Tag Archives: Cyber Relationships

Senior People….Zzzzzzzz

Yes, I’m back. Back in the city. And back at the online dating grind. As predicted, more high hilarity has ensued and I haven’t even been on a date yet! (Well, technically I have been on a date. Last night I met up with someone I’d been emailing on OKCupid since last year. So that doesn’t really count. Or does it? More on that another time.) Anyway.

A few months before I left for the desert I joined SeniorPeopleMeet. I mean I signed up for it but didn’t pay, so I was only being “viewed.” I couldn’t respond to emails or communicate with members in any other fashion. I made a joke about it here. But a few days after I returned to civilization, I actually forked over the money for a month’s membership. And when I told friends about it they all groaned, “You aren’t a senior, Abby!” But I kind of am. I mean, it was getting a little ridiculous being “cruised” — and propositioned — by 20-somethings on OKCupid . Flattering as well, yes, but not exactly leading in the direction of forever. I thought, why not get on a site designed specifically for people at least a little bit older? Like, in my general age range… Well, holymotherofgod. It’s like a goddamn old folks’ home on there! Not to mention the lamest, corniest, clunkiest interface EVAR! I’d say don’t get me started but you know that’s exactly what you want! Okay, here goes!

One of the site’s most glaring glitches was evident on my “Who’s Viewed Me” page; men who had not only viewed me before but who had emailed me (or, more likely, “flirted”) were listed as “NEW!” with “1 view.” They can’t even seem to get that right. Not that it matters.

First off, the site offers canned “flirts,” much like OKCupid’s “winks.” They are incredibly trite and about as far some sincere as the internet is capable of conveying:
Feel free to send me a message ; ) – Yeah, why don’t YOU send ME a message? Instead of this stupid “flirt?”
I’m interested in you. Yup, interested and lazy.
I’d love to hear from you. Um, not gonna happen. 
Great Photo. Care to chat sometime? Yeah, that last one makes me think there’s more money to be made by the site if everyone’s IMing away. I haven’t been brave enough — or stupid enough — to turn off my pop-up blocker and allow these fossils to “chat” with me!
I Like You! Hahahahah! Sounds like one of those little Valentines we used to swap in grade school. Which is pretty much the way the whole site feels. And, I’m assuming, the demographic they’re shootin’ for.

These “flirts” are all accompanied by cutesy-pooh emoticons, ie a smiley face with hearts as eyes. I was getting so many that I changed my profile to say: Also, no “flirts.” They’re generic and anonymous and irritating as HELL! If you can’t craft a personal message, don’t bother. I realize that because you’re on THIS site you may be a Luddite, but don’t let that hamper your ability to communicate. But does anyone pay any attention? Hell no. And most of those who did take the time to write a personal message asked what “Luddite” means. Sigh.

I’d also written PLEASE! If you don’t have a photo, don’t bother! It’s only fair. Yet the generic, canned flirts just keep on a’comin’! Grrrr! Faceless dudes all over the damn country emailing me flaming hearts. That’s another mark against the site: it doesn’t screen people for geographic location unless you’re doing the searching. In other words, it throws people at you with little regard to where you live.

A few days ago my inbox started blowing up. And I began to suspect the site of sending bots. Er, fake emails. I was getting “views” and “flirts” from dozens of men who had no photos, many of which didn’t even have a brief little blurb of introduction. “Ping” after “ping” from the black silhouette head, smiley face with heart-shaped eyes and screen names that appeared to have a strange same-ness: FRED45COOL and JIM69TX or SAM77SWIM. Those who did have a bit of their profile filled out were so generic that they sounded made up. With all my experience trying to sound like a “real person” back in my porn days, it isn’t difficult to recognize fictionalization. So many included the words “laid back” and “easy going” that everyone sounded tranquilized! Like I said, it does resemble a retirement community.

Of course, the names that do have photos and profiles are just plain alarming: CHUCKYHOT. Um, not. WILDBUTSAFE. I seriously doubt it. The wild part, I mean. COOLTUSH. Huh? The percentage of men who have the word “fun” in their screen name is also somewhat jarring. I realize I’m “old” and still “fun” but just because you can still get up and walk around doesn’t quite qualify you as “fun.” Or hot. Or wild.

Here are few of the most frightening examples (and my apologies to you, gentlemen, but I mean, c’mon):

This guy says he’s 50. Really? I mean, seriously? There is NO WAY!

And this guy is supposedly 51. Can’t that truly BE?

I suppose, at 56, this gentleman is more credible, but doesn’t it look like he’s a little used up? Or beaten down?

The bottom line is, do ANY of these guys look like they’d have anything in common with me? Be able to keep up with me? I included in my profile a brief, if slightly ballsy (and possibly offensive) caveat: “You’d better be a VERY young old person! I have never dated anyone older than me, at least not since before I got my driver’s license. I have an exciting life that I’d love to share but I don’t want it to kill anyone!” Why go on a date if the dude’s gonna keel over the next day?

Thus far I’ve had only one slightly unpleasant interaction. In a fit of disgust at yet another guy without a photo sending me a somewhat obnoxious email, I couldn’t stop myself from being a bit rude:

Subject: Dear Abby,
OmiGod, I just had to say that, start this massage no,I didn’t misspell it, (verbal massage) that way. Well I barely remembered what a luddite is(small l in Webster’s). I don’t send “flirts”; they are meaningless, should never have been born, only massage to be read, although I give great backrub. That is simply a given. For once you are going to be the “editoree” instead of the editor. And that, in my humble…….is o.k.
Webster’s….I know….AGAIN…. calls fem. for editor “editress”, you call that person an “editrix”. Do not fear, I shall be gentle, for who knows,this could be your very 1st time? But since that is highly improbable, I shall still be gentle because I am a gentle kind of a guy, and I like to play with the Language, craft my own words, am also a writer….Michael P.S. Old enough to be your father? Hardly. Being away at boarding school when I was 15 or so, I had yet to discover girls. Gosh, that is such a vulnerable admission. Will you be gentle too?….

My response:
Did you read the part of my profile that said no photo, no response? Guess not.

And his:
Ohhh, so short, so curt, so goodbye. [Sent twice!]

Augmented by:
Ooops, think I sent that one twice, a mistake. In your world it doesn’t sound like any are made….or allowed to. I was,and am, going to add, sooo sarcastic….funny thing about sarcasm…. anyone can do it, be that way, even a mental midget 

Hahahaah! Mental midget! Yup, that’s me!

There are, surprisingly, a few guys on the site who don’t look like Santa Claus, don’t live in West Virginia and are capable of stringing together a few sentences with the proper spelling and punctuation. I’m lining up dates with some of them. I’ll most certainly let you know how they go!

It’s a Woman’s Prerogative…

…to change her mind. And I’ve changed mine.

I just killed both my online dating profiles. No more Ashley Madison men. TTFN OkCupid. I just couldn’t take it anymore. Days on end of backing and forthing about meeting for coffee or a beer. Paragraph after paragraph with some guy in North Dakota, psychoanalyzing me and sizing up my literary abilities. Yet another email from a guy more than 20 years younger than me who, after a gentle no, sent a few more emails, including “What kind of music r u into?” Sigh. One more email from an old man who I wouldn’t fuck if he were the last penis on the planet. Sadly, this old man was only 44. How is it that people can look so damn old? It’s truly appalling. All my harping about age has been weighing on me. I’m afraid I’m gonna wake up in a week and, overnight, look like I’m 100! It can’t be good karma to keep complaining about this.

I had come to the conclusion that I wasn’t going to meet the man of my dreams online, but had thought I’d keep my profiles active if only to maintain the flow of blog fodder. I just don’t think I can do it anymore. It’s been sapping too much of my energy, which can be better spent elsewhere. I’m not sure yet where elsewhere, but at least I’ll have the energy to think about it!

Mind you, I didn’t delete my profiles; I suspended them. So there’s a chance I’ll return to online dating sites if nothing else inspires. For now, I think I’ll just…think. I leave you, ladies and gentlemen, with my latest collection of cocks:

Conclusions…and How They Are Met

After a series of events, I’ve come to a few conclusions:

1. I’m not going to fall in love with anyone I meet online. It just isn’t going to happen. Looking back on all the relationships I’ve had — or even the one-night stands — each one depended quite heavily on an in-person attraction that simply cannot be replicated through the ether. As I’ve said before, none of my boyfriends would’ve appealed to me “on paper.” I needed to be in close proximity to them and that closeness led to romance. Had a dear friend fixed me up with any of these men, I would’ve rejected them,  even if only subconsciously, right off the bat. They wouldn’t have stood a chance. It was the moment-to-moment getting to know them that resulted in love. Or, in the case of my ex-husband, the moment-to-moment tête-à-tête that led to sex which, in turn, eventually resulted in love. All I can think about when I’m with these men — married or single, attractive or quirky, spectacular or less so — even while in the midst of making out with them, is “Can I fuck this person?” And unfortunately, inevitably, just the mere self-conscious self-asking question is immediately answered with a “No.” I can’t say why. But there you have it.

2. Men will take even a resounding NO as a yes. They never give up hope. This doesn’t require much more elaboration. I will add, however, that an offering of friendship, which from the offering end means, you know, the possibility of “friendship,” is translated on the male receiving end as “There’s a glimmer of hope for sex!” Un-uh. It means I find you interesting or entertaining or otherwise possessing desirable qualities that I want in a “friend.” End of story.

3. The internet offers an odd combination of anonymity and intimacy that allows us to say the most outrageous things to complete strangers! In what situation would you tell someone whose name you don’t know, whose face you’ve never seen, that you want to “fuck them til their eyeballs shake”? And in what social arena would this actually be a turn-on, coming from someone who you’ve never even seen a photo of? Is this courtship? Cause it sure as shit doesn’t feel like courtship to me. Sorry if that sounds prudish or provincial. But, well, what the motherfuck? I mean, really.

Below are a few rounds of communiqués that helped me come to these conclusions. My conversations with the poet, both in person and online, have also assisted me in realizing what I really want: to meet someone, in person, NOT online, and fall in love. There, I’ve said it.

So should I delete my profiles from the dating sites? I’m reluctant to do so only because they’ve resulted in a few great friendships, both male and female, the latter being introductions through the males I met online. It’s a big world out there. I seem to know half of it. I’m holding out hope that, even though I may not fall in love with anyone I meet online, they may introduce me to the person with whom I will feel that passionate connection. I soldier on, a cynical optimist…

Hi Jaded-est, 
I’m so sure you have the six pack hunks all over you, but I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed your profile explainations that you wrote! I kinda smirked and giggled a little because I could only imagine the pics that you have gotten! 
Listen, you seem to be a beautiful woman inside and out. I’m kind of a biker dude by night, engineer by day, so I’m not going to try to dazzle you with BS to try to impress you. I’d love to chat with you sometime just because your nature interests me and your pic caught my attention. But I’m certainly not the younger that your lookinng for nor do I have the six pack abs. But I can carry on a conversation in just about any mode.
Have a great week. even if I don’t hear from you, I am glad to have done this to contact you. Beautiful people in my circle is a very important thing for me. Hugs!

Thank you for your lovely, email, “Phil.”
May I ask if you’re really 50? Only because everyone on here lies…as I have. I’m 51, actually, and am about to turn 52.
This site is odd…I’m not quite sure what I’m looking for here…if what I find is an affair, as in an encounter with someone who is married (I’m not, don’t know if you noticed), it would have to be with someone UBER attractive to me. UBER. Ya know? Someone older wouldn’t work. Why bother? Someone too much younger? No thank you. I have a lot of “must haves” when it comes to jumping into bed with a virtual stranger. And I’m not sure that would ever even happen. But even to CONSIDER it…
So if you were single, I might consider meeting you to see if there’s any chemistry or to be, at the very least, friends. But really, be serious. You’re married, you aren’t down the street from me…I would bet your life doesn’t have much room for friendships with women you meet online, most especially THIS site. If we became friends, what would you tell your wife? Perhaps you are single, as some of the men I’ve met here are, even though they say they’re “attached.” It’s all so complicated.
Basically, I’ve come to the conclusion that a romantic, sexual relationship that begins online is more the stuff of TV commercials than reality. At least for me. I have two friends who are marrying people they met online. I can’t see it ever happening for me. Even sex with someone I meet online. After a few months of this crazy 21-st century dance, that’s where I’ve wound up.
So the fact that you’re able to carry on a conversation isn’t that appealing. I would hope that anyone I meet, ever, anywhere, would be capable of carrying on a conversation. Please forgive me for wanting more!
Again, thank you for writing. It isn’t easy putting yourself out there, so I appreciate the attention. Anything more, though, would just not make sense for me.
Best of luck to you!

Hi Jaded,
Well, I appreciate your honesty and it is the reason I contacted you in the first place. Well, I guess I’m not into games either. Yes, I am 50, gonna turn 51 this summer and yes, I am married, but in the middle of becoming single again. I’m here because I lack the closeness and passion that most people enjoy, but like you, I’m not into games and BS. So look hon, I understand you completely and if it doesn’t work for you it doesn’t work. I really wasn’t expecting even a reply from you, but since you did, my first impression was pretty much dead on. You’re a real person and I’m glad I tried to meet you. It is not upsetting that I’m not for you. But I will leave the possibility of being at least an online friend open.
So thank you for replying. You seem like a real nice person and can rest assured that this was not a drama driven or false contact. I don’t have the time to play games. I just want ot meet interesting people and bring them into my circle. I’m not just divorcing my wife, I am divorcing my life and it is a very humbling but exciting time for me.
Happy Wednesday! Good luck to you as well!


Subject:  Wow!
Nice pictures. You are an exotic princess! I am a fun-loving, gentle guy living and working in midtown during the week. I seek a friend to help me explore the city. Dinner and dancing a must! I hope you write back. 

Well, unfortunately it matters a LOT what you look like. Especially if you find me “an exotic princess” based solely on my photos. I mean, I’m flattered. But it’s so superficial.
I am certainly game for making new friends and can most definitely provide companionship for city exploration. The chances of sex, or anything physical, are probably about zero…even regardless of what you look like. That’s the conclusion I’ve come to after far too many months of online dating.
So, if you’re up for joining me on my adventures, or creating some new ones, with someone who will ONLY be a friend, sure. Though if you look like Santa, Methuselah, a troll or are otherwise visually objectionable, that won’t work…
Sorry to be so blunt. The internet offers an odd combination of anonymity and intimacy that allows us to say the most outrageous things to complete strangers!


Subject:  ho hum
Hi. .my name is Dwayne Goldstein. I’m a former priest turned orthodox jew who used to do amateur porn. My mother is balck and my father swedish. I do not own a mirror and I keep a small apt in warsaw. Normally when I go nude sunbathing I do it at the hotel pool, that I own. Different enough for you? Or have you done that too? I would think someone who’s “got it like that” that this site would have been your first destination. Everything is passe. You can message me back, if that’s trendy enough for you

Subject:  RE: ho hum
Um, okay….I’ll bite. Not sure how sarcastic you’re being but I’ll go with honesty… If your parents were black and Swedish, how is it you’re “caucasian?” Is any of that email true? Are you really single? Your turn. Oh, and how about a photo? Wondering why you wouldn’t post one if you are, in fact, single.

Subject:  RE: RE: ho hum
No none of that e mail is true. Except for the fact I’m single. I don’t have a pic on here in that I’m a mobile dj who does weddings and I can’t have my reputation tarnished. I can tell you where to see it if you like. As much as I love nyc I think maybe someone read in the Sunday times magazine that it was trendy to be blase about life. Just the same way they told everyone cupcakes and food trucks were invented in 2009. My pic is on my website [deleted]. Try it, if ur pilates instructor says its ok.

Subject:  RE: RE: RE: ho hum
Hah! Well, you are certainly sarcastic! Hah about the food trucks and cupcakes being invented in 2009. So ARE you single? Or married? Either way, how often do you actually get into NYC? Sorry, I’m a bit confused here…

Subject:  RE: RE: RE: RE: ho hum
I know. I know. The guy from ny1’s in the papers segment didn t tell you what to think next, so its understandable you’re confused. I am single. I am single. Use it as a mantra till you believe it. And I’m sarcastic. Anything else?

Subject:  RE: RE: RE: RE: ho hum
I come there about four times a yr to visit there since its my favorite spot in the world. And if I had more of a reason, as in fucking you so hard ur eyeballs shake, id be there more often. U r about three hours northeast of me.

Um, yeah. Well, MEETING me would have to happen LONG before you fuck me until my eyeballs roll.
Wow, thanks for the romance. Jesus what is this world coming to? Is that supposed to make me WANT to meet you? A quick clue: It doesn’t.
If you only get to where I happen to live three or four times a year, when, exactly, did you think we’d get together and actually get to know each other?
Holy shit. What am I doing on these fucking online dating sites? Oh, I know! WASTING MY TIME!

Married Man Dating Marathon


My fingernails are dirty. My apartment is coated in dog hair from the two crazy, NON-paper-trained dogs I’m fostering. I haven’t had a legitimate job since 1996. I don’t shave…anywhere. And I use the word fuck, like, every fucking minute. I’m clearly not appropriate for mainstream consumption. So it came as no surprise that “Jim” didn’t feel any “sexual chemistry” with me after our lovely lunch yesterday.

Let me start over. As you all know, dear readers, I’ve been doing some mad online dating. My recent membership on the cheating people site has brought me a digital landslide of attention and I’ve been juggling married dudes eager to take me…to lunch, to dinner, to bed. It was tough scheduling dates when I wasn’t even in town but now that I’m back from my adventure at Coachella, I’ve got illicit suitors lined up for days.

I met with “Bill” Saturday night, en route to see a friend’s band. I wouldn’t ordinarily “waste” a weekend evening on a stranger but, what the hell, I was already dressed up and out on the town!

We met for beers at 2A, convenient and cheap, though I wasn’t all too happy about a blind date in the daylight. “Bill” was pleasant enough and he was entertained when I regaled him with my previous evening’s swing club story. (I know, poor form to talk about other dates — or so says YourTango — but it was too hilarious not to share!) Apparently “Bill” has been living in some sort of bubble for the past few decades as he was completely unfamiliar with swing clubs. And swinging in general. When I finally asked if he’d ever heard of Plato’s Retreat, he nodded, still unsure. “So people go to these places to…have sex? In private rooms?” No, I told him, in front of each other. He didn’t understand.

We did enjoy each other’s company, even if it would never be a love connection. Or any other sort of connection. However, when my friend Sandra showed to accompany me to see my friend’s band, I felt somewhat relieved. “Bill” was my first real actual married man, if I am to believe the previous three and their purported statuses. (Stati?) He didn’t seem to be hell bent on actually having an affair. He appeared to just be looking for interesting company.

So that was Saturday. I took Sunday off from my dating frenzy because it was a holiday. And I was in New Jersey. (I’d make a crack about the lord resting on the seventh day but I’ve only just begun my married man marathon.)

On Monday I’d arranged to meet “Jim” for lunch. He chose a quiet little spot in the West Village with an outdoor garden in back and, since it was such a warm day, we decided to dine al fresco. Again, I wasn’t all too happy about a blind date by the light of day, but what else can you do at lunchtime? “Jim” was as tall in person as he’d said he was and somehow far more distinguished. His online photo made him appear a little awkward; there was nothing awkward about him as he sat across the table from me. We enjoyed lunch and a frank discussion about online dating, affairs and the complex process behind meeting someone and where it eventually might lead.

During our conversation there was a mention of his having dated models, not in an arrogant way, just matter of fact, and I made a mental note that perhaps I wasn’t quite polished enough for this man. His hands looked softer than mine and his nails were most definitely cleaner! But lunch was enjoyable. After we’d finished eating, we stood on the sidewalk outside the cafe. “Jim” took my hand and, shaking it gently, told me that it had been a pleasure meeting me but that he hadn’t felt any sexual chemistry. He delivered that news quite frankly, looking me straight in the eye. Oddly enough, I wasn’t at all insulted. It was so honest and polite I couldn’t be. But it was a bit sobering.

As I walked away I recalled, again, that all of my successful sexual encounters — or relationships, for that matter — had taken place with alcohol or drugs involved, so it wasn’t surprising that a lunch date in the glare of the noon sun hadn’t resulted in a quickie, or even the desire to meet again. I’m not sure I would’ve said the same thing about “Jim.” He was pretty handsome. And exceedingly tall. His preemptive dismissal of me alleviated any need for me to dismiss him. But I doubt we’d have been a good match.

While some might think “How awful,” my take-away was that this was precisely one of the reasons behind my dating marathon in the first place: This was practice and I was learning not to take rejection personally, something which, I’m embarrassed to admit, I haven’t been able to master in my previous five decades.  So though I won’t be seeing “Jim” again, I considered the date a success.

WTF Cupid: Potential Sexist Stalker

So! I’ve been slooooowly learning that communicating with men online who haven’t posted a photo is an exercise in futility. Yet I often blindly stumble along. Recently I had an exchange with one man and after scheduling a meeting “just to be friends” or whatever, I politely backed out, thinking what was the point? I have plenty of friends and this guy didn’t seem to have much in common with me anyway. Even in an effort to “expand my horizons” and perhaps meet “the one” (in a long series of “the ones”), it would likely be a waste of time, both mine and his. Then, as I decided to write about this guy here, I did a quick little Gmail search for him and — CREEPY! — found an email exchange from the same address dating back to 2008. It appears we struck up an OkCupid conversation years ago and…it began — without his photo — and ended exactly the same way. Which leaves me wondering, why do these men bother? It feels somewhat like stalking to me…

(No subject)
Dec. 29, 2010 – 12:55am
happy to send photo once I get my computer and I photo back from apple in a few days…I’m a quiet artist looking for a woman who would eventually – like soon!- move into a house out of view of other houses- I love quiet getting away from distraction and noise and lack of privacy in ny – we’re very different, but I’m honest, not trolling to score sex which is what a high % of men do here and everywhere- it strikes me that you might be in a transitional phase and a more opposite kind of nature would lead you to what you deeply want, minus all the hooplah and people who aren’t there the next day.. I think it is difficult to have a zany life with another zany man, but anything is possible
45% Enemy 50% Friend 60% Match

Dec. 29, 2010 – 6:47pm
That’s a pretty interesting offer. I AM, indeed, in a transitional phase. I can’t say that I’m ready to move this minute…or even in the next few months. I can’t say WHAT I’m ready for, to be honest! But I would be open to meeting, just to see if we even get along! You’ve definitely piqued my interest!
Dec. 29, 2010 – 10:05pm
that’s sweet, an exclamation mark! so quintessentially female, like xoxoxo, only females do that
also honest (another uncommon female trait) :you don’t know what you want— ram dass said if yiou don’t know what to do, just stay in the “I don’t know” mode until you do know, don’t push it
anyway, I would give you my better email address but the apple store still has not returned my computer- so call me if you like at 212 555 1234 or – actually you could email more at XXXXXX@rcn.com
I heard in a documentary that basically the world came within 5 minutes of coming to an end, except maybe people in new zealand- some space probe of the U.S. exploring the northern lights looked like incoming missiles and boris yeltsin was advised to respond militarily- he had all of five minutes- he did not follow protocol and so the U.S. and Russia were saved, he just didn’t think it was real, the meaning of which is that we are living on a thread and need to live life now, like take nothing for granted, that’s my take
no question, I have an interesting mind, but all I want to do is live in a house out of view of other houses and write and paint and be with a kindly, spiritual woman- maybe have a large dog, all gemutlicht (do you know that word? means of hearth and home)- I’m very adept socially, but don’t have much of a desire to be with a lot of them a lot of the time, as shlomo once said the greatest tragedy of the human race is that it is human
I have no energy or interest socially, however it is true that that is thte only way to meet wonderful people, but if you had four or five such people let’s say 10 or 12, plus a partner, you would be overwhelmed…I could disappear with one person, be deeply in love with her and vice versa and never see much of anyone for weeks probably, that plus art and writing– and maybe the dog!

Our exchanges moved from OkCupid to regular email:

thanks…you are forthright and open, the best women are, the kind men like to stay with for life…women tend not to realize that all their minute  mood changes, unreliability and unpredictability and inexplicableness and frequent “disappearances”, then “reappearances” lose men, just as it begins to dawn on men that loutishness and swaggering and unbroken self involvement- and much worse- doesn’t gain them any love- men are far worse: millennia of violence and cruelty and killing: theirs is a stange legacy: the greatest achievements and contributions ever alongside all the extreme horror they’ve perpetrated
62% may be true: the problem is that people can’t be placed, instantly and in reality, like with a snap of the fingers, into a brand new physical circumstance: the zany party girl adjusts, strangely, to being in the kitchen and looking out past the flower box at trees, all her “friends” left behind or a man adjusts to an enlarged social life
anyway, I have yielded to my piscean nature and lead a more than precarious artist’s life. Monet said he was only good at painting and gardening, I would say something similar (not gardening for the second) it’s all I care to do anymore, it’s all I love to do: to think I was for 20 years or so a newspaper reporter, glamorized by the news and today- for well over 10 years, I have not had a working TV and if someone hands me a free paper in the street I take it out of kindness, then drop it in the trash unread. I really can’t stand the news, instead I do art most related to color field, early minimalism of fifties and early sixties. This chinese woman said she would connect my work with wealthy asian collector friends but as women are wont to do, kind of flaked out, it seems, hard to say
so it seems poignant, meeting, I’m lost in dreams of (after decades of growing up in and living in the city)… dreams of a secluded house and total quiet and non distraction and a loving partner- certainly removal from this 440 unit place I live in on the park, everything in tumult and noise, years long terrace and facade work, followed by more carpeting and probably elevator work with people buying and selling and real estate brokers in and out and contractors all over the place and sirens from ambulances day and even night, a gut renovation over my head, a man moving into the apt adjoining my bedroom (he’s very quiet, so far), the only good time really being the middle of the night …my prospects economically are, well…I’m sweet and handsome and tender and kindly  and faithful, but I’ve drifted into art and amd happier in fiction than engaging much with the human race… the “perfect” man but lost in dreamy, financially unproductive preoccupations

Hello David,
I appreciate all the little windows into your life and psyche. I will refrain from using any exclamation marks, as I don’t want to fit into anyone’s clichéd niche.
If you would like to get together, face to face, and see if we even get along, that would be swell. We only register a 62% match, which isn’t very high, comparatively speaking.
I will be back in the city late tonight. My schedule is pretty open.

how about tea/coffee/any warm soothing liquid next week?
somewhere near where you are so it’a easy for you
Hi David,
That sounds delightful! (Oops, another one of those damn exclamation points! OH NO! I CAN’T STOP!)
I live in the East Village. There are dozens of coffee shops, tea
shops and similarly cozy establishments. I recently discovered “Think”
on Lafayette between 12th and 13th near Union Square. It has a huge
selection of warm beverages and lots of room to hang out. Or we could
do more of a restaurant. Or somewhere more intimate… Any day besides
Wednesday would work for me!
also, only females sign xoxo
they have the right idea, hugs and kisses (actually it reads kisses and hugs), the world needs more of those, not yet more celebratory violence
tuesday would be good, or thursday, “Think” sounds OK- maybe quiet can be found there- the quieter the better, I remember once having a pizza with a friend on lafayette and the din was so bad we could not hear one another across a small table and my hearing is fine, though probably not after going there
the only  last minute cancellation would be related to return of my apple computer, which they will have had 11 days by then, on top of the 22 other days it’s been looked at
maybe I should have your number just in case
this is a serious situation and I have to act when the person I like whom I am dealing with says it’s ready, be there when he’s there
I lead a simple, non materialistic life, I write, I paint, I paint, I write, I make meals at home largely from whole foods which is less then one block away, I do exercises, pray three times a day, am in a state of deep focus- focus on the above and some beautiful maybe country home, being with an angel of a woman, warmly elegant and refined, who doesn’t continually yak,  and  spending endlesss time together loving each other
I am a typical aesthetic, sensual, spiritual piscean for whom beauty is a continual magnet, my home is reflective of this nature, cozy, charming, artistic, I like being in homes, mine or thers, though extremely adept and subtle socially avoid noise, crowds, if I have to be at an event I stay around the peripheries, where I can observe and learn and not be noticed, really see what is going on, it can be interesting
Actually, my ex-boyfriend signed all of his emails xoxo. When I made
friends with his ex-girlfriend (prior to me), she asked that I not
sign my emails with that…so I’ve stopped. Truly, one cannot
generalize about…most things.
There’s a lovely new-ish bar in my neighborhood also. It has a working fireplace and is usually quiet in the late afternoons/early evenings…if you’d prefer something truly cozy.
I have a feeling we will find each other…interesting but you do sound like you’re in a far different place/space than I am. While I am, indeed, yearning for a change of pace and, perhaps, lifestyle, I’m nowhere near the state of zen you profess to currently inhabit…
My number is 646-555-1234. Shall we shoot for Tuesday, unless your computer’s recovery interrupts?

he was unique, women use it all the time because women are constantly being “kissed” by everyone, including other women, on greeting, on saying goodbye- women are about salutory kisses and hugs
“profess” implies possession and self admiration, the way I described me is increasingly the only way I can deal with the world: by escaping  noise, crowds, sirens, subway screeches, by lighting candles and praying, by lying down and resting, refinding myself- it’s the only way I can get through a day- when I am in the apple store on b’way, where I’ve been so many times for the computer, I look at shlomo’s picture from my wallet to get myself through the experience of being there- there are all these nerdy, android like, nervous people in red shirts darting around and behind steve job’s glamor they are just another rule ridden, corporate iceberg- at least they have a store, gates and company distanced themselves completely from the human race, with call centers in india where people get paid farthings- as have many other companies, especially the broadband providers who screw people with ancient pop account technology and inflated costs versus france, japan and many other countries where costs are far less than here and technology far superior- why? because a federal agency and congressional “oversight” committe approved it- why? for some reason the word “payoff” seems to float into mind- corruption and lies- or to put it more positively, no truth
anyway, I think you are right about us, but you are obviously a truly fine person, I sense, generous and sweet in a world not exactly overridden by either- yes, smart, too, but that’s meaningless, smart people are a dime a dozen- kind is rare
so, friends, probably- will call re time-
I think I would be happier in a coffee type place than one for booze, honestly

Hello David,
I would like to politely cancel our plans to meet. It seems to me that it would be a waste of our time(s). While I can appreciate the concept of having people around me who I have absolutely nothing in common with, I would rather stay at home in my pajamas. I just don’t have the energy anymore to “collect” more new “friends.”
I hope you understand.
totally understand
I do think Abe Wilson’s (may dad’s attorney , long ago) point was correct: have different kinds of people in one’s life.
the tendency is to have people from the same profession
Well, given that I don’t have a profession, I don’t have friends in only one profession. I have friends in just about every imaginable walk of life: rich to poor, artists to bankers, ad execs and moms, religious people to agnostics and athiests, teenagers to 80-year-olds. I’m pretty lucky!
that cute exclamation mark again……! 

female emotion bursting forth

That was the last straw. The fact that he mentioned my use of exclamation points AGAIN, in that sexist context, was more than I could stomach. Then, searching through my Gmails to write about this, I discovered a few back-and-forths fromMay, 2008:

To plunge…
…or not to plunge.
Thank you for all the compliments. I like to think I write the way I talk…My friends all think I should be writing my memoirs. Maybe someday. Too busy living the now to write about the past…yet.
Well, zap me a photo and we’ll see, eh? I’m off to Austin (did I already tell you that?) on Wednesday but will be back a week later, celebrating my birthday at Continental (on the 28th) if you’d like to drop by!

(no subject)
Welcome home!
and happy birthday…

Thank you!
you’re welcome
I’m sure lots of love was imparted to you at your birthday bash
you have this lovable down to earthness
Does anyone else find this odd? I obviously forgot about our previous exchange, probably MOSTLY due to the fact that I never saw the guy’s face, so there wasn’t anything concrete to remember! Surely he must have recalled emailing me before? Or did my face blend in with the hundreds of other women he’s been emailing anonymously over the past three years? Either way, UGH! I sent him this email this morning. We’ll see what he says…
Okay, this is CREEPING ME OUT!
You obviously know me. And have known me for YEARS. WTF, dude?
I unearthed this email from you from way back in 2008. Creepy…
Who are you?

WTF Cupid! Part Deux

HOLY SHIT! I really need to have an online dating advice column! OkCupid occasionally lets me know that “Someone chose you on QuickMatch!” and they show me nine faces. Purportedly one of those nine give me “four or five stars” and the site encourages me to click on QuickMatch and rate men. If I give four or five stars to the same guy who rated me highly, it may be (yet another) match! Anyway, enough about the inner workings of OkCupid and on to ridiculing yet another stranger! And why I need to have that online dating advice column…

Here is an example of one enormous faux pas, probably the number one “online dating don’t”: Posting a photo of yourself with someone who you’ve chopped out of the picture. Um, wait. This guy didn’t just do a butcher crop job; he actually took a magic marker to the woman’s face! Oh joy! Something to look forward to! If it doesn’t work between me and “vaman 1951,” I can one day be the blacked-out photo too! Oy fuckin’ vey.

So okay, word to you online daters: Do NOT post a photo of yourself where a former significant other (or even a friend or relative) has been rudely cropped out or, even worse, scribbled on like some junior high school yearbook.

An image of vaman1951


53 / M / Straight / Manassas, Virginia
91%  Match  70%  Friend 27%  Enemy

Live This Moment Without Flinching, Live This Second Without Wincing, Live This Year In It’s Presences, And Just BE…. I stive to live that philosophy everyday….Carpe Diem! My manifesto is simple, yet very difficult to achieve…..I want to access and use my power and presence to…


WTF Cupid?

So in further adventures of online dating, see below for an exchange between myself and “Michael.” Our “numbers” are 46% Enemy 3% Friend 51% Match, not exactly auspicious. Any chance of a relationship — or even a coherent conversation — was pretty much zero right from the get-go, given that he lives in Florida, is in the military and doesn’t drink. I know it’s mean-spirited to have a laugh a someone else’s expense, especially a stranger’s. And one who is apparently well-intentioned. But it’s tough not to guffaw at how dense this guy is. Ya gotta hand it to him for his tenacity, though!

hi pretty
Jan. 13, 2011 – 10:24pm
I am Micheal…I am looking for a woman that is going to love me and trust me …Not a woman that is going to hurt me .
I would like to meet a woman that could 1st make me laugh and be a good friend, and that just wants simple things in life and are looking for a friend 1st and lover 2nd to spend time with. I believe after that, if two people are right for each other then they will get to know each other as they go along and work it out on the way and also Ill like to meet someone who still believes in opening doors for people and letting a man have his seat on the tube.
.Hope to read from you ..ASAP

Jan. 15, 2011 – 1:56am
Okay, so lemme get this straight:
You live in Florida, you’re in the military and you don’t drink.
Do you really think we would get along? If we were even near each other? Which we aren’t. I wish you all the luck in your search!

Jan. 15, 2011 – 2:48am
see i dont drink and that did not mean i can’t marry a woman that drink.Love pass all thing.And these is my last mission after these am retired and settle down to have a family..can you give me your IM so that we can know each other .thanks

Jan. 15, 2011 – 11:21am
No! A family? I’m 51! I can’t have kids! And do you speak English? Because your writing is atrocious! Please find someone for whom you are better suited!

Jan. 15, 2011 – 12:45pm
what did you mean????

Jan. 15, 2011 – 7:24pm
I mean I’m not interested.

Jan. 16, 2011 – 4:08pm
so what are you lookin 4??