Tag Archives: OkCupid

Happy Almost End of the Year

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday, whatever you celebrated! I was in Paris with my family. Not as amazing as it sounds…since it was quite a bit of togetherness and absolutely zero time to myself. But…it was Paris! So it was beautiful. And unseasonably warm. And free!

Now that I’m back in NYC, I’m poised to sign the paperwork to buy the bar. Last night was the one-year fall-aversary that set this whole thing into motion. A few days into 2016 will be one year since he died. And the only bright spot is this bar. Because his death lit a fire under my ass that should’ve been blazing a long, long time ago.

Once things start moving, they’re gonna move quickly. At least I hope they do! I’ll be taking a bartending course. Yes, to learn how to make drinks that I will then refuse to make people. Guffaw. But also to better educate myself in general. I will continue to interview my bar owning and bar managing and bartending friends. And I will be decorating and buying and ordering and inventing. It is going to be grueling and scary and exciting and I can’t wait! It will also mean that I’ll be super busy, too busy to bother with online dating. I’ll probably keep my Tinder account because it’s silly. And can offer opportunities to invite people to the bar. But OKCupid? It’s gonna have to go. For posterity, I’m posting my current profile. It’s about as big a turn-off as it’s possible to be with an online profile. But, well, there ya have it.

So stay tuned for more news about the bar. And here is who I was on OKCupid:

NEW EDIT
Okay. I’m gonna try this one more time. As I’ve written below, chemistry is elusive. I am only interested in meeting in social situations. No dates. I’m over it. Small talk? Hate it. Dates are like job interviews. They’re boring. Do NOT mistake this as me being “fearful.” Far from it. The only thing I’m afraid of is being bored. I suppose you all think you’re riveting. Maybe you are. And IF you are, hanging out with me in a bar will only showcase your ability to intrigue. I go to a weekly happy hour where new people and out of towners are the usual. It happens in different bars (and different neighborhoods) every week. If the prospect of meeting a FEW new people, as well as me, sounds horrible to you, we probably wouldn’t be a good match. Perhaps you won’t find ME riveting. Then you’ll have a bunch of other people to meet who might be. If you have something similar to offer me, I would be super game! Anyway…now that I’ve alienated every man in America…read on if you’re the one who I haven’t offended…
END NEW EDIT

Please be open to MEETING and the possibility of being FRIENDS. Finding that elusive “chemistry” is rare. But I can honestly say that every man I’ve “befriended” on this site now has a far more exciting and interesting life than he did before meeting me. If you don’t believe that, I’d be happy to connect you for an honest conversation. Who doesn’t want to expand their social circle? The chances of finding romance online aren’t the best. Meeting new people will always result in meeting MORE new people. Meaning, if you and I don’t “click” perhaps you might with a friend of mine. Or I will with a friend of yours. It’s a big world. If that sounds appealing to you, please read on!

A very close friend died this year and it has made me reevaluate. I am not desperate, just determined. If you can’t meet up within a week of us contacting each other, please don’t bother. Life is too fucking short. I’m tired of this site and I’ve never been a fan of dating.

So there you have it. Let’s meet, figure out if we want to fuck each other and take it from there, shall we? Seriously. That’s about all it boils down to.

It doesn’t matter a damn what music you like or what you read. You’ll be on your side of the bed reading what you read and I’ll be on my side of the bed reading what I read. I’ll listen to whatever the hell you want to listen to. Food? Whatever. It’s sustenance, not an art form. For me, anyway. Happy to consume your art form if that’s your thing. Happier to consume your thing. Haha!

Anyway, none of you read this shit. You look at the photo, think, “Yeah, I’d fuck that,” and you click. I wish it were as simple for women. It’s more simple when I’m less sober. So let’s see who responds to THIS version of my “profile.”

What I’m doing with my life
Apparently, online dating. Still. I do all sorts of things with my life, all of them interesting. I usually have a dozen projects in the works at any one time and make money doing a number of different things.

Oh. And three months a year I’m out in the Black Rock Desert working for
Burning Man. It’s a pretty great job!

I’m really good at
Writing. Costuming. Millinery – making hats, tiaras, crowns. Managing the Sign Shop out at that thing in the desert. Remembering all the lyrics. Event production. Graphic design. Listening. Cleaning. Brunching. Finding the bargains at the flea market. All kindsa stuff.
The first things people usually notice about me
My smile. And that I’m tall. People seem to like my hair. You tell me!
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: Lots.
Movies: Old stuff? Clockwork Orange & It’s a Wonderful Life. New stuff? Ummmm…
Shows: like TV? I don’t have a regular TV anymore so I binge watch: Downton Abbey, Walking Dead, Breaking Bad.
Music: Shit you can sing along to. Mostly.
Food: Aw, stuff ‘n’ things…and Mexican food. And ice cream. I’ve never met a chocolate chip cookie I didn’t like…
Truly, this stuff is the kind of thing that’s fun to find out when you’re first getting to know someone. Don’t you like discovering?
The six things I could never do without
Hmmm, how to fill in this blank? Be clever? Literal? List more than six and be all, “Ooooh, I’m such a renegade!” I am often reaching for seltzer (lemon-lime) or my phone (Words with Friends…I’m an addict). My friends. My family. My health. Something to look forward to. (I’m not one to sit at home and wait for people to call me, so I’m always planning something.)
I spend a lot of time thinking about
whether or not online dating will ever work for me. I’m really a brick & mortar type person, who prefers to hear and smell and get a live, in person vibe. So if I’m insistent upon meeting in person (as opposed to volleying endless emails, talking on the phone or “chatting”) be patient with me. It’s just the way I’m wired.
On a typical Friday night I am
doing something fun! Going to a party, dinner with friends, having people over, making something. There’s nothing all that typical about my life, really. However, weekends are sort of amateur hour, especially in my ‘hood, so I tend to avoid the local bars and restaurants.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
There’s nothing all that private. In fact, if you Googled me, you’d find just about everything.
You should message me if
You’re tired of being bored on dates, being single at your friends’ dinner parties, being alone on those nights when you don’t feel inspired to go out but would like some company…well, you get the picture. You just should! I’m an avid responder.
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Bloody Mary Research & KTHXBI OKC

I had a date the other night. It was pretty great. He was tall, handsome, funny and interesting. I’d like to see him again.

Natasha and I spent yesterday afternoon doing Bloody Mary research. We started at Vasac’s aka Horseshoe Bar. They were $11, a bit too spicy and came with celery, lemon, lime and a pickle slice. We had to tolerate a dozen different football games on a dozen different flat-screen TVs and a bar full of people there to watch the sports ball. Next was Manitoba’s, where the price was $11 again. I think the bartender forgot to add the hot sauce because they were a little bland. She put a bit of Clamato in and I almost fell off my barstool. What if I hadn’t been paying attention and had a shellfish allergy? Anaphylactic shock alert! It was too thin; I prefer my bloodies to be more substantial. But she was very accommodating and gave us the ingredients to add “to taste,” including celery. The only garnish was a lemon wedge. (“This ain’t the Ritz,” she said. True enough!) Two pretty normal-sized TVs were showing the Jets vs Giants game and only one dude seemed actually interested in watching. From there we stumbled downtown to Mama’s, where there was a huge pull-down screen showing the Jets/Giants game. The price there was $8 and the drinks were delicious: thicker, spicy but not too spicy and garnished with celery, lemon and lime. Last we bumbled to Double Down. Natasha is a fan of the bacon vodka but I prefer the regular. Jenn served up our drinks at $11 each but it was happy hour so we got a second one free. By then we’d had enough bloodies and opted for beers. And need I say that there was no sports ball on in the bar? Take away: You can charge $11-$12 for a Bloody Mary on Avenue B! Asking the bartenders, and googling the drink, one should not order one after the sun goes down. And four of them — even spaced out over a couple of hours — is too many! Urp. I was passed out by 8pm!

Oh. And one last “negative” post about OKCupid. I think it may be time to quit online dating. It’s been five years and I haven’t had much success. Instead of wasting time making fun of those guys I need to channel my energy into the new business. Which sorta ties in with this weird exchange. It’s a long one but I want to know: Is this guy some sort of schizophrenic? (Scroll all the way to the bottom for the weirdest part of it all…’cause most of it is pretty dull. Just odd and dull. I don’t know why I kept trying to “salvage” the conversation. Sigh.)
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Just a wild guess , American Trash no not my opinion of you silly, where the first photo of you behind the bar was taken

Nope. Double Down.

LOL was I close ?

Geographically?

That and in regards to atmosphere
I applaud your self confidence as well as your sense of humor
3 of the utmost of admirable traits

I think I’ve only been to American Trash once. But if dive bar is the atmosphere, then yes!

Hey , don’t ever knock dive bars to me

My favorite.

They are as American ( really they began in England) as Apple pie
I lived in CBGBs
great gildersleeves
Mudd club

And now? Baldwin? [He lives in Baldwin, NY.]

Palladium. Ritz
Academy. Bottom
Line,Rosalind , Bonds
LOL now your knocking
Baldwin
So you are in Alphabet City
“Shut up and drink ” LOL

Not knocking anyplace. Just wondering.

That was joke , your a New Yorker and a bar keep I am sure you did not think I was serious
I am John
it’s my pleasure to type to you

Oh, sorry. It is difficult to discern humor via email…
I’m Abby
And not a barkeep quite yet.
It’s my next career.

Abby
Please tell me you are not currently at work

Now? No.

OK I hope I am not interrupting you ??

Only sorta. I’m at a friend’s.

Fuck me , Please forgive me
Go pretend to be enthralled with their presence
LOL “If your in the crown tonight, have a drink on me, Go easy , step lightly , and stay free” !!!!
Talk to you later

Uh, okay! Lemme know if you’d like to meet for a drink!

Meet , I full expect you to buy me back at least one
So you are not tending bar at Double Down , where would one find you ?

I’m buying my own bar. I can let you know when that happens. But if you’d like to meet sooner, we can pick a place!

Wait , are you seriously contemplating investing your life in a bar ?
I have bar owning in my DNA going back 6 generations

Yes. It will be by New Year’s Day.
What? Really? Wow!

OK the first thing I will tell you, in hopes you at the very least consider my suggestions, and to earn your trust

Yes?

I can promise you that no one in your family or anyone very close to you has ever own their own business , least of all a bar in Manhattan

If you’re gonna try and talk me out of it, please don’t.
You’re right. No one in my family has ever owned a bar business.

OK If you just look at what you just sent me !!! You need to immediately I mean from this second on , change everything you have ever thought or know. My first example of this is how you reacted to what I said to you. Your mind was made up that I was going to attempt to talk you out of it, which in fact IS THE DIRECT OPPOSITE OF WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO

Oh.Ok. Can we meet in person and talk? Cause this is really not the best way to communicate.

I honestly prefer to talk here first, because I have a very long list of those I have helped and continue to help and to be honest my time is limited I very much would love nothing more than for you to not only obtain your bar but to see you prosper

Well, thank you. I’m pretty far along in the process. And bar or no bar, if you aren’t interested in meeting, mum, why bother? I know a lot of people who own bars and have been interviewing them for years… Not to be rude or dismissive but, again, this is an imperfect mode of communication. Especially with a stranger. No nuance. Happy to speak on the phone (which I’m usually reluctant to do prior to meeting) if you’d like. Just not right this minute.

I said earlier , I fully expected to meet. Did you not get my message ? That aside , I am sure you are well past the due diligence stage, you have received all the documents in regards to any liens and back taxes, you have formed a LLC and you have the Liquor Authority’s assurance as to the prior business establishment’s owner and his outstanding bills

Yes
And yes, I saw that you did want to meet. And I think this conversation would be easier (and not while I’m with friends) when we meet in person.

If you admit that you saw that I wanted to meet you , which you just did, why would you say this ? And bar or no bar, if you aren’t interested in meeting, mum, why bother? I am curious why you would completely contradict yourself in what you obviously see is from my point of view , perplexing at the very least ?

I’m sorry. I’m watching a movie AND talking with my friends. Which is why I suggested we talk at another time.
You said your time is limited. I took that as a brush off.
Anyway, another time?

another time

Hey John! When would you like to meet up? I’m free on Thursday.
So? Did you lose interest? No worries, if so. Just wanted to hear your bar advice. Going to see the space I’ve pretty much decided on tonight. Wheeeeee!

Let me know how it goes !
Best of luck to you

Thank you for the polite brush off. Best of luck to you as well.

LOL WOW , I am never wrong when I want to be, and this is one of the times I want so badly to be wrong
You have an enormous amount of baggage , far too much to carry if you intend to start , run and expand a profitable business

What baggage? How do you know? We’ve never even met. Or spoken. Wow. Nice job ruling me out without even a conversation.

LOL You just proved my point !!! I never at any time ruled you out
I don’t need anything more than a photo of your face to know you

You said I have too much baggage to run a business. I took that to mean “ruled me out” as a successful business. And saying you only need a photo of my face to know me is the most ludicrous thing I’ve ever heard.
You can stop email me now. Because I’m blocking you.
Bye!

And Now We Return You To Your Regularly Scheduled Programming…

In remembrance on World AIDS Day. Happy Giving Tuesday. Happy Wear a Dress Day. And Happy 60th Anniversary of Rosa Parks refusing to give up her bus seat. Oh. And RABBIT RABBIT!

Yes-Vember is over. I promise not to devolve into a downward spiral of depression. Because I am hard at work starting a bar business. Yes, that’s my next career. I should’ve done it 30 years ago; it would’ve saved me from being fired from all those jobs! But, well, those stars weren’t quite aligned. Now they are. So stay tuned. Until that happens, I will continue to regale you with my hilarious tales of online dating. I may also regale you with tales of putting together a bar business because I have a feeling that will be fairly riveting! And because it’s Giving Tuesday!

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A Few of My Profile Photos

Over the past month, while I was being positive and full of sunshine and unicorns, the online dating world didn’t change a bit. Here are a few of the more appalling interactions I’ve had. Marianne can’t understand why I respond to these guys. I do it for you, my dear readers! In the name of entertainment! All are presented as written: typos, crappy punctuation and all:

From _Tonester_:, who sounds like a totally arrogant douche:
Wow, that profile is pretty fucking exceptional. What’s your story?
Thanks for the note but I’m Upstate indefinitely both caring for my ill sister and enjoying the quiet to write a complex screenplay.
Ok, well you might want to change your location so no one else bothers you!
Maybe it’s something I say just to get rid of people. /Blocked
Huh. Wow. Okay.

From AlmostTooMuch, an overly-muscular 32-year-old:
hello there
Hi.
how are you doing?
shy?
Shy? Hardly. Just not really interested in anyone so much younger.
is that a defense mechanism?
nervous about what you will tangle with?
Oh please. Spare me. I’ve tangled with far wilder than you. And younger. Just not into it right now.
Sorry.
younger isn’t a particular virtue. neither is wilder. ever tangled with bigger?
I’ve had sex with well over 100 people. I’m sure I’ve had far bigger than you, too.
oh? are you? we can bet 🙂
Dude. Bigger isn’t a particular virtue either. I’m not interested.
you know that you would rather have bigger than smaller and you would rather be stretched than sheltered
Sheltered? Seriously? Sheltered from what? Some guy who thinks his cock is god’s gift to women? No thanks.
i never said that. sheltered isn’t a good thing, and my cock can cause discomfort..
I don’t know about your cock but your personality is causing me discomfort.
my personality? it’s benign. i ease into things…. 😉
Well you won’t be easing into THIS thing! But thanks for providing me with a couple laughs. Blocking you. Bye!

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BEHOLD this HUNK OF MAN!

From, apparently, Michael Chabon, above:
You’re obviously a bright, perhaps very bright, woman and the first photo shows that you’re attractive but you fuck it up with those other lunatic shots…and you’re mistaken, some people do read the entire commentary.
Ah…one more point. You’ve said you’re an “avid responded.” [stet…what I say is “avid responder.”] Not necessary; I have a suspicion that you could bite the nuts off a brass monkey.
Uh. Okay. Well if you don’t like my photos, you needn’t have email me at all. Bad day? Needed to criticize a stranger? Have a great week!
You missed the point, or I didn’t express it clearly. What I tried to convey is that your commentary is very cool, beguiling…and the first photo shows an attractive woman but the others show a clown.

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Here’s the shot he thought was “so weird.”

I remember seeing one of them (you had it as the first shot) every time I signed on to look at messages. It was so weird that I never bothered to even click on the profile. It’s a very cool commentary, and suggests a very cool lady.
A cool lady? With photos of a clown? Does it matter that a few of the photos are of me onstage? [And one where I am, actually, a CLOWN! See above.] That I don’t look like that in my day to day life? Might you have kept that to yourself? And then to tell me not to bother responding? What’s the point of communicating if it’s only one way?
Babe, listen…no one knows they’re of you on stage and no one is going to give a rats ass. You’re a pretty woman, obviously not frightened of her own sexuality, and the commentary you produced is far more compelling then [stet] the stupid banalities that represent 99% of the garbage in here. I simply believe that the following photos act to vitiate all that precedes them.
So…I just saw that you’re 5’10″…supposing I meet you wearing elevator shoes…or stilts.
Cody
You would know if you read the captions. As for giving a rat’s ass…well, if one is interested in another, one might, actually, give that rat’s ass. What about the last photo? No makeup. Plain. Or the second one? Still too clowny?
The last one is also attractive but the 2nd one is not.
You live in Manhattan?
Yes, I do live in Manhattan.
You do drugs, think nuclear war might be exciting, and have no problem cutting some lunatic that shoots his bolt that way. Swell.
I have no doubt…none…zero…that you would be the greatest sexual partner on the planet if I could stop laughing long enough to test it.
Well, that isn’t going to happen. I’m not the least bit attracted to you. Now YOU don’t need to respond because one second after I hit Send I will be hitting Block. Because you sound like a real prick.
Bye!

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Photo as shown on OKC. Apparently h e doesn’t know how to edit photos.

From r21056:
That picture makes you no justice
Which one? And how would you know if you haven’t met me in person?
Download the Bible song You Beautiful I know that
The ones with the goggles on your beautiful I know that
What the hell are you talking about?
Sorry if I offended you
Go away
Should you take me away
Bye.
you know that pretty
Look like a fool with f***** glasses
Blocking you. Bye. Again.
No let me block you stupid
Oh, I’m beautiful until I reject you? Asshole.

From SOXFOX2004:
[In response to his saying that he won’t communicate with anyone who uses emoticons.] Aw, c’mon, there are instances when an emoticon is perfect!
Not in a New York minute! ; )
How was that oyster/cashew/burnt blood orange/boysenberry stuffing anyway?
I didn’t care for it. But I liked the traditional one!
So are you really 5’5″?
No actually 6’2″ but I try to avoid intimidating Okers.
How sweet that you had to lower the bar and explain what millinery is. I could chide you about your alcoholism, but it might just be more fun to meet and fuck you.
So are you just bored and looking to take our some aggression?

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Can’t you just feel the excitement? The THRILL of dating this dude?

From artimesboy [boy? really? At 59?]:
My good friend Benny made me a sizable bet that your personality is not as stunning as your looks. Of course, I strongly disagreed but he is insisting confirmation by phone or a brief meeting. 
Help me win the bet and put Benny in his place.
E***
Hi E***,
Happy to help you win that bet!
I’ll be at a bar/club called Meridian tomorrow night. Come meet me there!
Abby
PS Will Benny be coming with you or is he gonna just take your word? Heh.
I’ll surprise you. What time will you be at bar? It would be better to meet during a band break.
I’ll be there early, before the bands start, like 6.
So, um, is this a date? Or just an audition of sorts? Because I’ll be there with friends.
Sounds like we should figure another place and time where it’s just the two of us. Perhaps in Midtown on Thursday night.
I would actually prefer meeting you and Benny Wednesday. The more social an outing, the better chances of everyone having a good time!
I really really don’t like dates…
Sounds like your fearful. I’ll pass. By the way, Benny is a dog.
Oh. Hah! Benny is a VERY good friend, then. The best. As they say.
Fearful? Hardly. Just tired of spending so much time on dates. If you’d like to meet me AND a couple other interesting people too, which I think is a much better idea, let me know. You’ll never know whether my personality is any match for my photos!

 

The Lifeguard

I’m sure if you’ve been reading this blog you believe that all my dates are complete failures, that I’m incapable of finding enough common ground for an actual relationship. Or a second date. That may be mostly true. And I’m certainly guilty of only posting my most disastrous dates, wrought with angst and, ideally, hilarity.

But there are, occasionally, success stories. There was the awesome guy I made out with a few years back. Then he invited me over for dinner. Sadly that ended with Bin Laden being discovered in a bunker. CNN is definitely not an aphrodisiac! Well, almost one year ago I experienced my best OKCupid date ever. I was afraid to write about it because, well, I didn’t want to jink things, I guess. It’s been long enough. Without further ado, I give you “The Lifeguard.”

My sister booked an oceanfront condo for a family reunion, of sorts. Not the whole family, just a few select adults. I arrived at LAX before anyone else and picked up the rental car. OKCupid had just debuted their new feature, in an attempt to compete with Tinder, that lets you peruse matches “Nearby.” By the time I got to Santa Monica, 150 guys had checked out my profile. I scrolled through the faces and saw one that looked dazzling. I read his deets, which included that he was an LA County lifeguard.

“Hi! I’m staying at the beach this week,” I wrote. “Which lifeguard stand are you working? Maybe I could go out in front and flounder around.” After a few adorable emails back and forth, including one that wondered if he was, indeed, worth floundering for, we made plans to meet for a beer. He had somewhat apologizing for not being “much of a fashion statement,” in his sandals and shorts but…um…LIFEGUARD! And, uh, 6’4″?!? No need to add super good-looking. Or being the team doctor for the LA Derby Dolls! Soon I was sitting across from him on a barstool, sipping a Stella on the Santa Monica Pier.

He was smart and funny, easy to talk to and, did I say, handsome as hell? And TALL? We had a couple beers and he walked me back to my condo. A gentlemanly hug and a quick kiss goodnight left me most definitely wanting more. He followed up our first date an hour later with an email: “Mind was adrift as I thought of this feathery 5’10” woman that I just met. So much so that I did not notice the bike path taking a turn to the left…according to the two people that watched me do a face plant into the sand… That was the most fabulous, delicious way to end a day of work at the beach that I can remember in a long, long time. Thank you.”

I was in LA for seven days and saw him four times. I rode my bike down to Marina Del Rey and met him for lunch. On my last night we met for a drink. But one evening mid-week he suggested we walk through the Venice canals. I’d never seen them and thought that sounded…romantic. He picked me up in his red convertible 450SL (uh, yeah, like my favorite car EVER) and then we strolled the narrow sidewalks, over tiny bridges, holding hands. When we got back to his apartment, he closed the door and said, “Take off your clothes. ” Um, excuse me? He was unfolding his massage table. “You went for a 40 mile bike ride today. Wouldn’t you like a massage?” I left my panties on…

So. Yeah. Best seduction I’ve experienced in decades.

After my week in Santa Monica I headed up to Marin and then on to Gerlach for my summer job with Burning Man. The Lifeguard and I were texting and emailing and playing Words with Friends. Then one day…nothing. I sadly figured he’d met someone. “Maybe he got hit by lightning,” my mom said. What? No one ever gets hit by lightning in LA. My sister said the same thing. Then my friend said it too. “There was a big storm in LA.” I passed it off as an impossibility. Besides, he’d been in Maine, visiting his sister. Then, when a friend asked if I’d heard from him and I hung my head, she told me to tag a picture of a sunset or something to let him know I was thinking about him. “I hate it when people do that,” I said, but thought, hmmm, Facebook… We’d become “friends.” I went to his Facebook page and saw stuff like “Trying to get through to your hospital room” and “Saying a prayer for you!”

I texted him: “I saw on your Facebook page that you’re in the hospital. Are you okay?” In minutes I received a response: “This is his sister. He’s getting stronger every day. I’ll pass along your message.” I’d thought he was still in Maine so it didn’t surprise me that his sister responded for him. But I was worried.

A few days later he texted me. He WAS hit by lightning! A freak storm had descended upon Venice Beach and he was one of 13 people affected by the lightning strike. A 20-year-old guy had died. And, actually, so had The Lifeguard. He was out for a full 12 minutes! But it apparently wasn’t his time to go because a cardiac specialist had been on the beach, right where lifeguards had dragged his body, and that doctor didn’t give up on him. He was still in the hospital and had some recovering to do, but he was alive!

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We kept in touch through the summer. I even sent him a shot of myself getting “zapped” by a big piece of art! Leave it to me to meet a really great guy and he gets hit by lightning! Stay tuned for Part Deux.

Addendum

So yeah, my OKCupid account has been “fixed,” as their email alerted me. Not like it was “broken.” They were just being OKStupid. As an addendum, I wrote to them in response to this line in their correspondence with me: “We also make sure that everybody using OkC for event stuff is actually a legitimate OkC/Match.com partner (it’s a safety/legitimacy thing) which I hope you understand.”
Well, thank you for reinstating my account.

And for the record, I applied, via your web site, TWICE to be a host for your “events.” Being a cranky old lady, it makes me even crankier that ALL the events are for young people. I probably don’t need to point out to you (since I’m assuming you are “young” and NOT anywhere near MY age) that “young” people don’t need events to meet each other. They meet each other ALL THE TIME! Those of us over 50, however, DO need “events” because most people have given up and don’t ever leave the damn house.

Anyway. Back to sorting out the scammers from the real humans on your site.
Thanks again!

And ya gotta love the “safety/legitimacy” bit. Guffaw. As though any event is more “safe” than another. Or “legitimate.” I am tempted to show up at their offices and present myself as their newest event producer. “Here I am! Ready to go to work creating exciting events for people who aren’t fucking 30!” I mean seriously…

Vindicated!

Ah, the sweet taste of victory! Coupled with the influence of righteous indignation! The power-mad millenials at OKCupid have seen the error of their ways and reinstated my account. After they accused me of soliciting, I continued the dialogue, pointing our how ridiculous that accusation was. Here’s how it unfolded after my previous post:

What am I soliciting?

“I’m producing an event on Feb. 17 that I think you might enjoy. It isn’t a singles’ party (or a couples’ party) but there are components that I think will be appealing to people who are “seeking.” Even if they aren’t sure what, exactly…
I hope you can make it!
Abby “

Etc etc.

You cannot be serious. The events I produce are happy hours and live performances. I’d be happy to show you my Facebook events. “Seeking” means many things to different people. Clearly the person who reported me wishes he were receiving invitations to something a bit more exciting.
Whatever.
I waste so much time reporting fake profiles on your site it isn’t even worth it. You people should be paying more attention to actual scammers and less to idiots who don’t know what they’re talking about. My sex party days are FAR behind me. I’m 56 fucking years old, fer crissakes. FIFTY SIX YEARS OLD! Even Annie Sprinkle has moved on. Wow.

I am not saying you are a scammer, and I am not being judgey at all, but the rules we have to enforce for everybody say:

“Unique and bona fide profile
You agree to create only one unique profile. In addition, in order to maintain the integrity of the Website, by joining, you agree that your use of the Website shall be for bona fide relationship-seeking purposes (for example, you may not use the Website solely to compile a report of compatible singles in your area, or to write a school research paper). “

Really, what you were doing isn’t dating – And people (a LOT of people reported you as a scammer) – So they would complain if we didn’t ban you as well. We also make sure that everybody using OkC for event stuff is actually a legitimate OkC/Match.com partner (it’s a safety/legitimacy thing) which I hope you understand. If you want to use OkC to date, seek people for friends etc then you are welcome to – But stick with craiglist etc. for advertising events, please?

Advertising events?
I ask people I meet on OKC if they are interested in joining me for events, some I produce and/or promote, others I attend. I invited one guy to a fundraiser for the Lower East Side Girls Club. Is that against the rules? What about a fundraiser for Figment? If I’m producing it?
I’m about as far from a scammer as it’s possible to be. A real human, actually interested in meeting people, as friends — at the very least. I’ve met friends on here. Go read my emails.
There is nothing I’d like more than to meet someone and fall in love. I have three friends who I helped with their profiles on OKC and they eventually married. Three success stories. I sure wish I was one. Being 56 and single sucks more than I can describe. I’m sure you cannot begin to relate.
But if you seriously believe I have been using your site for the sole purpose of — well, whatever you think I’m using it for — then by all means, ban me. However, you could not be more wrong.
There was a time when I produced two weekly events. For seven years! Fetish parties, rock parties, sex parties. As I said, those days are far behind me. I now co-produce a few events annually: Night of a Thousand Stevies, a Stevie Nicks tribute night; Ghostlight, a Halloween Eve fundraiser for HOWL Help; and the Figment fundraiser. I get paid for two of the three, minimally. I also help organize weekly happy hours for the Burning Man community. I don’t get paid for this work. I am often hired to emcee events, most recently the third birthday bash for Batala NYC, an all female Brazilian style drum group.
Hardly Heidi Fleiss. If that reference even means anything to you.
One man I met on OKC is helping the House of Yes with their build out. We’ve been friends for a few years now. His life is more interesting now than it was before he met me…a different sort of success story. I’ve invited a lot of guys to a lot of things. It’s sad that any of them would call me a scammer for those invitations. Really sad. And I’m sure they have sad little lives. Thankfully, I don’t. So I’ll be fine without OKCupid.
And I’ll say it one more time.
You are wrong.
So, dear readers, that’s how the situation unfolded. They’ve seen fit to let me back into their cesspool of dick pix and scammers. Oh hooray! Over the seven years as a “member,” I’ve been booted off twice now. I’ve dealt with so many scammers I can’t count them. (I initially posted on here about the illiterate men on OKC but those weren’t potential suitors, they were scammers, looking to coax me out of cash. HILARIOUS!) Though I’ve met a few men whose company I enjoyed, not many were willing to cultivate an ongoing friendship. I can’t really see much benefit from the site; I’m not one to go begging for free meals…not my style. I think I’ve had about one for each year…each time insisted upon by my date. I’ve even paid for my own coffee on a number of occasions. The sole reason for remaining a “member” is to continue regaling you with my hysterical tales of dating disasters. So I guess I’ll keep on “soliciting” and see what happens! And I’ll be sure to “advertise my events” on Craiglist. Guffaw.

Booted Off Of OKCupid…Again

Apologies (again) for my absence. It’s been a busy month! Hopefully happy news soon. I felt compelled to post today, despite the craziness, because I’ve been booted off of OKCupid. Again!

The first time it happened I wasn’t given a reason. They never even responded to my emails asking why. I forged on, created a new profile, figuring perhaps posting party invites to strangers had pissed someone off. This time, however, I sent an email asking why I’d gotten the boot and received a response:

Hi Abby,
I have reviewed your profile and unfortunately you have been banned. I’m very sorry, but solicitation of any sort is a violation of our usership policy. Thank you for your continued interest in OKCupid, but the decision to ban you is irreversible.
Yours truly,
Emilia

Um. SOLICITING? For what? Sex? Isn’t that the whole point of online dating? Okay, being serious now. I was most definitely not soliciting. Anything. Because, believe me, if I were, they’d know it. I don’t do anything vaguely. Here’s my profile, as it stood at last edit:

Please be open to MEETING and the possibility of being FRIENDS. Finding that elusive “chemistry” is rare. But I can honestly say that every man I’ve “befriended” on this site now has a far more exciting and interesting life than he did before meeting me. If you don’t believe that, I’d be happy to connect you for an honest conversation. Who doesn’t want to expand their social circle? The chances of finding romance online aren’t the best. Meeting new people will always result in meeting MORE new people. Meaning, if you and I don’t “click” perhaps you might with a friend of mine. Or I will with a friend of yours. It’s a big world. If that sounds appealing to you, please read on!

A very close friend died recently and it has made me reevaluate. I am not desperate, just determined. If you can’t meet up within a week of us contacting each other, please don’t bother. Life is too fucking short. I’m tired of this site and I’ve never been a fan of dating.

So there you have it. Let’s meet, figure out of we want to fuck each other and take it from there, shall we? Seriously. That’s about all it boils down to.

It doesn’t matter a damn what music you like or what you read. You’ll be on your side of the bed reading what you read and I’ll be on my side of the bed reading what I read. I’ll listen to whatever the hell you want to listen to. Food? Whatever. It’s sustenance, not an art form. For me, anyway. Happy to consume your art form, if that’s your thing. Happier to consume your thing. Haha!

Anyway, none of you read this shit. You look at the photo, think, “Yeah, I’d fuck that,” and you click. I wish it were as simple for women. It’s more simple when I’m less sober. So let’s see who responds to THIS version of my “profile.”

The rest of the profile is pretty much the same as it’s been for ages. After six long years of receiving dick pix and “I’d fuck that”s, between the big bellies and bigger egos, selfies with dirty toilets in the background and dudes who couldn’t spell their way out of a paper bag, not to mention the hundreds — HUNDREDS — of scammers and fake profiles and total wastes of time, I’m embarrassed that I was even still on the damn site. Well, now I’m not. Because some asshat decided I was “soliciting.”

That is not only fucking hilarious, it is decidedly uninformed. Hey OKCupid! Here’s what soliciting looks like:

“Hi, my name is Abby. I’m 55 years old (almost 56). My flesh is hanging off my bones like wet laundry. My wrinkles are deep enough for you to white water raft through. I can count the number of times I’ve gotten laid in the last five years on one hand. I really don’t have much of a libido anymore and the thought of sucking some dude’s cock makes me want to retch. Ready to pay me for my sexual services? I’m having a big sale this week! Hurry, my time is running out!”*

Aside from the fact that “soliciting” is illegal, my profile’s verbiage made no mention of money. However, here are a few links to women who are offering their companionship for cash. Since you’re running a dating site and not an escort site, perhaps you need to learn the difference.
Slixa
Eros
Oymotherfuckingvey!

* Oh, and bee-tee-dubs, that paragraph up there is satire. It is NOT intended to be taken seriously as solicitation. Not that any rightminded person would…