Tag Archives: Saturday Night Live

Mother’s Day, Ashley Madison, Dirty Words & Ellie Goulding

While attempting to update my profile on Ashley Madison, I kept getting an error message telling me I can’t use the word “culo.” I spent 10 minutes trying to figure out what the hell the site was talking about and eventually figured out that within the word “ridiculous” is the word “culo.” So I can’t use the word “culo” or “ridiculous.” I can see A FUCKING MILLION HIDEOUS COCKS IN BATHROOM MIRRORS BUT I CAN’T USE THE WORD RIDICULOUS! It is ricockulous! Seriously.

I’ve been told I couldn’t use the word “cock,” either. Yup. You can post photos of them but heaven forbid you should, you know, TYPE the fucking word. I substituted “c*ck” but there’s nothing I can do to un-see those penises. Ashley Madison needs a photo editor.

Saturday Night Live was pretty hilarious tonight. That birthing video. Hah! But this Ellie Goulding? What the hell? With all the talent on, well, America’s Got Talent, American Idol and The Voice, how the hell did this limp little blonde get a record deal? She sucks. Her cover of  “Your Song” was painful. She’s trying to sound like Bjørk and doing a lousy job of it. Ah, what do I know?

My mom is 3,000 miles away. She’s going to dinner with my sister and friends of hers (of my sister’s, not my mom’s) in the Mission. I’ll be spending my Mother’s Day in the Hamptons, celebrating a friend’s birthday (mine, not my sister’s). The birthday girl is sober but I plan on drinking. At least my ex-husband won’t be there. What? You already knew I was a cunt!

You’ve Got Cock!

In a moment only a whimsical writer such as myself could script, I sat down this morning to write about the disembodied dicks phenomenon and, turning on the TV for background noise, wound up watching “You’ve Got Mail.” As with the previously wept-overMust Love Dogs,” I’d never seen the movie. But man, have things changed since the uber-innocent Meg Ryan and handsomely earnest Tom Hanks exchanged zeros and ones through the ether! Remember those bleeps and buzzes as your dial-up connection connected? It seems like decades ago!

The world wide web has always been an arena for X-rated antics, so the whole here’s-my-penis thing isn’t exactly news. But sending a stranger a shot of your cock in hopes of romancing her has moved from the daring, swinging, “desperate hopes of a semi-immediate hook-up” Craigslist realm to the positively commonplace. It seems like everyone is zapping their prick around the internet. Politicians can’t seem to keep their dicks in their pants or off their iPhones! Sports figures and movie stars are compelled to over-share. Even last night’s Saturday Night Live had a skit about it: a service that will photograph and then enhance your less-than-impressive penis before you click send. It was hilarious! And not all that far-fetched.

Maybe it’s because I’ve recently been writing about it but it seems like internet genitalia has suddenly become a meme. Many of my friends have been Facebooking about them, there’s the aforementioned Saturday Night Live skit and the many public figures, plus, well, all the press about Ashley Madison has upped the buzz-quotient about online affair-arranging and the resulting profusion of online penises.

To further explore this phenomenon I’m planning to conduct some “hard” research. I want to know why! And if it actually works! So I’m gonna have to keep inspiring men to send me their “packages” and ask a lot of “probing” questions. Guffaw. But first let’s address what thought processes may explain the male inclination to email their members.

I’ll begin with the sweeping generalization that females are not “visual.” There are dozens of profitable men’s porn magazines and practically zero for women; the bulk of adult movies are viewed by men; fetishists with ultra-specific fixations are primarily men; and despite the short-lived success of  Chippendales, or the humor of “The Full Monty,” usually when there’s an audience watching a naked body onstage, it’s primarily comprised of males. So it could be that men think “I like to see sexy, therefore she will enjoy seeing sexy.” Of course, sexy is in the eye of the beholder.

Which logically leads to the question: what about the basic aesthetic appeal of men’s genitalia? If you visit a museum just about anywhere in the world, you’ll find dozens of representations of the fine female form. Men, not so much. Yes, there’s David, by both Donatello and Michaelangelo, plus a few slightly less-famous penises like Apollo Crowning Himself. But for the most part, the beauty of a naked woman is historically accepted while men’s “junk” is, well, junk.

My initial distaste for the dissemination of cyber-dick stems mostly from its anonymity. Usually those cock shots are headless. Body-less. And faceless. If we’re ever gonna end up in bed, I’ll need to see your face, for starters, and then find out if you can kiss. How you smell will matter. (I’ve wound up in bed with — and, in one instance, married to — men I’d previously considered totally out of the question just because they smelled good!) And then there’s how you make me feel while we’re just sitting side by side. Once we’ve progressed beyond all those preliminaries, and probably many more, for the most part I can appreciate the beauty of a cock. But it really needs to be once I’m acquainted with it. Seeing a familiar photo, seductively sent, can cause me to recall previously pleasurable encounters. So I’m not saying that a penis picture will never work! I’ll even admit to being “visual” enough to find myself aroused by some of these inbox cocks. Though all that leads to is masturbation. (More on this at another time!) I mean, chances are if you’ve sent me your cyber-shlong, I’m here, you’re there and I don’t even know your name yet!

Well, dear readers, I appear to be veering a bit off topic; this is a big, thick, sticky subject (snicker) that will obviously require hours of in-depth investigation and follow-up blog posts featuring my results. Check back in to see what these anonymous, disembodied dick deliverers have to say — if anything — and how women feel about being on the receiving end of all this “I can’t un-see that!” imagery. Obviously, I would appreciate your feedback! If you’re a man, let me know what would motivate you to email someone your cyber-member. And if you’re a woman, weigh in with your opinion on these “you’ve got cock” overtures. My research starts NOW!