Tag Archives: May December

Cougars and Encroachers

Well I’ve finally figured out why so many young men are contacting me: “Extreme Cougar Wives.” I saw a preview of the TLC special on Nightline. I feel an increase of youngsters cruising my profile coming. I have a feeling they want to turn it into a “Real Cougars of NYC” or some such shit. On HuffingtonPost you can watch a clip of Jude (53) and her partner Kevin (21). The show follows three couples. The women are 53, 65 and 76 and their men range from 21 to 28.

I gotta say, I’m feeling a bit torn about this. Part of what is making this show so sensational is the May-December age gap. Have you ever seen a TLC special about men who marry women less than half their age? I didn’t think so. It’s embarrassing that it’s such a big deal. But from the preview I saw, that 76-year-old woman is a little…creepy. I admire Hattie’s verve and her youthful approach to life. I would never deny her — or anyone — what they enjoy. But the juxtaposition of her decidedly elderly appearance and that of her very young lover is jarring, to say the least. I’ve hesitated to meet for drinks — and possibly wind up in bed — with guys half my age because I shudder at the idea of my saggy flesh pressed against their firm…flesh. Mind you, it has happened. But not what I would call deliberately. More like drunkenly. Does it matter?

Unfortunately I don’t get TLC so I can’t watch the show. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to post this in time for you to watch. [I didn’t.] ButI’ll certainly try to Hulu it or whatever tomorrow.

And speaking of “old,” I’m watching “The Good Wife” and Stockard Channing is supposed to be Juliana Marguilies’s mom. I’ll just say that Hollywood women have all so altered their faces that NO ONE can play anyone’s mom anymore! Harumph!

In other news, I spent this afternoon with a charming “older” gentleman, a guy I’d contacted online once or twice. I was notified that he was “Local” by the OKCupid app and since he lives in Oakland, I emailed him to see if he was, indeed, visiting. Our getting together was somewhat spontaneous. We strolled through the garage flea market, visited Leo Villareal’s “Buckyball” in Madison Square Park and ogled the amazing merchandise at ABC Carpet and Home. When we parted, I’d expected a kiss, a real kiss, since he’d been encroaching upon my space all day, a proclivity he’d not only admitted to but discussed. Alas, he went for a peck on my cheek instead. I walked away wondering if that was a tactic to inspire more passion. And perhaps more action if we were to meet again. I’m not sure if it worked that way or not. At least if we do meet again, and if there is more passion, I won’t have to worry about being the wrinklier one!

Blocking Body Shots

So. Really. Are there a million younger guys out there just chomping at the bit to chomp on older women’s bits? I have been fending off men half my age for weeks now.

If only men who are actually my age were so eager. In a perverse paradox of online seduction, old men want younger women and young men want older women. The problem with this upside-down dynamic is that sometimes old dudes marry blushing trophy brides. The converse is rarely true. Not that I’d want that. Ack.

What do I make of Metro 2010? He’s 31:
Ok… so I’ll have to charm you:) Those lips look mighty kissable…:)
How many shots before I have you naked in my bed kissing every inch of you?
Sorry but that body and eyes have me mesmerized. I wanna see you in that bikini up close:)
I wanna hear that voice. I bet it’s so sexy. I’d worship that body:) massage, kissing, licking, all of it!:)
i wanna do some body shots off of u mmm

And beyond what to make of him, why did I encourage him? I must’ve told him 10 times — well, every time I responded to his overtures — to visit me at the bar. Where I guess there actually might be a chance of him doing body shots off of me!

I spent 18 transatlantic hours chatting with a 21-year-old in Bristol about my tattoos, my marriage and what I look for in a guy. I’d say I was imparting wisdom but that’s hardly the case. I hardly imparted anything!
Which of your tats is your favourite?
When did you get your 1st tat?
What made you decide to get one?
May i ask why it ended?
Did you feel liberated when it did?
What kind of men are attractive to you?

We weren’t exactly discussing thermo dynamics. At least there was no chance of him showing up to, you know, do body shots off of me. Okay, I gotta go disappoint another youngster, this time from LA; he claims he could “get me to like him.” Uh-huh. To what fucking end?

Age. Ranging.

Richard, a 67-year-old, contacted me: intimidating you seem to me, as probably am I. where in NYC are you? What do you edit? or does your moniker misrepresent. My exhibitionism is limited to swimming and springboard diving. 
may I please hear from you? 

His profile was interesting enough, though he lives outside the city. And, you know, he’s 67. I responded: I don’t find you intimidating. Perhaps a bit beyond my age range. And I have no exhibitionist tendencies. 
Happy to meet for coffee or a beer but no possibilities of romance. [And don’t think for one second I didn’t consider making a Yoda wisecrack!]

He quickly wrote back with: can’t dispute Abby, sorry. Which made me feel bad. I told him there was no need to apologize, it was all good. But… Is it better to just meet every guy? I mean, EVERY guy? Even if there’s no chance of romance? It seems like a waste. I’m ready to be proven wrong about low “match” percentages or photos that don’t immediately appeal to me or even men who don’t have a grasp of grammar. Or spelling. But when someone is so much older than me that I’d find myself worrying about them dropping dead on a date, well… What could I have done differently?

I noticed an intriguing photo — a guy with his dog — so I emailed him: Ack. Yeah I’m way outside your age range. And I could barely read your profile cause I was blinded by that awesome shot of you and your dog. Blah blah blah email me if you feel inspired. After a few back and forths, during which he told me he’d met me, years before, back in 1993, I got the smackdown: Unfortunately, You are a wee bit outside my age range. But I remember you as stunningly groovy, if that counts for anything : )

Oof. Guess I’ve gotta be able to take what I dish out. I was gonna reply with something along the lines of “Just FYI, my last boyfriend was younger than you,” but that would’ve sounded creepy cougar-ish. Instead, I slunk away, my tail between my legs: I suppose it does. Oh well. Thanks for responding. And he shot back: Good luck in your search! Ack. That’s my see-ya-later line!

Somehow, in my head, I’ve managed to convince myself that while there’s a staggering age gap between me, at 53, and some 63-year-old retired dude who lives in the ‘burbs, I haven’t had as much success finding difficulty with the span between me — still vibrant and active and living in the big city — and guys in a similar situation who are 10 years or so younger than me. I regularly turn down 20-somethings (and, truth be told, 30-somethings) because I do think that’s a bit too much of a difference. The question is, how many years are too many years? I hate to get caught up in the numbers game and I suppose there are as many mature young guys as there are immature old guys. It all really comes down to mutual attraction and mutual interests, both of which transcend age. But those are tough to discern when you’re reduced to an online profile that telegraphs how old  you are before any other information.

Headless in Manhattan

I dreamt I was giving Alec Baldwin a blowjob. This was weird for a couple reasons, the first being that I’m not much of an Alec Baldwin fan. I find him to be a bit bloated, both literally and figuratively, though I did appreciate his defense of Words with Friends. What made the dream more peculiar is that I haven’t given anyone a blowjob in a long time. Which is sad.

I’ve always been a big fan of the blowjob and fancied myself quite the professional. In fact, I have been complimented many times on my oral expertise. I prided myself on my technique, perfected over years of experience. Listen to me, speaking in the past tense!

Over the last few years I’ve had sex exactly seven times. Which is, frankly, pathetic. Of those seven encounters, only one entailed any remotely blowjob-like activity and that was unfortunately brief. From what I gathered in the (mostly drunken) moment, my partner was more interested in intercourse. Ah, so much for foreplay.

Blowjobs have always been the perfect one-night-stand sex, primarily because they are, to me, less intimate than intercourse. I can even keep my clothes on! Plus it’s gratifying to give someone an effortless orgasm. All he’s gotta do is stand there. Or lie there. (Lay there?) I certainly miss intimacy. But I also miss the adventure of picking up on someone and sucking his cock. Sigh.

I’d like to get back into the swing of meaningless sex but not too many guys are hanging out in bars hitting on 50-somethings. (Though last night I did manage to wind up making out with a random man…in a bar! I’ll credit Irene with offering up a few drops of her magic elixir, witch-crafted by Dori Midnight.) Mostly because there aren’t too many 50-something men in bars. At least the bars I go to. And though the idea of picking up on younger men may sound appealing, all I can think of is those horrifying “granny porn” movies, where wrinkly old ladies are being plowed by youthful porn studs. I don’t wanna be the wrinkly one! Even the word “mature” has taken on a new meaning: OLD. Yeah, I know, I AM! But I hate being referred to as “mature.” It’s a euphemism that’s more accurately a backhanded compliment. Besides, I’ve never really considered myself mature.

Anyway. So my goal is to give more blowjobs. Or at least one. I suppose one is a good place to start. Stay tuned. [And in an unrelated aside, why is WordPress suggesting that I tag this post with “Wrigley Field” and “Comcast SportsNet Chicago”? Hrmmm…]

May-December Mugging-Date

A story from NearSay, swiped (almost verbatim) from The LowDownNY (byline Ed Litvak), reports [and I am just pulling Mr. Litvak’s whole article, fully quoted]:

“Police are looking for a man who stole a wallet and iphone from a woman during a blind date on the Lower East Side.  It happened Friday, March 9. The woman, 50, spent some time with her date (who she met online) at Lucky Jack’s on Orchard Street.  She only noticed her personal belongings missing after leaving the man at the 2nd Avenue/East Houston subway station. It’s unclear exactly when and where the theft occurred.
Police believe the suspect is 25-30 years old.  He’s about 6’1″, 165 pounds and went by the name “Hayden.”  If you have any information about this crime, call Crimestoppers at 800-577-tips.”

Okay, I’m not here to comment on the ethics of online journalism. But I would like to point out that the woman was 50 and her iPhone-swiping date was 25-30. I can hear many readers saying, “Cougar bitch got what she deserved! Dating a dude half her age? Pfft!” She’s actually too old to be a cougar (as am I), since the term was coined for 30- to 40-somethings preying upon men fewer than 10 years their junior. Anyway, it is one of the many reasons I’m reluctant to date men who are considerably younger. Aside from the notch in the belt aspect or check that off my who-I’ve-fucked list (Asian chick? Black chick? Older woman? Woman over 50?), both of which fall under the oddities and experiences umbrella, there’s the fear of becoming a victim. Not being paranoid by nature, my mind wouldn’t have gone to “I’ll get robbed!” but, well, here’s real-life evidence that it’s a possibility. And they only had a few drinks together. Imagine if she’d taken him home. He might’ve walked off with even more. And since, well, let’s be honest, the main reason a 50-year-old woman would make a date with a 25-year-old guy would most likely be for an athletic romp between the sheets, the chances of the woman inviting him home weren’t exactly inconceivable.

Obviously any woman (or man) who invites a stranger into their home runs the risk of getting ripped off. It’s yet another peril of blind dating. Add in the whole May-December dynamic and, given that society considers it scandalous — particularly when the May is the man and the  woman,December — and a younger guy may be right in believing he has some sort of upper hand.

I’ve said I don’t want to be some kid’s punch line. I feel there’s less a chance of that happening if I were to meet a younger guy in person: in a bar or at a party. Planning to meet someone from an online dating site when there are a could of decades between us just doesn’t sound…smart. Of course, it’s working for at least one friend of mine. She has her sex delivered, hot and fast, just like a pizza. [wink] And that’s all it is: hot, fast sex. They don’t have much to talk about since, well, what does a 22-year-old have to say to someone twice his age? The few times I’ve wound up in bed with a guy that much younger, I was shitfaced drunk and not much in the mood for conversation. Which leads me back to not being completely opposed to a May-December hook-up of my own. Just not via OKCupid.  It’d be nice to have a young man charm the pants off of me. But you can be sure I’ll keep a close eye on my iPhone!

I Forgot to Have a Family!

The flip side of being an aging single woman, with all its hand-wringing and mirror-hating, is being an aging single man. Yes, many let themselves go and surrender to pleated pants and the oft-accompanying paunch. And some enter a sort of Peter Pan limbo, where they continue to age yet refuse to grow up. Some men are only emotionally single, preferring to stay in loveless marriages for fear of becoming one more elderly bachelor who washes his socks in the sink and eats frozen dinners. But the men who manage to hold onto their looks — and that elusive vibrance — can live the life of Riley. Or Dorian Grey. Witness Hugh Hefner, the ever-shining example of a man who continues to get the hot young babes even into his final days. If he actually has final days.

In this instance, as in so many others, men seem to be the luckier gender. While a single woman may face her twilight years by becoming a cliché — collecting cats, wearing caftans, generally sliding into “kookiness” or merely becoming invisible — a man may face his mortality by deciding to have children. I’ve communicated with more than one 50-something man who mentions in his profile a desire to start a family. Whatever your opinion on May-December relationships, you can’t change the fact that time marches on, regardless of one’s perception of — or distance from — death. I mean, it is a process. First the guy needs to meet a woman. They need to conduct some sort of courtship, however brief it may be. Then they get married. Or just pregnant. By now he’s at least a year older. Which means that he’ll be 69 years old when his first child (or first of his second set) graduates from high school. And that’s the most optimistic scenario.

If a woman wakes up one day and suddenly remembers to reproduce, it may be too late; she can only get pregnant while still fertile (modern day medical miracles notwithstanding). But men can impregnate at almost any age. So. There’s yet another segment of the single male population that is out of play: over-the-hill dudes who just realized they want to be daddies.

How to Offend an “Older Woman” #1

If you’ve been following my blog because you find my dating (mis) adventures either heartwarming or hilarious, I don’t want to let you down and leave you in an expanding puddle of…porn. Here’s one of my latest, an “almost” date.

I’ve been receiving many cyber-passes from younger men (younger men meaning mostly 20-somethings) and decided that maybe I should give one a go. (Or at least a date.) So when 22-year-old “D” contacted me on OKCupid, I thought, what the hell? His initial email:

Although you’re perhaps looking for older guys, I just want to say that I think you’re exceedingly cute and intriguing. 
That is all. 🙂

After a few emails back and forth, we switched to texting:

Hi Abby! Yes, let’s meet up. I’ll be coming into Penn Station, [odd, since his profile says he’s in New York, NY]  but I could come down to the East Village. Are there any restaurants you fancy? I could find one, though I’m not the NYC native!)

There are so many! Do you have a preference? Atmosphere? Cuisine? Gimme a ballpark idea and I’ll pick a place!

Well, I do rather like Thai and Indian food, if I have to choose (although I’m not picky). On the other hand, a nice dimly lit romantic restaurant would be nice ; )

I prefer Thai. [Notice how I sidestepped the whole “romantic restaurant” thing? Why encourage it?] There are a bunch! Cafetasia on Avenue A between 5th & 6th has a nice atmosphere.

That could work, although, for a rather silly reason, I might prefer somewhere else. (A few of my friends live at 6th and Avenue A so I’m sort of paranoid of seeing them on our date!)

Yeah okay well on second thought? Nevermind.

On second thought what?

On second thought, no thank you. Not interested.

Um, okay….

Clearly he had NO idea why I blew him off. Sheesh, kids! So I sent him an email to let him know and perhaps help him avoid offending other “older women”:

D,
Just an FYI: In the future, when you’re attempting to “charm” an “older woman,” you might not want to mention that you don’t want to be seen with her.
Just sayin’.
A

Can you believe it was actually necessary for me to point out why his innocent remark might’ve been so hurtful? What was I thinking, making a date to meet someone less than half my age? I had no delusions about the possibility of a relationship and absolutely no intention of sleeping with the guy. Ever. I don’t want to be anyone’s punch line! Was I only going out of sheer curiosity? Or for the free meal? I don’t even know. But I probably won’t be too eager to make another date with anyone quite so young. Sigh…