Tag Archives: online dating


Ah, the sweet taste of victory! Coupled with the influence of righteous indignation! The power-mad millenials at OKCupid have seen the error of their ways and reinstated my account. After they accused me of soliciting, I continued the dialogue, pointing our how ridiculous that accusation was. Here’s how it unfolded after my previous post:

What am I soliciting?

“I’m producing an event on Feb. 17 that I think you might enjoy. It isn’t a singles’ party (or a couples’ party) but there are components that I think will be appealing to people who are “seeking.” Even if they aren’t sure what, exactly…
I hope you can make it!
Abby “

Etc etc.

You cannot be serious. The events I produce are happy hours and live performances. I’d be happy to show you my Facebook events. “Seeking” means many things to different people. Clearly the person who reported me wishes he were receiving invitations to something a bit more exciting.
I waste so much time reporting fake profiles on your site it isn’t even worth it. You people should be paying more attention to actual scammers and less to idiots who don’t know what they’re talking about. My sex party days are FAR behind me. I’m 56 fucking years old, fer crissakes. FIFTY SIX YEARS OLD! Even Annie Sprinkle has moved on. Wow.

I am not saying you are a scammer, and I am not being judgey at all, but the rules we have to enforce for everybody say:

“Unique and bona fide profile
You agree to create only one unique profile. In addition, in order to maintain the integrity of the Website, by joining, you agree that your use of the Website shall be for bona fide relationship-seeking purposes (for example, you may not use the Website solely to compile a report of compatible singles in your area, or to write a school research paper). “

Really, what you were doing isn’t dating – And people (a LOT of people reported you as a scammer) – So they would complain if we didn’t ban you as well. We also make sure that everybody using OkC for event stuff is actually a legitimate OkC/Match.com partner (it’s a safety/legitimacy thing) which I hope you understand. If you want to use OkC to date, seek people for friends etc then you are welcome to – But stick with craiglist etc. for advertising events, please?

Advertising events?
I ask people I meet on OKC if they are interested in joining me for events, some I produce and/or promote, others I attend. I invited one guy to a fundraiser for the Lower East Side Girls Club. Is that against the rules? What about a fundraiser for Figment? If I’m producing it?
I’m about as far from a scammer as it’s possible to be. A real human, actually interested in meeting people, as friends — at the very least. I’ve met friends on here. Go read my emails.
There is nothing I’d like more than to meet someone and fall in love. I have three friends who I helped with their profiles on OKC and they eventually married. Three success stories. I sure wish I was one. Being 56 and single sucks more than I can describe. I’m sure you cannot begin to relate.
But if you seriously believe I have been using your site for the sole purpose of — well, whatever you think I’m using it for — then by all means, ban me. However, you could not be more wrong.
There was a time when I produced two weekly events. For seven years! Fetish parties, rock parties, sex parties. As I said, those days are far behind me. I now co-produce a few events annually: Night of a Thousand Stevies, a Stevie Nicks tribute night; Ghostlight, a Halloween Eve fundraiser for HOWL Help; and the Figment fundraiser. I get paid for two of the three, minimally. I also help organize weekly happy hours for the Burning Man community. I don’t get paid for this work. I am often hired to emcee events, most recently the third birthday bash for Batala NYC, an all female Brazilian style drum group.
Hardly Heidi Fleiss. If that reference even means anything to you.
One man I met on OKC is helping the House of Yes with their build out. We’ve been friends for a few years now. His life is more interesting now than it was before he met me…a different sort of success story. I’ve invited a lot of guys to a lot of things. It’s sad that any of them would call me a scammer for those invitations. Really sad. And I’m sure they have sad little lives. Thankfully, I don’t. So I’ll be fine without OKCupid.
And I’ll say it one more time.
You are wrong.
So, dear readers, that’s how the situation unfolded. They’ve seen fit to let me back into their cesspool of dick pix and scammers. Oh hooray! Over the seven years as a “member,” I’ve been booted off twice now. I’ve dealt with so many scammers I can’t count them. (I initially posted on here about the illiterate men on OKC but those weren’t potential suitors, they were scammers, looking to coax me out of cash. HILARIOUS!) Though I’ve met a few men whose company I enjoyed, not many were willing to cultivate an ongoing friendship. I can’t really see much benefit from the site; I’m not one to go begging for free meals…not my style. I think I’ve had about one for each year…each time insisted upon by my date. I’ve even paid for my own coffee on a number of occasions. The sole reason for remaining a “member” is to continue regaling you with my hysterical tales of dating disasters. So I guess I’ll keep on “soliciting” and see what happens! And I’ll be sure to “advertise my events” on Craiglist. Guffaw.

Booted Off Of OKCupid…Again

Apologies (again) for my absence. It’s been a busy month! Hopefully happy news soon. I felt compelled to post today, despite the craziness, because I’ve been booted off of OKCupid. Again!

The first time it happened I wasn’t given a reason. They never even responded to my emails asking why. I forged on, created a new profile, figuring perhaps posting party invites to strangers had pissed someone off. This time, however, I sent an email asking why I’d gotten the boot and received a response:

Hi Abby,
I have reviewed your profile and unfortunately you have been banned. I’m very sorry, but solicitation of any sort is a violation of our usership policy. Thank you for your continued interest in OKCupid, but the decision to ban you is irreversible.
Yours truly,

Um. SOLICITING? For what? Sex? Isn’t that the whole point of online dating? Okay, being serious now. I was most definitely not soliciting. Anything. Because, believe me, if I were, they’d know it. I don’t do anything vaguely. Here’s my profile, as it stood at last edit:

Please be open to MEETING and the possibility of being FRIENDS. Finding that elusive “chemistry” is rare. But I can honestly say that every man I’ve “befriended” on this site now has a far more exciting and interesting life than he did before meeting me. If you don’t believe that, I’d be happy to connect you for an honest conversation. Who doesn’t want to expand their social circle? The chances of finding romance online aren’t the best. Meeting new people will always result in meeting MORE new people. Meaning, if you and I don’t “click” perhaps you might with a friend of mine. Or I will with a friend of yours. It’s a big world. If that sounds appealing to you, please read on!

A very close friend died recently and it has made me reevaluate. I am not desperate, just determined. If you can’t meet up within a week of us contacting each other, please don’t bother. Life is too fucking short. I’m tired of this site and I’ve never been a fan of dating.

So there you have it. Let’s meet, figure out of we want to fuck each other and take it from there, shall we? Seriously. That’s about all it boils down to.

It doesn’t matter a damn what music you like or what you read. You’ll be on your side of the bed reading what you read and I’ll be on my side of the bed reading what I read. I’ll listen to whatever the hell you want to listen to. Food? Whatever. It’s sustenance, not an art form. For me, anyway. Happy to consume your art form, if that’s your thing. Happier to consume your thing. Haha!

Anyway, none of you read this shit. You look at the photo, think, “Yeah, I’d fuck that,” and you click. I wish it were as simple for women. It’s more simple when I’m less sober. So let’s see who responds to THIS version of my “profile.”

The rest of the profile is pretty much the same as it’s been for ages. After six long years of receiving dick pix and “I’d fuck that”s, between the big bellies and bigger egos, selfies with dirty toilets in the background and dudes who couldn’t spell their way out of a paper bag, not to mention the hundreds — HUNDREDS — of scammers and fake profiles and total wastes of time, I’m embarrassed that I was even still on the damn site. Well, now I’m not. Because some asshat decided I was “soliciting.”

That is not only fucking hilarious, it is decidedly uninformed. Hey OKCupid! Here’s what soliciting looks like:

“Hi, my name is Abby. I’m 55 years old (almost 56). My flesh is hanging off my bones like wet laundry. My wrinkles are deep enough for you to white water raft through. I can count the number of times I’ve gotten laid in the last five years on one hand. I really don’t have much of a libido anymore and the thought of sucking some dude’s cock makes me want to retch. Ready to pay me for my sexual services? I’m having a big sale this week! Hurry, my time is running out!”*

Aside from the fact that “soliciting” is illegal, my profile’s verbiage made no mention of money. However, here are a few links to women who are offering their companionship for cash. Since you’re running a dating site and not an escort site, perhaps you need to learn the difference.

* Oh, and bee-tee-dubs, that paragraph up there is satire. It is NOT intended to be taken seriously as solicitation. Not that any rightminded person would…

It’s Not You, It’s Me. Yeah. Me.

Okay, rather than continue to prove (and re-prove) how many of the profiles on OKCupid are fakes, I’m gonna get real. I’m gonna come clean about the sad reality of disappointing dates and awkward interactions. Because it isn’t only OKC’s fault. It’s mine.

Here’s one example of back-and-forthing gone awry:
Him: Aren’t you the bartender ?
Me: Ex bartender.
Him: Yes, I remember you invited interested parties to visit you at your gig. What are you doing now?
Me: Making hats and other costumery. Not much different, just no bar shifts at the moment. And you’re welcome to come watch me craft!
Him: Where do you craft?
Me: In my living room.
Him: Is it that entertaining to watch ?!
Me: No. It was a joke. Sadly, humor doesn’t translate very well online. You asked what I was doing now and I went with “doing” as inviting people to visit me while I’m working.
Him: Which part of the city do u live ?
Me: East Village. Near the bar I’d invited people to.
Him: As interesting a woman as you seem to be , I don’t drink and given the brewskis in your photos it looks like you like to party!
Me: Oh well. Heaven forbid you might get to know me and find out. Your decision.

Aaaaaaand, end of discussion. So why the hell was this guy emailing me to begin with? Those photos with “brewskis” didn’t miraculously appear. They were there from the get-go. I don’t post pictures of myself sitting on my couch NOT drinking. Or in the gym NOT drinking. Mind you, I’m a part-time alcoholic. But still. How horrible would it be to meet “an interesting woman,” if only as friends? Or to meet someone new? Does it NEED to be only for a long-term relationship? Asshole. SOBER asshole.

Here’s another communication fail. My “conversation” was prompted by info in the man’s profile:
Me: I’m up for meeting in person as soon as is reasonable, no endless email exchanges or (horrors!) phone calls or texts. That said, if you’re interested, I’ve now made the first move!
Him: Hi Abby,
Yeah, you’ve made your move, and I like a determined woman.
However, I have to tell you I’ve seen your profile a while ago and was mostly admiring the costumes and “tattoos”, and in the recent times have just stumbled on your profile over and over again while aimlessly wandering the wildernes that is OK Cupid, therefore I wasn’t actually aiming to contact you.
(Blame it on the tiny thumb avatars – way too small for my tired eyes – under the heading “You might like”…)
I was thinking I may be too “tame” for you, though we will never know that for a fact unless we try it out empirically, so – why not: I’m all for meeting and may have some time towards the end of this week, to be exact Friday night, Saturday during the day (before 5 pm, working the evening) and Sunday.
I’m up in Harlem, but we can meet wherever convenient for you, I like traveling…
Let me know.
Me: D.,
Too tame for you? Meaning what? I managed to be polite and witty through a dinner with a Republican banker from Connecticut. I will assume you’re at least a BIT less “tame” than he was. (Is? He DID assure me that he’d been to Woodstock. Yes, the original Woodstock.) Anyway, yes, no way to know without meeting, though your lack of enthusiasm is a little contagious.
If you think you might actually be serious about meeting me — and as I say on my profile(s), the goal of enjoying each other’s company for an hour or two is lofty enough without worrying about “forever” and all that — get back to me. I haven’t been to the Garage Flea Market (24th/25th between 6th & 7th) so maybe we could stroll through? Grab a coffee before or after?
If any of that (meeting me, aiming for friendship initially, strolling through a flea market, coffee?) appeals, yeah, lemme know! This is decidedly an imperfect “system” but a means to an end, I suppose.
Him: Hi Abby,
You are spot-on on almost all points above.
Lack of enthusiasm is the right definition for it, though it’s not for you per se. So, I didn’t want to appear to be a creep – visiting your profile multiple times without contacting you – but I ended up being an asshole – telling you “meh – we might as well meet, but only if you insist”. You seem like a nice person and you deserve the right amount of interest. Which I did not show.
In my defense right now, it seems as if I’m in some kind of valley on the OK Cupid “valleys and peaks” path. So you may not believe me when I say “it’s not personal” – how could you? – but it isn’t, it’s just me not being particularly enthusiastic about anything…
And that is a wrong start, period, whether thinking of just now of forever, regardless.
P.S. When I said “tame”, I meant I’m not “plotting activities” all the time and all over the city and/or continent, though I’m not exactly the couch potato. (Woodstock..? I was otherwise engaged at the time, but had replayed it numerous times in my bedroom in the succeeding years, thanks to the triple LP I still have, though not recently…)
Me: Would it be that awful? Honestly? I’m an interesting person.

Honestly? He couldn’t even be bothered to see this through and meet me? And does this mean I should change my profile to say that I essentially sit on my ass waiting for some — ANY — human companionship? Does “planning things” make me so wild that no normal man could possibly imagine himself able to handle the enormous burden of entertaining me? Holy hell.

Yet another fail, on my part, to engage a fellow human. Again, I reached out, based on an interesting profile. What an idiot I am. He said on his profile that he’s in Vermont until April. So I thought I was safe in merely making contact.
Me: Hi there,
I decided not to be dissuaded by your “replies very selectively” rating or the fact that you’re not available for coffee or a beer (or wine, for you, if you prefer) in the (very) near future.
All that said, you sure do sound interesting. Sorry, I’m not usually one to gush but you would make a good TV show. Or Lifetime movie…Perhaps something on the Cooking Channel?
I’m hoping you’re experiencing enough boredom to spend more time than usual on this site and that you will, out of said boredom, respond.
Him: Good Morning Abby,
Depends on very near future. I am in Brooklyn till Saturday morning. Had to dash back to Brooklyn for a couple of days in between snow storms.
Me: Hmmm, does this mean you’re available for a coffee or beer? [Fuckin’ hussy.]
Him: Shoveling snow at my store right now. No plans for tonight or tomorrow afternoon at the moment. Subject to change. [Sounds positively RIVETING!]
Me: Yeah, no plans for tonight either, with all this “weather.” Let me know if you’d like to make a plan!
Him: Where in New York are you? [I always love this question. Like there’s a right and wrong answer? Friends tell me that people list themselves as living in “New York” when they are, in fact, living in New Jersey. Or worse!So I guess it’s not a completely ridiculous question.]
Me: East Village. [Which, one might’ve assumed, given the “EV” in my screen name. Perhaps not…]
Him: I can hop up there or nearby. I would love to have Chinese at Pings on Mott St.
Me: Tomorrow, perhaps?
Him: Lunch, coffee or hot chocolate?
Me: If you’re craving Ping’s, let’s do that! Hot chocolate for dessert?
Him: More Chinese food than Pings per say. Lunch I would pick a dim sum place.
Me: I’ll leave it up to you. I work for myself so I can do either lunch or dinner. And hot chocolate knows no hour.
[This exchange took place around noon, all in quick succession. When I hadn’t heard back from him by 10pm, I made other plans for lunch.]
Me: Looks like I can only do dinner tomorrow. Let me know if that works for you!
Him: Hey,
Sorry I have plans with my son, Maybe next time I am in town.
Me: Okay.

And that was that. Why bother telling me you’re in town? Then why bother telling me when you’re available? Only to become UN available? Why bother beginning to make plans at all? I guess that was my bad for not keeping me day wide open. Sigh.

Near-misses shouldn’t be anything to get stressed about but when you spend as much time at home, alone, as I have lately, it does have an effect. Sadly. Even worse are the dates I enjoy and the men I never hear from again.

A while back I went on a date with a guy who was super tall and the perfect age (a year or two older…perhaps not “ideal” by my “standards” but certainly “proper”). He showed a more-than-nodding acquaintance with the neighborhood and picked a place. He showed up on time, wearing black jeans and a motorcycle jacket. He suggested fancy cocktails, which were yummy, and ordered a selection of tasty tapas. Then he paid. Thus far, many points accumulated. Next? The invitation to go somewhere for an after dinner beer. Ding-ding! Off we strolled to Manitoba’s. More points. After not one, not two but three beers later (one round of which I insisted upon paying for), he said he needed to get going. We walked down Avenue B till my block and hugged goodbye, with smiles, “that was fun”s and “I’ll be in touch”s. I never heard from him again. Who’s to say it would’ve worked out. But add to all of his particulars that he’s a music producer and in a band. That his last girlfriend (who is deceased, not an “ex”) and I traveled in similar circles. That he gave up his East Village apartment for a family home at the beach (!!!) so, you know, I could offer him a place in the city and he could offer me a place at the beach (!!!). I was envisioning a bright future. But no. Nothing. Not even an invitation to see his band. Ah well.

I don’t post the good dates because, well, I don’t want to risk a guy reading about himself and ruining the chances of romance blooming. Which doesn’t mean I don’t go out and actually enjoy the company of men I meet online. I’ve had a few dates over the past few months that were really fun. The men were smart and engaging, our conversations stimulating and entertaining, the checks chivalrously paid. I’m not sure which is worse, never hearing from someone I was truly interested in seeing again or enjoying myself with a man I can’t imagine sleeping with. Either way, the disappointments have been adding up and I’ve considered retiring from the online dating world. But for now, I will post this and wait for the nasty comments, which have become as emotionally debilitating as the dates themselves.


There’s no one behind the controls at OKCupid. They don’t seem to care that more than half the profiles are fakes and a good chunk of emails sent are from foreign countries fishing for suckers. Are they waiting for the … Continue reading

A Pretty Face Is Worth Looking a Thousand Times!

Oy vey. OKCupid is getting more and more difficult to parse. Yes, there are sincere, real live humans on there, looking for love (or to get laid). But the ratio of real profiles to fake ones is dwindling. WHY all the men professing to be “God fearing?” WHY so many photos of lakes or beaches or plates of pasta without any questions answered or profile questions filled out? WHY the laughably fake profiles? And most irritatingly, WHY so many fake emails? There’s something oddly poetic about the hilarious sentence structure (or lack thereof) in the missives. Are they computer generated? Written by someone who doesn’t speak (or write…or understand) English? I have no idea what the story is but I can at least appreciate their entertainment value. I received these four in one afternoon:

hello gorgeous how are you doing today and how was your night been,but why did you refuse to reply my message gorgeous……hope to read back from you soon

I didn’t refuse to reply. I’m replying now. To your FAKE profile. You won’t be here in 24 hours. Wanna bet?

ooh that lovely and i will like to tell you a little stuffs about me.I live in Dallas Texas. Have been widowed since 2004, Just haven’t found someone who I would want to spend the rest of my life with so far. I have a son, 17 almost 18 going off to college next year and his name is Samuel (Sam). This time of my life seems to be a much better time to meet people now that my kid is older. When kids are younger it is really difficult to date. Now I can focus on someone and myself. I have a stable job, I work as a contractor and i also work in my own oil and gas company in Spain vent ham and Russia. I enjoy getting outdoors, going to movies, short day trips..and the list goes on. I also do not drink nor smoke,I’m a gentleman who owns his words, who is independent, self-confident, knows his worth, loves God and treats people, and especially women and older people with respect, i am focused, disciplined, playful, fun, sense of humor always and a warrior with a tender heart. I’m widowed and completely unattached and I will like you to feel free in asking me anything you want to know about me, just ask anything i will surely answer all, without leaving a word behind. cause i am open minded and as open as a book. i will be waiting for your next mail, hope you are having a nice weekend…….mata

Fuck off. [WHAT THE FUCK? “Vent ham?” I’ll assume that was supposed to be Viet Nam. Huh. And yes, 24 hours later…gone.]

Hi..how you doing today?i just came across your page and it was nice going thru it which made me to stop by just to say a big HI and it will be a pleasure to know you more if only you wouldn’t mind.
Hope to read from you soon.
Warm regards.

Sigh. Another fake email. [Whoever writes these has absolutely NO use for punctuation! Also gone 24 hours later.]

Hi there, How are you doing..? How is the weather treating you..? am indeed so sorry if you think am disturbing you with my message but honestly speaking, your profile said it all about you and there is a saying that says, a pretty face is worth looking a thousand times.. Am new on here looking for my soul-mate, friend, companion, my best friend, someone i can trust, confide in, and show all my love to, I will be so glad to read back from you as i would like and love to get closer to your heart!! Cheers, Hope to read from you, I wait patiently.. Edward.

Fuck off. [Aaaaaand yes, gone within 24 hours.]

I believe signing up for this site is a way of showing you want to start something different and you are not a coward who will be afraid to start a new adventure…..my name is Bob i will like you to take a look at my profile if you find it interesting and you want to know me better…send me a reply…if not good luck in your search….xoxo

I didn’t respond. Why bother? They all disappear and none of them are real. Sigh. Many of these fake messages contain phone numbers and email addresses with a plea from the “writer” to get in touch off the site. I suspect these are scams but have no idea what the endgame might be. No one I know is dumb enough to fall prey to these come-ons and neither am I.

This profile was so hilarious I had to type it out:

My self-summary
i ‘m peter my name am here to have a serious relationship i need who will be with me through out my life and make me happy and also will surely make her happy till rest of her life

What I’m doing with my life
am a hard working man am serious with my work

I’m really good at
am really good to make who i love happy all day AND NITE

The first thing people usually notice about me
many thing like making people happy all day and nite

The six things I could never do without
love who i love make my baby happy

I spend a lot of time thinking about
who i meet her and i will love her till rest of my life

There was one profile that had three “normal” sentences and then nothing but gobbledygook: alkskjfhhffhgfh akhsjdfytaj  djflskhaweythf. Whaaaat? Another had a few somewhat reasonable, if poorly written, sentences with stuff like “I am a man who” and then midway through slipped into “I am a woman who.” Whoops!

All this shit makes me wonder who the hell is minding the store up there at Match.com, OKCupid’s overlords. Any ideas?

GOD DAMN IT! Another rant…

Argh. I’ve been super cranky and out of sorts lately. The fact that there are guys working RIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW right now, like the one SAWING into the brick beneath my window mere FEET from my face doesn’t help. Neither does his singing. I mean, I’m glad he’s enjoying his job but he’s driving me crazy. The scaffolding they’re on has been there since the summer. Possibly before. I’m over it. The additional disturbance of the construction project that has started in the school yard right outside my BEDROOM window also has me on edge. Since it’s, you know, a school yard, they do their work during off hours. Like jackhammering at 9am on a Saturday. Or clanking around after dark. Ugh. That work is scheduled to go on for three years. THREE YEARS. I may lose my mind.

My general disgust with the human race has been exacerbated by the current “controversy” over Rubulad’s theme for next weekend. There’s even an article about it on Jezebel, muckracking for the millenials. Before Halloween this year, a bunch of youngsters made posters protesting the use of their “culture” as a costume. Never mind that anyone who’s been in America since they were born has, more or less, lost their “culture.” It’s just political correctness gone rampant. If I wear green on St. Patrick’s Day, am I ridiculing the Irish? Can I respectfully wear a garland of flowers in my hair and traditional Mexican/Scandinavian/Polynesian garb? Yes, plenty of people wear flowers in their hair. I’ve worn a dirndl. Is that okay? And is it okay only because the culture I’m co-opting is white? More or less okay if it’s actually MY culture? If we were to extrapolate this shit, no one would ever be able to dress as anything. Ever. I call bullshit. But people are outraged. OUTRAGED. Imagine anyone who isn’t of Asian descent putting chopsticks in their hair. Qu’el horreur! What about a fair isle sweater? Is that cool? Or do I need to be from a fucking fair isle? I suppose blue jeans are only okay for blue collar workers. EVERYTHING in this country was co-opted from someone. Including the fucking country. Deal with it. And preferably move forward.

Okay, enough about that shit. My other latest obsession is, no surprise, OKCupid. Since they were bought by Match.com the quality of the men on there has declined significantly. Not that there was a whole lotta quality to start with. Now, instead of a high percentage of quirky, cool-ish singles, I’m confronted by profile after profile of “God fearing” guys. “Easy going” and “laid back” men in search of their “soul mate” or “the one.” Listing God as one of the six things you can’t live without isn’t gonna work for me. And when I let these guys know that I’m not a God person, they seem baffled. Is the site now connected to Christian Mingle as well? Holy crap!

And while I’m on a tear, here’s a list of my top 10 deal-breakers. I know some of these are repeat complaints but I can’t help myself!
1. Photos of your motorcycle. Ditto on your sports car. I don’t give a shit how you get around town. And your mid-life crisis-mobile is embarrassing.
2. Photos of your kids. Let me get to know your offspring once I’ve gotten to know you, m’kay? Worse? A photo of you with your kids with their faces all blurred out. Creepy. Which leads me to…
3. Photos of you with someone blurred, blocked, scrawled over or cut out. Don’t post pix that are evidence of previous failures. Just don’t.
4. Photos of you in the bathroom. I don’t want to see your toilet. Blech.
5. Repeat pix. If you only have one photo, sure, that’s weak and perhaps you should get a few more. But posting the same photo four times doesn’t help much.
6. Nothin’ but selfies. Dude. Don’t you have ANY friends? Sure, one selfie. Six? No. No no no.
7. Lists of all the horrible qualities you don’t want. Nobody wants drama or baggage or anything else awful. But you’re over 40 and alone. So how about being a little more positive? Instead of proving to potential dates precisely why you’re still single. Ditto on divulging all the details on your divorce. That’s for, like, date #10. Or maybe #20.
8. Maybe take a few minutes to fill out the profile? No need to write a novel but more than a dozen words might give all us strangers just a tiny idea of who you are, what you’re looking for, what you enjoy, something? Anything? However, you can refrain from calling yourself “handsome,” “good looking” or “attractive.” I’ll be the judge of that, thankyouverymuch.
9. It’s pointless, I know, but PROOFREAD YOUR FUCKING PROFILE. Oh. And don’t use ALL CAPS. Ask a friend, “Are the commas in the right place?” DO YOU EVEN CARE? I suppose not… And lastly
10. No photo/photos of scenery/blurry photos/misleading photos/photos of you when you were 25. What the motherfuck? If we’re gonna meet in person, it will be immediately apparent that you’re bald. Or fat. Or not 6’2″. Or FUCKING 25! Just show your face. It’s not rocket science.

Separating the Wheat from the…Bots

Sooooo, yeah. I’m back on OKCupid. Even though I swore I would NEVER do the online dating thing again.

I’ve gone on one date so far and have three — THREE! — lined up for this week. On the one hand, it’s like Lotto: Ya gotta be in it to win it. On the other hand, I feel compelled (obviously) to be proactive. I know from reading too many inane Facebook posts that “It’s ALL about intention!” And on the third hand, it’s really a peculiar sort of masochism; I’m sort of forcing myself to go on these dates. For example, my date tomorrow is dinner with a 56-year-old banker — A BANKER! — who looks more like 66 and prides himself on being “erudite.” His initial salvo included this: “Shall we see if we can make magic together, or at least get into some serious trouble?” I imagine “serious trouble” for this guy means a second martini, not sitting in a hot spring with 75 naked ne’er-do-wells on acid. But I’m forging on, common sense be damned!

In order to even reach the desired result of an actual in-the-flesh encounter, it’s necessary to wade through the bullshit. Come-ons from guys who’ll never leave the comfort of their couches. Flirtations from kids — KIDS! — who aren’t even old enough to drink. Or shave. Seriously? Then there are the bots. I’ve complained about them before and can’t believe these sites haven’t yet found a way to intercept them. Check out the eerie similarity between many of these messages.

Just went through your profile here and it really caught my attention that i can’t leave without saying hi. You are a very pretty woman with a charming look. I would like to learn more about you and be your good friend. Please get back to me here if you don’t mind. Have a sweet night rest! 

When I pointed out to “Donald” that he was a little far away to date (Tennessee), he responded, I don’t want you to be bothered about the distance between us, the most important thing is understanding and the feelings we both share together. I think distance should not be a barrier when it comes to love and affection. I believe i can get my soul mate in any part of the world and i am open to relocate to wherever she lives. Please give me the chance to learn more about you.

Good morning my Dear, 
How are you doing today…I hope you are doing okay with your family

I let this guy know that I was not, in fact, with my family. (Do men just assume that women involuntarily reproduce? As if out of sheer habit?) When I said it wasn’t really worth communicating since he lives so far away (California), he replied, I really dont care about Distance becos i do travel alot .. Well, I really don’t care to date you “becos” you can’t fucking spell!

Hello , How are you today…??? Your profile was interesting. You sound very sincere and special. If possible, I would love to get to know you. I decided to join confirio because of the loneliness time I experience last year until now; I pray things work out… More about me I am single never married, with a son, an civil engineering … I am the only child of my parent, mentally stable, physically fit, a bunch of laughs, warm, caring, honest, good listening, God Fearing, and a positive person. I am real easy person to talk to and a good listener. I enjoy chilling with my love once, I like going to the cinema or watching movies in my room, I like swimming, fishing, listening to music and dance to any kind of music, traveling, going bowling and also a good cook, I can make crepes, pasta, Italian, and anything from scrape and my favorite are chips with chicken, shrimp, crab and rice. I am a family oriented person and there is more, but it would be better for you to find some things out for yourself..

I let this guy know that anyone who included “God fearing” in his description of himself might not be the best match for me. And what the hell is “Confirio?” I’m assuming that’s some other dating site that sells its content to OKCupid (which is also Match.com). Though he does cook rice!

Hello Good Evening!! and how are you doing?I am new on here and also new to this online stuff.I would like to know more about you.Your smile is heart warming.Hope to hear from you soon.I am an open book and i am willing to answer honestly..Hope to hear from you soon

Tell me that one doesn’t sound almost exactly like this one:

Hello, How are you doing today and how was your day and life doing?I am fascinated about your profile.I am new to this online stuff and i have been here just a couple of minutes.Your smile is heart warming that put a smile on my face.I would like to know more about you and have a chat as well.hope to hear from you soon and take care “Thank you for your note!” I replied. “You live a little too far away to meet me for coffee. Do you visit NYC often?” And he came back with some of the same weird shit: Ooh really, but am also looking for a long distance relationship if only i meet my true love no matter the distance i will relocate or visit her anytime she wants me… so if you would give me the chance or accept what am saying please i promise you that you wont regret it if i comes into your way okay… hoping to hear from you again soon That doesn’t even make sense!

Nice profile you got, i am interested in knowing more about you.. please take a look at my profile and drop me a note if interested. 
I responded: “Your profile is quite nice, also, but you’re kind of far away to meet up for coffee. Do you visit NYC often? Ever?”
If we find each other interesting and get along perfectly, i don’t see distance as an issue. I have a very flexible work schedule and i am open to possible relocation to where ever i find my perfect match. I sometime do visit NYC, tell me about yourself And again, I reply: “How will we know if we get along perfectly if we can’t meet each other? If you find yourself in NYC, let me know!”
Because, ya know, I like to be polite! Well, not always:
I only wish u live in new jersey your to far
I only glad I live to far.
This one’s my favorite, though:
ow [sic] are you faring? Are you haven a good weekend so far? Mine was awesome. Well, I actually stop and drop this message into your box because I find your profile very interesting. Can we start making some friendship then to learn from each other likes and dislikes? I am hopping to hear from you soon.
I had to ask: It isn’t the weekend anymore. Are you a real person or a bot? (And I’m flattered that you’re “hopping” to hear from me! Bwahahahah!)
nice to here from you,i am a real person why did you ask me that
Most of these men no longer have profiles. Almost all of them incorporate the words “get to know you better” (or “more”) in some variation and are mysteriously unable to grasp punctuation. Many admit to being “new to this site,” perhaps so women will be more forgiving? These illiterate auto-generated idiots give me the creeps. Their messages remind me of the spam promising you millions if you contact the King of Ghana (or wherever) or pleas for marriage from hot young babes in Russia.
Oh well, it’s merely an amusing distraction among the teenagers, playas and, hopefully, real live guys who are, sincerely, in search of a relationship. Or at least some entertaining company!