posts, it may often appear as though I’m a sitting duck (or chick, if you will), fielding flirtation from dozens of online suitors. I rarely tell you about the men I email who don’t respond. Somehow that just doesn’t seem quite as hilarious. Hah. Well, here are a few.

I sent this message to a guy in LA whose profile picture was of someone skateboarding at Burning Man.
Hey, you’re skateboarding at my friends’ camp! Sorry to bother you from afar…I’m always compelled to click on the playa pix…
He never responded.

A friend “recommended” this guy’s profile, thinking he’d be a good match for me. I checked him out; one of his pix was captioned “Sunday mornings are not pretty.” I thought it was a cute picture. I sent him this:
I disagree with your assessment of Sunday mornings. That shot is great! A friend told me to look you up on here…curious why that marshmallow robot hasn’t ever tossed you my way. Check out my profile and see if anything piques your interest.
No response.

This guy was both one of my “Quiver Matches” and of definite interest:
Hmmm, I think I can say yes to all of your “You should message me if”s… 
The marshmallow robot has put you in my Quiver and suggested I send you a lovely email. Dunno how lovely this is…your “responds selectively” is preventing me from spinning a lengthy yarn. But I thought I’d drop you a line and see if you’d be up for a beer or something. I’ve noticed that you’ve visited my profile…not sure if that means you aren’t interested or shy. Which is it, Sir Cutup? Enjoy this sunny Thursday! 
And again, no response.

I can only conjecture why men don’t respond. They aren’t interested is the obvious one. Maybe they’ve met someone. Or are simply too busy. OKCupid has a feature that tells you how often people respond: Often, Selectively or Rarely. I respond to every guy who emails me, regardless of how rude or ridiculous, age or geographically inappropriate. I try not to mislead — or lead on — anyone. If I’m not interested, I do my best to let them know politely and gently, often with “Best of luck in your search,” which I believe sounds rather final. Of course, even when I’ve been pushed to say something as definitive as “There is no way there would ever be any romance between us,” some men manage to maintain optimism.

Meeting someone online — and subsequently in person — is a crapshoot and, in a way, a miracle. Two strangers synch up their schedules, suspend their cynicism and mistrust and put themselves in the same room…it takes a lot of…what? Faith? Hope? Both, and yes, optimism. Sometimes I find it difficult to believe that it even happens. And I do it all the time!

Whether I’m turning someone down or being the one (silently) turned down, I do my best to keep hoping.

Vast (Cyber) Wasteland

Sigh. I have been feeling SO scattered! Not having internet access in my apartment is a royal pain in the ass. I just can’t quite concentrate in the coffee shop. Hopefully I get something hooked up soon! Until then, the best I can do blog-wise is complain about blind dating…

I’ve only been back in NYC two weeks and I managed to schedule 10 dates. As a result I’ve tolerated paranoid emails, name-calling, cancellations, rescheduling and feeling ridiculed. I’ve had to buy my own beer and my own tea, and when dinner was paid for, it was done so begrudgingly, since the dude’s ex-wife wasn’t as financially independent as he would’ve liked. Mind you, he chose a really expensive restaurant or I would’ve paid. Hell, I didn’t order an appetizer (or a second beer…or dessert) just in case I did have to pay. But he offered. And then complained about it in an email. Whatthefuckever. He almost fell off his barstool when he saw my (wrist) tattoos. I asked him if he actually looked at my profile pix, since my crown tattoo is very visible. In that aforementioned email, he also said, “I was a little suprised at how tall you were.” Yet one more little factoid that was INCLUDED IN MY PROFILE!

So yeah, the dates I actually went on have been varying shades of tolerable. The latest was a nice guy, if not a match made in heaven, but I can’t quite grasp how it was we wound up out together. I’m beginning to lose faith in OKCupid’s marshmallow robot! One gentleman sent me a note assuming I’d be “surprised by his profile,” one that was accompanied by a shot of him in black underwear, holding a whip. He thought he was interested in BDSM but, when it came down to it, is only seeking a woman who’ll take charge in the bedroom. I assured him that his profile did not surprise me in the least, given my bizarre lives, and met with him, more or less, on a “consultation” basis. I enjoyed his company and hope to introduce him to a few sexually aggressive females!

SeniorPeopleMeet has been a horror show. One guy cancelled on me, rescheduled and then cancelled again. He said he had a chemo appointment. Now, if that’s true, I’d be happy to reschedule again. And if it’s a lie, it’s a pretty evil one. Fortunately I found one guy on there who’s actually a burner. I won’t get my hopes up, but at least he won’t make fun of me — and Burning Man — through an entire meal. Ugh. How do I communicate to men that I’m not interested in “squares” without sounding like a square myself? “Don’t be a muggle!”? I don’t even know what “normal” is anymore.

Well, at least my one-month membership on SPM will be expiring (not a moment too) soon! Check out these gems:

like to ride motorcycles go to dinner i am new at this.

[Uh, that’s pretty obvious. Are you new at typing, too? Sheesh! This next guy’s screen name is WILDJIM. Uh-huh, really wild!]

i am a veteran i do a lot for the clubs of the vets my passion in life is are my kids and grandkids

[Yup, nothin’ like grandkids to say, “Whoa, baby, I’m a WILD man!]

Hey girl… I just viewed your profile. My name is Bob and I am here in Reynoldburg Ohio. A couple quick things; I am self employed and a Antique Furniture Dealer. I do have some cars and my favorite is my 1969 Firebird Convertible with 912HP engine. Yes it is quick and fast. You will see this in my photo’s. I do want to mention that I do not know you other than by your photos. I like to joke around and please don’t take this comment only as a complement… Well from what I see from your photo’s I would travel across the Sahara Desert in 120 degree heat barefoot and walk across many pieces of glass just to hear you tinkle in a pop can :)) Smile!!! 
Hey I am Reynoldsburg Ohio and you can give me a call on my cell phone at 000-000-0000.

[Yeah, I get it. You’re in Reynoldsburg, OH. So why the hell are you writing to me? Are you gonna drive that super-fast ’69 Firebird all the way to Manhattan to meet me? Oh. Wait. Tinkle in a pop can? Sooooo not my thing, dude!]

I want you, my dear readers, to know that, if nothing else, these dates (or near dates) are all blog fodder so I can continue to entertain you. If I were only (only? ONLY!) looking for true love, I would’ve jumped off a bridge ages ago! Cause online dating is a fucking vast wasteland! Anyway…onward!

Shooting (Jesus) Fish in a Barrel

In my relentless pursuit of hilarity — as opposed to true love — I’ve continued spelunking on the interwebs, which isn’t news to you, my dear readers. Most recently I joined two sites that are so pathetically cringe-worthy that I’m embarrassed to mention them. Well, not that embarrassed. The first one was SeniorPeopleMeet, which I ridiculed in an earlier post. They continue to send me new “matches” and some of the guys don’t look too objectionable. I haven’t forked over the cash to contact anyone, but I might soon, once I’m out in the desert with nothing but time (and a whole lotta booze) on my hands. Stay tuned.

The second one I signed up for is — brace yourselves — ChristianMingle. I KNOW! I’m about as far from religious as can be AND am well aware that the chances of my having anything at all in common with a man who’d be on that site are probably zero. But that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be amusing to try. Who knows? Their tag line is “Find God’s Match for You” (TM). I’d be willing to suspend judgement — and disbelief — if it leads to eternal happiness. Or at least life-long happiness.

I haven’t paid my membership dues, so I can only sit passively while God-fearing men visit my profile, give me “flirts” or send me email messages that I’m unable to read. I’m weighing the idea of actually joining.

Making fun of the fat old men in flannel shirts and baseball caps on SeniorPeopleMeet is easy enough; ridiculing the Christians is more like, literally, shooting (Jesus) fish in a barrel. The mere fact that they go to church doesn’t make for great comedy. However, some of their profile info is ripe for the pickin’:

This hot little number describes himself as “full-figured,” which I’m pretty sure was meant to be for women to click. His favorite TV show is the “700 Club. No surprise, then, that he’s a Conservative. Or that he’s never been married.

This guy could use a better photo. I can’t even see his face. He’s a Catholic and I’m less afraid of them than the Fundamental types and he even drinks “On occasion.” If only I could get a closer look…

Another shot that’s so small I can’t see his face. What is it with guys who pose by their cars? I see it on all the sites. Does it say “Look, I have a car?” Or “Look, I can drive?” Or is just an extension of their penises? Either way, it’s not a good look. What if women posed with their shoe collections? Pets are one thing, as they (supposedly) help to humanize you. Cars just make you look desperate. And don’t get me started on shots beside boats!

Yet another shot of a whole body. Look, I have one! This is the most unfortunate because he actually looks cute. Equally unfortunate, however, is his identifying as an “Ultra Conservative.” The rest of his profile looks acceptable, but his grasp of commas leaves something to be desired: “I am freindly,outgoing,and I love God. I love the outdoors,good food,music and enjoy long rides,” [sic] I adore the fact that he’s “a somewhat fashionable person.” Word. Diggin’ that cowboy hat. “Innewengland,” no less.

On the whole, most of these guys don’t look half bad, to the degree that is’t tough to find fault. Again, not the funniest. That I wouldn’t have much in common with them is sort of beside the point. I’m sure there are plenty of God-fearing women out there anxiously awaiting divine dating intervention.

It’s actually kind of shocking to me that so many people attend church on a weekly basis. Or say they do. If everyone in Manhattan decided to go to church next Sunday I don’t think there’d be room in the local houses of worship to hold them all. Even with staggered services. If Middle America is predominantly Christian, that makes sense. It’s the tri-state area that I assumed was less pious. You know what they say about assumptions. I don’t suppose I need to point out that I live in a bit of a bubble.

I’m also somewhat flummoxed at how few of these folks drink. Many checked “Never.” Never? Really? I could probably get over their church attendance before I could get over their sobriety.

Equally shocking is how many 50-somethings are interested in having children. Do people really want to be in wheelchairs at their kids’ college graduations? Just sayin’.

Okay, so that wasn’t quite as hilarious as I thought it would be. But no less true. Perhaps over the summer I’ll consider becoming “reborn.” Again, stay tuned!

Overall, I’d give this site a shot if I weren’t so afraid of rejection. I mean, once they found out what a heathen I am — in myriad alarming ways — I’m sure I’d get the old heave-ho. Ho-ho. Maybe I’ll create a fictional me and engage in make-believe romancing. Sigh. I’ll look for signs from heaven…