Tag Archives: hard-on

You’ve Got Cock!

In a moment only a whimsical writer such as myself could script, I sat down this morning to write about the disembodied dicks phenomenon and, turning on the TV for background noise, wound up watching “You’ve Got Mail.” As with the previously wept-overMust Love Dogs,” I’d never seen the movie. But man, have things changed since the uber-innocent Meg Ryan and handsomely earnest Tom Hanks exchanged zeros and ones through the ether! Remember those bleeps and buzzes as your dial-up connection connected? It seems like decades ago!

The world wide web has always been an arena for X-rated antics, so the whole here’s-my-penis thing isn’t exactly news. But sending a stranger a shot of your cock in hopes of romancing her has moved from the daring, swinging, “desperate hopes of a semi-immediate hook-up” Craigslist realm to the positively commonplace. It seems like everyone is zapping their prick around the internet. Politicians can’t seem to keep their dicks in their pants or off their iPhones! Sports figures and movie stars are compelled to over-share. Even last night’s Saturday Night Live had a skit about it: a service that will photograph and then enhance your less-than-impressive penis before you click send. It was hilarious! And not all that far-fetched.

Maybe it’s because I’ve recently been writing about it but it seems like internet genitalia has suddenly become a meme. Many of my friends have been Facebooking about them, there’s the aforementioned Saturday Night Live skit and the many public figures, plus, well, all the press about Ashley Madison has upped the buzz-quotient about online affair-arranging and the resulting profusion of online penises.

To further explore this phenomenon I’m planning to conduct some “hard” research. I want to know why! And if it actually works! So I’m gonna have to keep inspiring men to send me their “packages” and ask a lot of “probing” questions. Guffaw. But first let’s address what thought processes may explain the male inclination to email their members.

I’ll begin with the sweeping generalization that females are not “visual.” There are dozens of profitable men’s porn magazines and practically zero for women; the bulk of adult movies are viewed by men; fetishists with ultra-specific fixations are primarily men; and despite the short-lived success of  Chippendales, or the humor of “The Full Monty,” usually when there’s an audience watching a naked body onstage, it’s primarily comprised of males. So it could be that men think “I like to see sexy, therefore she will enjoy seeing sexy.” Of course, sexy is in the eye of the beholder.

Which logically leads to the question: what about the basic aesthetic appeal of men’s genitalia? If you visit a museum just about anywhere in the world, you’ll find dozens of representations of the fine female form. Men, not so much. Yes, there’s David, by both Donatello and Michaelangelo, plus a few slightly less-famous penises like Apollo Crowning Himself. But for the most part, the beauty of a naked woman is historically accepted while men’s “junk” is, well, junk.

My initial distaste for the dissemination of cyber-dick stems mostly from its anonymity. Usually those cock shots are headless. Body-less. And faceless. If we’re ever gonna end up in bed, I’ll need to see your face, for starters, and then find out if you can kiss. How you smell will matter. (I’ve wound up in bed with — and, in one instance, married to — men I’d previously considered totally out of the question just because they smelled good!) And then there’s how you make me feel while we’re just sitting side by side. Once we’ve progressed beyond all those preliminaries, and probably many more, for the most part I can appreciate the beauty of a cock. But it really needs to be once I’m acquainted with it. Seeing a familiar photo, seductively sent, can cause me to recall previously pleasurable encounters. So I’m not saying that a penis picture will never work! I’ll even admit to being “visual” enough to find myself aroused by some of these inbox cocks. Though all that leads to is masturbation. (More on this at another time!) I mean, chances are if you’ve sent me your cyber-shlong, I’m here, you’re there and I don’t even know your name yet!

Well, dear readers, I appear to be veering a bit off topic; this is a big, thick, sticky subject (snicker) that will obviously require hours of in-depth investigation and follow-up blog posts featuring my results. Check back in to see what these anonymous, disembodied dick deliverers have to say — if anything — and how women feel about being on the receiving end of all this “I can’t un-see that!” imagery. Obviously, I would appreciate your feedback! If you’re a man, let me know what would motivate you to email someone your cyber-member. And if you’re a woman, weigh in with your opinion on these “you’ve got cock” overtures. My research starts NOW!

Cheating Penises

Ashley Madison is providing me with non-stop high hilarity! If it isn’t some shlub in suburbia trying to convince me that he can really show me a good time, it’s yet another unhappily married 20-something charming me with the tired line “age is just a number.” Far-flung frustrated husbands who are planning a trip to New York City “in the future” attempt to book my oh-so-in-demand time months in advance. Illiterate military men and mono-syllabic muscle heads actually believe we have something in common. Guys with screen names like “slowhand,” “loveto69” and “meontop” let me know that “I have an admirer” in between winks and hearts and virtual emerald necklaces. It’s more amusing than a sitcom!

But probably the best thing about the site is its never-ending parade of penises! They don’t just pop up, unexpected or unannounced. Oh no! You’ve gotta work for them! Most men on AM don’t even post their pathetic, pixelated likenesses. You’ve got to be given cyber-key access to their private albums. Some guys are so shy that clicking on their key brings up…yes, pathetic pixelated shots, usually taken from 50 paces, rendering them…unrecognizable. Guess that’s for the best if their wives suspect they’re trolling the internet for “discreet affairs!”

The bolder guys show you their faces right up front. Their keys might lead you to the dreaded “check out my ripped abs” self portraits. (Or their not-so-ripped abs! Hah!) But the really “ballsy” dudes have additional “rated” photos that require an extra click beyond their secret key. Guess what’s usually in there? That’s right! Hard cock!

Now you, my dear readers, know that I am far from being a prude! You also know that I personally prefer a little mystery. What the hell are these guys thinking? Do they believe that one glimpse of their magical love wands will so enchant me that I won’t be able to resist a rendezvous with them at the first possible moment? That I’ll be on my knees, salivating at the idea of unzipping their flies, mere seconds after we’ve met?

As one might expect, there aren’t too many embarrassing members on display. If you’re less-than-well-endowed, you probably aren’t eager to advertise the fact. (Unless you’re like my new friend Little Dick!) So yes, all these online erections are certainly impressive. And perhaps there are, indeed, women out there who only want to see what might be the eventual “goods.” Though I would also assume that along with their enthusiasm for these guys’ goods, they’re equally eager to get into their wallets. I’ve already heard tales of women who make no “bones” about their desire to be someone’s sugar baby, expressing interest in the regular ol’ quid pro quo arrangement of “You take care of me and I’ll take care of you!” Yeah, you and your GIANT COCK! Hahahahahah!

To prove my point, right in the middle of my writing this post, I checked my inbox and a somewhat homely gentleman whose advances I had gently turned down made his last “stab” with: “You need to be inspired? hmmm…I have a webcam…I think I can inspire you…I look MUCH better than pics…and I have certain qualities I’m confident you wouldn’t dislike too often…
so..you just never know…”

My response? “If you’re saying you have a huge cock, I’m currently blogging about how pathetic that is. It means nothing.
Seriously. Get a grip.
I am inspired by a lot of things. A hard-on isn’t one of them.”

The sad thing about all this is that I bet if these idiots emailed their wives pictures of their hard cocks, of them fervently masturbating in front of the bathroom mirror, it might actually spice up their supposedly dull married sex lives. But what the hell do I know?

I’ll leave you with this brief, blurry, almost flip-book like series of action shots that one gentlemen was thoughtful enough to share with me. Enjoy!