Tag Archives: relationship

Age. Ranging.

Richard, a 67-year-old, contacted me: intimidating you seem to me, as probably am I. where in NYC are you? What do you edit? or does your moniker misrepresent. My exhibitionism is limited to swimming and springboard diving. 
may I please hear from you? 

His profile was interesting enough, though he lives outside the city. And, you know, he’s 67. I responded: I don’t find you intimidating. Perhaps a bit beyond my age range. And I have no exhibitionist tendencies. 
Happy to meet for coffee or a beer but no possibilities of romance. [And don’t think for one second I didn’t consider making a Yoda wisecrack!]

He quickly wrote back with: can’t dispute Abby, sorry. Which made me feel bad. I told him there was no need to apologize, it was all good. But… Is it better to just meet every guy? I mean, EVERY guy? Even if there’s no chance of romance? It seems like a waste. I’m ready to be proven wrong about low “match” percentages or photos that don’t immediately appeal to me or even men who don’t have a grasp of grammar. Or spelling. But when someone is so much older than me that I’d find myself worrying about them dropping dead on a date, well… What could I have done differently?

I noticed an intriguing photo — a guy with his dog — so I emailed him: Ack. Yeah I’m way outside your age range. And I could barely read your profile cause I was blinded by that awesome shot of you and your dog. Blah blah blah email me if you feel inspired. After a few back and forths, during which he told me he’d met me, years before, back in 1993, I got the smackdown: Unfortunately, You are a wee bit outside my age range. But I remember you as stunningly groovy, if that counts for anything : )

Oof. Guess I’ve gotta be able to take what I dish out. I was gonna reply with something along the lines of “Just FYI, my last boyfriend was younger than you,” but that would’ve sounded creepy cougar-ish. Instead, I slunk away, my tail between my legs: I suppose it does. Oh well. Thanks for responding. And he shot back: Good luck in your search! Ack. That’s my see-ya-later line!

Somehow, in my head, I’ve managed to convince myself that while there’s a staggering age gap between me, at 53, and some 63-year-old retired dude who lives in the ‘burbs, I haven’t had as much success finding difficulty with the span between me — still vibrant and active and living in the big city — and guys in a similar situation who are 10 years or so younger than me. I regularly turn down 20-somethings (and, truth be told, 30-somethings) because I do think that’s a bit too much of a difference. The question is, how many years are too many years? I hate to get caught up in the numbers game and I suppose there are as many mature young guys as there are immature old guys. It all really comes down to mutual attraction and mutual interests, both of which transcend age. But those are tough to discern when you’re reduced to an online profile that telegraphs how old  you are before any other information.


Well, The Poet has taken me to task. While he found my list of 10 Things I’m Grateful For to be “thorough,” he thought I was “selling myself short” on the friendship:

“On question one you were especially thorough. But I think you sold yourself short on question two. You have much more you could say about what it means to have and be a good friend Abby that you did NOT cover in your lover’s list. Your friending of me shows how you can look past what you would want or even tolerate in a lover. Maybe the term is wrong – maybe I meant good or true friend. An example would be that a friend will listen well and truthfully and considerately tell you what they think even when it may be inconvenient or painful to do so. That’s more than being a good communicator. Other attributes could be charitable, kind, dependable, loyal, protective, etc. Give it a thought. No blog necessary unless you want to – just do the exercise. You may recall important attributes that will help in your spiritual search for a lover too.”

His point that I will accept things in people who are my friends that I might not tolerate in a “relationship” is correct. I have plenty of friends I wouldn’t consider living with! It makes sense that a lover should have the same qualities as one’s friends, since they would, essentially, be your best friend. That said, when I reflect on past exes, they all had qualities that I might not have put up with in a friend…The libido often makes its choices independently of the rational brain.

So in further pursuit of spiritual growth, I will do the exercise with friendship in mind. The Poet warned:

I think such exercises are best accomplished by taking some time before finishing or sharing to really think about what we are saying and what it means. The embrace and practice of humility plays a critical role in this. Blogging about it makes it that much harder to be and appear humble.

Point taken. I don’t believe time would change my responses. And there’s no way to appear humble when one is enumerating their best qualities. Maybe it should be leavened with a list of faults? Please forgive the extreme navel gazing, dear readers. Perhaps you could play along with me? What do you want in a friend? And what do you have to offer? All together now!

A good  listener
A good heart
Super smart
Good conversationalist
“Game” (meaning up for almost anything!)
Difficult (I know this sounds like a negative quality, but I do tend to enjoy people who aren’t “easy”…)
A great sense of humor
Sarcastic, caustic (sometimes!)
Semi-skewed world view
Emotionally available
Intellectually available
Or at least available in some way!
The ability to call me on my shit

Okay, I think that’s enough. This list was a whole lot harder than the lover list. I have so many friends who are sooooo different. I like collecting oddballs! Hmmm…can I make a list of things I don’t want in a friend? That would probably be easier!

A big heart
The ability to listen, coach, counsel, hear, question, commiserate, conspire, compliment, encourage, advocate, advise, strategize, look at every angle, play the devil’s advocate, sit with and be silent…
A sense of humor
A sense of adventure
Spontaneity (sometimes…)
I keep my word
Accountability…and the ability to hold my friends accountable
The ability to cut through all the bullshit
Fierceness…in all its expressions…

I’m sure if I sat with this list for a week I could come up with more. Or different. And if I sat with it for a month, even more. But I’m gonna go with immediacy here (well, approximating immediacy, as I’ve been mulling this over for almost two days…) in the interest of blogging (almost ) every day.

Friendship is a topic worth exploring further, especially with my birthday looming. I’d invited many friends to celebrate my birthday at two different events. At the first event, only two friends joined me and the upcoming event looks like I’ll only be with three. It makes me wonder…Do people just assume I travel with a posse all the time? And that their absence won’t even be noticed? If anyone ever thinks that, let me say that I always miss the people who aren’t around. Always. I miss friends from 20 years ago right this second. If I’m at a party with 100 of my friends, I’ll wonder where the 101st friend is and why they couldn’t make it. Just so you know. Okay. Time to get out and enjoy the sunshine!

Ima Cunt

On OkCupid, I attract every polyamorist, bisexual, crossdressing, BDSM-inclined sex freak in the country! So I’m not surprised when guys like “ISOPoly” or “BoyInDress” checks my profile or drops me an email. I’m always a bit more boggled when they’re from far away or unwilling to meet in person or unavailable in some other similar way. Today I noticed this guy had viewed my profile so I clicked on his. Yes, the photo is of him over Santa’s knee. Yes, it is almost April. And yes, when I checked his profile he was, indeed, an elf! At an impressive 5’3″, it wasn’t a long tumble from standing tall to St. Nick’s lap! And yes, I am a total cunt who simply could not control myself. I stopped short (Hahahahah!) of calling him a fucking gnome. But I did poke fun at him. Poke-poke. Not merely at his size, because beauty comes in an array of sizes. Yeah, whatever. I was more intent upon taking the piss out of his whole “dominant” stance. Seems like he didn’t appreciate the humor and found me to be a bit dense. Ah, if only he knew…I present for your perusal, with inserted editorial comments:

You’re 5’3″?
Sorry, it needed to be said.
Okay, back to your regularly scheduled “dominance!”

But judging one by stature is an assumption one should never really make. [It wouldn’t be an assumption, it would be a judgement. And the only judgement I’m making is that YOU’RE SHORT!]
In all honesty, my first wife was a 6’1″ Vegas showgirl and my 2nd was 5’11” [Whatever you say, Napoleon! And I’m sure your cock is HUGE!]
I just liked your profile, your attitude and the answers you gave to the questions.
(never judge a book by it’s cover) [See my latest book review post.]

No worries! Glad you liked the profile.
Frankly, I’m not kinky so I don’t submit to anyone of any stature.
I just meant that if it came to, ya know, wrestling or something similar, I would have you beat by sheer weight alone. Nothing personal. Given your experience with larger women, I’m sure you understand, no?
Happy to hear you’ve scaled the heights!

One needs not be kinky to make a connection (of any sort), nor do you need to submit. [Wow, forgive me for assuming. You are aware that your screen name is IamDom_I_Nant, aren’t you?] Yes, I’d probably lose a wrestling match with ya, oh what fun. And no personal offense taken, was just a tad bit surprised.
Come and talk sometime, that certainly cannot hurt. [Come where? Talk? Huh? Does he mean chat? Is there an invisible living room on here somewhere that I don’t know about? Wait, are we in Second Life?]

Talk where? You don’t live anywhere near me.

Ahhh, you missed the point entirely. Never-mind, no worries, it’s all good.
And DO have a lovely day. 
[How could I possibly have a lovely day without you, you 5’3″ stick of love dynamite? You pocket-sized prince! Rawr!]

I haven’t missed the point. I GET the point. I’m just curious…why would you want to spend time “chatting” with someone at a distance? Just for fun? I am not an idiot. FAR from it. I am not a big fan of “chatting” online, as in IMing. I prefer face-to-face, actual human interaction. Forgive me if that misses any point…

again, never mind

Haha, okay then. No BIG loss!
Hahahahaa! [And then I clicked BLOCK!]