Tag Archives: married men

Caring for the Elderly…

…even when they won’t give up! I’ve made it pretty clear in both my online profiles that I’m not interested in older men. I haven’t dated anyone older since before I got my driver’s license. I’m simply not attracted to older men, now especially, when “older” is practically synonymous with white-haired, paunchy and boring as hell. My warning off of these men doesn’t always work; hope springs eternal where there’s Viagra to help other things spring. I probably shouldn’t even respond to these old men and their cyberpasses but I can’t help myself. I believe it’s polite to reply, doing unto others as I’d have done to me. OR in their cases, not done to me… Here are a few of my recent online encounters with older men:

Subject: and now for something completely different

Dear Jade
The saying goes that a cynic is a frustrated optimist. I guess that fits particularly well here. You say you will be surprised if I can show you something new. But to me every woman is a completely new experience. Kissing is different, often even at different times with the same woman. Making love is certainly different, if you are paying any attention at all. Every woman wants to be touched in different ways and is excited by different things. And is not always in the mood for the same thing. That’s one of the wonderful things about making love. It’s never the same. Of course I can’t guarantee to provide you with that zing we are both seeking. It might be there…. Only one way to find out. Please read my profile and then get in touch and we can see about making you simply an optimist.
Bob”

Hello “Bob,”
Thank you for your kind note. I read your profile and you sound like a lovely man. However, I can’t imagine the two of us together in any way. You are free to google me: EditrixAbby (check Facebook), read my blog (www.editrixabby.wordpress.com) or my web site (www.editrixabby.com). It will be pretty obvious what kind of life I lead. And though you say in your profile that you’re looking to see different places and do different things, I somehow can’t envision you spending three months in the Nevada desert working for Burning Man. It’s getting depressing seeing how many men out there (in here?) are so unhappily married. I’m not sure which is sadder, the 60+ men such as yourself, when one would hope to have found someone to get old with, or the 20-somethings who are already miserable and looking to cheat. It’s all a pretty discouraging situation… I wish you the very best in your search.
Abby

Subject: Thank you for responding
Dear Jade,
Thanks for your kind response. There is so much incredible rudeness in these on-line dating sites. I always respond to anyone who contacts me, even if to try to politely say no thanks. I read some of your blog at EditrixAbby. I found it both hilarious, the way you send up the men, and sad. Here is what tiny wisdom I have. Emphasis on tiny. I left my wife for awhile. It made my kids and family miserable. My kids are the most important thing in the world. Also, my dating experiences on websites for singles were awful. So I went back. Things were better for awhile, but the basic problems remain. I’m often lonely and unhappy and like you, I don’t know what I want. So I look for sex to make me feel better. Is that a good solution? No. Does that make me a good person? No. Have I actually hooked up with any on this site? No. So why do I keep at it? Humans are not totally rational, are we. And the need for connection is strong and sex is one of life’s wonders. Life is not simple. People find themselves in situations that are not easy to leave. There is lots of unhappiness in the world. And they try to find some small pleasure. Yes, many people are self-absorbed jerks. You didn’t need to come here to discover that, but it may be more on display here. This is after all a website for men and women who want to cheat. So why be surprised to find that. You sound like me in that there are things driving you that you don’t understand. I’m sure wise folk would tell both of us that the route to happiness is through self understanding and that you can’t love another if you don’t love yourself.
Best in your search.
Bob”

Subject:  right, friends first, then lovers
Dear Jade,
Wanted to make one more comment. Like you, all my significant relationships came from being friends first and then falling in love. Seems the right way to go about it. Means there is some real basis to the attraction and some hope of it lasting for awhile. So if a real connection is what you are looking for why waste your time on this site? You may have some fun making fun, but you won’t find anything really worth much. Of course you could ask me the same question…. And I would refer you to my previous message.
Best,
Bob”

I’m on thus site for the same reasons I do many things: I’m an experience junkie and everything makes good blog fodder. My relationships have not been friends first. The last three were one night stands that became more. I have, literally, hundreds of friends. I meet new people often and easily. This site is merely another avenue. Though you do seem intelligent and thoughtful, both rarities on here, I don’t think we would ever be friends. Our lives are far too different. I appreciate your candid thoughts and opinions and hope you find happiness.
Abby

Subject: fond farewell
Jade,
Ah, you and I agree on so many things. We agree that we are not likely lovers or even friends. We agree that nice in this context is an insult. And we agree that no means no.
I wrote back to your first clear rejection because you were so polite about it and that is rare in this space so I wanted to acknowledge it and thank you.
And I wrote back because you invited me to view your web presence, which I did. And a few things I read there prompted me to respond, one human to another. You say many contradictory things, much makes you no different than the rest of us. Some of them touched me. You invited me in to that space. I thought it polite to comment. Just to be clear, I was not still trying to convince you how winning I am. Here, clearly, I’m not.
Enjoy,
Bob”

___________________

Very impressive web search
you are hot stuff and
i like it, ooh! ooh! pick me, plz! 

Hey there!
I am older, not younger, no fooling. We marginally match according to statisitcs, but I found no one that I would fit as well as with you. I am the Peter Pan, the mid summer’s night dream, the residdent from New Orleand, Austin and SF. Yes, I did live all over, love to be dressed up, tall and what I would like to do to you that you would enjoy if I catch you. You are getting older, so the body may not be so forgiving, but we could hit the all night and after hours places or just stay home and party. I used to own spots in flea markets, like brunches and nearly everything you do, I like also. I did fly planes and I do go boating, go naked on the beach and so much more.
Can you enjoy a older guy who is sincere and honest, fun and real active and would appreciate you on the inside and out and every contradiction. Lets visit and maybe even live on different continents. Vist Australia or South Pole? Tahitiaand Bora Bora.
Tempted? Now you know how I feel.

Hi,
Yes, I can probably enjoy an older guy. Whether or not I can have sex with you is a whole other story. Attraction and chemistry doesn’t follow logic, unfortunately. Or I suppose no one would be single.
I’d be happy to have lunch or whatever…and see what happens. But please don’t expect anything!
A

I never expect anything and sometimes surprised by what I do get. Sounds different, but the fun is in the play and the exploration of someone, sometimes more than the act of intercourse itself, like the guy cupping your breasts.
I once gave a woman an orgasm by foot massage and it was a first date with all our clothes on. So one never knows.
Btw, I got this after perusing your web and blog sites and after I sent the second message. Oops! Your are extraordinary, not for the sexual antics, but the open and honest adult communication without and inhibitions. I did standup comedy and always had to bite my tongue. Maybe I can get to bite yours.
Meet me with no expectations and no agenda, maybe even go for a bike ride, laugh and be spontaneous. You may decide that I can keep up. OMG, can I be a match?

I think I’m gonna have to say no. I’m sorry. I just can’t deal right now.
Too much unbridled enthusiasm based on my web presence is not a good thing. It is definitely not who I am in person.
Sorry.
A

Sorry, about the exuberance. Was about your writing styles, not about your topics or your web presence. Guess you mis-read, but that is okay as we are not always in a good place all the time. I found the idea that your contradictions were appealing, especially the quiet private time, just two out for a picnic but your capability to dress for a holiday. I am like this all the time, so I wish you luck and if you ever want to just meet for a bite to eat and find out whom I am, that is fine.

___________________

Hello Alla:
You had a very nice profile and I hope we would both enjoy meeting each other. I’m seeking a woman that is cool, laid-back, relaxed yet adventurous. I’m secure, bright and witty, with a sense of humor, so hopefully we will talk and laugh a lot together. It also seems we are both lovers of life, with an edge.
I am a 56 year old Harlemite, a fledgling entrepreneur and socially active. I founded a small charity sending medical equipment to third world countries; I belong to several Chivalric Orders (knighthoods) and I ran some formal balls; yet I managed punk bands in the late 70’s. Even though I’m a cis-male, I am very queer friendly.On the kink side, I am Dom, though I do like a little pain.
I enjoy riding, painting and cooking; in fact few things give me greater pleasure than preparing dinner for someone I care about. I read to distraction and like going to museums (I make a good tour guide). I have been known to sing in public and I often wear kilts, so I hope that won’t scare you off.
Perhaps we can chat soon.
Sincerely yours,
Evan” 

Hello, “Evan,”

Who is Alla? Not me. My name is Abby.
I appreciate your fact-filled email. Unfortunately I’m just not interested. I haven’t had much luck with love on this site and lately haven’t felt motivated to go on any more dates. It’s simply not a “normal” dynamic and not how I interact — and successfully get to know — people. On the kink side, I’m neither a domme or a sub, really, but am really not even kinky. So I’m not up for experiencing OR inflicting any pain…
Wearing kilts would NEVER scare me off, as I’m sure you’re aware if you’ve researched me at all…and certainly if you didn’t think your “kink” wouldn’t scare me off. Hah.
I’m sure you are all those wonderful things you’ve listed and more but I just don’t have the bandwidth anymore…
Best of luck in your search!
Abby 


I mis-typed, so sorry Abby. Thank you for the kindest rejection letter, I have ever received. I thought it delightful.
Sincerely,
Evan” 

And still more from the recipient of my most brutal blow-off email ever:

Date:  Apr 29th – 10:26pm
From:  david9105
Subject:  you
Extremely curious about you and would love to learn more about you and what you are looking for. Your profile says a lot but I suspect there is a lot more. How do I find you?

Date:  Apr 30th – 8:43am
From:  david9105
Subject:  RE: RE: you
Still wondering, but will be patient.

Date:  May 2nd – 6:42pm
From:  david9105
Subject:  you
Shall I give up?

Date:  May 2nd – 11:59pm
From:  Jaded-est
Subject:  RE: you
I don’t know how many more times you’d like me to tell you I’m not interested before you give up. I can continue to reject you if that’s what you enjoy.
A

Date:  May 3rd – 12:06am
From:  david9105
Subject:  RE: RE: you
Sorry I missed it. It would not have worked anyway.I just reread your profile and did not realize certain things about you. 

Date:  May 3rd – 12:40am
From:  Jaded-est
Subject:  RE: RE: RE: you
Like what, that I said I don’t date older guys?
Date:  May 3rd – 12:51am
From:  david9105
Subject:  older men
Didn’t realize that you were so obstinate about younger men. Also didn’t realize tat you were a little taller than I was interested in. 

Date:  May 3rd – 1:17am
From:  Jaded-est
Subject:  RE: older men
Hahahahahahahahah! 

Date:  May 4th – 1:12am
From:  david9105
Subject:  youuuuuuuuu
Glad you have a good sense of humor. We may not be for each other but you can still tell me a few things about yourself. We could always be friends.
Signed, The rejected old man.
 

Date:  May 5th – 11:58pm
From:  david9105

Subject:  youuuuuuuuu
How are you?

Wow. You’ve really gotta hand it to this guy. He just keeps swingin’!









Friday’s Cognitive Dissonance

It began at lunch with the last of the married men in my marathon. I was prepared to be underwhelmed, the jaded cynic in me, perhaps. Instead I found myself on the verge of tears more than once, as The Poet posed personal questions. He observed that I was extremely guarded and spent time in pursuit of the “real me.” It was an interesting and emotional conversation.

But back to the dissonance. Here I was having lunch with a lovely man — polite, attractive, successful, engaging — who bragged about his honor student daughter and wonderful wife. But he wasn’t completely perfect. Because if I’d asked him back to my apartment he most likely would’ve agreed in an instant. And instantly become a cheater. Ah, perhaps not so lovely. But I kinda knew the circumstances going in. Which had me puzzling, in between sharing our life stories, whether good people can be bad.

By the time The Poet helped me to my door with an unwieldy package, met by the barking foster dogs, I was in a rush to prepare for my early evening plans. I had less than an hour to get ready, which included changing out of my Garanimals-like afternoon ensemble and into something more suitably punk rock. Once I’d applied heavier eye makeup and shrugged on my motocycle jacket, I dashed out the door to meet my friend Rob and his girlfriend at Joe’s Pub for “DanceNOW [NYC] Presents Alley of the Dolls, This is not a sequel.” The show was a bizarre mélange of performance art and dance, comedy and song, and a poke at show business, all loosely in homage to “Valley of the Dolls.” It had a sassy retro Sixties tang.

When the performance wrapped, we jumped into Rob’s truck and headed to Williamsburg for a chihuahua wedding. You heard right. The “puptials” of Rev. Jen Jr. and Taco took place in the spacious outdoor garden of Lucky Dog bar on Bedford Ave. The proud parents of the bride and groom, Reverend Jen Miller and Holly Waggytail DeRito (yes, the grande dame of the agency I foster dogs for) held the happy couple in their arms and read their dogs’ vows, with Faceboy officiating the ceremony. As one might assume, the festivities were attended by quite a colorful cast of characters, including photographer Alex Colby and his pretty Penthouse Managing Editor wife Christine, comic artist and dessert blogger Abby Denson, Carmen Mofongo, my Balloon Chain co-worker and Lucky Dog bartender Moonshine Shorey, and armloads of adorable dogs. Moonshine had the night off because he was on his way to his gig with Jugger Nut at C Squat. Which was where Rob, his girlfriend and I were headed next!

Approaching the block we knew immediately where the show was; the shitfaced  dirtbag lying on the sidewalk, slurring obscenities, made it a giveaway. I slid in the door and stood aside. Everyone was in an agitated state about the sidewalk scene. A droopy-eyed, stringy-haired hippy was telling the dreadlocked dude running the door, “I don’t know the guy, man. I mean, he’s not a friend of mine. I picked him up in Asheville but I gotta watch his back. He’s my homeboy.” Meanwhile, the guy is still rolling around on the sidewalk with everyone screaming at him to get up, get out, move on.

I paid my five bucks, got my hand Sharpied and waited for Rob and his girlfriend. They slipped in and handed me a 24-ounce PBR. Cracking up, I crowed, “I just became the hottest old broad in the building!” A guy nodded in agreement and said, “Yeah, you did!” We made our way toward the noise, stepping over half-passed out gutterpunks and straggly hangers-on. A small balcony overlooked a basement with walls covered in graffiti. Our timing was perfect; kids were shoving equipment around the stage in anticipation of Jugger Nut.

The room was like a scene from a movie: Sweaty kids were milling around, an old man was perched on a chair, hipsters were photographing each other with the cell phones. It was an impressive collection of nightcrawlers. And because I never go anywhere without running into someone I know, I bumped into Nicola.

Before I’d had a chance to finish my 24-ounce, the band came onstage in a cacophony of keyboards, drums, guitars and feedback. After a bit of ear abuse, the music was actually quite good! People were nodding and dancing or ducking for cover. My friend Moonshine isn’t a musician, he’s an adjunct to the band, a six-foot-plus performance artist of sorts, his painted face and voodoo accoutrements augmented by blood and chicken feet. He stalked into the pit and the parted.

I’m not sure I could ever find the right words to properly describe the scene and how it actually felt. It was like being in a time warp. Like being beamed back to the 80s. The floor was slimy with beer and a bedraggled chick in nothing but boots and a silver sequin miniskirt kept slipping in it. The crowd thrashed in the pit, slamming into each other just like the old days. The whole place smelled like sweat and cigarette smoke and beer. It was fuckin’ awesome!

The show lasted just the right amount of time and as the room cleared I couldn’t contain my excitement. “The underground lives!” I kept saying with a huge smile on my face. I couldn’t believe it! I was so invigorated I couldn’t just go home and go to sleep, so I strolled through Tompkins Square Park to Double Down. It was packed with too many irritating people but I wound up at the far end of the bar chatting with an interesting couple. He was in a heavy metal t-shirt and she looked like she maybe watched too much “Jersey Shore.” But we commiserated about the East Village asshole invasion and, astonishingly, Burning Man! He was leaving the next day for India. Sometimes life is full of surprises!

Anyway, I stumbled to the deli for a turkey sandwich which I didn’t remember eating the next morning as I marveled over my day of dissonance: the enjoyable Poet, dance show at Joe’s Pub, the chihuahua wedding, the C Squat Jugger Nut slamfest and the pleasant company over my nightcap at Double Down. It was an amazing dozen hours!

Nice Guys…

So during my somewhat short-lived Married Man Marathon last week, I’d have to say that everyone I met was very nice. Nice is a strange word. A non-committal sort of word. The one guy I had planned on meeting but didn’t considered himself a “good guy” or whatever, but yet, there he is looking to cheat on his wife. I got into an argument the other night with a friend who called all the men on Ashley Madison douche bags, simply because, well, they’re on Ashley Madison. It’s painting many men, with almost as many motivations, with one pretty sloppy paintbrush. I’ll venture that the larger percentage of men on there are douche bags. A thousand faceless penises can’t be wrong! But there are some guys whose hearts are in the right places, even if they’re looking to put there penises in the wrong ones.

Probably my most enjoyable date was with “Mike,” who traveled a considerable distance to meet me for lunch. We hung out and chatted long after we’d finished eating and he even accompanied me on an errand, eventually helping me to my door, where my two current foster dogs barked up such a storm that he ran off with his tail between his legs. Okay, that’s not quite accurate but it sure rolled off my tongue…er, fingertips!

Seriously, “Mike” had sent me a long series of thoughtful, well written emails, not the least of which contained the tear-inducing poem I’d mentioned a few posts ago. [See below.] Our conversation centered around our motivations for being on the site and “Mike” asked me questions no one else ever has. He wondered what makes me happy, what I’m really looking for, and he genuinely seemed interested. I had a very difficult time answering and I told him, admitting out loud for what may have been the first time ever, that I don’t know what I really want, and I don’t know if it’s because I’m afraid I’ll never get it or I’m afraid to even think about it…either way, I’m never been able to even get in touch with what I really, really want. It was both an intellectually and emotionally stimulating afternoon.

Since that meeting I’ve been asking myself those questions. I’ve also been feeling quite agitated. I’m not sure if the two are related. I certainly hope not. Because if they are, I’d better get in touch with what I want soon before I chase away all my friends!

In the midst of last week’s marathon — and my meals with other male friends — I went on a real date, a date with a single guy, someone I was pretty excited to meet. And I had an amazing time. The afternoon turned into evening, there were beers, his best friend and making out in a bar. Pretty perfect. Good enough to make a second date! He actually made a cameo appearance in my Saturday night; as he put it, he “parachuted in,” and we agreed it didn’t count as a second date. That was Sunday night. A delicious home-cooked meal at his place followed by more conversation and making out. I’ll save my sexual neuroses for another post but I will say I enjoyed myself, even if I kept my clothes on. Our evening ended watching the news of Bin Laden’s death on TV, sharing the historical  moment, before I headed for the subway home.

Oh my…this post is rambling a bit. I told you I was out of sorts! Anyway, what I’ve been trying to tell you about is nice guys. My past 10 days have been blessed with the companionship of — and meals with — nice men. They show me why I could never make a practice of seeing guys for “grocery dates” just as I never was able to pull off being a pro domme. Either I like you or I don’t; if I don’t, I’m pretty terrible at faking it, even for food. Or cash. Which then puts me in the position of thinking a bit harder about my motivations for being on Ashley Madison. Or even OkCupid. I know what I want. And I don’t know that I’ll ever find it online.

Here’s the lovely poem from “Mike”:

The faces of Abby
Are so many they seem
Expressions fantastic
Each costume a scene

The vamp and the pirate
The southwestern lace
In satin and leather
Her lovely tanned face

Celebrations, parades
Shrill sounds and bright lights
They gather and rave
And share her long nights

The promotions and stars
Demands of the game
Pushing new boundaries
Again and again

Words fly from the keyboard
Appointments, deadlines
Her cups brimming full
Overflowing in time

Her spirit grows restless
For a gentleman past
Quiet tears and sweet sorrow
Loving memories last

To delight her young heart
In a life of extremes
She beckons for someone
To fulfill her new dream

One after the other
The suitors they ply
Her attention to hold
Her affections to try

A scientist poet
With a heart to sojourn
Her heart to romance
My passions to burn

Perhaps we will meld
Like lovers embrace
But I hope to at least
Glimpse Abby’s true face

In that mid-marathon lunch meeting, he did get to glimpse my true face. And as I try to focus on the things I really, really do want, well, it just makes me sad.

Idiots, Updated

Greetings, dear readers! Yesterday was an amazing day, a day of cognitive dissonance. I don’t have time to write about it today but stay tuned. In the interim, I’ll fill you in on the latest online hilarity.

The first exchange is an update from one of the idiots I was “schooling” in my previous post:

Why don’t you let me see your pictures so I know what I’m missing? [This is paraphrased, since Ashley Madison deletes your messages beyond the last 10. Argh!]

I don’t have secret photos. I have photos online. [Again, paraphrased.]

Just one though.

Actually, there are five. Click on the arrows.

 Great shall do.

Extremely curious about you and would love to learn more about you and what you are looking for. Your profile says a lot but I suspect there is a lot more. How do I find you?

Still wondering, but will be patient.

You seem so very nice and I appreciate your openenss. Where oh where do you live? [This one almost made me do a spit-take. I seem very nice? I wonder what the hell his now-deceased “lover” was like! She must’ve been Cruella deVille! That email I sent him was so far from nice I’ve characterized it as the most brutal communiqué I’ve ever written!]

We thought you’d like to know that “david9105” has added you to the ‘Favorites’ section of his Profile. [Really? I’m one of his favorites? Really. Wow.]

———————–

Okay, so now what do I do? I’ve already written to him to disabuse him of any notion of ever meeting me? How much more brutal can I be?

And this exchange is between myself and “Alex,” a single guy in New Jersey. I believe the photo accompanying his profile is a shot of him golfing. That, in itself, should have served as a warning. His emails were very curt and felt, on my end, a bit bossy. I did my best to reply politely until the very end. The first email volley between the two of us was deleted by my friends at Ashley Madison. I believe his consisted of something along these lines: “hello, love your pix” or “hi wanna chat” – without caps or punctuation. And I’m sure my response was “Thank you!”) The conversation continued thusly:

We thought you’d like to know that “A1177” has added you to the ‘Favorites’ section of his Profile.

Hi Abby I emailed u wondering if u got it my e is xxx@xxx.com Alex

I did, indeed, and responded!
A

We thought you’d like to know that “A1177” has added you to the ‘Favorites’ section of his Profile. [I didn’t realize I could be “favorited” more than once! This guy can’t keep his finger off the “favorite” button!]

hey there whats up

Why would you waste credits by asking “What’s up?” Do you have anything to say that might inspire me to respond to you? Yes, I’ve responded. At this point it’s almost anthropological.

u look perfect 

lets cut the bull 555 555-1234 im Alex 

Hello Abby
sorry I got off on the wrong foot with u  so 2 speak  last night   but I did begin by saying that I thought u looked perfect   
Alex

Hi Alex!
And thank you for thinking I look perfect. I can assure you I’m not! As you’ve already seen, I have a tough time keeping my mouth shut!
Perhaps you’re typing on a gizmo? That always makes me more brief. Either way, I’m happy to try the other foot!
Abby

I’ll  b in the city 2morrow 4          the auto show    would u like 2 have lunch

I have lunch plans…and after work plans. Will you be spending the night? (Can’t recall where you live…)
Could do lunch on Thursday!

Iif u wanna do lunch 2morrow   call 555 555 1234   best I got 2 offer

I’m sorry, I said I had plans.

If you’ll still be around at 7 I could meet you for drinks…or dinner. Best I have to offer.

I think its time we chat   555 555 1234   don’t b scared im cool

will u call already

If you haven’t already noticed, I do not respond well to orders.
Move along.
There’s nothing to see here.

Last chance

Hahahahahah fuck off.

———————–

I must admit, I am really enjoying this newfound ability to just blow guys off. “Alex” is single, so don’t think — again — that my blow off-ability is reserved just for the attached. Perhaps it’s the sheer numbers of potential suitors that is allowing me to feel the need to be nice to everyone. Or maybe I’m finally capable of responding to rudeness with more rudeness. I’m not sure it’s a good thing, in the end, but it sure feels exhilarating!

—————————————-

And further proof that men will keep butting their heads against that brick wall, two separate emails post the “fuck off”:

U should.nt talk like that

Hey abby

Sir,
You have proven yourself to be rude and bossy.
As I said, move along, nothing to see here.
A

Careful, You’re Emailing a Callous Cunt!

Holy fucking christ-on-a-trampoline. It just keeps getting more and even MORE hilarious! I’ve been dying to fill you all in on another dozen ridiculous dicks and share more embarrassing bathroom mirror self-portraits but some of the emails I’ve been receiving are even more laughable. Check out these tools:

Hello,
My name is “Dave.” I found your lovely posting today and I thought I would reply in hopes that we might have something in common. I had been in a committed monogamous ten year relationship – the best ten years of my life – but my lovely lady passed away earlier this year. The time is not yet right for me to start a new relationship like I had with her but I do miss the intimacy – of conversation and of the body – and I miss the loving, the caring, the fun and excitement of two people who completely enjoyed being with each other. Frankly I am hoping to find someone through Ashley Madison who can share those feelings with me but who is not looking for a long term commitment (at least not right at this moment). The timing is just not right yet for me but I hope that will change with time.
I am retired after 40 years of professional work as a project manager for large companies around the world. I love to travel, love the City but also love the beach, boating, the mountains, skiing. And I love to love! I know you said almost never older but that you might be convinced otherwise. I do believe you will find me incredibly young at heart and young in body. In fact my lover often just referred to me as her “teenager”!
My home is on the North Fork of Long Island, I am often in Northern New Jersey and in the City visiting with family and friends and I can travel pretty much anywhere in the Northeast to visit with the right person. If you find what I have said to be interesting, please email me back in some detail, telling me a little more about yourself, and perhaps if there is mutual interest, we could arrange to meet somewhere for a no-commitment cup of coffee or a drink.
Looking forward to hearing from you,

“Dave”

Hello, “Dave,”
Let me get this straight. You’re a 64-year-old widower who isn’t interested in a long-term relationship. What do you have to offer me? A no strings attached roll in the hay? Why on earth would I want that? Especially with someone so much older? When I’m getting emails from 27-year-olds? Mind you, I have no interest in anyone that young. But I also have no interest in anyone that old. I’d prefer someone close to my age, someone I have something in common with. What, pray tell, do you think we might have in common? Do you go out to parties every weekend til 4am? Do you enjoy dressing up in costumes and dropping E? Do you drink in East Village dive bars? Have you been to Burning Man? A sex club? Bonaroo? Coachella? Figment?
Your “lover” said you were “her teenager.” Well, that may have been. But you clearly aren’t. Obviously neither am I but I would NEVER “market” myself as such. Get a grip, man! Please re-read what you wrote me and think it through before you email the same thing to someone else. You say you want intimacy but to what end? We create that intimacy to NO end? What would be the point?
Why aren’t you on a regular dating site looking for people closer to your age? Wouldn’t that make more sense? With possibly better results? Why would you be on a site designed for married people to have affairs?
I’m sorry to be so abrupt and callous but I feel like it’s my obligation to ask “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?!?!”
Do yourself a HUGE favor and join Match.com or some other dating site that is NOT about affairs! That isn’t about people looking for a quick fuck or a sugar daddy arrangement or some other screwed-up situation. You’re obviously a very nice man. Don’t subject yourself to this sort of bullshit.
If you’re really just looking for a one-night stand, you might be better served hiring a hooker. Seriously. I can’t imagine there’s much demand for a 67-year-old guy looking for random sex. Holy shit what is this world coming to?
Best of luck to you.
A

This guy was not only old but short. Like 5’4” short. That is SHORT. His opening salvo:

The picture of you toasting my health got my blood up. Wonder Woman incarnate! (5’10’ , Riviting in a skirt and Boots) I’m by Van Cortland Pk. Where are You?
You’ve had a different experience than I. I’ve become jaded in that I’ve met no one. Its all a slide show.

So I checked out the guy’s profile. Here are his stats:
Age: 59
Location: Yonkers, New York, United States
Height: 5’4″ (163cm)
Weight: 130 lbs (59kg) – Fit
My Limits are: Whatever Excites Me
Status: Single Male seeking Females
Gender: Male
Ethnicity: Hispanic

FIVE FOOT FOUR? Does he represent the Lollipop Guild? I respond politely:

Thank you for your kind words. Haven’t we met on OkCupid? I’m afraid 5’4″ is just a little too short for me, even with your Wonder Woman fantasies!
Best of luck in your search!
Abby

And the ballsy little gnome comes back with:

A fond recollection not a fantasy. 5′ 8” and 170 was the Juno I dated for awhile. SHE convinced me that not every amazon views me as a troll, O well, No attack submarine for you.
Good Luck

No attack submarine for me? Are we playing in the bathtub? And WHY the hell do short guys feel compelled to tell me about the other TALL women they’ve dated? Like I give a shit! I have, literally, dozens of guys to choose from here in the erotic ether. Why would I want a gnome? I did need to give him kudos, though:

Congratulations on such healthy self-confidence! My loss, I guess!

Yeah, right, my loss. NO submarine attack for me! (Said in the voice of NO SOUP FOR YOU!) Bwahahahahaha! Oh man… Guffaw!

Here’s another older man attempting to convince me to adjust my desires for him:

You sound wonderful but before I go any further, I’m curious why you are on a sight where most men are attached. I am a caring, giving, sensitive mature man that seems to be on the same page with you in every other way. Please respond even if not interested.

I have a number of reasons for being on this site… I can’t say I’m interested. Most of the men on here lead alarmingly dull lives, even those far younger than I am. I move at a fairly fast pace…
Abby

Thanks for responding. Give it some thought as I think you will be very pleasantly surprised. I don’t mean to sound conceited but I may just be what you are looking for. As to your reasons, perhaps you want to share a few with me. As to the age issue, experience in life comes from having been around and learning what pleases one emotionally as well as physically. Take a shot. Incidentally, where do you live? Again, thanks for responding, it makes be believe you are real.

I can assure you I am VERY real. I am also not at all interested. Seriously? You’re 67. And married. How do you figure you could possibly be “what I’m looking for?” I have lived an extremely wild life and have had plenty of experiences, including well over 100 sexual partners, many of whom most definitely knew how to “please me.” Conceited isn’t the word. More like deluded. I appreciate your self-confidence and suggest you use it to find someone closer to your age who is married as well. As a single woman I don’t need to even come CLOSE to compromising. If your photo doesn’t immediately appeal to me, you aren’t over six feet tall, between the ages of 40 and 53, you don’t type out exactly the most perfect words to charm me and motivate me to respond to you, well, what can I say but DELETE!
Forgive my harsh response. I’ve been receiving so many of these emails and find them so appalling that I feel obligated to at least attempt to set men straight. You, of course, are obviously free to also hit “delete.”
Best of luck in your search.
A

And just to prove that I’m not just discriminating against older dudes, I got this email from a 28-year-old attached guy. Wait. He’s TWENTY-EIGHT? And MARRIED? And ALREADY looking to cheat on his wife? Oy fuckin’ vey.

Hello,
This is my first time messaging anybody on this website, your smile drew me right in 🙂 You sound like an extremely fun person to be around! I incredibly enjoyed your profile, it had a real voice to it. While my profile may be lacking I hope to make up for it with this message. I’m 28, live in Manhattan, absolutely love live music and am currently finishing up grad school at Columbia. I’m not here to find just anybody but would rather meet someone who is intelligent enough to articulate their wants, needs and desires. I think communication and chemistry are essential to developing a transcendent connection with someone, even be it brief. I would also like to share some fantasies and fulfill some along the way 🙂
Hope you’re having a wonderful day!

“Bob”

“Bob,”
Thank you for your kind words! I’m flattered that I was the first person you reached out to. However, I have to question, why me?
Your email was very thoughtful and surprisingly well-written. So many people sound illiterate on this site (and others). I appreciate your quest for a transcendent connection and everything that goes along with it. May I suggest you try to find that with someone closer to your age? You mention fantasies…I have years of experience in adult entertainment and intimately understand fetishes, fantasies and sexual desires. Yours may feature an older, mature woman. Unfortunately, mine do NOT feature ME being cast in that role. I don’t want to be anyone’s mom, teacher, best friend’s grandma or anything similarly depressing. Perhaps when you’re older you’ll understand. Of course then you may be one of the sad-sack 67-year-olds emailing me, still, about your fantasies! I certainly hope not!
I’m sure there are quite literally hundreds of women on here eager to be your older woman. I’d bet you’ll have better luck with the married women whose husbands are, perhaps, less able to please them sexually or with less stamina. I’m single, so I can pretty much sleep with whoever I want! Ya know what I’m sayin’?
Anyway, best of luck in your search!
A

I’ll be sure to update you all when and if these guys respond… And yes, I AM, indeed, a totally callous, unfeeling cunt. Better me than you!

Married Men Marathon: Part Deux

I gotta say, I have good taste! Even when it comes to screening out idiots on dating sites and finding charming, intelligent and engaging gentlemen! (None of whom have posted any genitalia, bathroom mirror reflected or otherwise!) My dating marathon continues:

Yesterday was dinner with “Cal,” who was not only as impressively tall in person as he promised online but even better looking than his photo! Conversation came easily and he was most definitely a smart, successful guy. I won’t go into his personal life for fear of “outing” him, but I will say he is both married and actively seeking, if not an immediate affair, at least what might be “out there.” While we both abstained…from alcohol — heh — so there was no chance of drunkenly tumbling into bed, I could imagine such things happening…eventually.

Today was lunch with “Bob,” also married, and also quite delightful. There were no awkward silences and he was just as appealing in person as he’d been online. His situation is somewhat different but at least it sounded to me as though he and his wife communicate about such things. Hmmm, that’s rather obtuse. Anyway, suffice it to say that, again, though the meal was sober and did not lead to an episode of “afternoon delight,” it would not be beyond the realm of possibility.

On both dates, conversation jumped from politics to business, the city vs. the suburbs, personal histories and careers. Online dating, and Ashley Madison in particular, were the main focus, for obvious reasons. It seems that everyone who “does this” is eager to share their experiences, good, bad or otherwise. Both men had been on the site longer than I and both had been on a few dates. However, neither had managed to wind up in bed with anyone. So this makes — what is it now? — seven men I’ve met, each in various stages of committed relationships, none of whom had actually experienced the successful affair promised by Ashley Madison. I may need to expand my research to women and find out who is having sex with the men they meet and under what sort of circumstances these affairs take place. Someone must be getting laid! Why is that the men I’m connecting with aren’t?

I expected that I might feel like these encounters are “grocery dates” (meeting men merely for the free meals) but I haven’t, as I firmly believe I have much to offer, even if sex isn’t on the menu. Every guy I’ve met has been leading a far more “normal” life than mine so, at the very least, I’m able to open some doors, suggest some exciting activities or even just talk to them about what life is like as a single person. Imagine if you hadn’t dated in a couple of decades! As I said in my (many) reasons for being on the site, we all can use the practice. Hopefully these guys agree. Thus far, lunch-by-the-light-of-day dude was the only one not interested in seeing me again. So stay tuned!

In addition to these dates, I actually have been doing, well, ya know, other things! And it’s a damn good thing the weather has gotten better, so I don’t mind being out so much. I’d found myself in quite the nesting “rut” for a while there! Monday night I went to dinner with a friend and helped him create a profile on OkCupid. Yesterday I went to lunch with another friend who I met on OkCupid. And I’m on my way now to meet a guy from OkCupid for the first time. So even my social life outside this crazy-ass marathon seems to be centered around online dating! I guess I’m making this project my “job,” since I don’t happen to have one! If only I could find something to which I might apply myself to with this much enthusiasm and concentration! Someone needs to hire me as a dating columnist! I could do wonders for the world of bumbling idiots out there in the ether! Hello, anyone reading this with an actual JOB? Sigh… Onward!

Married Man Dating Marathon

Ack!

My fingernails are dirty. My apartment is coated in dog hair from the two crazy, NON-paper-trained dogs I’m fostering. I haven’t had a legitimate job since 1996. I don’t shave…anywhere. And I use the word fuck, like, every fucking minute. I’m clearly not appropriate for mainstream consumption. So it came as no surprise that “Jim” didn’t feel any “sexual chemistry” with me after our lovely lunch yesterday.

Let me start over. As you all know, dear readers, I’ve been doing some mad online dating. My recent membership on the cheating people site has brought me a digital landslide of attention and I’ve been juggling married dudes eager to take me…to lunch, to dinner, to bed. It was tough scheduling dates when I wasn’t even in town but now that I’m back from my adventure at Coachella, I’ve got illicit suitors lined up for days.

I met with “Bill” Saturday night, en route to see a friend’s band. I wouldn’t ordinarily “waste” a weekend evening on a stranger but, what the hell, I was already dressed up and out on the town!

We met for beers at 2A, convenient and cheap, though I wasn’t all too happy about a blind date in the daylight. “Bill” was pleasant enough and he was entertained when I regaled him with my previous evening’s swing club story. (I know, poor form to talk about other dates — or so says YourTango — but it was too hilarious not to share!) Apparently “Bill” has been living in some sort of bubble for the past few decades as he was completely unfamiliar with swing clubs. And swinging in general. When I finally asked if he’d ever heard of Plato’s Retreat, he nodded, still unsure. “So people go to these places to…have sex? In private rooms?” No, I told him, in front of each other. He didn’t understand.

We did enjoy each other’s company, even if it would never be a love connection. Or any other sort of connection. However, when my friend Sandra showed to accompany me to see my friend’s band, I felt somewhat relieved. “Bill” was my first real actual married man, if I am to believe the previous three and their purported statuses. (Stati?) He didn’t seem to be hell bent on actually having an affair. He appeared to just be looking for interesting company.

So that was Saturday. I took Sunday off from my dating frenzy because it was a holiday. And I was in New Jersey. (I’d make a crack about the lord resting on the seventh day but I’ve only just begun my married man marathon.)

On Monday I’d arranged to meet “Jim” for lunch. He chose a quiet little spot in the West Village with an outdoor garden in back and, since it was such a warm day, we decided to dine al fresco. Again, I wasn’t all too happy about a blind date by the light of day, but what else can you do at lunchtime? “Jim” was as tall in person as he’d said he was and somehow far more distinguished. His online photo made him appear a little awkward; there was nothing awkward about him as he sat across the table from me. We enjoyed lunch and a frank discussion about online dating, affairs and the complex process behind meeting someone and where it eventually might lead.

During our conversation there was a mention of his having dated models, not in an arrogant way, just matter of fact, and I made a mental note that perhaps I wasn’t quite polished enough for this man. His hands looked softer than mine and his nails were most definitely cleaner! But lunch was enjoyable. After we’d finished eating, we stood on the sidewalk outside the cafe. “Jim” took my hand and, shaking it gently, told me that it had been a pleasure meeting me but that he hadn’t felt any sexual chemistry. He delivered that news quite frankly, looking me straight in the eye. Oddly enough, I wasn’t at all insulted. It was so honest and polite I couldn’t be. But it was a bit sobering.

As I walked away I recalled, again, that all of my successful sexual encounters — or relationships, for that matter — had taken place with alcohol or drugs involved, so it wasn’t surprising that a lunch date in the glare of the noon sun hadn’t resulted in a quickie, or even the desire to meet again. I’m not sure I would’ve said the same thing about “Jim.” He was pretty handsome. And exceedingly tall. His preemptive dismissal of me alleviated any need for me to dismiss him. But I doubt we’d have been a good match.

While some might think “How awful,” my take-away was that this was precisely one of the reasons behind my dating marathon in the first place: This was practice and I was learning not to take rejection personally, something which, I’m embarrassed to admit, I haven’t been able to master in my previous five decades.  So though I won’t be seeing “Jim” again, I considered the date a success.

Why Am I On Ashley Madison?

The question has come up a few times now: What’s a single woman doing on Ashley Madison? Sure, there are a few other unfettered folks on there but the site’s tag line is, after all, “Life is short. Have an affair.” It’s a hook-up service for the hitched. I have a few reasons for putting a profile up on this tacky “cheaters’” site and none of them are what I would classify as simple.

Let’s start with the fact that I’ve been single for a year now and mostly unhappy about it. My last boyfriend and I split primarily due to circumstances. He had a job in California, I needed to be in New York. We didn’t really have a “let’s break up” moment. There wasn’t a neat and tidy “end.” Even today, after all this time, I believe I’m still in love with him. And that lingering love has been a serious obstacle in my pursuit of…happiness. Between loving him and moving on. And eventually falling in love with someone else.

Thus I’ve been dabbling in online dating and have experienced the most luck with OkCupid. But it’s been so long since I’ve felt attracted to anyone that I don’t even know what it feels like anymore. And since I’ve never really dated – in the old-fashioned sense of the word, where a woman meets a guy who asks her out on an actual date – I truly don’t know how to conduct myself. So I’m getting some practice. Like going on an interview for a job you don’t want.

It’d be too easy to say that the average attached, Ashley Madison man is taller and better looking than the single losers I’ve been finding online. However, it appears to be true. I could quote all the studies and stats that say married men make more money and it’s not difficult to grasp that if a person experiences success in one aspect of their life, other successful aspects logistically follow. And I certainly don’t want to get into the whole “All the good ones are taken” conversation but, man, sometimes it sure seems like they are. That a man is “taken” does not, in any way, make him more appealing to me. In fact, just the opposite. But some of these guys are pretty damn appealing!

I’ve felt less pressure to find “the one,” mostly because so many of these men are married. I can experiment with finding “chemistry” without all the other crap. On “regular” blind dates (which all online dates, essentially, are) the pressure involved with sitting down across from a stranger and immediately asking “Do I want to fuck/marry this guy?” can be too much. Who can live up to those sort of expectations? Shouldn’t it be more about “Do I enjoy this person?” and have the future be reassuringly amorphous (as it always, realistically, is….) Of course, the obvious drawback would be “clicking” with or, god forbid, falling in love with, someone who’s inconveniently married.

My favorite aspect of being on Ashley Madison is how easily I’m able to be brutal. The guy’s 5’8”? Delete! He doesn’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”? Delete. His opening salvo is “Hey, baby, wanna play?” Goodbye. He sends me his “private showcase” key, which reveals the dreaded headless naked bathroom mirror self-portrait. DELETE! I feel no obligation to give anyone the benefit of the doubt. He’s just some married dude! Of course, given that there is the odd single guy, I could accidentally delete a potential dream date. But why bother if he doesn’t make the cut? I’m not quite sure why I’m so much less callous on OkCupid. Why I feel a need to be polite on singles’ sites that I don’t feel on Ashley Madison. Being ruthless is sublimely liberating! I can tell him his photos are embarrassing; that he does not, as a matter of fact, look 10 years younger; I have no problem saying, “Yo, dude, that was kind of offensive!” I love not really giving a shit if a guy writes me back, calls me again or blows me off completely. Dirty hair, dirty laundry, who the hell cares? There wasn’t any hope for a future with the guy anyway. The surprising thing is that most of these men seem to actually appreciate the honesty! I guess it’s one more thing that’s been missing in their lives. Which leads me to:

There are hundreds of men on Ashley Madison who have been “imprisoned” by their lives: marriages, wives, kids, jobs, BORING or stagnating or otherwise suffocating existences. I have been living – and continue to live – a pretty wild life by comparison to most and even emailing me – or meeting me for a drink — seems to “satisfy” an “I’m looking for…something” craving these men have. Who knows what will happen next? Maybe I’ll scare the guy back to his wife. Maybe I’ll inspire him to get that inevitable divorce. At the very least I hope to be able to give people a little taste of what their life isn’t, a glimpse of what they may be missing, and what they THINK they want but perhaps don’t, really, in the end.

I’d be guilty of telling only the partial truth if I didn’t admit to being somewhat interested in a few free meals…or free beers. These married dudes have jobs and money, in addition to their wives, and if they’re looking to hang out with someone who might give them a little thrill – be it in bed or a Starbucks — why not make them pay? Honestly, I’m not that much of mercenary. But it does make it easier to rationalize accepting the “charity.”

So you see, my motivations are somewhat complicated. I love to meet new people. I love to help people. Maybe it’s the closeted shrink in me. I’m not sure. I enjoy being enjoyed…appreciate feeling appreciated. In the end, it’s all an ego boost. And then some guy writes me a poem. No one’s ever written me a poem. And I cry. Maybe that’s why I’m Ashley Madison.

Another Asshole: Updated

As I was bloggedy-blogging away about dick pix on Ashley Madison, right in the middle of my writing I checked my inbox and a somewhat homely gentleman whose advances I had gently turned down was making his last “stab” at wooing me. Here’s how our conversation went:

Him:
“Call me.”

Me:
“Umm, as charming and convincing as that come-on is, I have to ask for a bit more. Like maybe your name. And your phone number. And maybe why I should call you.”

Him:
“Sorry LOL You can email me at XXXX or call me at XXX-XXX-XXXX. My name is XXX. I think we’d have fun.”

Me:
Could you perhaps email me a photo, so I know who I’m communicating with?”

Him:
“There are pix of me on there.”

Me (after looking at his photos):
“Um, okay, thank you…but I don’t feel suitably inspired. Best of luck to you!”

Him:
“You need to be inspired? hmmm…I have a webcam…I think I can inspire you…I look MUCH better than pics…and I have certain qualities I’m confident you wouldn’t dislike too often…so..you just never know…”

Me:
“If you’re saying you have a huge cock, I’m currently blogging about how pathetic that is. It means nothing.
Seriously. Get a grip.
I am inspired by a lot of things. A hard-on isn’t one of them.”

Him:
“Sometimes the Italian language is inspiring. Get your mind out of the gutter. LOL”

When I didn’t respond immediately, he volleyed back with:
“You’re 51? I’m not inspired…forget it….LOLOL Yup…too old….(doesn’t it feel so nice when someone judges you based on one factor?)….very nice….luv it”

And my retort:
“Hahahahah! You are HILARIOUS! Didn’t you see how old I was before you emailed me? Or do you just email everyone and hope for the best?
Loser.”

Unfortunately I can’t figure out how to block people on the damn site. Bah! I was sure he’d been sufficiently blown off, but NOOOOO! He couldn’t keep quiet. He had to add this gem:

“No sense of humor? I was teasing…see…true colors come out… I could have said OLD, fat and ugly but I didn’t…lol
Too bad you take yourself SO seriously….
LOSER”

Let’s see if he feels compelled to keep contacting me…

Cheating Penises

Ashley Madison is providing me with non-stop high hilarity! If it isn’t some shlub in suburbia trying to convince me that he can really show me a good time, it’s yet another unhappily married 20-something charming me with the tired line “age is just a number.” Far-flung frustrated husbands who are planning a trip to New York City “in the future” attempt to book my oh-so-in-demand time months in advance. Illiterate military men and mono-syllabic muscle heads actually believe we have something in common. Guys with screen names like “slowhand,” “loveto69” and “meontop” let me know that “I have an admirer” in between winks and hearts and virtual emerald necklaces. It’s more amusing than a sitcom!

But probably the best thing about the site is its never-ending parade of penises! They don’t just pop up, unexpected or unannounced. Oh no! You’ve gotta work for them! Most men on AM don’t even post their pathetic, pixelated likenesses. You’ve got to be given cyber-key access to their private albums. Some guys are so shy that clicking on their key brings up…yes, pathetic pixelated shots, usually taken from 50 paces, rendering them…unrecognizable. Guess that’s for the best if their wives suspect they’re trolling the internet for “discreet affairs!”

The bolder guys show you their faces right up front. Their keys might lead you to the dreaded “check out my ripped abs” self portraits. (Or their not-so-ripped abs! Hah!) But the really “ballsy” dudes have additional “rated” photos that require an extra click beyond their secret key. Guess what’s usually in there? That’s right! Hard cock!

Now you, my dear readers, know that I am far from being a prude! You also know that I personally prefer a little mystery. What the hell are these guys thinking? Do they believe that one glimpse of their magical love wands will so enchant me that I won’t be able to resist a rendezvous with them at the first possible moment? That I’ll be on my knees, salivating at the idea of unzipping their flies, mere seconds after we’ve met?

As one might expect, there aren’t too many embarrassing members on display. If you’re less-than-well-endowed, you probably aren’t eager to advertise the fact. (Unless you’re like my new friend Little Dick!) So yes, all these online erections are certainly impressive. And perhaps there are, indeed, women out there who only want to see what might be the eventual “goods.” Though I would also assume that along with their enthusiasm for these guys’ goods, they’re equally eager to get into their wallets. I’ve already heard tales of women who make no “bones” about their desire to be someone’s sugar baby, expressing interest in the regular ol’ quid pro quo arrangement of “You take care of me and I’ll take care of you!” Yeah, you and your GIANT COCK! Hahahahahah!

To prove my point, right in the middle of my writing this post, I checked my inbox and a somewhat homely gentleman whose advances I had gently turned down made his last “stab” with: “You need to be inspired? hmmm…I have a webcam…I think I can inspire you…I look MUCH better than pics…and I have certain qualities I’m confident you wouldn’t dislike too often…
so..you just never know…”

My response? “If you’re saying you have a huge cock, I’m currently blogging about how pathetic that is. It means nothing.
Seriously. Get a grip.
I am inspired by a lot of things. A hard-on isn’t one of them.”

The sad thing about all this is that I bet if these idiots emailed their wives pictures of their hard cocks, of them fervently masturbating in front of the bathroom mirror, it might actually spice up their supposedly dull married sex lives. But what the hell do I know?

I’ll leave you with this brief, blurry, almost flip-book like series of action shots that one gentlemen was thoughtful enough to share with me. Enjoy!