Tag Archives: Online dating service

Aside

In my never ending quest for romance, I am still, sadly, utilizing online dating sites. Clicking through the Quickmatch option on OKCupid, a certain sameness is discernible. One handsome man’s profile has got to be a fake. The photo looks … Continue reading

Gad Zoosks!

It seems there’s a neverending supply of dating sites. I found Zoosk.com while playing one of my iPhone games; I think by joining I earned Sudoku points or something. Zoosk isn’t doing anything better or different than any of the other sites. Why over 7 million people on Facebook actually “Like” them is beyond me. They call themselves the “world’s largest social dating community.” Maybe that’s why. And maybe it works better in Rabat.

The site won’t allow you to respond to emails without subscribing, which starts at $12.49 per month. However, the site responds for you if someone sends you one of their lame-ass “wink wink”s. These must be what men send when they obviously don’t know what to say or, as the gentleman who responded to a previous post here explained, they could be sending out numerous flirts to see if there’s a real human out there. On your behalf, Zoosk sends: Thanks for winking! How about sending me a short message and telling me a little about yourself instead? While I find it kind of nice that they save me time by essentially saying what I might, it gives these guys the impression that I am actually responding to them. When, in fact, I am not. Thus far, there hasn’t been anyone on here who I would consider. To say that these men take illiteracy to new heights would be an understatement. And if the question is, do they speak English, the answer is obvious when their profile is in Spanish.

The site also blocks the full email people send until you subscribe. On my laptop, I get “Become a subscriber to unlock all message.” But on my iPhone, I’m allowed a little peek at the first few words. And oh, how tantalizing they are!

His email to me:
Your mood to go in Night Club in Friday evening, [Truncated by the trick-you-into-subscribing site.] And on his profile, the caption beneath a photo of flowers:
would you like me flowers,you write,you say,you meet me

“Sam” says:
Butfol
I will assume that is some new cyberspeak for beautiful. Yes?

“krinster” says:
liveinNorthjersey withmydogs,semi-retired [Truncated by the trick-you-into-subscribing site. However, the lack of punctuation was all him.]

For some reason, I received a full note from this man. Perhaps he paid up front to make sure I got his message.
Hello. My name is Lou. Most of what I you may want to know about me is in my profile page. It describes who and what I am about. Please feel free to read it if you wish. Good luck in your search for a peaceful and happy life. Take care Be safe out there. Hope to here from you. Lou … 

And from another potential suitor:
I will like to be u frend & talk u on the phone in live voice !my name is frank I’m Italian my cell .914819XXXX.im hopping I will ear from u .thank u ciao

Perhaps Zoosk is running ads in classes teaching English as a Second Language. I can’t grasp how men who appear unable to even type find themselves both online and online dating. Match.com is the most famous. How do they wind up on all these other more obscure — and, one might assume, less effective — sites? Maybe they’re all playing Sudoku like I am!

Day 11, January 21
1. No meditating. Oops.
2. Didn’t work out. I had a vicious hangover and was just…lazy.
3. Blogged/wrote “Misled. Or Left Out.
4. I watched way too much TV while being a lump on the couch.
5. Nothin’.
6. Socializing: Brunch, which was about two hours…

Day 12, January 22
1. No meditating. I’ve been bad.
2. 30 minutes of working out.
3. No blogging or writing.
4. Watched the Giants beat The 49ers!
5. I brought up another box and actually opened it. That was as far as I got before feeling completely overwhelmed.
6. Socializing: 5 hours of football and beer.

Obsession?

Here’s a change: I’m writing this as the object of obsession, as opposed to me being obsessed. I wish this story had a fairy tale ending (or even beginning), because it could’ve been very romantic, had the obsessed individual been, well, a totally different individual! If he were tall, dark and handsome, or somehow just slightly more prince-like. Perhaps less frog-like? Maybe it’s me that needs to be different…I dunno… I don’t have a “shopping list” of must-have attributes but this sort of behavior being rewarded only happens in fiction. Now I have an inkling how movie stars feel when their fans act, uhh…fan-like.

One day, December 12, to be exact, I read on Facebook about “emails you might not be receiving” or some-such. I checked out what appeared to be their version of a spam folder and — lo and behold — I had, like, hundreds of unread emails I never knew I’d received. They included the following (increasingly desperate) communiqués from a man named Steve. (Feel free to scroll through them quickly and get right to my cutting barbs!)

Facebook Correspondence:

October 24
4 days of Halloween and no mention of Rubulad …. got a clue ?? Suggestions for other events ??? ( so demanding … I like your work )

Also October 24
embarassed …. rubalad event is always special … but your ev party …. hope there are still tix …

October 29
o shit !! stupid touchpad mouse … just composed an irresistable invitation and it went poof !! …. essentially …. u don’t need to mess with fast cupid … maybe season is passed … but since end of summer lots of friendly souls here in gotham … and what about you and @steveXXXX … your loss … so pissed no Rubilad … last year on Union St. sickest !! what’s on your agenda for tonite ???

November 10
??? how many times …. before you respond ???? your online dating incident diary …. so sad … My sched is so slammed and my residual queue of sometimes available WomenToDate is keeping me from giving Nerve or FastCupid or whatever it is now a creditcard payment ….. but howcomeyouDon’tRespond to my apparent interest …. I’m thinking about applying to a grad program in Antropology to do a thesis on sexual politics and interaction patterns between urban adults in the 21st century …. where would you like to meet for a drink … or go for a walk … do you bike ???

November 24
??? $50 on Craigs List [In referent, I’ll assume, to the semi-joke ad I posted offering Online Dating Coaching.] …. You haven’t said stop bugging me … saddens me to know that you’re enjoying being solo so much … what about a place for me on your dance card ? just say no ! …. or let me know about coming with me to a party Sat Nite in east village
edit this … “saddens me to know that you’re enjoying being solo so much …” cool to be solo .. but I’m not a bad lay …. come to party with me on Sat.

Again, November 24
ok .. what will we tell our friends when they ask how we met ??? Abby … I am going to stop … but just let me know that you’ve seen my messages and just don’t see the fit …

November 26
party starts early tonite … I’ll be there around 9 …. today .. biking in Central Park bet 2 & 4 … surprise me one way or antother … hit my cell 917 XXX XXXX voice / txt

December 2
gong cruising now …. txt me if you decide to make an appearance … the Frank Ghery bldg …. Barry Diller’s IAC Headquarters …. on West Side Hiway near Chelsea ( same block as the kitchen) starts now
http://itp.nyu.edu/bigscreens

December 4
just saw post about your performance in the slope …. oy ! hope I keep busy enough so I dont start stalking you ….. I hooked up with someione I met at a party last week in EV …. think I might have even tried to entice you to contact me with an invite …. she was all over me at the party but said … you can’t fuck me … over and over again … but we went home together and agin it was no, no, no … while we were both tasting each other all over …. She was even wearing a tampon … but I wonder if that was to just re enforce her firewall [GAAAAAH! Talk about TMI!] …. anyway AE … passions prevailed and we both enjoyed a very blissed out Sunday … I’m too much of a gentleman … need to be met … maybe not half way but at least a 3rd of the way ….. ( but really like it the best when I get a surpries attack ) …. anyway again … dont understand your no’s …. tho the custoary just ignore protocol … hard to get used to after being in a semi ltr for several months …. just wondering if your nos might become yesses sooner or later

December 11
hey … tonite … Sunday 12/11 ,,, come here ….. La Vie
64 E. First Street did you delte my earlier message with my cell ? Ill lbe there around 10:30 … a birthday party for photographer friend … so if you happen to be interested either text me or I’ll look back here … birthday boy is Colin …

December 12
[This was the day I discovered the aforementioned Facebook spam folder. My response, on Facebook.]
Wow. I just now found ALL these emails after reading about “messages Facebook is hiding from you.” Wow. Next time try emailing me at my real email address: editrixabby@gmail.com. Cause Facebook sucks.
Abby
Mea culpa because, yes, emails immediately began arriving in my Gmail box:

Also on December 12
Subj.: (not) stalking you
ooh … a little encouragement from you re: my litany of fanmail and flirts to you on FB.
any room on your dance card for this guy ?

Who are you and how did you find me? Your emails on FB were all in my spam folder. I know nothing about you except that you come off, yes, like a stalker.
Abby

… I ran across you while I was googling to find out about a Rubilad Haloween party in October
Checked out your blog and became empathic/got the impression we could enjoy each other’s company  after reading about your adventures with online dating and your other adventures / perspectives on things.
So since you seemed open to encounters with “blind dates” I decided to contact you directly..
Now … how can I intererest you enough to start out on your B-List ?? …. you can friend me/check me out on FB and hopefully lose concerns about me being too flaky … I’m also on LinkedIn FWIW …. But my notes to you on FB were geared to revealing interesting things about myself … a  50-something tecchie … long time Soho resident …. divorced since early 90’s ( my ex was/is a writer / editor )  — No kids.
Sending you an invite for the dating.nerve.com beta.  My profile on the old Nerve site (now fast cupid) is stevenXXXX
Let’s kill a bottle of wine together and have a few laughs / insightful discussions.  Or if you’re going to be at a holiday party that I can attend … let me know and we can have an initial meeting that way. 
I like the bottle of wine / nightcap idea … but as a first step will send you an invite to something I will be going to next Sunday / Monday … also have the Basquiat show in Harlem on my to do list ….
Need more ?? … let me know … or just say NO …. You never did .. so I persisted.  A woman like you seems to be just my type and might be a precious find.
Take care,
Steve

And again on December 12
Subj.: ?? safe venue for rendevouz …. was — Reminder! ITP, NYU Winter Show 2011! Dec 18 & 19.
If you are interested in getting together and we can’t figure anything out before next Sunday ..

Best !
moi
[This was accompanied by an e-flier for an photography exhibit.]

December 15
Subj.: potentially spellbound … [WAS …. (not) stalking u …]
HEY …

Broken date tonite … will be in chelsea … surprise me with a check-in — . did they want $$ for the nerve dating offer I sent u ??  Big deal to respond to my FB friend request ???
In case you havent seen this … kinda cute .. a bit long …. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UsE5mysfZsY
Need to go check your blog to see what youve been up to …. not a good stalker … may set up rss reader  ( u know I am a tech nerd too, right ??? ) to keep current with you until you throw cold water on this  ….

happy holidays !
Steve

Again on December 15
Subj.: ” …. and they will go away …. “

“just ignore them ?”
follow your tweets … me — @steveXXXX
ok so you joined Nerve ( need to see if I got credit for you joining )
and you are playing there but have not reached out to virtualmoi …..
no urge to explore more with me ?
‘cmon …

December 17
Subj.: crossing paths ….
not the least bit curious ???   more concerned that my interest is perverse ?????
c’mon …
Lots going on next week …. u be around nyu and solo tomorrow afternoon ???
http://itp.nyu.edu/show
May do it Monday nite, too ….
Steve

ps … of course open to your suggestions …..

December 19
Steve,
Firstly, I never said NO because I never got those emails. As I
stated, they all wound up in Facebook’s version of a spam folder.
After that, my first contact to you was to find out who you are and
how you found me. Thank you for your response. It does seem a bit
creepy. But I suppose I could go the “I’m flattered” route. Which I
usually do.
Then you ask me to surprise you with a check-in? We are still
strangers. As for responding to FB friend requests, I don’t “friend”
people I haven’t met.
You send me suggestions of places to meet you with pretty much NO
regard to my schedule. If you are actually interested in me, perhaps
asking me out on a date might’ve worked. If I were vaguely interested
in you. But why — or HOW — would I be?
Sorry to be rude but wow, you have been conducting yourself as though
we are already friends. I can appreciate that you may be experiencing
some sort of familiarity if you’ve been reading my blog but it isn’t a
substitute for reality.
Abby

hey … all this might go away if we did get to face time …  one way or other and I think positive ….
re: spontaneous invites … we’re all busy this time of year …. and you seem like independent spirit …. and able to welcome a bit of friendly chaos ….
FB invite was to give you a peek into a bit more of myself ….
So since you seemed open to encounters with “blind dates” I decided to
contact you directly.
Now … how can I intererest you enough to start out on your B-List ?? ….

you can friend me/check me out on FB and hopefully lose concerns about me
being too flaky … I’m also on LinkedIn FWIW …. But my notes to you on FB were geared to revealing interesting things about myself … a  50-something tecchie … long time Soho resident …. divorced since early 90’s ( my ex was/is a writer / editor )  — No kids.

but I guess I got that NO I asked for …. u can always re-consider . I’m the 59 yo looking at the Pollock on Nerve ….. XXXXXX
Will cease and desist .. but betting our orbits will collide and we will have a good laugh about this bad start !
Best !
Steve

Also on December 19
Subj.: …. A.D.Disorder
sorry again …
Abby .. I did suggest meeting for drinks/proposed making a date
>Let’s kill a bottle of wine together and have a few laughs / insightful >discussions.  Or if you’re going to be at a holiday party that I can attend … >let me know and we can have an initial meeting that way.
[Okay, I’ll give him that, he had sort of suggested a meeting, but since when is “killing a bottle of wine” or inviting yourself to tag along to someone else’s holiday party asking someone out on a date? Am I living in another century or something?]
this week’s pretty crazy so I doubt if we can make that happen  …. but I’m hoping you’re insightful enough to have enough clarity to see that there might be a mis-understanding ….
now bye bye … yout move
/s

ps … nice that you replied

Okay, here’s my move.
What was RUDE was that you kept sending me emails to meet you
spontaneously when we had had NO communication. I knew NOTHING about
you. Your Facebook page? Please. That isn’t even as “thorough” as a
profile on OKCupid. Usually, when people meet online there is some
sort of reciprocation. I never had an opportunity to reciprocate.
Other than respond to your volley of emails.
Anyway, I really don’t want to argue with you, a STRANGER.
I doubt our orbits will coincide, since I have over 1000 friends, none
of whom know you, so I’m not quite sure HOW we would coincide. I am
not attracted to you. I am not interested in you. Is that clear
enough?
I apologize for being so blunt but you really didn’t leave me with much choice.

regrettable … saw alot in you … prefer to cut to chase than be pen pals … but without mutual interest … cest tut ..
adios …

moi
And again on December 19

sorry … I know I told you that earier message would be fini after you let me know I moved you to “Rude”-ness …. but just re-read following and don’t understand why you  took offense
…. Thurs nite .. maybe you would be in Chelsea doing galleries .. could have “surprised me with a check-in” email … saying yeah … meet me at this gallery ….
really good luck with your journalism and love life, Abby ….
Steve

December 22
Subj.: reggae
Rude Boys …… ok to be rude …. still relating to cartoon of you ( shadow boxing ) ….. surprised at your cautiousness ….. especially after reading some of your journal articles about cyber dates ….. I’ve been getting ready for the big spring cultural event …. the Wagner Ring Cycle …..  Imagine you as a Valkyrie ….. showing me your vulnerability … a bit …. sorry to victimize you so …. you actually sent my name out to 1000 people ????? [NO idea what this means.]
Cheers !

January 7
Subj.: dylan trumps adele …
Abby –

still difficult for me to shift into a more serious mode to gain your respect …. writing you now after running into your profile on Nerve …. are you in Marin now ????  Did you dig deep enough into my profile to notice that I spent time in bay area studying at Berkeley.
Go check out the shawn thackery winery in Bolinas http://www.wine-maker.net/  pick up a bottle for us to enjoy when u get back !!   ( guess u have to pay for a checked bag to bring it back on plane )  … just visit the winery ….. I can find a bottle of Pleides here in NY
Anyway .. was trying to think of a clever way to ask you to put the messy past behind us and re-consider ( will be pinging you on Nerve ) … and a line from a Dylan song wafted through my brain …. the line about ” …. acts like we never have met” ….. ( want you to forget your objections)
Well . I researched the lyrics and found the whole song ….  what a moving piece ….
Anyway, Ms. E …. really hard to belive that you find my spontaneous / free-associating attempts to get your attention to be offensive and inappropriate …. but I do realize “a girl’s gotta be careful” …..
Sharing these lyrics with you …. and continue to wonder why you don’t see possiblitites that we might explore.http://www.metrolyrics.com/i-dont-believe-you-she-acts-like-we-never-have-met-lyrics-bob-dylan.html

First off, I hate wine and don’t drink it.
I am not offended and I don’t find your (multiple) attempts at reaching out to me (in a WIDE variety of places…Etsy? Really?) to be “inappropriate.” What is and isn’t appropriate, when it comes to online contact? What I have been trying to tell you is that I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOU. I do NOT find you attractive. In the least.
If you had made contact with me AS FRIENDS and not as a “romantic interest” there may have been a chance I would’ve met you for a beer or something. Given that is NOT the case, you’re out of luck. Sorry.
Have a wonderful 2012!

got it ! … not interested in uphill struggle …. the funky Thackery winery in Bolinas is quite a scene tho …
no clue about the Etsy thing …. wondering if you might be confusing me with somone else ….
anyway … best to you … your talents will be rewarded ….

And then, if all THAT wasn’t enough, he emailed me on Nerve.

wow … yes u are right …
from Esty …
“already tried you on Twitter and Facebook …. Google+ ??
too many synergies … keep playing with fast cupid or whatever, but just
push button and ring *my* bell …..
no mas … I’m persistent and resourceful, but not psycho stalker … just
need to follow the attraction …
not cool, probably … but whoIam
xoxo
moi”
that was from after Halloween when I was trying to find out if there was going to be Rubilad party .. hard to understand .. but … digging deep into my journalism background

Okay, my dear readers, if you’ve made it to the end of all this back-and-forth-ing, I gotta ask: Is THIS how it’s done these days? Is finding someone you like the looks of online the same as actually MEETING them? If it’s outside the online dating realm? Should I have been flattered and agreed to meet this guy? Or was I appropriately creeped out? I believe myself to be a fairly forgiving sort and, if he hadn’t come across as SOOOO desperate, I might’ve actually met him. ‘Cause that’s how I roll. But, man! I was especially irked that he thought I was being “cautious.” I’m anything but! Am I closing off my options? We don’t have ONE friend in common. And given that this is one big city, it’s also one very small world. What would YOU do? I suppose I’ll be hearing what HE would do seconds after I hit “Publish.” Sigh…

A Two-Way Street

Love and online dating: both are definitely a two-way street situation. As it is in a crowded room, one person checks the other person out, sends a “flirt,” a wink or a smile, perhaps even an email. (Or, in the case of SeniorPeopleMeet, a flaming heart or whatever) The other person responds…or they don’t. If you follow my posts, it may often appear as though I’m a sitting duck (or chick, if you will), fielding flirtation from dozens of online suitors. I rarely tell you about the men I email who don’t respond. Somehow that just doesn’t seem quite as hilarious. Hah. Well, here are a few.

I sent this message to a guy in LA whose profile picture was of someone skateboarding at Burning Man.
Hey, you’re skateboarding at my friends’ camp! Sorry to bother you from afar…I’m always compelled to click on the playa pix…
Abby
He never responded.

A friend “recommended” this guy’s profile, thinking he’d be a good match for me. I checked him out; one of his pix was captioned “Sunday mornings are not pretty.” I thought it was a cute picture. I sent him this:
I disagree with your assessment of Sunday mornings. That shot is great! A friend told me to look you up on here…curious why that marshmallow robot hasn’t ever tossed you my way. Check out my profile and see if anything piques your interest.
Abby
No response.

This guy was both one of my “Quiver Matches” and of definite interest:
Hmmm, I think I can say yes to all of your “You should message me if”s… 
The marshmallow robot has put you in my Quiver and suggested I send you a lovely email. Dunno how lovely this is…your “responds selectively” is preventing me from spinning a lengthy yarn. But I thought I’d drop you a line and see if you’d be up for a beer or something. I’ve noticed that you’ve visited my profile…not sure if that means you aren’t interested or shy. Which is it, Sir Cutup? Enjoy this sunny Thursday! 
Abby
And again, no response.

I can only conjecture why men don’t respond. They aren’t interested is the obvious one. Maybe they’ve met someone. Or are simply too busy. OKCupid has a feature that tells you how often people respond: Often, Selectively or Rarely. I respond to every guy who emails me, regardless of how rude or ridiculous, age or geographically inappropriate. I try not to mislead — or lead on — anyone. If I’m not interested, I do my best to let them know politely and gently, often with “Best of luck in your search,” which I believe sounds rather final. Of course, even when I’ve been pushed to say something as definitive as “There is no way there would ever be any romance between us,” some men manage to maintain optimism.

Meeting someone online — and subsequently in person — is a crapshoot and, in a way, a miracle. Two strangers synch up their schedules, suspend their cynicism and mistrust and put themselves in the same room…it takes a lot of…what? Faith? Hope? Both, and yes, optimism. Sometimes I find it difficult to believe that it even happens. And I do it all the time!

Whether I’m turning someone down or being the one (silently) turned down, I do my best to keep hoping.

More Senior Stupidity

I think my online dating excursions have reached a new low. And I’ve hardly even left the house. I’m patiently waiting for my month’s membership on SeniorPeopleMeet to expire. It seems that most of the men on here are about to expire! It’s depressing as hell! To call it a retirement community would be saying there may actually be some action – or some socializing. Most of these men look like they don’t ever get off their couches. They don’t know how to spell. They don’t know how to type. And they sure as hell don’t know how to present themselves in an online forum. Frankly it’s mind-boggling that there could be so many functionally illiterate men out there! And so many from Buffalo! Check out some of these  erudite Einsteins and their alluring sales pitches:

SKIPHIGH says  he’s “interested in me” (with one of those canned emoticon messages). His profile? No photo and:
I very happy going guy easy to please love to go out love sports and love church
Yup, completely sans punctuation!

ATREVINO533 is also interested. His profile? Another black silhouette and:
I looking for some one
I’m sure he is. But again, no punctuation.

Another match made in cyber-heaven:
I am a widower who is dedicated to his family. I do not smoke or drink. I am a home body unless it is going for a drive into the country, antique shows, garage sales, carnivals, fairs or activities with the kids or work

My favorite:
iwant somebody to like me for who iam

I guess it makes complete sense that these guys don’t bother writing a personal message. They’re barely capable of tip-tapping out a brief description of themselves! I assume a date would involve raw meat, rubbing sticks together and, if I lasted long enough, them dragging me back to their caves by my hair.

How ’bout this 68-year-old fossil, who wrote:
Hi Whats your ring size, and shall i call the caterer! ? LOL Whats a LUDDITE????
 

Okay, so I realize that I may be coming off sound like a bit of a hypocrite. I’m calling old guys fossils while desiring dates with younger dudes. But I’ve never made a cyber-pass at anyone more than a decade my junior. And can I help it if I wind up in bed with boys a dozen years younger? It takes two! I hope you won’t hold it against me.

TOLDUIWOULDWAIT in Minneapolist says:
Not many of us still drink PBR, I think that is what I saw in your pic
Right he is! And clearly this guy hasn’t been to a bar overrun by hipsters in the last, like, decade! Or perhaps to a bar, period.

REDNOLES, a 77-year-old in, like, Florida, says:
Sweetheart thanks for your photos you made my day. If we don’t ever chat or any thing I can look at your pictures and drool. lov you Larry

Thank you, Larry. I guess.
You’re too far away to bother chatting. And you’re also a bit too old for me. I know, age is just a number. But seriously…

And then there are the wholesome guys who are, for some odd reason, attracted to me. This gentleman was a little overboard in his first hello:

Subject: Your up late!
I liked your profile and it made me think that It’s times like these we learn to live again. I am a down to earth man looking for a special person to share my life with. I am a very easy person to get along with.I am looking for a loving, committed relationship. Not just a fling or one night stand. Family is very important to me. I am looking for a someone who is respectful but not to serious. If you cant laugh at yourself don’t laugh at anyone else. Someone who will treat me as good as I treat them. I am looking for a best friend that can turn into something more. I am a widower who is dedicated to his family. I do not smoke or drink, I’d just like to add, I’m a traditional man and a gentleman. As I approach the second chapter of my life, I am excited at the prospect of having a wonderful life with someone very near and dear to my heart. Would you like to get to know one another?
Jim
“Hugs”
Or should I say “I Love You”

Jim,
Thank you for your note.
No, I don’t think you should say “I love you.” You know close to nothing about me.
I drink all the time. I’ve written for porn magazines. I use the word “fuck” in every other sentence.
So I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t have much in common.
I wish you luck in your search and hope you find that best friend you’re looking for.
Abby

I guess I was successful in my attempt to dissuade him because he didn’t respond. I can’t say the same for the god-fearing guy on OKCupid. (See that post for…that.)

And for a few good laughs, here are a couple pix of men who’ve been “interested in me” (cue smiley emoticon):

I KNOW! I am going to burn in HELL! But really…. I mean REALLY!

Blind Date Hell

In aniticipation of my return to the city, I reactivated my profile on OKCupid with the goal of lining up a few dates. I had more than a few interesting men “on the line,” some I was even excited to meet. For the most part, I was really just eager to “get back in the game.”

One guy had been sending me flattering messages and, after a few back and forths about a date, he suggested we meet for “happy hour.” We still hadn’t figured out an exact time – or place – and when he said he couldn’t leave the office till 6:30 at the earliest, I thought perhaps I could manage a “two birds with one stone” situation . I had a friend in town staying with me and we both wanted to check out Pleasure Salon. So I thought she and I could go together, hang out for a bit and then I’d meet up with my “date.” I let him know and he agreed to meet me there. My friend and I got to Happy Ending around 6:00 and by the time I was on my second beer my date still hadn’t shown. On my way to the bathroom, a guy stepped in front of me and exclaimed, “Hi, stranger!” The rest of what transpired and our subsequent reactions is in our emails:

Hey sorry.  I split. I just found it a bit odd that we were meant to meet there and it seemed as though you had no idea who I was. Hoping you have an amazing evening.
R
Sorry? I’m guessing not, or you would NOT have left. That was pretty fucking rude.
Of course I had no idea who you were. Your photo on OKC isn’t of your face, so it’s tough to tell what you even look like. How was I supposed to recognize you?
Anyway, I hope that karma catches up with you!
Abby
It’s cool. I admit it was rude to leave that’s why I apologized. However I dont think I was the only party that was rude. As far as karma goes I’m not worried. Because I’m a good person who treats people well.
You didn’t treat me too well.

I thought I did. I was excited to see you I introduced myself. You said your friends were around the corner and to introduce myself. Before saying anything else.  My perception of that was rude. Either way I’m sorry if you thought I was rude.
R

Actually, no, you didn’t introduce yourself. You said, “Hi, stranger.” The lights behind you made it hard to even see your face. Not that I would’ve recognized you since your face is so small on your profile pic. I was on my way to the bathroom and suggested you sit with my friends, where I was sitting. If that wasn’t to your liking you could’ve waited for me to get out of the bathroom. Instead, you just left. Making a date with someone and then disappearing is rude. Plain and simple. Offering to have you join my friends as I was on my way to the bathroom? I’d like to hear what about that was rude.
No response. My cousin said she would’ve left, too. Was I really that rude? I dunno. It’s all such a crap shoot.

Another guy who’d been causing me more aggravation than excitement had the screen name “Masuginah,” the Yiddish word for crazy. I thought it was a sign of a wry sense of humor. Instead, it turned out to be an apt self-description. He began with a brief flirtation and I wrote back that his profile was completely empty, so it was tough to discern if we might have a connection. He responded with an invitation to “ask away.” When I didn’t immediately reply (I’m assuming he saw that I was “online”), he “shouted” back at me:

 I THOUGHT SO

I wrote back, You thought so? What did you think? What am I supposed to ask you? How about why haven’t you filled out your profile at all? Are you new? Shy? Why not volunteer a little bit of info?

The rest of the conversation went like this:

i did put a little more info in my profile, so thats not good enough?

I’m not sure why you’re so combative, especially with a stranger, on a dating site that’s designed to help you meet people. They site is easy to navigate, fun to use and matches people in fun ways, especially compared to many other dating sites.
If it’s all too much work for you, why bother?

its not hard work at all but i dont need no nerdy robot pickin my one and only and since you’re pickin on me will you tell me your name?..im Anthony

My name is Abby. Thought that was somewhat obvious.
The nerdy robot does a pretty damn good job at matching people. YOU pick your one and only. I’ll go read that little bit extra you added to your profile.
And if you’d like to know more about me, you can google me, check out my Facebook page or read my blog.
Abby

oh so you’re not here to meet anyone?

Of course I’m here to meet someone. What gave you the idea that I’m not?

see thats how you get to know someone you ask its better than lettin rudy tudy the robot pick it

Whatever, dude. I don’t know why you’re on here. It’s obviously a waste of your time. Asking questions is for when you meet people in person. Dating sites answer many of the questions for you if you just take the time to fill out the profile. No need to let “rudy tudy robot” do anything at all for you. I can read. You can read. We can both see photos.
Best of luck to you in your search. <cue you calling me a stuck up bitch or some other derogatory name>
Abby

ok one woman freak show good luck to you also and your stale humor

Oh, sorry. Was that humor? I couldn’t tell. It sounded to ME like you hated the site and couldn’t be bothered using it. If I got that wrong. DO let me know. I have a great sense of humor. Just GOOGLE ME.

yes it was i try to make people smile it makes for a better day

Well, I apologize. I did not detect any humor. As I said, you sounded totally aggro and irritated, both with me, this site and “rudy tudy the robot.” Humor rarely comes across online, especially with strangers.
And yes, by the way, I AM a one woman freak show.

well im full of humor not shit and if i have to send a smiley face after each message to show i mean no harm i will and ill start now…….:)and one extra..:)

And what did you mean when you emailed me: “I THOUGHT SO.” Was that humor as well?

no that was bein a wise ass:)

hi i checked you out on facebook…

And?

i enjoyed reading and looking at your photos… 
 so what does it take to meet you?

It takes sincere communication. I’m out of town til the 24th and my week when I get back will be crazy so the soonest I could get together is early Nov. if that suits you.
A

so when you mean sincere does it mean contacting you everyday to see how you are doing and phone communication?

No, it means an email with no snark, so smartass and no sarcasm. You know, a straightforward note. Nothing fancy.

hi would you like a phone conversation?

No, I prefer to meet in person. No need to draw things out if there’s no chemistry.

ok

Hi, so when will I be available? 
[That was from him…I didn’t have a chance to respond before he sent his next note.]

When will u be available is what I meant

Hah! I’ll be more organized and settled (hopefully) next week or the week after. Do you want to make plans to meet up? Lunch? Dinner? Drinks?
Lemme know!
Abby

Yes we can meet up for dinner when you’re settled in

I was asking if you wanted to make plans. If we don’t make plans now for next week, it will be next week and we’ll have no plans. I’m cool either way but have a pretty busy life and without plans, I make other plans. Not to sound all “I’m so popular” or anything…

How’s next saturday night?

I can’t do weekends, unfortunately. I kinda reserve them for my friends and events they’re producing that I like to support. Any other night works, though. I have a happy hour to attend on Tuesday the 8th but that will only be for a short while. We could meet up after. Wednesday the 2nd? The 3rd?

Sounds like you wouldnt have time for a relationship from that last e mail..but the 3rd is fine

If I had a relationship, that person would be integrated into my life. As I would I would be into his. I have a full and fulfilling life. I’m not some loser sitting in my apartment lonely with no friends. And I would rather spend my weekends with those friends than strangers. That’s pretty simple. After we’ve met, you won’t be a stranger anymore.
Glad you can do the 3rd. I’ll email ya closer and we can pick a place. Do you want to come to my neighborhood, have me come to yours or meet somewhere else? Sorry if I’m repeating myself but I’m in the East Village…

No I would love to see your world..im honestly looking forward to being in new york city with you

Awesome! You’re on my calendar!

Hi,
Just checking in about Thursday evening. Did you still want to get together? Also, what’s your name?
Abby

Hi, yes I do still want to get together..Anthony

Okay, Anthony,
Let’s say Thursday at 7. Do you have a place in mind or should I pick one?
Abby

I would have to leave it up to you since its your neighborhood

Ok, well there’s every type of food near me. What do you like?

Sushi?

Sure. My usual place closed but there are a few others. I’ll send you an address before Thursday.

Hi Anthony,
Ack, I lost my phone on Halloween and that’s what I usually use for all my communicating! So let’s figure out a time and place for dinner tomorrow. There’s a sushi place on the corner of Avenue A and St. Marks. Want to meet there at 7?
Abby

Hi, sure thats fine with me..

And the afternoon we were scheduled to meet, he sent this:

i find this very odd that we had not one phone conversation

Odd why? We are strangers. Once we’ve met in person we won’t be.
I don’t ever have phone conversations with “blind dates.”
Does this mean you’re canceling dinner tonight? Or will you be at the restaurant at 7?
If not, please let me know as soon as possible.
Thank you!
Abby

I wont meet anyone til I talk on the phone to see if they are who they say they are. Just like you certain things matter.

I guess the dinner date is cancelled.
Best of luck to you in your search.
Abby

You put a damper on my search just for the simple fact that I feel your profile is bogus and a fraud 
[Gotta love this. What am I? A computer? A bot? Whose Facebook page did he think he was looking at? That’s some seriously advanced technology!]

What a fuckin joke this is

So of youre real come to jersey

No thank you. I don’t have a car. If I’m not real, who the hell has been emailing you? What would a phone call tell you? Try it: 000-000-0000. I’ll answer. But I could be ANYONE.

[When he didn’t call, I gave him a taste of his own snarkieness.] I THOUGHT SO

[And then the guy actually called. I told him it wasn’t worth my time, that he’d been aggro since the beginning, it was rude to cancel mere hours before the date and I couldn’t be bothered. Then came the string of psycho emails.]

Talk about a internet game player.get s grip already thats why ur single im single because she died so good luck with the bullshit and last but not least is I would have met you tonight

If you would’ve met me, why did you bother with YOUR bullshit of needing to speak on the phone? THAT was an internet game.

Best of luck to you, too.

ok brat

Seriously, dude?

im not a dude m a grown man

A grown man AND an asshole!

ok i can accept that

no reason for you not to understand me

but one thing im not is some self centered asshole like you

[And if that wasn’t the icing on the cake, he actually emailed me yet again!]

why you so thick headed

Sigh. I’m not sure why I even bother…Today I had a lunch date that he cancelled…last night at almost 11pm. And when he asked to reschedule, I actually said yes. I may need my head examined. On the bright side, I met two OKC guys in one night Friday. That’ll have to be a different post!

Senior People….Zzzzzzzz

Yes, I’m back. Back in the city. And back at the online dating grind. As predicted, more high hilarity has ensued and I haven’t even been on a date yet! (Well, technically I have been on a date. Last night I met up with someone I’d been emailing on OKCupid since last year. So that doesn’t really count. Or does it? More on that another time.) Anyway.

A few months before I left for the desert I joined SeniorPeopleMeet. I mean I signed up for it but didn’t pay, so I was only being “viewed.” I couldn’t respond to emails or communicate with members in any other fashion. I made a joke about it here. But a few days after I returned to civilization, I actually forked over the money for a month’s membership. And when I told friends about it they all groaned, “You aren’t a senior, Abby!” But I kind of am. I mean, it was getting a little ridiculous being “cruised” — and propositioned — by 20-somethings on OKCupid . Flattering as well, yes, but not exactly leading in the direction of forever. I thought, why not get on a site designed specifically for people at least a little bit older? Like, in my general age range… Well, holymotherofgod. It’s like a goddamn old folks’ home on there! Not to mention the lamest, corniest, clunkiest interface EVAR! I’d say don’t get me started but you know that’s exactly what you want! Okay, here goes!

One of the site’s most glaring glitches was evident on my “Who’s Viewed Me” page; men who had not only viewed me before but who had emailed me (or, more likely, “flirted”) were listed as “NEW!” with “1 view.” They can’t even seem to get that right. Not that it matters.

First off, the site offers canned “flirts,” much like OKCupid’s “winks.” They are incredibly trite and about as far some sincere as the internet is capable of conveying:
Feel free to send me a message ; ) – Yeah, why don’t YOU send ME a message? Instead of this stupid “flirt?”
I’m interested in you. Yup, interested and lazy.
I’d love to hear from you. Um, not gonna happen. 
Great Photo. Care to chat sometime? Yeah, that last one makes me think there’s more money to be made by the site if everyone’s IMing away. I haven’t been brave enough — or stupid enough — to turn off my pop-up blocker and allow these fossils to “chat” with me!
I Like You! Hahahahah! Sounds like one of those little Valentines we used to swap in grade school. Which is pretty much the way the whole site feels. And, I’m assuming, the demographic they’re shootin’ for.

These “flirts” are all accompanied by cutesy-pooh emoticons, ie a smiley face with hearts as eyes. I was getting so many that I changed my profile to say: Also, no “flirts.” They’re generic and anonymous and irritating as HELL! If you can’t craft a personal message, don’t bother. I realize that because you’re on THIS site you may be a Luddite, but don’t let that hamper your ability to communicate. But does anyone pay any attention? Hell no. And most of those who did take the time to write a personal message asked what “Luddite” means. Sigh.

I’d also written PLEASE! If you don’t have a photo, don’t bother! It’s only fair. Yet the generic, canned flirts just keep on a’comin’! Grrrr! Faceless dudes all over the damn country emailing me flaming hearts. That’s another mark against the site: it doesn’t screen people for geographic location unless you’re doing the searching. In other words, it throws people at you with little regard to where you live.

A few days ago my inbox started blowing up. And I began to suspect the site of sending bots. Er, fake emails. I was getting “views” and “flirts” from dozens of men who had no photos, many of which didn’t even have a brief little blurb of introduction. “Ping” after “ping” from the black silhouette head, smiley face with heart-shaped eyes and screen names that appeared to have a strange same-ness: FRED45COOL and JIM69TX or SAM77SWIM. Those who did have a bit of their profile filled out were so generic that they sounded made up. With all my experience trying to sound like a “real person” back in my porn days, it isn’t difficult to recognize fictionalization. So many included the words “laid back” and “easy going” that everyone sounded tranquilized! Like I said, it does resemble a retirement community.

Of course, the names that do have photos and profiles are just plain alarming: CHUCKYHOT. Um, not. WILDBUTSAFE. I seriously doubt it. The wild part, I mean. COOLTUSH. Huh? The percentage of men who have the word “fun” in their screen name is also somewhat jarring. I realize I’m “old” and still “fun” but just because you can still get up and walk around doesn’t quite qualify you as “fun.” Or hot. Or wild.

Here are few of the most frightening examples (and my apologies to you, gentlemen, but I mean, c’mon):

This guy says he’s 50. Really? I mean, seriously? There is NO WAY!

And this guy is supposedly 51. Can’t that truly BE?

I suppose, at 56, this gentleman is more credible, but doesn’t it look like he’s a little used up? Or beaten down?

The bottom line is, do ANY of these guys look like they’d have anything in common with me? Be able to keep up with me? I included in my profile a brief, if slightly ballsy (and possibly offensive) caveat: “You’d better be a VERY young old person! I have never dated anyone older than me, at least not since before I got my driver’s license. I have an exciting life that I’d love to share but I don’t want it to kill anyone!” Why go on a date if the dude’s gonna keel over the next day?

Thus far I’ve had only one slightly unpleasant interaction. In a fit of disgust at yet another guy without a photo sending me a somewhat obnoxious email, I couldn’t stop myself from being a bit rude:

Subject: Dear Abby,
OmiGod, I just had to say that, start this massage no,I didn’t misspell it, (verbal massage) that way. Well I barely remembered what a luddite is(small l in Webster’s). I don’t send “flirts”; they are meaningless, should never have been born, only massage to be read, although I give great backrub. That is simply a given. For once you are going to be the “editoree” instead of the editor. And that, in my humble…….is o.k.
Webster’s….I know….AGAIN…. calls fem. for editor “editress”, you call that person an “editrix”. Do not fear, I shall be gentle, for who knows,this could be your very 1st time? But since that is highly improbable, I shall still be gentle because I am a gentle kind of a guy, and I like to play with the Language, craft my own words, am also a writer….Michael P.S. Old enough to be your father? Hardly. Being away at boarding school when I was 15 or so, I had yet to discover girls. Gosh, that is such a vulnerable admission. Will you be gentle too?….

My response:
Did you read the part of my profile that said no photo, no response? Guess not.

And his:
Ohhh, so short, so curt, so goodbye. [Sent twice!]

Augmented by:
Ooops, think I sent that one twice, a mistake. In your world it doesn’t sound like any are made….or allowed to. I was,and am, going to add, sooo sarcastic….funny thing about sarcasm…. anyone can do it, be that way, even a mental midget 

Hahahaah! Mental midget! Yup, that’s me!

There are, surprisingly, a few guys on the site who don’t look like Santa Claus, don’t live in West Virginia and are capable of stringing together a few sentences with the proper spelling and punctuation. I’m lining up dates with some of them. I’ll most certainly let you know how they go!