Tag Archives: cougar

Blocking Body Shots

So. Really. Are there a million younger guys out there just chomping at the bit to chomp on older women’s bits? I have been fending off men half my age for weeks now.

If only men who are actually my age were so eager. In a perverse paradox of online seduction, old men want younger women and young men want older women. The problem with this upside-down dynamic is that sometimes old dudes marry blushing trophy brides. The converse is rarely true. Not that I’d want that. Ack.

What do I make of Metro 2010? He’s 31:
Ok… so I’ll have to charm you:) Those lips look mighty kissable…:)
How many shots before I have you naked in my bed kissing every inch of you?
Sorry but that body and eyes have me mesmerized. I wanna see you in that bikini up close:)
I wanna hear that voice. I bet it’s so sexy. I’d worship that body:) massage, kissing, licking, all of it!:)
i wanna do some body shots off of u mmm

And beyond what to make of him, why did I encourage him? I must’ve told him 10 times — well, every time I responded to his overtures — to visit me at the bar. Where I guess there actually might be a chance of him doing body shots off of me!

I spent 18 transatlantic hours chatting with a 21-year-old in Bristol about my tattoos, my marriage and what I look for in a guy. I’d say I was imparting wisdom but that’s hardly the case. I hardly imparted anything!
Which of your tats is your favourite?
When did you get your 1st tat?
What made you decide to get one?
May i ask why it ended?
Did you feel liberated when it did?
What kind of men are attractive to you?

We weren’t exactly discussing thermo dynamics. At least there was no chance of him showing up to, you know, do body shots off of me. Okay, I gotta go disappoint another youngster, this time from LA; he claims he could “get me to like him.” Uh-huh. To what fucking end?

More Men I’m Not Meeting

It’s been a while since I’ve updated you all on my dating ridiculousness, mostly because there hasn’t been much. The last date I went on discouraged me so much that I’m reluctant to do it again. Of course, my profiles are all still online so I keep receiving emails. They are, as always, hilarious. A few of the latest:

Another Youngster
would you ever consider seeing a 22 year old?
Seeing a 22-year-old for what? Dating? Marriage? Or just sex?
whatever you want. You seem like an open type….. I think it would be an interesting experienceI am an open type of person but don’t want to date someone just because dating me would be an interesting experience. I don’t like the idea of any sort of relationship being something you (or anyone) would just be checking off their list of “interesting things to do.”
so then you would just want sex?
Uh, no. I don’t want to be “an interesting thing to do” for anyone. If we were to meet and actually like each other, who knows what might happen. But you’re seeking older women…for what? To say you’ve been with an older woman?
No not at all. I just have an attraction to women who are older than me. All the girls my age who I meet just seem to be……incoherent or just…..too know it all. I don’t know. I’m sorry for saying it seems like an “interesting thing to do”. I’m glad I found you though…….
Well, come visit me while I’m working sometime. See if we even get along! 

I need to be honest with you, because I want you 
-I’m a virgin. I’ve got this huge shield of shyness blanketing me and so I’ve never asked a girl out. Don’t get me wrong, I talk to girls all the time. It just never turns into a relationship or sex. 
-I’m 5’8, average weight. 
– I won’t be home for 4 weeks. I’m a student studying abroad in Japan. I was hoping we could have conversations until then. 
I want to be completely open with you because, like I said, you seem like an open person who is accepting. I do hope that you will still consider me. You definitely seem like the type I’d like to meet.
Ok, well, email me when you’re in NYC and we can figure something out.
can we e-mail until then?
Can I see a photo?
I didn’t choose the best one, so you’d like me for maybe who i am instead of what i look like
ok so can i get your email address?
[Unfortunately, I sent the guy my phone number instead of my email address. And as he then pointed out, he’s in Japan. Whatever. Not like much would come of it anyway! I am addlepated!]

Mr. Neanderthal
Greg here new to area, how are you–happy Monday! Can you see me and my pic? love to talk…well, whats your name on yahoo or e-mail?–I am bigbigger1234@XXX.com … [Hmm, wonder what “bigbigger” refers to?] I can send other pics too. [I’m sure you can. What of, may I ask? Your “bigbigger?” No thank you!] Phone is easy way to chat too, ..to expedite this meeting thing, here is my cell 000-000-0000..yours? hope to talk soon! And.. well if I saw ya for the firsat time walking down street, what would I notice first( and second?..love to know) 🙂 Greg
again phone or e-mail is easiest..,lets connect!
Hi Greg,
You aren’t really in my area. You’re pretty far away. [His profile said Pennsylvania.] Do you work in NYC? Or visit often?
If you can make it into the city, I bartend on Wednesdays and Saturdays and it’s usually slow between noon and 3. Of course, this Saturday will be insane since it’s St. Patrick’s Day…
I don’t really do the chat thing and prefer to meet in person rather than talking on the phone. It only increases the intimacy and chances of disappointment.
MY CELL IS (484) 410-1341 [Again? Yeah, got it, thanks.] YOU? AND AM AT BIGBIGGER1234 ON XXX.
Turn off your caps lock.
And I already said I don’t like to chat or talk on the phone. Come by my bar tomorrow if you’d like to meet in person.
hmm what bar?
Double Down Saloon, 14 Avenue A. I’ll be there tomorrow noon till 8.
ok question your cute you curvy riught?. [Cute and curvy? Um, you saw the pictures. That’s for you to decide.] chesty too lol? [Chesty? CHESTY?! People still use that term? Are we living in the 50’s? Okay, pal-e-oh!]
Yeah, see ya! [That means goodbye, by the way.]
woman of few words.. so your a bartender..and talk there right.
why nopt talk on phone? [Did you not read why when I explained it earlier? Duh.]
i need to type… rather than talK! am a chest guy lol you look dd’s right?? 🙂 [Double Ds? WTF? Does this guy think he’s Dean fucking Martin? And now, for the inevitable…]
I’m not interested.
Thank you.

Neanderthal Squared!
72% Match
49% Friend
34% Enemy
[I felt compelled to include the photo here because, well, just look at it! Which one is joeycupid? Or is it a two-fer?]

hey sexy
Is that workin’ for ya?
And how about that photo? Which one is you? The one showing the bottom of his bare foot or the one with the cigarette hanging out of his mouth?
Open shirts showing guts? Are you auditioning for Househusbands of the Jersey Shore?

Mr. Smooth
hi our match is only 32% but I’d still be intersted in meeting err stalking at the Double Down 🙂 you look great !
Thanks, Frank! I’m there every Wednesday noon till 8!
ok so I have permission 🙂 I hate to stalk haha I’ll be out of town next wed but will go the following one then. what are you up to this weekend?
A friend coming into town tonight, cocktail party in my apartment Friday night, two parties Saturday night.
someone’s busy 🙂 [No, someone has a life.] how’s it been on the site-met a lot of guys? I can’t see you dating any guys older than you. love the tats btw. how many doyou have?
The site has been only okay. I don’t enjoy men older than me but don’t want to date men too much younger.
btw you’re in better shape than 25 year olds so keep doing whatever you’re doing!
Thank you! As for tattoos? I have a lot.
that’s awesome. I’m actually 43 to be honest. do you have a type? say tall dark or whatever. 
I can’t believe your writing gig isn’t going anymore. i thought that would never end. go figure! [My writing gig? Who is this guy? Does he know me?]
No, I don’t have a type. And you’re 43? Why are you saying you’re 34?
I sent this account up a while ago and never fixed it. hey at least I’m honest.
Honest enough to say you’re lying!
haha I guess you’re right. well can I still come in on Wednesday? at least I’m in your age range now. haha
Of course.
good have you ever dated some in their 30s or too young? where in town are you? I’m in the east village/stuy town. was in soho but got priced out of that place. (it was the ugliest building in soho haha but worked for me) 
I’m in the East Village.
Why does it matter if I’ve dated guys in their 30s if you’re in your 40s?
And no, I haven’t.
My rule is to not date anyone young enough to be my kid. But I’ve had sex with guys half my age.
[And that was the end of him. Bumbling imbecile.]