Tag Archives: OkCupid

Beautiful Music?

I’ve been doing my best to keep busy and inadvertently made myself a little too busy. On Thursday I had not one but two OKCupid dates. In my effort to remain positive, I’ll say the first man provided me with an exercise in listening. Even though he is retired, he spoke quite a bit about his (former) job. He even uttered the words “When I was in college…” He wasn’t as interesting as he sold himself to be in his profile and there wasn’t any chemistry but I guess he wasn’t…horrible. (How’s that for trying to be positive?) Or a drinker. Which I (perhaps sadly) find to be an obstacle. He is new to the city and will soon discover that bars are our living rooms. Probably even more so since he lives with his daughter and her family. There’s only so far a date can go over one cup of tea. But he professed his desire to “try new things” so I’ll gladly offer him a few — at least of the less alcohol based variety — even though it has been my experience that men who are eager to “try new things” never actually do…

My second date was slightly more interesting than chai and retirement. He had given true spontaneity a shot the night before with an offer to meet for a drink (always a good sign) and if I hadn’t already been in my pajamas in front of “Sons of Anarchy” I might’ve taken him up on that. (Any invitation after 8pm is also good; it means a person has at least a minimal sense of adventure.) When I wasn’t available for the late night cocktail I suggested the following evening and he wondered if I’d be interested in the symphony. Definitely!

IMG_4100I met him at Lincoln Center and engaged in some more “active listening” before the concert began. [Random observation: People talk a lot when they’re nervous. As a result, I have actually become a much better listener.] Our opinions on the musical selections of the evening matched up well. He was wearing a really cool shirt. And afterward he was game for a drink. My choice would’ve been Clark’s for a pint. His choice was Rosa Mexicano for a pomegranate margarita (brrrr) followed by a shot of tequila. He’s a tequila aficionado. Okay. I get that expertise can be attractive. It was an evening full of firsts: I’ve never been to the symphony on a date and I’d never been to the New York Philharmonic. Or Avery Fisher Hall. I can’t remember ever drinking a pomegranate margarita. Or having a shot of fancy tequila — sans (or should I say “sin”?) — a chaser. Especially as a nightcap. Or before a long subway ride home.

Conversation between the music and the margaritas was pleasant. He’s smart and funny. I suppose I wouldn’t mind seeing him again, though the thought of having sex with him isn’t particularly appealing. Perhaps I’ll never find sex appealing again. Sigh.

Sorry, folks. I’m having a bad day. I started this on my phone but the damn app doesn’t appear to be working right or I would’ve posted it on Friday. To continue my “keeping busy” train of thought, I was in a panic because I’d committed to finishing a little piece of writing plus proofreading three pieces by other people, all by yesterday, even though I’d made plans for most of yesterday. And Saturday night. Thankfully some of those plans didn’t come to fruition. Which was a bad thing, actually. Yeah, kinda vaguebooking and I’m not even on Facebook. Anyway. I guess what I’m trying to say is that as bad as I feel right now I’m at least wrapping up this post anyway in an attempt to be productive and remain in motion. Of some sort.

As an addendum, I went to a party Saturday night. I volunteered to work because I’ve become a terrible party goer. I need to be doing something. Though while my costume came out pretty great and I didn’t sit home alone on Valentine’s Day, I can’t say I enjoyed the party. I hated the music. I didn’t really have anyone to talk to. Okay, now I’m really rambling. And sounding pathetic. I think it’s time to go to the gym. I’m gonna hit “publish” just because, in getting back to blogging, I noticed that I would save drafts and never return to them. So even if this shit isn’t Shakespeare, it’s gonna have to do. Ya know? It’s an exercise…

Nose, Meet Grindstone

Well hello, strangers!

IMG_4099Yes it’s been a looooong while since my last post. I found myself feeling so disheartened by all the haters that I couldn’t bring myself to write anymore. But last night I went on (yes, yet another) OKCupid date and the very sweet gentleman succeeded in sorta guilting me into writing again. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, an OKCupid date that I am NOT going to complain about! No, it wasn’t love. But it was enjoyable. He challenged me — on just about everything –in an encouraging, playful way. He made me look at everything I “believe” to be “true” in a new way. Ordinarily I am irritated as hell by people who think they have the answers to all my problems. Everyone seems to be able to clearly see how you can make your life better, even when theirs is hardly a shining example of perfection. And I usually want to punch people in the face when they start with me. Something about this man’s “come from” made me slightly less stabby… Now that I think about it, maybe I can solve his problems: He should consider a career in life coaching. Which, I know, is mostly a joke. I mean, those who can, do…those who can’t, teach…and those who can’t teach become life coaches. Haha. Anyway. I do believe it’s a very specific talent to help people see their lives from a different angle. This guy possesses that talent. He, too, is a writer, a “scribbler,” as he describes himself. I’ve always loved that word and have used it to describe myself as well.

While my life’s problems have not, in fact, been solved, I do feel like it’s about damn time I put my nose back to the grindstone. ANY grindstone. So here I am. I have a lot of pent up stuff to write about. Guess I’d better start composing…and maybe warm up the glue gun…

It’s Not You, It’s Me. Yeah. Me.

Okay, rather than continue to prove (and re-prove) how many of the profiles on OKCupid are fakes, I’m gonna get real. I’m gonna come clean about the sad reality of disappointing dates and awkward interactions. Because it isn’t only OKC’s fault. It’s mine.

Here’s one example of back-and-forthing gone awry:
Him: Aren’t you the bartender ?
Me: Ex bartender.
Him: Yes, I remember you invited interested parties to visit you at your gig. What are you doing now?
Me: Making hats and other costumery. Not much different, just no bar shifts at the moment. And you’re welcome to come watch me craft!
Him: Where do you craft?
Me: In my living room.
Him: Is it that entertaining to watch ?!
Me: No. It was a joke. Sadly, humor doesn’t translate very well online. You asked what I was doing now and I went with “doing” as inviting people to visit me while I’m working.
Him: Which part of the city do u live ?
Me: East Village. Near the bar I’d invited people to.
Him: As interesting a woman as you seem to be , I don’t drink and given the brewskis in your photos it looks like you like to party!
Me: Oh well. Heaven forbid you might get to know me and find out. Your decision.

Aaaaaaand, end of discussion. So why the hell was this guy emailing me to begin with? Those photos with “brewskis” didn’t miraculously appear. They were there from the get-go. I don’t post pictures of myself sitting on my couch NOT drinking. Or in the gym NOT drinking. Mind you, I’m a part-time alcoholic. But still. How horrible would it be to meet “an interesting woman,” if only as friends? Or to meet someone new? Does it NEED to be only for a long-term relationship? Asshole. SOBER asshole.

Here’s another communication fail. My “conversation” was prompted by info in the man’s profile:
Me: I’m up for meeting in person as soon as is reasonable, no endless email exchanges or (horrors!) phone calls or texts. That said, if you’re interested, I’ve now made the first move!
Abby
Him: Hi Abby,
Yeah, you’ve made your move, and I like a determined woman.
However, I have to tell you I’ve seen your profile a while ago and was mostly admiring the costumes and “tattoos”, and in the recent times have just stumbled on your profile over and over again while aimlessly wandering the wildernes that is OK Cupid, therefore I wasn’t actually aiming to contact you.
(Blame it on the tiny thumb avatars – way too small for my tired eyes – under the heading “You might like”…)
I was thinking I may be too “tame” for you, though we will never know that for a fact unless we try it out empirically, so – why not: I’m all for meeting and may have some time towards the end of this week, to be exact Friday night, Saturday during the day (before 5 pm, working the evening) and Sunday.
I’m up in Harlem, but we can meet wherever convenient for you, I like traveling…
Let me know.
D.
Me: D.,
Too tame for you? Meaning what? I managed to be polite and witty through a dinner with a Republican banker from Connecticut. I will assume you’re at least a BIT less “tame” than he was. (Is? He DID assure me that he’d been to Woodstock. Yes, the original Woodstock.) Anyway, yes, no way to know without meeting, though your lack of enthusiasm is a little contagious.
If you think you might actually be serious about meeting me — and as I say on my profile(s), the goal of enjoying each other’s company for an hour or two is lofty enough without worrying about “forever” and all that — get back to me. I haven’t been to the Garage Flea Market (24th/25th between 6th & 7th) so maybe we could stroll through? Grab a coffee before or after?
If any of that (meeting me, aiming for friendship initially, strolling through a flea market, coffee?) appeals, yeah, lemme know! This is decidedly an imperfect “system” but a means to an end, I suppose.
Abby
Him: Hi Abby,
You are spot-on on almost all points above.
Lack of enthusiasm is the right definition for it, though it’s not for you per se. So, I didn’t want to appear to be a creep – visiting your profile multiple times without contacting you – but I ended up being an asshole – telling you “meh – we might as well meet, but only if you insist”. You seem like a nice person and you deserve the right amount of interest. Which I did not show.
In my defense right now, it seems as if I’m in some kind of valley on the OK Cupid “valleys and peaks” path. So you may not believe me when I say “it’s not personal” – how could you? – but it isn’t, it’s just me not being particularly enthusiastic about anything…
And that is a wrong start, period, whether thinking of just now of forever, regardless.
Sorry.
De.
P.S. When I said “tame”, I meant I’m not “plotting activities” all the time and all over the city and/or continent, though I’m not exactly the couch potato. (Woodstock..? I was otherwise engaged at the time, but had replayed it numerous times in my bedroom in the succeeding years, thanks to the triple LP I still have, though not recently…)
Me: Would it be that awful? Honestly? I’m an interesting person.

Honestly? He couldn’t even be bothered to see this through and meet me? And does this mean I should change my profile to say that I essentially sit on my ass waiting for some — ANY — human companionship? Does “planning things” make me so wild that no normal man could possibly imagine himself able to handle the enormous burden of entertaining me? Holy hell.

Yet another fail, on my part, to engage a fellow human. Again, I reached out, based on an interesting profile. What an idiot I am. He said on his profile that he’s in Vermont until April. So I thought I was safe in merely making contact.
Me: Hi there,
I decided not to be dissuaded by your “replies very selectively” rating or the fact that you’re not available for coffee or a beer (or wine, for you, if you prefer) in the (very) near future.
All that said, you sure do sound interesting. Sorry, I’m not usually one to gush but you would make a good TV show. Or Lifetime movie…Perhaps something on the Cooking Channel?
I’m hoping you’re experiencing enough boredom to spend more time than usual on this site and that you will, out of said boredom, respond.
Abby
Him: Good Morning Abby,
Depends on very near future. I am in Brooklyn till Saturday morning. Had to dash back to Brooklyn for a couple of days in between snow storms.
M.
Me: Hmmm, does this mean you’re available for a coffee or beer? [Fuckin’ hussy.]
Him: Shoveling snow at my store right now. No plans for tonight or tomorrow afternoon at the moment. Subject to change. [Sounds positively RIVETING!]
Me: Yeah, no plans for tonight either, with all this “weather.” Let me know if you’d like to make a plan!
Him: Where in New York are you? [I always love this question. Like there’s a right and wrong answer? Friends tell me that people list themselves as living in “New York” when they are, in fact, living in New Jersey. Or worse!So I guess it’s not a completely ridiculous question.]
Me: East Village. [Which, one might’ve assumed, given the “EV” in my screen name. Perhaps not…]
Him: I can hop up there or nearby. I would love to have Chinese at Pings on Mott St.
Me: Tomorrow, perhaps?
Him: Lunch, coffee or hot chocolate?
Me: If you’re craving Ping’s, let’s do that! Hot chocolate for dessert?
Him: More Chinese food than Pings per say. Lunch I would pick a dim sum place.
Me: I’ll leave it up to you. I work for myself so I can do either lunch or dinner. And hot chocolate knows no hour.
[This exchange took place around noon, all in quick succession. When I hadn’t heard back from him by 10pm, I made other plans for lunch.]
Me: Looks like I can only do dinner tomorrow. Let me know if that works for you!
Him: Hey,
Sorry I have plans with my son, Maybe next time I am in town.
M.
Me: Okay.

And that was that. Why bother telling me you’re in town? Then why bother telling me when you’re available? Only to become UN available? Why bother beginning to make plans at all? I guess that was my bad for not keeping me day wide open. Sigh.

Near-misses shouldn’t be anything to get stressed about but when you spend as much time at home, alone, as I have lately, it does have an effect. Sadly. Even worse are the dates I enjoy and the men I never hear from again.

A while back I went on a date with a guy who was super tall and the perfect age (a year or two older…perhaps not “ideal” by my “standards” but certainly “proper”). He showed a more-than-nodding acquaintance with the neighborhood and picked a place. He showed up on time, wearing black jeans and a motorcycle jacket. He suggested fancy cocktails, which were yummy, and ordered a selection of tasty tapas. Then he paid. Thus far, many points accumulated. Next? The invitation to go somewhere for an after dinner beer. Ding-ding! Off we strolled to Manitoba’s. More points. After not one, not two but three beers later (one round of which I insisted upon paying for), he said he needed to get going. We walked down Avenue B till my block and hugged goodbye, with smiles, “that was fun”s and “I’ll be in touch”s. I never heard from him again. Who’s to say it would’ve worked out. But add to all of his particulars that he’s a music producer and in a band. That his last girlfriend (who is deceased, not an “ex”) and I traveled in similar circles. That he gave up his East Village apartment for a family home at the beach (!!!) so, you know, I could offer him a place in the city and he could offer me a place at the beach (!!!). I was envisioning a bright future. But no. Nothing. Not even an invitation to see his band. Ah well.

I don’t post the good dates because, well, I don’t want to risk a guy reading about himself and ruining the chances of romance blooming. Which doesn’t mean I don’t go out and actually enjoy the company of men I meet online. I’ve had a few dates over the past few months that were really fun. The men were smart and engaging, our conversations stimulating and entertaining, the checks chivalrously paid. I’m not sure which is worse, never hearing from someone I was truly interested in seeing again or enjoying myself with a man I can’t imagine sleeping with. Either way, the disappointments have been adding up and I’ve considered retiring from the online dating world. But for now, I will post this and wait for the nasty comments, which have become as emotionally debilitating as the dates themselves.

Aside

There’s no one behind the controls at OKCupid. They don’t seem to care that more than half the profiles are fakes and a good chunk of emails sent are from foreign countries fishing for suckers. Are they waiting for the … Continue reading

A Pretty Face Is Worth Looking a Thousand Times!

Oy vey. OKCupid is getting more and more difficult to parse. Yes, there are sincere, real live humans on there, looking for love (or to get laid). But the ratio of real profiles to fake ones is dwindling. WHY all the men professing to be “God fearing?” WHY so many photos of lakes or beaches or plates of pasta without any questions answered or profile questions filled out? WHY the laughably fake profiles? And most irritatingly, WHY so many fake emails? There’s something oddly poetic about the hilarious sentence structure (or lack thereof) in the missives. Are they computer generated? Written by someone who doesn’t speak (or write…or understand) English? I have no idea what the story is but I can at least appreciate their entertainment value. I received these four in one afternoon:

1.
hello gorgeous how are you doing today and how was your night been,but why did you refuse to reply my message gorgeous……hope to read back from you soon

I didn’t refuse to reply. I’m replying now. To your FAKE profile. You won’t be here in 24 hours. Wanna bet?

ooh that lovely and i will like to tell you a little stuffs about me.I live in Dallas Texas. Have been widowed since 2004, Just haven’t found someone who I would want to spend the rest of my life with so far. I have a son, 17 almost 18 going off to college next year and his name is Samuel (Sam). This time of my life seems to be a much better time to meet people now that my kid is older. When kids are younger it is really difficult to date. Now I can focus on someone and myself. I have a stable job, I work as a contractor and i also work in my own oil and gas company in Spain vent ham and Russia. I enjoy getting outdoors, going to movies, short day trips..and the list goes on. I also do not drink nor smoke,I’m a gentleman who owns his words, who is independent, self-confident, knows his worth, loves God and treats people, and especially women and older people with respect, i am focused, disciplined, playful, fun, sense of humor always and a warrior with a tender heart. I’m widowed and completely unattached and I will like you to feel free in asking me anything you want to know about me, just ask anything i will surely answer all, without leaving a word behind. cause i am open minded and as open as a book. i will be waiting for your next mail, hope you are having a nice weekend…….mata

Fuck off. [WHAT THE FUCK? “Vent ham?” I’ll assume that was supposed to be Viet Nam. Huh. And yes, 24 hours later…gone.]

2.
Hi..how you doing today?i just came across your page and it was nice going thru it which made me to stop by just to say a big HI and it will be a pleasure to know you more if only you wouldn’t mind.
Hope to read from you soon.
Warm regards.
Percy.

Sigh. Another fake email. [Whoever writes these has absolutely NO use for punctuation! Also gone 24 hours later.]

3.
Hi there, How are you doing..? How is the weather treating you..? am indeed so sorry if you think am disturbing you with my message but honestly speaking, your profile said it all about you and there is a saying that says, a pretty face is worth looking a thousand times.. Am new on here looking for my soul-mate, friend, companion, my best friend, someone i can trust, confide in, and show all my love to, I will be so glad to read back from you as i would like and love to get closer to your heart!! Cheers, Hope to read from you, I wait patiently.. Edward.

Fuck off. [Aaaaaand yes, gone within 24 hours.]

4.
I believe signing up for this site is a way of showing you want to start something different and you are not a coward who will be afraid to start a new adventure…..my name is Bob i will like you to take a look at my profile if you find it interesting and you want to know me better…send me a reply…if not good luck in your search….xoxo

I didn’t respond. Why bother? They all disappear and none of them are real. Sigh. Many of these fake messages contain phone numbers and email addresses with a plea from the “writer” to get in touch off the site. I suspect these are scams but have no idea what the endgame might be. No one I know is dumb enough to fall prey to these come-ons and neither am I.

This profile was so hilarious I had to type it out:

My self-summary
i ‘m peter my name am here to have a serious relationship i need who will be with me through out my life and make me happy and also will surely make her happy till rest of her life

What I’m doing with my life
am a hard working man am serious with my work

I’m really good at
am really good to make who i love happy all day AND NITE

The first thing people usually notice about me
many thing like making people happy all day and nite

The six things I could never do without
love who i love make my baby happy

I spend a lot of time thinking about
who i meet her and i will love her till rest of my life

There was one profile that had three “normal” sentences and then nothing but gobbledygook: alkskjfhhffhgfh akhsjdfytaj  djflskhaweythf. Whaaaat? Another had a few somewhat reasonable, if poorly written, sentences with stuff like “I am a man who” and then midway through slipped into “I am a woman who.” Whoops!

All this shit makes me wonder who the hell is minding the store up there at Match.com, OKCupid’s overlords. Any ideas?

Aside

In my never ending quest for romance, I am still, sadly, utilizing online dating sites. Clicking through the Quickmatch option on OKCupid, a certain sameness is discernible. One handsome man’s profile has got to be a fake. The photo looks … Continue reading

GOD DAMN IT! Another rant…

Argh. I’ve been super cranky and out of sorts lately. The fact that there are guys working RIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW right now, like the one SAWING into the brick beneath my window mere FEET from my face doesn’t help. Neither does his singing. I mean, I’m glad he’s enjoying his job but he’s driving me crazy. The scaffolding they’re on has been there since the summer. Possibly before. I’m over it. The additional disturbance of the construction project that has started in the school yard right outside my BEDROOM window also has me on edge. Since it’s, you know, a school yard, they do their work during off hours. Like jackhammering at 9am on a Saturday. Or clanking around after dark. Ugh. That work is scheduled to go on for three years. THREE YEARS. I may lose my mind.

My general disgust with the human race has been exacerbated by the current “controversy” over Rubulad’s theme for next weekend. There’s even an article about it on Jezebel, muckracking for the millenials. Before Halloween this year, a bunch of youngsters made posters protesting the use of their “culture” as a costume. Never mind that anyone who’s been in America since they were born has, more or less, lost their “culture.” It’s just political correctness gone rampant. If I wear green on St. Patrick’s Day, am I ridiculing the Irish? Can I respectfully wear a garland of flowers in my hair and traditional Mexican/Scandinavian/Polynesian garb? Yes, plenty of people wear flowers in their hair. I’ve worn a dirndl. Is that okay? And is it okay only because the culture I’m co-opting is white? More or less okay if it’s actually MY culture? If we were to extrapolate this shit, no one would ever be able to dress as anything. Ever. I call bullshit. But people are outraged. OUTRAGED. Imagine anyone who isn’t of Asian descent putting chopsticks in their hair. Qu’el horreur! What about a fair isle sweater? Is that cool? Or do I need to be from a fucking fair isle? I suppose blue jeans are only okay for blue collar workers. EVERYTHING in this country was co-opted from someone. Including the fucking country. Deal with it. And preferably move forward.

Okay, enough about that shit. My other latest obsession is, no surprise, OKCupid. Since they were bought by Match.com the quality of the men on there has declined significantly. Not that there was a whole lotta quality to start with. Now, instead of a high percentage of quirky, cool-ish singles, I’m confronted by profile after profile of “God fearing” guys. “Easy going” and “laid back” men in search of their “soul mate” or “the one.” Listing God as one of the six things you can’t live without isn’t gonna work for me. And when I let these guys know that I’m not a God person, they seem baffled. Is the site now connected to Christian Mingle as well? Holy crap!

And while I’m on a tear, here’s a list of my top 10 deal-breakers. I know some of these are repeat complaints but I can’t help myself!
1. Photos of your motorcycle. Ditto on your sports car. I don’t give a shit how you get around town. And your mid-life crisis-mobile is embarrassing.
2. Photos of your kids. Let me get to know your offspring once I’ve gotten to know you, m’kay? Worse? A photo of you with your kids with their faces all blurred out. Creepy. Which leads me to…
3. Photos of you with someone blurred, blocked, scrawled over or cut out. Don’t post pix that are evidence of previous failures. Just don’t.
4. Photos of you in the bathroom. I don’t want to see your toilet. Blech.
5. Repeat pix. If you only have one photo, sure, that’s weak and perhaps you should get a few more. But posting the same photo four times doesn’t help much.
6. Nothin’ but selfies. Dude. Don’t you have ANY friends? Sure, one selfie. Six? No. No no no.
7. Lists of all the horrible qualities you don’t want. Nobody wants drama or baggage or anything else awful. But you’re over 40 and alone. So how about being a little more positive? Instead of proving to potential dates precisely why you’re still single. Ditto on divulging all the details on your divorce. That’s for, like, date #10. Or maybe #20.
8. Maybe take a few minutes to fill out the profile? No need to write a novel but more than a dozen words might give all us strangers just a tiny idea of who you are, what you’re looking for, what you enjoy, something? Anything? However, you can refrain from calling yourself “handsome,” “good looking” or “attractive.” I’ll be the judge of that, thankyouverymuch.
9. It’s pointless, I know, but PROOFREAD YOUR FUCKING PROFILE. Oh. And don’t use ALL CAPS. Ask a friend, “Are the commas in the right place?” DO YOU EVEN CARE? I suppose not… And lastly
10. No photo/photos of scenery/blurry photos/misleading photos/photos of you when you were 25. What the motherfuck? If we’re gonna meet in person, it will be immediately apparent that you’re bald. Or fat. Or not 6’2″. Or FUCKING 25! Just show your face. It’s not rocket science.