Tag Archives: Alec Baldwin

Headless in Manhattan

I dreamt I was giving Alec Baldwin a blowjob. This was weird for a couple reasons, the first being that I’m not much of an Alec Baldwin fan. I find him to be a bit bloated, both literally and figuratively, though I did appreciate his defense of Words with Friends. What made the dream more peculiar is that I haven’t given anyone a blowjob in a long time. Which is sad.

I’ve always been a big fan of the blowjob and fancied myself quite the professional. In fact, I have been complimented many times on my oral expertise. I prided myself on my technique, perfected over years of experience. Listen to me, speaking in the past tense!

Over the last few years I’ve had sex exactly seven times. Which is, frankly, pathetic. Of those seven encounters, only one entailed any remotely blowjob-like activity and that was unfortunately brief. From what I gathered in the (mostly drunken) moment, my partner was more interested in intercourse. Ah, so much for foreplay.

Blowjobs have always been the perfect one-night-stand sex, primarily because they are, to me, less intimate than intercourse. I can even keep my clothes on! Plus it’s gratifying to give someone an effortless orgasm. All he’s gotta do is stand there. Or lie there. (Lay there?) I certainly miss intimacy. But I also miss the adventure of picking up on someone and sucking his cock. Sigh.

I’d like to get back into the swing of meaningless sex but not too many guys are hanging out in bars hitting on 50-somethings. (Though last night I did manage to wind up making out with a random man…in a bar! I’ll credit Irene with offering up a few drops of her magic elixir, witch-crafted by Dori Midnight.) Mostly because there aren’t too many 50-something men in bars. At least the bars I go to. And though the idea of picking up on younger men may sound appealing, all I can think of is those horrifying “granny porn” movies, where wrinkly old ladies are being plowed by youthful porn studs. I don’t wanna be the wrinkly one! Even the word “mature” has taken on a new meaning: OLD. Yeah, I know, I AM! But I hate being referred to as “mature.” It’s a euphemism that’s more accurately a backhanded compliment. Besides, I’ve never really considered myself mature.

Anyway. So my goal is to give more blowjobs. Or at least one. I suppose one is a good place to start. Stay tuned. [And in an unrelated aside, why is WordPress suggesting that I tag this post with “Wrigley Field” and “Comcast SportsNet Chicago”? Hrmmm…]