Okay, sorry, but OMG! That title just popped into my addled brain! I crack myself up! Now, on to your irregularly scheduled bloggage:
I’ve been trying to become attracted to older men. Trying to envision myself having sex with guys who have grey hair. Or a paunch. Everywhere I go I look around and attempt to imagine a scenario in which I might be successfully seduced by…that guy, over there, with the pleated trousers and receding hairline…or that man, across the way, with the stained tie and frown lines as deep as the Grand Canyon. Or maybe that man in the coffee shop, who looks like his life was over a decade ago. No? No.
I saw a man on the subway who was handsome in a rugged, carpenter sort of way; he had great hands. I could’ve caressed his face, even though most of the youth had been drained from it. And a few days ago a lanky, grey-haired guy walked into the bar and I felt that “zing” you hear tell about. Sadly he wasn’t as moved by me. In fact, I don’t think I even registered on his radar at all. He may have been my age but I’d bet his girlfriend isn’t.
There’s this guy in my extended social circle. Let’s call him Bongo. For some inexplicable reason I hate him. HATE him. He’s about my age, short, somewhat round with lots of white hair. He’s a seriously happy person, always smiling manically. He looks sort of like a garden gnome. I’ve never actually had a conversation with him so I don’t have any rational reason for my hatred. He appears in party photos bare-chested and sweaty and it makes me cringe. I think, “Look at this old man, hanging out with the hot chicks and pretending he’s still in his 20s.” And then I think, “Hmm, I’m sure people say the same thing about me.” Shit.
It didn’t take too much introspection to realize that my hatred of this man — and all saggy older men — is merely self-hatred. I hate that I’m getting old. Older. Er, too old. Or whatever. I hate hate hate it. It doesn’t matter how I look. It doesn’t matter how I feel. When I click 1959 as my year of birth, I’m automatically categorized as a senior citizen. The dating site logarithms match me up with men who look like accounting professors. If I were to actually show up on their doorsteps I’m sure I’d induce coronary arrest!
It was bad enough back in the 80s when the media said a woman over 30 had as much chance of getting married as being struck by lightning. Now my chances of finding romance are somewhere around being struck by lightning, like, a dozen fucking times. I’m sure I’ve said it before but any guy over 50 who has all his hair and can see his cock without the use of a full-length mirror believes he deserves a younger woman. Way younger. Which leaves me at — yes — no cunty for old men. And no cock for cunty. Boo fucking hoo.