Tag Archives: older men

Exuding Sex

So the other day I had an email exchange with a gentleman on OKCupid. It was, as most of them are, irritating. The conversation culminated with a very long communiqué from him and after all the energy it took to read the damn thing I didn’t have any left to respond. But it gnawed at me. This certainly wasn’t the first instance of miscommunication between the genders and it most definitely won’t be the last. But still. Is there any hope? Our exchange:

i thought you gave up on the whole thing? surely your dance card isn’t empty? 
still serving cocktails at double-your-pleasure?

I did give it up. But I’m back. It’s really the only way I meet people outside my social circle. Empty dance card? Um, I’m not currently sleeping with anyone, if that’s what you mean. And yes, I’m back at Double Down after three months out in the desert.

pity. those tits are too grand to be left alone.

Har har. You’re a real charmer.

oh, like i’m the first to make a comment about your tits. 
c’mon, abs, i think youre adorable.

Nope, just the oldest.

i know that’s not true. and if you’re trying to insult me you can do much better than that. but nothing sticks.
and i have no reason to insult you. why would i?

It was crass. Of course you’re not the first person to comment on my tits. But through the ether it just comes across as offensive.
And yes, as far as I can remember, I have never heard anyone comment about them who was older than I am, the possible exception being construction workers, since I have no idea how old they are. Not an insult, just an observation.

i’m sorry if i offended you.

Thank you.

there is so much i don’t know, and admittedly don’t understand. 
this will be an attempt at a “sweet” email–perhaps even a confessional–but i don’t know that i’ll succeed and i certainly don’t know if it will be received in the spirit in which it’s meant–nicely. 
i’m bothering to take a stab at this because you’re clearly a smart (i might even say “brilliant”) woman, but a paradox, not that they’re mutually exclusive. 
you were offended by my remarks yesterday even though i’m positive you’ve heard (and hear) worse on regular occasions. i wonder–and don’t beat me up for this–if it’s because of the image(s) you project. 
you exude sex, you work in a bar, you’re covered with tattoos, you’ve had a boxcar’s worth of (self-admitted) wild experiences. that a 60-yr old man should comment about your tits should hardly be eyebrow-raising or dare i say it, offensive. 
the paradox, as i see it (and struggle with) is that you want to be treated like “a lady.” 
this gets back to an old (unresolved) argument: can’t a woman wear provocative clothing without the gawks, cat-calls, and crude comments from men? (ans: no.) 
feminists (and i KNOW you’re in that camp; i am TOO!) would say “men have no right (to make comments)” women would say, “what i wear is my business; it makes ME feel pretty, and sexy, etc.” 
there are consequences; we don’t live in a vacuum; we have to deal with all sorts of people from all walks of life with all sorts of sensibilities. 
do “nice” girls flaunt their sexiness? can they not expect remarks–even less-than-nice–from perhaps “nice” men? the answer is delineated along gender–and people of a certain age. you attempted to dress-me-down with my apparent agedness. i could only be amused. 
in july i got into a discussion with a 68 yr old woman (who claimed online to be 62) about what she felt was a patronizing remark i made to, of all people, gloria steinem, only 25 yrs ago. i shared the story of a brief elevator ride i made with gloria at nbc when i was a writer for the Today Show and gloria was trying out for a host position. 
gloria was clearly struggling, she was scowling, and not getting guests to warm up; this was obvious to producers and everyone watching her on-air. at show’s end the two of us were the only people in an elevator cab. she glowered at me as she entered (we didn’t know one another even though i had to feed her copy). i said, “try smiling more.” (i’ve said worse to bryant gumble. ) my 68-yr old friend took umbrage, and she made it a point to say when she shared the story with a 22-yr old, the 22 yr old (who didn’t know who gloria was, and didn’t know the situation. and obviously didnt have the sensibility of a 68 yr old woman (or a 60 yr old male) agreed. 
my point is perception and sensibility. 
you give all the appearance of feistiness; you dish it out but can you take it? 
what i REALLY wanted to say i won’t repeat here because of your sensitivity (and sensibility) to “crassness.” 
it’s an intersting tightrope you walk–not the least of which because of your self-summary opening–and all that you have encountered–and your self-summary closing, and the declaration that the site is not “okgetmydickwet.” 
and i’m crass for invoking your tits? right. 
so let’s review here, shall we? i’ve complimented you on your brains, body, writing capabilities, sensibility and [tender] sensitivities. 
i came to DoubleDown in May because i was curious to see you person. thru the prism of time, your profile, and your rejoinder to my “crass” remark of last night, i’m hard-pressed to find that “lady.” 
i’m glad she exists–if only in your own mind–but i wonder if you don’t get the correspondence you, forgive me, deserve. 
and though you don’t believe it, i say this nicely. 
the eternal struggle of men and women. 
sincerely, 
m.

Okay. forgive me, dear reader, if any of this sounds like a sputter. I was so irked it was difficult to write clearly. And I hope you don’t mind that I address him directly, since it makes more sense that way.

I am capable of “receiving” messages in the spirit in which they were delivered. So thank you attempting to be “sweet.” I am smart and admit to being a paradox right in my profile. I believe most interesting people are multi-dimensional and, ideally, paradoxical. That’s what makes them interesting.

Saying I’ve heard “worse” than your remark about my tits is certainly accurate but that sort of crassness has, in my experience, been either in the bedroom, where it might be considered in context, or in jest from a friend or from some rude stranger on the street. Yours was on a dating site. If you are at all interested in me — getting to know me better, dating me, becoming my friend — I have to ask, is this putting your best foot forward? But I won’t belabor your remark. I found it crass. And there’s really no point in arguing about whether or not I’ve ever heard “nice tits” before. It doesn’t matter. It irked me and that should be enough.

But let’s address the rest of your message, shall we?

Because you think I “exude sex” and work behind a bar, because I am tattooed and have had an interesting life, and because I project an “image” that is, quite frankly, in your head, because everyone sees the world through their own filters, because of all THIS, you find it odd that I might want to be treated like a lady. Well, first off, I don’t give a fuck about being treated like a lady. Most people don’t. But you also seem to believe I have no right to be offended, to have my feelings hurt, to be “sensitive” or experience any other “feminine” emotions. Well pardon the fuck out of me. I’ll make sure to have only feelings that YOU think I should have.

Your digression into what comes off as a “She deserved to be raped cause she was wearing a miniskirt” argument is even more offensive. Just because a woman looks sexy doesn’t mean she wants sex. Or wants to hear your crass comments. It doesn’t mean ANYTHING, really.

I am feisty. Feisty as hell. I dish it out all the time and, believe me, buddy, take it all the damn time too. You think working in that bar is like the fucking Plaza? I’ve fielded a lifetime’s worth of crass, rude, insensitive, hurtful, horrible BULLSHIT from men. And a bit from women, truth be told. But it’s all been live and in person. So how’s this: I don’t want to EVER hear anything sexual from ANYONE on a goddamn dating site. Ever. I am no prude but until I meet someone face to face, we are STRANGERS. And making any sort of assumptions about a STRANGER is just stupid. Dating sites, as I’ve written before, create a false sense of intimacy. Merely because you know my favorite movies or books — or think you’ve accurately perceived the exact, perfect “image” of me — doesn’t mean you know SHIT about me.

[And if I might digress for a moment, when I first met my husband, we discovered that we both liked the movie “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.” It featured prominently in our early courtship. I had a bagel and a Nutriment in a Tiffany’s bag delivered to him at his office; he gave me the book, with the inscription: “Abby, I hope you enjoy ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’ as much as I enjoyed dinner at Veselka.” The discovery of our common likes (and dislikes) was a pleasant part of getting to know each other, something that is sadly missing with online dating.]

This is why I don’t like to email back and forth forever or, even worse, “chat” on the phone. Either we get together and see if there’s any chemistry or we don’t. And I can usually tell within moments of meeting whether there’s any chance of romance or not.

You came to visit me at Double Down for your various reasons. Was there a spark? Was I interested in you? Um, no. So there you have it. If a friendship is of interest to you, sending me compliments of any sort — cute, crass, coy, whatever — seems pointless. Other than telling me you enjoy my writing, which is how I’ve made a few other friends on OKC, saying nice things won’t get you anywhere. Especially via email.

My “OKGetYourDickWet” comment is to fend off a certain type of person. It isn’t directed at ONE person. And it wasn’t in a “polite” conversation. I am not, for the most part, a lady. So the fact that you haven’t found her, through your “prism of time,” is not surprising. What IS surprising is that you couldn’t just leave it at “I’m sorry I offended you.” Why that wasn’t sufficient — and the end of our irksome exchange — I have no idea. It also pretty much precludes our ever becoming friends. I am reluctant to make any assumptions but if what you were wanting to say, but afraid to due to my “sensitivities,” was something along the lines of “I’d fuck that,” I can tell you that there isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell. Even without your crass remarks and complete inability to grasp the feminine psyche.

Good day, sir!

Age. Ranging.

Richard, a 67-year-old, contacted me: intimidating you seem to me, as probably am I. where in NYC are you? What do you edit? or does your moniker misrepresent. My exhibitionism is limited to swimming and springboard diving. 
may I please hear from you? 

His profile was interesting enough, though he lives outside the city. And, you know, he’s 67. I responded: I don’t find you intimidating. Perhaps a bit beyond my age range. And I have no exhibitionist tendencies. 
Happy to meet for coffee or a beer but no possibilities of romance. [And don’t think for one second I didn’t consider making a Yoda wisecrack!]

He quickly wrote back with: can’t dispute Abby, sorry. Which made me feel bad. I told him there was no need to apologize, it was all good. But… Is it better to just meet every guy? I mean, EVERY guy? Even if there’s no chance of romance? It seems like a waste. I’m ready to be proven wrong about low “match” percentages or photos that don’t immediately appeal to me or even men who don’t have a grasp of grammar. Or spelling. But when someone is so much older than me that I’d find myself worrying about them dropping dead on a date, well… What could I have done differently?

I noticed an intriguing photo — a guy with his dog — so I emailed him: Ack. Yeah I’m way outside your age range. And I could barely read your profile cause I was blinded by that awesome shot of you and your dog. Blah blah blah email me if you feel inspired. After a few back and forths, during which he told me he’d met me, years before, back in 1993, I got the smackdown: Unfortunately, You are a wee bit outside my age range. But I remember you as stunningly groovy, if that counts for anything : )

Oof. Guess I’ve gotta be able to take what I dish out. I was gonna reply with something along the lines of “Just FYI, my last boyfriend was younger than you,” but that would’ve sounded creepy cougar-ish. Instead, I slunk away, my tail between my legs: I suppose it does. Oh well. Thanks for responding. And he shot back: Good luck in your search! Ack. That’s my see-ya-later line!

Somehow, in my head, I’ve managed to convince myself that while there’s a staggering age gap between me, at 53, and some 63-year-old retired dude who lives in the ‘burbs, I haven’t had as much success finding difficulty with the span between me — still vibrant and active and living in the big city — and guys in a similar situation who are 10 years or so younger than me. I regularly turn down 20-somethings (and, truth be told, 30-somethings) because I do think that’s a bit too much of a difference. The question is, how many years are too many years? I hate to get caught up in the numbers game and I suppose there are as many mature young guys as there are immature old guys. It all really comes down to mutual attraction and mutual interests, both of which transcend age. But those are tough to discern when you’re reduced to an online profile that telegraphs how old  you are before any other information.

I Forgot to Have a Family!

The flip side of being an aging single woman, with all its hand-wringing and mirror-hating, is being an aging single man. Yes, many let themselves go and surrender to pleated pants and the oft-accompanying paunch. And some enter a sort of Peter Pan limbo, where they continue to age yet refuse to grow up. Some men are only emotionally single, preferring to stay in loveless marriages for fear of becoming one more elderly bachelor who washes his socks in the sink and eats frozen dinners. But the men who manage to hold onto their looks — and that elusive vibrance — can live the life of Riley. Or Dorian Grey. Witness Hugh Hefner, the ever-shining example of a man who continues to get the hot young babes even into his final days. If he actually has final days.

In this instance, as in so many others, men seem to be the luckier gender. While a single woman may face her twilight years by becoming a cliché — collecting cats, wearing caftans, generally sliding into “kookiness” or merely becoming invisible — a man may face his mortality by deciding to have children. I’ve communicated with more than one 50-something man who mentions in his profile a desire to start a family. Whatever your opinion on May-December relationships, you can’t change the fact that time marches on, regardless of one’s perception of — or distance from — death. I mean, it is a process. First the guy needs to meet a woman. They need to conduct some sort of courtship, however brief it may be. Then they get married. Or just pregnant. By now he’s at least a year older. Which means that he’ll be 69 years old when his first child (or first of his second set) graduates from high school. And that’s the most optimistic scenario.

If a woman wakes up one day and suddenly remembers to reproduce, it may be too late; she can only get pregnant while still fertile (modern day medical miracles notwithstanding). But men can impregnate at almost any age. So. There’s yet another segment of the single male population that is out of play: over-the-hill dudes who just realized they want to be daddies.

Speaking of Old…

…about 24 hours ago I created a profile for myself on SeniorPeopleMeet.com. I KNOW! As much as I may fight it, deny it or ignore it, the fact is…umm, I ain’t young! Their “about” copy says the site is for singles over 55 so I figured, what the hell! At least there won’t be any 20-somethings asking me if I’m looking for a boy toy! There doesn’t seem to be an actual age threshold, meaning you don’t need to be a certain age to join. The age range of my “match criteria” is 42-57 but I doubt that there are any 42-year-olds on there. In fact, there probably aren’t any men below the age of 60, now that I think about it. Who else would be shopping online for broads over 50?

In my “A little about me…” I made it very clear that I had just found the site and hadn’t joined yet, so anyone attempting to contact me wouldn’t be able to reach me. I even made a joke about it, saying it would be a test to see how many people actually read the profiles. Sadly, the invisible editors at SeniorPeopleMeet censored me. Perhaps they don’t want the thousands of salivating seniors, eager to get their wrinkled paws on me, to know that their cyber-advances would be falling on deaf ears. Or wind up in the dead email office. Or some such corny mixed metaphor.

They also deleted the text I put into the “I’d just like to add…” box. I believe it was something along the lines of “Google me,” with a few more words about how I’m available online pretty much everywhere. They thoughtfully left my “About the one I’m looking for…” You’d better be a VERY young old person! I have never dated anyone older than me, at least not since before I got my driver’s license. I have an exciting life that I’d love to share but I don’t want it to kill anyone! Bwahahaha!

Even with my severely abbreviated “Greeting,” over the past 24 hours I have been “viewed” 100 times, “fav’ed” by three guys, received 20 email messages and been “flirted” with a dozen times. Unfortunately I can’t see who’s interested. I can’t read their emails. And I can’t flirt back. Because I haven’t paid to “upgrade.” These web sites say “Join free!” but the only thing you can do for free is, yes, join. Not much else. I’m seriously thinking about forking over the $59.94 for six months just for the sheer hilarity. I mean, check out these mugshots:

They’re enough to make me want to say yes to one of those 20-somethings!

Caring for the Elderly…

…even when they won’t give up! I’ve made it pretty clear in both my online profiles that I’m not interested in older men. I haven’t dated anyone older since before I got my driver’s license. I’m simply not attracted to older men, now especially, when “older” is practically synonymous with white-haired, paunchy and boring as hell. My warning off of these men doesn’t always work; hope springs eternal where there’s Viagra to help other things spring. I probably shouldn’t even respond to these old men and their cyberpasses but I can’t help myself. I believe it’s polite to reply, doing unto others as I’d have done to me. OR in their cases, not done to me… Here are a few of my recent online encounters with older men:

Subject: and now for something completely different

Dear Jade
The saying goes that a cynic is a frustrated optimist. I guess that fits particularly well here. You say you will be surprised if I can show you something new. But to me every woman is a completely new experience. Kissing is different, often even at different times with the same woman. Making love is certainly different, if you are paying any attention at all. Every woman wants to be touched in different ways and is excited by different things. And is not always in the mood for the same thing. That’s one of the wonderful things about making love. It’s never the same. Of course I can’t guarantee to provide you with that zing we are both seeking. It might be there…. Only one way to find out. Please read my profile and then get in touch and we can see about making you simply an optimist.
Bob”

Hello “Bob,”
Thank you for your kind note. I read your profile and you sound like a lovely man. However, I can’t imagine the two of us together in any way. You are free to google me: EditrixAbby (check Facebook), read my blog (www.editrixabby.wordpress.com) or my web site (www.editrixabby.com). It will be pretty obvious what kind of life I lead. And though you say in your profile that you’re looking to see different places and do different things, I somehow can’t envision you spending three months in the Nevada desert working for Burning Man. It’s getting depressing seeing how many men out there (in here?) are so unhappily married. I’m not sure which is sadder, the 60+ men such as yourself, when one would hope to have found someone to get old with, or the 20-somethings who are already miserable and looking to cheat. It’s all a pretty discouraging situation… I wish you the very best in your search.
Abby

Subject: Thank you for responding
Dear Jade,
Thanks for your kind response. There is so much incredible rudeness in these on-line dating sites. I always respond to anyone who contacts me, even if to try to politely say no thanks. I read some of your blog at EditrixAbby. I found it both hilarious, the way you send up the men, and sad. Here is what tiny wisdom I have. Emphasis on tiny. I left my wife for awhile. It made my kids and family miserable. My kids are the most important thing in the world. Also, my dating experiences on websites for singles were awful. So I went back. Things were better for awhile, but the basic problems remain. I’m often lonely and unhappy and like you, I don’t know what I want. So I look for sex to make me feel better. Is that a good solution? No. Does that make me a good person? No. Have I actually hooked up with any on this site? No. So why do I keep at it? Humans are not totally rational, are we. And the need for connection is strong and sex is one of life’s wonders. Life is not simple. People find themselves in situations that are not easy to leave. There is lots of unhappiness in the world. And they try to find some small pleasure. Yes, many people are self-absorbed jerks. You didn’t need to come here to discover that, but it may be more on display here. This is after all a website for men and women who want to cheat. So why be surprised to find that. You sound like me in that there are things driving you that you don’t understand. I’m sure wise folk would tell both of us that the route to happiness is through self understanding and that you can’t love another if you don’t love yourself.
Best in your search.
Bob”

Subject:  right, friends first, then lovers
Dear Jade,
Wanted to make one more comment. Like you, all my significant relationships came from being friends first and then falling in love. Seems the right way to go about it. Means there is some real basis to the attraction and some hope of it lasting for awhile. So if a real connection is what you are looking for why waste your time on this site? You may have some fun making fun, but you won’t find anything really worth much. Of course you could ask me the same question…. And I would refer you to my previous message.
Best,
Bob”

I’m on thus site for the same reasons I do many things: I’m an experience junkie and everything makes good blog fodder. My relationships have not been friends first. The last three were one night stands that became more. I have, literally, hundreds of friends. I meet new people often and easily. This site is merely another avenue. Though you do seem intelligent and thoughtful, both rarities on here, I don’t think we would ever be friends. Our lives are far too different. I appreciate your candid thoughts and opinions and hope you find happiness.
Abby

Subject: fond farewell
Jade,
Ah, you and I agree on so many things. We agree that we are not likely lovers or even friends. We agree that nice in this context is an insult. And we agree that no means no.
I wrote back to your first clear rejection because you were so polite about it and that is rare in this space so I wanted to acknowledge it and thank you.
And I wrote back because you invited me to view your web presence, which I did. And a few things I read there prompted me to respond, one human to another. You say many contradictory things, much makes you no different than the rest of us. Some of them touched me. You invited me in to that space. I thought it polite to comment. Just to be clear, I was not still trying to convince you how winning I am. Here, clearly, I’m not.
Enjoy,
Bob”

___________________

Very impressive web search
you are hot stuff and
i like it, ooh! ooh! pick me, plz! 

Hey there!
I am older, not younger, no fooling. We marginally match according to statisitcs, but I found no one that I would fit as well as with you. I am the Peter Pan, the mid summer’s night dream, the residdent from New Orleand, Austin and SF. Yes, I did live all over, love to be dressed up, tall and what I would like to do to you that you would enjoy if I catch you. You are getting older, so the body may not be so forgiving, but we could hit the all night and after hours places or just stay home and party. I used to own spots in flea markets, like brunches and nearly everything you do, I like also. I did fly planes and I do go boating, go naked on the beach and so much more.
Can you enjoy a older guy who is sincere and honest, fun and real active and would appreciate you on the inside and out and every contradiction. Lets visit and maybe even live on different continents. Vist Australia or South Pole? Tahitiaand Bora Bora.
Tempted? Now you know how I feel.

Hi,
Yes, I can probably enjoy an older guy. Whether or not I can have sex with you is a whole other story. Attraction and chemistry doesn’t follow logic, unfortunately. Or I suppose no one would be single.
I’d be happy to have lunch or whatever…and see what happens. But please don’t expect anything!
A

I never expect anything and sometimes surprised by what I do get. Sounds different, but the fun is in the play and the exploration of someone, sometimes more than the act of intercourse itself, like the guy cupping your breasts.
I once gave a woman an orgasm by foot massage and it was a first date with all our clothes on. So one never knows.
Btw, I got this after perusing your web and blog sites and after I sent the second message. Oops! Your are extraordinary, not for the sexual antics, but the open and honest adult communication without and inhibitions. I did standup comedy and always had to bite my tongue. Maybe I can get to bite yours.
Meet me with no expectations and no agenda, maybe even go for a bike ride, laugh and be spontaneous. You may decide that I can keep up. OMG, can I be a match?

I think I’m gonna have to say no. I’m sorry. I just can’t deal right now.
Too much unbridled enthusiasm based on my web presence is not a good thing. It is definitely not who I am in person.
Sorry.
A

Sorry, about the exuberance. Was about your writing styles, not about your topics or your web presence. Guess you mis-read, but that is okay as we are not always in a good place all the time. I found the idea that your contradictions were appealing, especially the quiet private time, just two out for a picnic but your capability to dress for a holiday. I am like this all the time, so I wish you luck and if you ever want to just meet for a bite to eat and find out whom I am, that is fine.

___________________

Hello Alla:
You had a very nice profile and I hope we would both enjoy meeting each other. I’m seeking a woman that is cool, laid-back, relaxed yet adventurous. I’m secure, bright and witty, with a sense of humor, so hopefully we will talk and laugh a lot together. It also seems we are both lovers of life, with an edge.
I am a 56 year old Harlemite, a fledgling entrepreneur and socially active. I founded a small charity sending medical equipment to third world countries; I belong to several Chivalric Orders (knighthoods) and I ran some formal balls; yet I managed punk bands in the late 70’s. Even though I’m a cis-male, I am very queer friendly.On the kink side, I am Dom, though I do like a little pain.
I enjoy riding, painting and cooking; in fact few things give me greater pleasure than preparing dinner for someone I care about. I read to distraction and like going to museums (I make a good tour guide). I have been known to sing in public and I often wear kilts, so I hope that won’t scare you off.
Perhaps we can chat soon.
Sincerely yours,
Evan” 

Hello, “Evan,”

Who is Alla? Not me. My name is Abby.
I appreciate your fact-filled email. Unfortunately I’m just not interested. I haven’t had much luck with love on this site and lately haven’t felt motivated to go on any more dates. It’s simply not a “normal” dynamic and not how I interact — and successfully get to know — people. On the kink side, I’m neither a domme or a sub, really, but am really not even kinky. So I’m not up for experiencing OR inflicting any pain…
Wearing kilts would NEVER scare me off, as I’m sure you’re aware if you’ve researched me at all…and certainly if you didn’t think your “kink” wouldn’t scare me off. Hah.
I’m sure you are all those wonderful things you’ve listed and more but I just don’t have the bandwidth anymore…
Best of luck in your search!
Abby 


I mis-typed, so sorry Abby. Thank you for the kindest rejection letter, I have ever received. I thought it delightful.
Sincerely,
Evan” 

And still more from the recipient of my most brutal blow-off email ever:

Date:  Apr 29th – 10:26pm
From:  david9105
Subject:  you
Extremely curious about you and would love to learn more about you and what you are looking for. Your profile says a lot but I suspect there is a lot more. How do I find you?

Date:  Apr 30th – 8:43am
From:  david9105
Subject:  RE: RE: you
Still wondering, but will be patient.

Date:  May 2nd – 6:42pm
From:  david9105
Subject:  you
Shall I give up?

Date:  May 2nd – 11:59pm
From:  Jaded-est
Subject:  RE: you
I don’t know how many more times you’d like me to tell you I’m not interested before you give up. I can continue to reject you if that’s what you enjoy.
A

Date:  May 3rd – 12:06am
From:  david9105
Subject:  RE: RE: you
Sorry I missed it. It would not have worked anyway.I just reread your profile and did not realize certain things about you. 

Date:  May 3rd – 12:40am
From:  Jaded-est
Subject:  RE: RE: RE: you
Like what, that I said I don’t date older guys?
Date:  May 3rd – 12:51am
From:  david9105
Subject:  older men
Didn’t realize that you were so obstinate about younger men. Also didn’t realize tat you were a little taller than I was interested in. 

Date:  May 3rd – 1:17am
From:  Jaded-est
Subject:  RE: older men
Hahahahahahahahah! 

Date:  May 4th – 1:12am
From:  david9105
Subject:  youuuuuuuuu
Glad you have a good sense of humor. We may not be for each other but you can still tell me a few things about yourself. We could always be friends.
Signed, The rejected old man.
 

Date:  May 5th – 11:58pm
From:  david9105

Subject:  youuuuuuuuu
How are you?

Wow. You’ve really gotta hand it to this guy. He just keeps swingin’!









Careful, You’re Emailing a Callous Cunt!

Holy fucking christ-on-a-trampoline. It just keeps getting more and even MORE hilarious! I’ve been dying to fill you all in on another dozen ridiculous dicks and share more embarrassing bathroom mirror self-portraits but some of the emails I’ve been receiving are even more laughable. Check out these tools:

Hello,
My name is “Dave.” I found your lovely posting today and I thought I would reply in hopes that we might have something in common. I had been in a committed monogamous ten year relationship – the best ten years of my life – but my lovely lady passed away earlier this year. The time is not yet right for me to start a new relationship like I had with her but I do miss the intimacy – of conversation and of the body – and I miss the loving, the caring, the fun and excitement of two people who completely enjoyed being with each other. Frankly I am hoping to find someone through Ashley Madison who can share those feelings with me but who is not looking for a long term commitment (at least not right at this moment). The timing is just not right yet for me but I hope that will change with time.
I am retired after 40 years of professional work as a project manager for large companies around the world. I love to travel, love the City but also love the beach, boating, the mountains, skiing. And I love to love! I know you said almost never older but that you might be convinced otherwise. I do believe you will find me incredibly young at heart and young in body. In fact my lover often just referred to me as her “teenager”!
My home is on the North Fork of Long Island, I am often in Northern New Jersey and in the City visiting with family and friends and I can travel pretty much anywhere in the Northeast to visit with the right person. If you find what I have said to be interesting, please email me back in some detail, telling me a little more about yourself, and perhaps if there is mutual interest, we could arrange to meet somewhere for a no-commitment cup of coffee or a drink.
Looking forward to hearing from you,

“Dave”

Hello, “Dave,”
Let me get this straight. You’re a 64-year-old widower who isn’t interested in a long-term relationship. What do you have to offer me? A no strings attached roll in the hay? Why on earth would I want that? Especially with someone so much older? When I’m getting emails from 27-year-olds? Mind you, I have no interest in anyone that young. But I also have no interest in anyone that old. I’d prefer someone close to my age, someone I have something in common with. What, pray tell, do you think we might have in common? Do you go out to parties every weekend til 4am? Do you enjoy dressing up in costumes and dropping E? Do you drink in East Village dive bars? Have you been to Burning Man? A sex club? Bonaroo? Coachella? Figment?
Your “lover” said you were “her teenager.” Well, that may have been. But you clearly aren’t. Obviously neither am I but I would NEVER “market” myself as such. Get a grip, man! Please re-read what you wrote me and think it through before you email the same thing to someone else. You say you want intimacy but to what end? We create that intimacy to NO end? What would be the point?
Why aren’t you on a regular dating site looking for people closer to your age? Wouldn’t that make more sense? With possibly better results? Why would you be on a site designed for married people to have affairs?
I’m sorry to be so abrupt and callous but I feel like it’s my obligation to ask “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?!?!”
Do yourself a HUGE favor and join Match.com or some other dating site that is NOT about affairs! That isn’t about people looking for a quick fuck or a sugar daddy arrangement or some other screwed-up situation. You’re obviously a very nice man. Don’t subject yourself to this sort of bullshit.
If you’re really just looking for a one-night stand, you might be better served hiring a hooker. Seriously. I can’t imagine there’s much demand for a 67-year-old guy looking for random sex. Holy shit what is this world coming to?
Best of luck to you.
A

This guy was not only old but short. Like 5’4” short. That is SHORT. His opening salvo:

The picture of you toasting my health got my blood up. Wonder Woman incarnate! (5’10’ , Riviting in a skirt and Boots) I’m by Van Cortland Pk. Where are You?
You’ve had a different experience than I. I’ve become jaded in that I’ve met no one. Its all a slide show.

So I checked out the guy’s profile. Here are his stats:
Age: 59
Location: Yonkers, New York, United States
Height: 5’4″ (163cm)
Weight: 130 lbs (59kg) – Fit
My Limits are: Whatever Excites Me
Status: Single Male seeking Females
Gender: Male
Ethnicity: Hispanic

FIVE FOOT FOUR? Does he represent the Lollipop Guild? I respond politely:

Thank you for your kind words. Haven’t we met on OkCupid? I’m afraid 5’4″ is just a little too short for me, even with your Wonder Woman fantasies!
Best of luck in your search!
Abby

And the ballsy little gnome comes back with:

A fond recollection not a fantasy. 5′ 8” and 170 was the Juno I dated for awhile. SHE convinced me that not every amazon views me as a troll, O well, No attack submarine for you.
Good Luck

No attack submarine for me? Are we playing in the bathtub? And WHY the hell do short guys feel compelled to tell me about the other TALL women they’ve dated? Like I give a shit! I have, literally, dozens of guys to choose from here in the erotic ether. Why would I want a gnome? I did need to give him kudos, though:

Congratulations on such healthy self-confidence! My loss, I guess!

Yeah, right, my loss. NO submarine attack for me! (Said in the voice of NO SOUP FOR YOU!) Bwahahahahaha! Oh man… Guffaw!

Here’s another older man attempting to convince me to adjust my desires for him:

You sound wonderful but before I go any further, I’m curious why you are on a sight where most men are attached. I am a caring, giving, sensitive mature man that seems to be on the same page with you in every other way. Please respond even if not interested.

I have a number of reasons for being on this site… I can’t say I’m interested. Most of the men on here lead alarmingly dull lives, even those far younger than I am. I move at a fairly fast pace…
Abby

Thanks for responding. Give it some thought as I think you will be very pleasantly surprised. I don’t mean to sound conceited but I may just be what you are looking for. As to your reasons, perhaps you want to share a few with me. As to the age issue, experience in life comes from having been around and learning what pleases one emotionally as well as physically. Take a shot. Incidentally, where do you live? Again, thanks for responding, it makes be believe you are real.

I can assure you I am VERY real. I am also not at all interested. Seriously? You’re 67. And married. How do you figure you could possibly be “what I’m looking for?” I have lived an extremely wild life and have had plenty of experiences, including well over 100 sexual partners, many of whom most definitely knew how to “please me.” Conceited isn’t the word. More like deluded. I appreciate your self-confidence and suggest you use it to find someone closer to your age who is married as well. As a single woman I don’t need to even come CLOSE to compromising. If your photo doesn’t immediately appeal to me, you aren’t over six feet tall, between the ages of 40 and 53, you don’t type out exactly the most perfect words to charm me and motivate me to respond to you, well, what can I say but DELETE!
Forgive my harsh response. I’ve been receiving so many of these emails and find them so appalling that I feel obligated to at least attempt to set men straight. You, of course, are obviously free to also hit “delete.”
Best of luck in your search.
A

And just to prove that I’m not just discriminating against older dudes, I got this email from a 28-year-old attached guy. Wait. He’s TWENTY-EIGHT? And MARRIED? And ALREADY looking to cheat on his wife? Oy fuckin’ vey.

Hello,
This is my first time messaging anybody on this website, your smile drew me right in 🙂 You sound like an extremely fun person to be around! I incredibly enjoyed your profile, it had a real voice to it. While my profile may be lacking I hope to make up for it with this message. I’m 28, live in Manhattan, absolutely love live music and am currently finishing up grad school at Columbia. I’m not here to find just anybody but would rather meet someone who is intelligent enough to articulate their wants, needs and desires. I think communication and chemistry are essential to developing a transcendent connection with someone, even be it brief. I would also like to share some fantasies and fulfill some along the way 🙂
Hope you’re having a wonderful day!

“Bob”

“Bob,”
Thank you for your kind words! I’m flattered that I was the first person you reached out to. However, I have to question, why me?
Your email was very thoughtful and surprisingly well-written. So many people sound illiterate on this site (and others). I appreciate your quest for a transcendent connection and everything that goes along with it. May I suggest you try to find that with someone closer to your age? You mention fantasies…I have years of experience in adult entertainment and intimately understand fetishes, fantasies and sexual desires. Yours may feature an older, mature woman. Unfortunately, mine do NOT feature ME being cast in that role. I don’t want to be anyone’s mom, teacher, best friend’s grandma or anything similarly depressing. Perhaps when you’re older you’ll understand. Of course then you may be one of the sad-sack 67-year-olds emailing me, still, about your fantasies! I certainly hope not!
I’m sure there are quite literally hundreds of women on here eager to be your older woman. I’d bet you’ll have better luck with the married women whose husbands are, perhaps, less able to please them sexually or with less stamina. I’m single, so I can pretty much sleep with whoever I want! Ya know what I’m sayin’?
Anyway, best of luck in your search!
A

I’ll be sure to update you all when and if these guys respond… And yes, I AM, indeed, a totally callous, unfeeling cunt. Better me than you!