Tag Archives: Dating

More Senior Stupidity

I think my online dating excursions have reached a new low. And I’ve hardly even left the house. I’m patiently waiting for my month’s membership on SeniorPeopleMeet to expire. It seems that most of the men on here are about to expire! It’s depressing as hell! To call it a retirement community would be saying there may actually be some action – or some socializing. Most of these men look like they don’t ever get off their couches. They don’t know how to spell. They don’t know how to type. And they sure as hell don’t know how to present themselves in an online forum. Frankly it’s mind-boggling that there could be so many functionally illiterate men out there! And so many from Buffalo! Check out some of these  erudite Einsteins and their alluring sales pitches:

SKIPHIGH says  he’s “interested in me” (with one of those canned emoticon messages). His profile? No photo and:
I very happy going guy easy to please love to go out love sports and love church
Yup, completely sans punctuation!

ATREVINO533 is also interested. His profile? Another black silhouette and:
I looking for some one
I’m sure he is. But again, no punctuation.

Another match made in cyber-heaven:
I am a widower who is dedicated to his family. I do not smoke or drink. I am a home body unless it is going for a drive into the country, antique shows, garage sales, carnivals, fairs or activities with the kids or work

My favorite:
iwant somebody to like me for who iam

I guess it makes complete sense that these guys don’t bother writing a personal message. They’re barely capable of tip-tapping out a brief description of themselves! I assume a date would involve raw meat, rubbing sticks together and, if I lasted long enough, them dragging me back to their caves by my hair.

How ’bout this 68-year-old fossil, who wrote:
Hi Whats your ring size, and shall i call the caterer! ? LOL Whats a LUDDITE????
 

Okay, so I realize that I may be coming off sound like a bit of a hypocrite. I’m calling old guys fossils while desiring dates with younger dudes. But I’ve never made a cyber-pass at anyone more than a decade my junior. And can I help it if I wind up in bed with boys a dozen years younger? It takes two! I hope you won’t hold it against me.

TOLDUIWOULDWAIT in Minneapolist says:
Not many of us still drink PBR, I think that is what I saw in your pic
Right he is! And clearly this guy hasn’t been to a bar overrun by hipsters in the last, like, decade! Or perhaps to a bar, period.

REDNOLES, a 77-year-old in, like, Florida, says:
Sweetheart thanks for your photos you made my day. If we don’t ever chat or any thing I can look at your pictures and drool. lov you Larry

Thank you, Larry. I guess.
You’re too far away to bother chatting. And you’re also a bit too old for me. I know, age is just a number. But seriously…

And then there are the wholesome guys who are, for some odd reason, attracted to me. This gentleman was a little overboard in his first hello:

Subject: Your up late!
I liked your profile and it made me think that It’s times like these we learn to live again. I am a down to earth man looking for a special person to share my life with. I am a very easy person to get along with.I am looking for a loving, committed relationship. Not just a fling or one night stand. Family is very important to me. I am looking for a someone who is respectful but not to serious. If you cant laugh at yourself don’t laugh at anyone else. Someone who will treat me as good as I treat them. I am looking for a best friend that can turn into something more. I am a widower who is dedicated to his family. I do not smoke or drink, I’d just like to add, I’m a traditional man and a gentleman. As I approach the second chapter of my life, I am excited at the prospect of having a wonderful life with someone very near and dear to my heart. Would you like to get to know one another?
Jim
“Hugs”
Or should I say “I Love You”

Jim,
Thank you for your note.
No, I don’t think you should say “I love you.” You know close to nothing about me.
I drink all the time. I’ve written for porn magazines. I use the word “fuck” in every other sentence.
So I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t have much in common.
I wish you luck in your search and hope you find that best friend you’re looking for.
Abby

I guess I was successful in my attempt to dissuade him because he didn’t respond. I can’t say the same for the god-fearing guy on OKCupid. (See that post for…that.)

And for a few good laughs, here are a couple pix of men who’ve been “interested in me” (cue smiley emoticon):

I KNOW! I am going to burn in HELL! But really…. I mean REALLY!

Blind Date Hell

In aniticipation of my return to the city, I reactivated my profile on OKCupid with the goal of lining up a few dates. I had more than a few interesting men “on the line,” some I was even excited to meet. For the most part, I was really just eager to “get back in the game.”

One guy had been sending me flattering messages and, after a few back and forths about a date, he suggested we meet for “happy hour.” We still hadn’t figured out an exact time – or place – and when he said he couldn’t leave the office till 6:30 at the earliest, I thought perhaps I could manage a “two birds with one stone” situation . I had a friend in town staying with me and we both wanted to check out Pleasure Salon. So I thought she and I could go together, hang out for a bit and then I’d meet up with my “date.” I let him know and he agreed to meet me there. My friend and I got to Happy Ending around 6:00 and by the time I was on my second beer my date still hadn’t shown. On my way to the bathroom, a guy stepped in front of me and exclaimed, “Hi, stranger!” The rest of what transpired and our subsequent reactions is in our emails:

Hey sorry.  I split. I just found it a bit odd that we were meant to meet there and it seemed as though you had no idea who I was. Hoping you have an amazing evening.
R
Sorry? I’m guessing not, or you would NOT have left. That was pretty fucking rude.
Of course I had no idea who you were. Your photo on OKC isn’t of your face, so it’s tough to tell what you even look like. How was I supposed to recognize you?
Anyway, I hope that karma catches up with you!
Abby
It’s cool. I admit it was rude to leave that’s why I apologized. However I dont think I was the only party that was rude. As far as karma goes I’m not worried. Because I’m a good person who treats people well.
You didn’t treat me too well.

I thought I did. I was excited to see you I introduced myself. You said your friends were around the corner and to introduce myself. Before saying anything else.  My perception of that was rude. Either way I’m sorry if you thought I was rude.
R

Actually, no, you didn’t introduce yourself. You said, “Hi, stranger.” The lights behind you made it hard to even see your face. Not that I would’ve recognized you since your face is so small on your profile pic. I was on my way to the bathroom and suggested you sit with my friends, where I was sitting. If that wasn’t to your liking you could’ve waited for me to get out of the bathroom. Instead, you just left. Making a date with someone and then disappearing is rude. Plain and simple. Offering to have you join my friends as I was on my way to the bathroom? I’d like to hear what about that was rude.
No response. My cousin said she would’ve left, too. Was I really that rude? I dunno. It’s all such a crap shoot.

Another guy who’d been causing me more aggravation than excitement had the screen name “Masuginah,” the Yiddish word for crazy. I thought it was a sign of a wry sense of humor. Instead, it turned out to be an apt self-description. He began with a brief flirtation and I wrote back that his profile was completely empty, so it was tough to discern if we might have a connection. He responded with an invitation to “ask away.” When I didn’t immediately reply (I’m assuming he saw that I was “online”), he “shouted” back at me:

 I THOUGHT SO

I wrote back, You thought so? What did you think? What am I supposed to ask you? How about why haven’t you filled out your profile at all? Are you new? Shy? Why not volunteer a little bit of info?

The rest of the conversation went like this:

i did put a little more info in my profile, so thats not good enough?

I’m not sure why you’re so combative, especially with a stranger, on a dating site that’s designed to help you meet people. They site is easy to navigate, fun to use and matches people in fun ways, especially compared to many other dating sites.
If it’s all too much work for you, why bother?

its not hard work at all but i dont need no nerdy robot pickin my one and only and since you’re pickin on me will you tell me your name?..im Anthony

My name is Abby. Thought that was somewhat obvious.
The nerdy robot does a pretty damn good job at matching people. YOU pick your one and only. I’ll go read that little bit extra you added to your profile.
And if you’d like to know more about me, you can google me, check out my Facebook page or read my blog.
Abby

oh so you’re not here to meet anyone?

Of course I’m here to meet someone. What gave you the idea that I’m not?

see thats how you get to know someone you ask its better than lettin rudy tudy the robot pick it

Whatever, dude. I don’t know why you’re on here. It’s obviously a waste of your time. Asking questions is for when you meet people in person. Dating sites answer many of the questions for you if you just take the time to fill out the profile. No need to let “rudy tudy robot” do anything at all for you. I can read. You can read. We can both see photos.
Best of luck to you in your search. <cue you calling me a stuck up bitch or some other derogatory name>
Abby

ok one woman freak show good luck to you also and your stale humor

Oh, sorry. Was that humor? I couldn’t tell. It sounded to ME like you hated the site and couldn’t be bothered using it. If I got that wrong. DO let me know. I have a great sense of humor. Just GOOGLE ME.

yes it was i try to make people smile it makes for a better day

Well, I apologize. I did not detect any humor. As I said, you sounded totally aggro and irritated, both with me, this site and “rudy tudy the robot.” Humor rarely comes across online, especially with strangers.
And yes, by the way, I AM a one woman freak show.

well im full of humor not shit and if i have to send a smiley face after each message to show i mean no harm i will and ill start now…….:)and one extra..:)

And what did you mean when you emailed me: “I THOUGHT SO.” Was that humor as well?

no that was bein a wise ass:)

hi i checked you out on facebook…

And?

i enjoyed reading and looking at your photos… 
 so what does it take to meet you?

It takes sincere communication. I’m out of town til the 24th and my week when I get back will be crazy so the soonest I could get together is early Nov. if that suits you.
A

so when you mean sincere does it mean contacting you everyday to see how you are doing and phone communication?

No, it means an email with no snark, so smartass and no sarcasm. You know, a straightforward note. Nothing fancy.

hi would you like a phone conversation?

No, I prefer to meet in person. No need to draw things out if there’s no chemistry.

ok

Hi, so when will I be available? 
[That was from him…I didn’t have a chance to respond before he sent his next note.]

When will u be available is what I meant

Hah! I’ll be more organized and settled (hopefully) next week or the week after. Do you want to make plans to meet up? Lunch? Dinner? Drinks?
Lemme know!
Abby

Yes we can meet up for dinner when you’re settled in

I was asking if you wanted to make plans. If we don’t make plans now for next week, it will be next week and we’ll have no plans. I’m cool either way but have a pretty busy life and without plans, I make other plans. Not to sound all “I’m so popular” or anything…

How’s next saturday night?

I can’t do weekends, unfortunately. I kinda reserve them for my friends and events they’re producing that I like to support. Any other night works, though. I have a happy hour to attend on Tuesday the 8th but that will only be for a short while. We could meet up after. Wednesday the 2nd? The 3rd?

Sounds like you wouldnt have time for a relationship from that last e mail..but the 3rd is fine

If I had a relationship, that person would be integrated into my life. As I would I would be into his. I have a full and fulfilling life. I’m not some loser sitting in my apartment lonely with no friends. And I would rather spend my weekends with those friends than strangers. That’s pretty simple. After we’ve met, you won’t be a stranger anymore.
Glad you can do the 3rd. I’ll email ya closer and we can pick a place. Do you want to come to my neighborhood, have me come to yours or meet somewhere else? Sorry if I’m repeating myself but I’m in the East Village…

No I would love to see your world..im honestly looking forward to being in new york city with you

Awesome! You’re on my calendar!

Hi,
Just checking in about Thursday evening. Did you still want to get together? Also, what’s your name?
Abby

Hi, yes I do still want to get together..Anthony

Okay, Anthony,
Let’s say Thursday at 7. Do you have a place in mind or should I pick one?
Abby

I would have to leave it up to you since its your neighborhood

Ok, well there’s every type of food near me. What do you like?

Sushi?

Sure. My usual place closed but there are a few others. I’ll send you an address before Thursday.

Hi Anthony,
Ack, I lost my phone on Halloween and that’s what I usually use for all my communicating! So let’s figure out a time and place for dinner tomorrow. There’s a sushi place on the corner of Avenue A and St. Marks. Want to meet there at 7?
Abby

Hi, sure thats fine with me..

And the afternoon we were scheduled to meet, he sent this:

i find this very odd that we had not one phone conversation

Odd why? We are strangers. Once we’ve met in person we won’t be.
I don’t ever have phone conversations with “blind dates.”
Does this mean you’re canceling dinner tonight? Or will you be at the restaurant at 7?
If not, please let me know as soon as possible.
Thank you!
Abby

I wont meet anyone til I talk on the phone to see if they are who they say they are. Just like you certain things matter.

I guess the dinner date is cancelled.
Best of luck to you in your search.
Abby

You put a damper on my search just for the simple fact that I feel your profile is bogus and a fraud 
[Gotta love this. What am I? A computer? A bot? Whose Facebook page did he think he was looking at? That’s some seriously advanced technology!]

What a fuckin joke this is

So of youre real come to jersey

No thank you. I don’t have a car. If I’m not real, who the hell has been emailing you? What would a phone call tell you? Try it: 000-000-0000. I’ll answer. But I could be ANYONE.

[When he didn’t call, I gave him a taste of his own snarkieness.] I THOUGHT SO

[And then the guy actually called. I told him it wasn’t worth my time, that he’d been aggro since the beginning, it was rude to cancel mere hours before the date and I couldn’t be bothered. Then came the string of psycho emails.]

Talk about a internet game player.get s grip already thats why ur single im single because she died so good luck with the bullshit and last but not least is I would have met you tonight

If you would’ve met me, why did you bother with YOUR bullshit of needing to speak on the phone? THAT was an internet game.

Best of luck to you, too.

ok brat

Seriously, dude?

im not a dude m a grown man

A grown man AND an asshole!

ok i can accept that

no reason for you not to understand me

but one thing im not is some self centered asshole like you

[And if that wasn’t the icing on the cake, he actually emailed me yet again!]

why you so thick headed

Sigh. I’m not sure why I even bother…Today I had a lunch date that he cancelled…last night at almost 11pm. And when he asked to reschedule, I actually said yes. I may need my head examined. On the bright side, I met two OKC guys in one night Friday. That’ll have to be a different post!

Senior People….Zzzzzzzz

Yes, I’m back. Back in the city. And back at the online dating grind. As predicted, more high hilarity has ensued and I haven’t even been on a date yet! (Well, technically I have been on a date. Last night I met up with someone I’d been emailing on OKCupid since last year. So that doesn’t really count. Or does it? More on that another time.) Anyway.

A few months before I left for the desert I joined SeniorPeopleMeet. I mean I signed up for it but didn’t pay, so I was only being “viewed.” I couldn’t respond to emails or communicate with members in any other fashion. I made a joke about it here. But a few days after I returned to civilization, I actually forked over the money for a month’s membership. And when I told friends about it they all groaned, “You aren’t a senior, Abby!” But I kind of am. I mean, it was getting a little ridiculous being “cruised” — and propositioned — by 20-somethings on OKCupid . Flattering as well, yes, but not exactly leading in the direction of forever. I thought, why not get on a site designed specifically for people at least a little bit older? Like, in my general age range… Well, holymotherofgod. It’s like a goddamn old folks’ home on there! Not to mention the lamest, corniest, clunkiest interface EVAR! I’d say don’t get me started but you know that’s exactly what you want! Okay, here goes!

One of the site’s most glaring glitches was evident on my “Who’s Viewed Me” page; men who had not only viewed me before but who had emailed me (or, more likely, “flirted”) were listed as “NEW!” with “1 view.” They can’t even seem to get that right. Not that it matters.

First off, the site offers canned “flirts,” much like OKCupid’s “winks.” They are incredibly trite and about as far some sincere as the internet is capable of conveying:
Feel free to send me a message ; ) – Yeah, why don’t YOU send ME a message? Instead of this stupid “flirt?”
I’m interested in you. Yup, interested and lazy.
I’d love to hear from you. Um, not gonna happen. 
Great Photo. Care to chat sometime? Yeah, that last one makes me think there’s more money to be made by the site if everyone’s IMing away. I haven’t been brave enough — or stupid enough — to turn off my pop-up blocker and allow these fossils to “chat” with me!
I Like You! Hahahahah! Sounds like one of those little Valentines we used to swap in grade school. Which is pretty much the way the whole site feels. And, I’m assuming, the demographic they’re shootin’ for.

These “flirts” are all accompanied by cutesy-pooh emoticons, ie a smiley face with hearts as eyes. I was getting so many that I changed my profile to say: Also, no “flirts.” They’re generic and anonymous and irritating as HELL! If you can’t craft a personal message, don’t bother. I realize that because you’re on THIS site you may be a Luddite, but don’t let that hamper your ability to communicate. But does anyone pay any attention? Hell no. And most of those who did take the time to write a personal message asked what “Luddite” means. Sigh.

I’d also written PLEASE! If you don’t have a photo, don’t bother! It’s only fair. Yet the generic, canned flirts just keep on a’comin’! Grrrr! Faceless dudes all over the damn country emailing me flaming hearts. That’s another mark against the site: it doesn’t screen people for geographic location unless you’re doing the searching. In other words, it throws people at you with little regard to where you live.

A few days ago my inbox started blowing up. And I began to suspect the site of sending bots. Er, fake emails. I was getting “views” and “flirts” from dozens of men who had no photos, many of which didn’t even have a brief little blurb of introduction. “Ping” after “ping” from the black silhouette head, smiley face with heart-shaped eyes and screen names that appeared to have a strange same-ness: FRED45COOL and JIM69TX or SAM77SWIM. Those who did have a bit of their profile filled out were so generic that they sounded made up. With all my experience trying to sound like a “real person” back in my porn days, it isn’t difficult to recognize fictionalization. So many included the words “laid back” and “easy going” that everyone sounded tranquilized! Like I said, it does resemble a retirement community.

Of course, the names that do have photos and profiles are just plain alarming: CHUCKYHOT. Um, not. WILDBUTSAFE. I seriously doubt it. The wild part, I mean. COOLTUSH. Huh? The percentage of men who have the word “fun” in their screen name is also somewhat jarring. I realize I’m “old” and still “fun” but just because you can still get up and walk around doesn’t quite qualify you as “fun.” Or hot. Or wild.

Here are few of the most frightening examples (and my apologies to you, gentlemen, but I mean, c’mon):

This guy says he’s 50. Really? I mean, seriously? There is NO WAY!

And this guy is supposedly 51. Can’t that truly BE?

I suppose, at 56, this gentleman is more credible, but doesn’t it look like he’s a little used up? Or beaten down?

The bottom line is, do ANY of these guys look like they’d have anything in common with me? Be able to keep up with me? I included in my profile a brief, if slightly ballsy (and possibly offensive) caveat: “You’d better be a VERY young old person! I have never dated anyone older than me, at least not since before I got my driver’s license. I have an exciting life that I’d love to share but I don’t want it to kill anyone!” Why go on a date if the dude’s gonna keel over the next day?

Thus far I’ve had only one slightly unpleasant interaction. In a fit of disgust at yet another guy without a photo sending me a somewhat obnoxious email, I couldn’t stop myself from being a bit rude:

Subject: Dear Abby,
OmiGod, I just had to say that, start this massage no,I didn’t misspell it, (verbal massage) that way. Well I barely remembered what a luddite is(small l in Webster’s). I don’t send “flirts”; they are meaningless, should never have been born, only massage to be read, although I give great backrub. That is simply a given. For once you are going to be the “editoree” instead of the editor. And that, in my humble…….is o.k.
Webster’s….I know….AGAIN…. calls fem. for editor “editress”, you call that person an “editrix”. Do not fear, I shall be gentle, for who knows,this could be your very 1st time? But since that is highly improbable, I shall still be gentle because I am a gentle kind of a guy, and I like to play with the Language, craft my own words, am also a writer….Michael P.S. Old enough to be your father? Hardly. Being away at boarding school when I was 15 or so, I had yet to discover girls. Gosh, that is such a vulnerable admission. Will you be gentle too?….

My response:
Did you read the part of my profile that said no photo, no response? Guess not.

And his:
Ohhh, so short, so curt, so goodbye. [Sent twice!]

Augmented by:
Ooops, think I sent that one twice, a mistake. In your world it doesn’t sound like any are made….or allowed to. I was,and am, going to add, sooo sarcastic….funny thing about sarcasm…. anyone can do it, be that way, even a mental midget 

Hahahaah! Mental midget! Yup, that’s me!

There are, surprisingly, a few guys on the site who don’t look like Santa Claus, don’t live in West Virginia and are capable of stringing together a few sentences with the proper spelling and punctuation. I’m lining up dates with some of them. I’ll most certainly let you know how they go!

Stories We Tell Ourselves

When I was in college I bought a pair of wild shorts at a tacky tourist shop. They were patchwork plaid seersucker. I called them my “You’ll never get a date in those shorts.” And I didn’t. In fact after I’d broken up with my freshman year boyfriend I didn’t date anyone. Sure, I slept around; it was the 70s. But no dates.

After college I moved to New Jersey. Still, no dates. I told myself it was because I was too…a lot of things: too tall, too loud, too picky, too opinionated. Too smart. And so far from compliant. No Stepford Wifery for me! I would regale my friends with hilarious tales of just how un-date-able I was. A self-fulling prophecy.

When I moved to Newport Beach, there were cute boys living below me. I wound up sleeping with one of their friends, who subsequently became a boyfriend. I guess we dated, but we were already together. Then I moved to New York City and I dreamt up even more baroque stories about why no man would want to take me out. By then it was the 80s and the media had predicted that “A woman over 30 has as much of a chance of getting married as being hit by lightening.” Nice. I was, of course, 30.

My sister gave me a New York Magazine personal ad for my birthday. Yes, that was back in the days before internet dating, when people actually put pen to paper in an attempt to meet someone. It seems like the fucking Dark Ages. And those days were, indeed, dark. Even though I was finally “out on a date,” as in a guy was buying me dinner (or whatever), it wasn’t quite right. They were hoodwinked into wanting me by my clever turns of phrase, my effusive prose. Or maybe my measurements. Whatever it was, it didn’t feel like real dating. And it never was.

I managed to find a boyfriend eventually: a one-night stand who actually called. After about two years together we broke up and soon I found yet another boyfriend who was yet another one-night stand who called. I wound up marrying that one!

Fast-forward to today. I’m 52 and lamentably single. When I wind up in a conversation about dating or sex – or the lack thereof – I find myself rebuilding my repertoire of why-I’m-un-date-able tales again. “Every 50-year-old guy who has all his hair and can see his feet thinks he deserves a 35-year-old.” “Why would anyone want a woman my age?” “It’s a vast wasteland out there.” “I go to parties but everyone is so much younger. And where else do you meet people?” “I’ll never get picked up on in a bar ever again.” (I was at least recently proven wrong about that last one! I didn’t act upon it but I certainly could have.)

At least I’ve learned from my past mistakes, one –and perhaps the only – benefit of being older. I can hear how I sound and now stop myself mid-sentence before I seal my fate with more self-fulfilling prophecies. Yet I once told those tales of why no one would date me and somehow managed to find love anyway. I’m sure I’ll find it again, in probably just as unlikely of places with equally unlikely men. (Or man, why be greedy?) Perhaps I should drag out those plaid seersucker shorts!

Shooting (Jesus) Fish in a Barrel

In my relentless pursuit of hilarity — as opposed to true love — I’ve continued spelunking on the interwebs, which isn’t news to you, my dear readers. Most recently I joined two sites that are so pathetically cringe-worthy that I’m embarrassed to mention them. Well, not that embarrassed. The first one was SeniorPeopleMeet, which I ridiculed in an earlier post. They continue to send me new “matches” and some of the guys don’t look too objectionable. I haven’t forked over the cash to contact anyone, but I might soon, once I’m out in the desert with nothing but time (and a whole lotta booze) on my hands. Stay tuned.

The second one I signed up for is — brace yourselves — ChristianMingle. I KNOW! I’m about as far from religious as can be AND am well aware that the chances of my having anything at all in common with a man who’d be on that site are probably zero. But that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be amusing to try. Who knows? Their tag line is “Find God’s Match for You” (TM). I’d be willing to suspend judgement — and disbelief — if it leads to eternal happiness. Or at least life-long happiness.

I haven’t paid my membership dues, so I can only sit passively while God-fearing men visit my profile, give me “flirts” or send me email messages that I’m unable to read. I’m weighing the idea of actually joining.

Making fun of the fat old men in flannel shirts and baseball caps on SeniorPeopleMeet is easy enough; ridiculing the Christians is more like, literally, shooting (Jesus) fish in a barrel. The mere fact that they go to church doesn’t make for great comedy. However, some of their profile info is ripe for the pickin’:

This hot little number describes himself as “full-figured,” which I’m pretty sure was meant to be for women to click. His favorite TV show is the “700 Club. No surprise, then, that he’s a Conservative. Or that he’s never been married.

This guy could use a better photo. I can’t even see his face. He’s a Catholic and I’m less afraid of them than the Fundamental types and he even drinks “On occasion.” If only I could get a closer look…

Another shot that’s so small I can’t see his face. What is it with guys who pose by their cars? I see it on all the sites. Does it say “Look, I have a car?” Or “Look, I can drive?” Or is just an extension of their penises? Either way, it’s not a good look. What if women posed with their shoe collections? Pets are one thing, as they (supposedly) help to humanize you. Cars just make you look desperate. And don’t get me started on shots beside boats!

Yet another shot of a whole body. Look, I have one! This is the most unfortunate because he actually looks cute. Equally unfortunate, however, is his identifying as an “Ultra Conservative.” The rest of his profile looks acceptable, but his grasp of commas leaves something to be desired: “I am freindly,outgoing,and I love God. I love the outdoors,good food,music and enjoy long rides,” [sic] I adore the fact that he’s “a somewhat fashionable person.” Word. Diggin’ that cowboy hat. “Innewengland,” no less.

On the whole, most of these guys don’t look half bad, to the degree that is’t tough to find fault. Again, not the funniest. That I wouldn’t have much in common with them is sort of beside the point. I’m sure there are plenty of God-fearing women out there anxiously awaiting divine dating intervention.

It’s actually kind of shocking to me that so many people attend church on a weekly basis. Or say they do. If everyone in Manhattan decided to go to church next Sunday I don’t think there’d be room in the local houses of worship to hold them all. Even with staggered services. If Middle America is predominantly Christian, that makes sense. It’s the tri-state area that I assumed was less pious. You know what they say about assumptions. I don’t suppose I need to point out that I live in a bit of a bubble.

I’m also somewhat flummoxed at how few of these folks drink. Many checked “Never.” Never? Really? I could probably get over their church attendance before I could get over their sobriety.

Equally shocking is how many 50-somethings are interested in having children. Do people really want to be in wheelchairs at their kids’ college graduations? Just sayin’.

Okay, so that wasn’t quite as hilarious as I thought it would be. But no less true. Perhaps over the summer I’ll consider becoming “reborn.” Again, stay tuned!

Overall, I’d give this site a shot if I weren’t so afraid of rejection. I mean, once they found out what a heathen I am — in myriad alarming ways — I’m sure I’d get the old heave-ho. Ho-ho. Maybe I’ll create a fictional me and engage in make-believe romancing. Sigh. I’ll look for signs from heaven…

Woo-Hoo vs. Boo-Hoo

So I’ve been obsessively watching my blog stats and it appears to me that happier posts don’t do nearly as well as depressing ones. WTF, people? Would you rather feel my pain than celebrate my happiness?

Well, okay then!

In today’s news, I made my profile active again on OkCupid, mostly to get back in touch with the somewhat irritating guy in South Dakota. While he made many assumptions about me that rubbed me the wrong way, our conversation was interesting. When I logged off of the site he resorted to commenting on my blog; I didn’t approve the comments because they were, essentially, attempts at reaching me, not really comments. It seemed to me that he felt snubbed; we’ll see if he gets back in touch. In the meantime, I have another one of my clickety-click OCD hobbies back again.

I also joined ChristianMingle.com. I KNOW! I figured that would make for really interesting blog fodder! But alas, their “join free now” was merely that: free to sign up. If you want to actually read your emails (or do anything else on the site), you need to pay. Is that how Jesus would market? I say, fuck that, ChristianMingle! I’m gonna go check out J-Date! Hmm, maybe I need to invest a few bucks in both so I can truly experience the full selection of dating sites! In the interest of journalistic integrity and whatnot, that is…

I’m also working on a week’s “sex diary” for New York Magazine’s Daily Intel. I will warn you now, there won’t be any actual sex in it. It will be depressing as hell. I can’t wait to see the comments! They’re usually arguments about whether a “handjob” is an acceptable sex act “in this day and age.” Um, sex is sex. And I ain’t havin’ any. Mine will probably be the first in ages that features absolutely zero penetration. Sigh. The editor is excited about having a submission from someone who isn’t a 20- or 30-something, so that’s a plus. The minus being that 50-somethings simply don’t get laid as often. At least single 50-somethings… Gack.

Now if only I was into the really young guys! Cause yeah, exactly — DING! — 10 minutes after getting back onto OkCupid, a 24-year-old dude says, “Hey. You seem like a fun woman. How bout a fun young boytoy to play with?” I’m sorry, I do not want to be the punch line at your next beer puke fest! I’m cool with younger, but not that much younger! Go satisfy your mommy fantasies somewhere else, ya whippersnapper! Sheesh! My response? “I AM a fun woman!
But sorry, no thanks! I like younger, but not THAT much younger!
And please don’t email me back and tell me how I don’t know what I’m missing or that “age is just a number.” Thanks!
A

I’ll admit that my ego enjoys the attention on these sites, even if there’s no hope of ever connecting with any of the men. And my ego can use all the help it can get! Recently I was told I was “hot” and “sexy” by not one but two men. I don’t know why but it’s difficult for me to take in — and take seriously. I haven’t been feeling too terribly fetching lately. But that’ll hopefully change once I’m tanned and taut out in the desert sun, toting 2x2s and street signs around Black Rock City!

Okay, enough for today. Let’s see if ending on a hopeful note puts the kibosh on high stats! Hah!

What I Want

Well, with all the talk lately of bailing on OkCupid and Ashley Madison, of wailing over the “morally bankrupt” ex’s heinous antics and generally “going negative,” I thought perhaps the prayers and appeals to the universe might work a bit better if I actually delineated what it is I want. I’ll start with the lists I made out in the desert last year and perhaps add a few details.

RELATIONSHIP
I want to be loved.
I want to love someone.
I want a thoughtful man.
I want a man with a great job and enough money to keep us both comfortable.
I want a man who can communicate.
I want a man who gives good massages.
I want a man who is tall — 6’3″ or taller!
I want a man who loves my friends and my family.
I want a man with great teeth and great hair.
I want a man who enjoys puzzles and games.
I want a man who will cherish me.
I want a man who will make me laugh.
I want a man to grow old with.
I want a man who I have great sex with and great sexual chemistry with.
I want a man who loves his work.
I want a man who is a great kisser.
I want a man who is generous.
I want a man with nice skin.
I want a faithful man.
I want a man who is physically and emotionally healthy and strong.

CAREER
I want a job I enjoy.
I want to experience mastery — or at least appreciation and fulfillment.
I want to make a great living — $80,000 a year!
I want my job to be creative and challenging.
I want to work with fun and interesting people.
I want to be in a position with responsibilities.
I want a cool boss — or to be my own boss!
I want a job with flexible hours.
I want a job with great health benefits.
I want a job.

HOME
I want a home.
I want a home I can afford.
I want a little Poodle and wifi and my head vases on a little shelf all around the ceilings.
I want clean floors and a coffee maker.
I want a comfortable bed with a fluffy quilt and matching pillows.
I want colorful walls and stained glass.

As you can see, I have a lot of wants! Seriously, it’s been a long year of trying to figure out exactly what it is I do want. I wrote these lists last September, while holed up in my glamorous Burning Man trailer, a glorified box on wheels. It’s home three months a year, with a reasonably comfortable bed (no fluffy quilt or matching pillows, though!), electricity and a dorm fridge. A veritable palace!

Over the past six or seven months I haven’t gotten a whole lot clearer on what I want and it’s pretty tough to visualize your desires when they aren’t fixed in your mind. So I’ve been trying. I now have a home. The floors are clean, if littered with foster dog hair. I’m enjoying the white walls at the moment so I think I’ll keep ’em. I already had some stained glass and my bed is not only comfortable, it has a fluffy quilt with matching pillows! Of course, I’ve had the quilt and pillows for well over a decade, so they could use some updating.

As for being able to afford the place, well, that’s where the “career” comes in. Or the lack of it. For now I am committed to head out into the desert again and work for The Man. But when I get back it’s gonna be time for some serious soul-searching. I can’t afford to be choosey anymore. If I have to clerk at KMart, I will. Whatever happens, I’ll figure it out. And I’ll be writing this blog, along with a book or two, even if I have to self-publish. It’s been long enough.

Which brings us to relationships. If you’ve been reading — and I know you have been! — you know where things stand. I have to wonder how I’m going to meet this mythical man. I’ve more or less given up on the online dating. The parties I go to are attended, primarily, by people half my age. Any men I meet who are over 45 and not using a fucking walker are so impressed with themselves — “Look at me! I have HAIR!” — and I suppose I can’t fault them; I’m pretty impressed with myself, too! But their confidence means they think they qualify for someone hot and young, not a 50-something broad with a blogging problem.

But I’m doing my best to be positive here, right? I’m trusting the universe to provide me, eventually, with the man who will be by my side when I take my last breath. I’m not in too big a hurry. Well, okay, maybe I am. But realistically, perhaps I’ll find someone when I’m older. Or even older than older. When I won’t turn my nose up at a man who looks like Santa or a guy without any hair. But at least I’m putting my shopping list out there.

I could get really particular and say I want someone who can spell and punctuate, someone with blue or green eyes and a foreign accent. I don’t want to narrow my search down to an impossibility but I also don’t want to settle. If you want the elevator pitch, I want someone who will love my like Eric did, kiss me like Johnny did and fuck me like James did.

There was one more list I made. It’s a list of my attributes. What I believe I have to offer a man.

ABBY-TRIBUTES
I am attractive.
I am talented.
I am in great shape.
I am healthy.
I have a great body.
I have nice hair.
I have good skin.
I have nice teeth.
I have a great sense of humor.
I am witty.
I am smart.
I am clever.
I am funny.
I am experienced.
I am interesting.
I am a good listener.
I am a great story teller.
I am a great conversationalist.
I am sexy.
I am strong.
I am compassionate.
I am understanding.
I am NOT broken.
I am eager to please.
I am passionate.
I am a considerate lover.
I am a great kisser.
I am fun in bed.
I give great head!
I give great massages.
I am great company.
I am vibrant.
I am powerful.
I am gregarious.
I am exuberant.
I am hopeful.

I know you’re out there! Here I am!