Tag Archives: Advice

Living All Four Stages + RevJen

UPDATE

Ack! My blog was included in the “Burning Man in the World” email blast! Figures it would be on a day when I hadn’t written a complete post. At least they’re all being sent straight to the “Burning Books” piece. Whew! Guess I’d better get to it! See below the placeholder blather for today’s update.

Lame, I know…I never made it yesterday. And this is just a placeholder for today. I had a friend in from out of town and two different meetings yesterday. The friend saved me from slipping down the rabbit hole of oh-dear. (Yes, that’s me staying positive!) I’m grateful for her. Thanks, Shell Star!

In the meantime, you should read this: The Four Stages of Life, a blog post by Mark Manson. It really spoke to me… I feel like my life is all four stages simultaneously! Now, I need to hit the gym and sweat out some of this frustration!

Saint Reverend Jen Miller is an artist and actress, a performer, painter and poet. She’s an “elf girl” and a Lower East Side fixture. She posted this today on Facebook:
Modern Love Poem
I am addicted to Facebook.
I have like 5,000 friends on there.
Almost. Even so, I am lonely.
So lonely.
I don’t know who most of them are.
Some of them are Russian women in bikinis.
I don’t think I’ve met them.
Some of them are people (men, I’m guessing)
Who send me penis pics
Even though I have not requested a glimpse
I have several thousand friends on Facebook
Because I will friend anyone
As long as they don’t post about God or baking too much
Or brunch
I don’t care what the fuck you had for brunch
I can’t afford brunch
I can afford like one item off the dollar menu
What I can also afford is to open my heart
It’s a wallet full of hope
And love
I ain’t got shit
I’m in eviction court
Live in squalor
I don’t even wear underwear
Most of the time
Cuz I can’t afford to do laundry
I can’t figure out how to use this stupid ass phone
Or take pictures
Or selfies
Aren’t other people supposed to take pictures of you?
I’ll keep relying on it but I mostly despise technology
And all I want is to hear your voice
Make you laugh again
Feel your laughter
The way you feel a cat purr
Or a lazy dog snore
Or the wind vibrate against the windows
On a fall day like today
I wanna feel your warmth
Rest my lips on yours
Like my exhausted head
Resting on a pillow, dreaming
More than anything I want to hear your voice
So pick up the phone and fucking call me.

electra1I was just thinking about the whole phone call thing today so this really resonated with me. (Please forgive the new age-speak.) It seems that people rarely call each other anymore. They text “Do you have time to talk?” or “Okay to call?” before they even dare to call a friend’s cell. Soooo much is lost when communication is limited to texts and emails. It’s difficult to detect warmth or a smile in someone’s voice. Humor or sarcasm. Our lives are diminished by this lack of human contact, even if it’s just hearing someone’s voice. I’ve been attempting to connect with people in the physical plane — as in, in person — lately. I feel physically hungry for live conversation. Looks like I’m not the only one!

Anyway, back to RevJen.

51d6FgaLg-L._SX322_BO1,204,203,200_In addition to her many artistic talents, she runs The Troll Museum. She produces the legendary Anti-Slam. Her book, “Elf Girl,” was just published. She is the creatrix of the scandalous Mr. Lower East Side Pageant. Even the questionnaire for “dudes” on her web site is a fucking masterpiece. You should throw some of your cash her way because she’s funnier when she can afford to buy more beer!

Sunshine & Poetry

I had lunch today with The Poet. It was our most enjoyable afternoon yet. The first “date” was the most awkward, being a blind date and all. He brought me to tears. Our second meeting wasn’t really a date, since we’d decided that we’d be friends and nothing more. I brought him to tears. Today there were no tears. Just a whole lot of deep discussion, advice and conjecture. And lunch! And errands! And iced coffee in the park! It was probably the most beautiful day of the year and I was happy to have someone to share it with. It doesn’t hurt that The Poet says very nice things to me. (Or that he buys lunch. Thank you!)

He’s been a long-time reader of my blog and I asked for his advice on a specific situation that’s been kinda hangin’ me up and holdin’ me back. I’m not quite ready to act on his advice but at least I’ve got my motivations straight and know that when I do, my head and heart will both be in the right place.

For now, I’m feeling spent and ready to sleep. Another big day tomorrow of logistics at my sister’s new apartment, trying to get these two dogs adopted and a crafting gathering with friends to work on our Mermaid Parade costumes! For now, I’ll leave you with the latest from The Poet:

When I first met sweet Abby
She claimed forty-nine
As her age on a profile
Her pictures divine

We had a few laughs
And more serious thoughts
While chatting online
True lovers we sought

We talked of romance
And the smells of attraction
And of heartache and longing
Of desires and passion

We had two friendly lunches
On sunny weekdays
And then I soon learned
She had a birthday in May

The friends celebrated
No time for her slumber
They shared in her birthday
Seems fifty-two is the number

I must honestly say
That she looks great even now
She is sexy and stacked
Not a hint of a dowd

So when you see Abby
Tell her she smells great
And don’t be surprised
If she looks thirty-eight.

Conclusions…and How They Are Met

After a series of events, I’ve come to a few conclusions:

1. I’m not going to fall in love with anyone I meet online. It just isn’t going to happen. Looking back on all the relationships I’ve had — or even the one-night stands — each one depended quite heavily on an in-person attraction that simply cannot be replicated through the ether. As I’ve said before, none of my boyfriends would’ve appealed to me “on paper.” I needed to be in close proximity to them and that closeness led to romance. Had a dear friend fixed me up with any of these men, I would’ve rejected them,  even if only subconsciously, right off the bat. They wouldn’t have stood a chance. It was the moment-to-moment getting to know them that resulted in love. Or, in the case of my ex-husband, the moment-to-moment tête-à-tête that led to sex which, in turn, eventually resulted in love. All I can think about when I’m with these men — married or single, attractive or quirky, spectacular or less so — even while in the midst of making out with them, is “Can I fuck this person?” And unfortunately, inevitably, just the mere self-conscious self-asking question is immediately answered with a “No.” I can’t say why. But there you have it.

2. Men will take even a resounding NO as a yes. They never give up hope. This doesn’t require much more elaboration. I will add, however, that an offering of friendship, which from the offering end means, you know, the possibility of “friendship,” is translated on the male receiving end as “There’s a glimmer of hope for sex!” Un-uh. It means I find you interesting or entertaining or otherwise possessing desirable qualities that I want in a “friend.” End of story.

3. The internet offers an odd combination of anonymity and intimacy that allows us to say the most outrageous things to complete strangers! In what situation would you tell someone whose name you don’t know, whose face you’ve never seen, that you want to “fuck them til their eyeballs shake”? And in what social arena would this actually be a turn-on, coming from someone who you’ve never even seen a photo of? Is this courtship? Cause it sure as shit doesn’t feel like courtship to me. Sorry if that sounds prudish or provincial. But, well, what the motherfuck? I mean, really.

Below are a few rounds of communiqués that helped me come to these conclusions. My conversations with the poet, both in person and online, have also assisted me in realizing what I really want: to meet someone, in person, NOT online, and fall in love. There, I’ve said it.

So should I delete my profiles from the dating sites? I’m reluctant to do so only because they’ve resulted in a few great friendships, both male and female, the latter being introductions through the males I met online. It’s a big world out there. I seem to know half of it. I’m holding out hope that, even though I may not fall in love with anyone I meet online, they may introduce me to the person with whom I will feel that passionate connection. I soldier on, a cynical optimist…

Hi Jaded-est, 
I’m so sure you have the six pack hunks all over you, but I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed your profile explainations that you wrote! I kinda smirked and giggled a little because I could only imagine the pics that you have gotten! 
Listen, you seem to be a beautiful woman inside and out. I’m kind of a biker dude by night, engineer by day, so I’m not going to try to dazzle you with BS to try to impress you. I’d love to chat with you sometime just because your nature interests me and your pic caught my attention. But I’m certainly not the younger that your lookinng for nor do I have the six pack abs. But I can carry on a conversation in just about any mode.
Have a great week. even if I don’t hear from you, I am glad to have done this to contact you. Beautiful people in my circle is a very important thing for me. Hugs!
“Phil”

Thank you for your lovely, email, “Phil.”
May I ask if you’re really 50? Only because everyone on here lies…as I have. I’m 51, actually, and am about to turn 52.
This site is odd…I’m not quite sure what I’m looking for here…if what I find is an affair, as in an encounter with someone who is married (I’m not, don’t know if you noticed), it would have to be with someone UBER attractive to me. UBER. Ya know? Someone older wouldn’t work. Why bother? Someone too much younger? No thank you. I have a lot of “must haves” when it comes to jumping into bed with a virtual stranger. And I’m not sure that would ever even happen. But even to CONSIDER it…
So if you were single, I might consider meeting you to see if there’s any chemistry or to be, at the very least, friends. But really, be serious. You’re married, you aren’t down the street from me…I would bet your life doesn’t have much room for friendships with women you meet online, most especially THIS site. If we became friends, what would you tell your wife? Perhaps you are single, as some of the men I’ve met here are, even though they say they’re “attached.” It’s all so complicated.
Basically, I’ve come to the conclusion that a romantic, sexual relationship that begins online is more the stuff of TV commercials than reality. At least for me. I have two friends who are marrying people they met online. I can’t see it ever happening for me. Even sex with someone I meet online. After a few months of this crazy 21-st century dance, that’s where I’ve wound up.
So the fact that you’re able to carry on a conversation isn’t that appealing. I would hope that anyone I meet, ever, anywhere, would be capable of carrying on a conversation. Please forgive me for wanting more!
Again, thank you for writing. It isn’t easy putting yourself out there, so I appreciate the attention. Anything more, though, would just not make sense for me.
Best of luck to you!
A

Hi Jaded,
Well, I appreciate your honesty and it is the reason I contacted you in the first place. Well, I guess I’m not into games either. Yes, I am 50, gonna turn 51 this summer and yes, I am married, but in the middle of becoming single again. I’m here because I lack the closeness and passion that most people enjoy, but like you, I’m not into games and BS. So look hon, I understand you completely and if it doesn’t work for you it doesn’t work. I really wasn’t expecting even a reply from you, but since you did, my first impression was pretty much dead on. You’re a real person and I’m glad I tried to meet you. It is not upsetting that I’m not for you. But I will leave the possibility of being at least an online friend open.
So thank you for replying. You seem like a real nice person and can rest assured that this was not a drama driven or false contact. I don’t have the time to play games. I just want ot meet interesting people and bring them into my circle. I’m not just divorcing my wife, I am divorcing my life and it is a very humbling but exciting time for me.
Happy Wednesday! Good luck to you as well!

________________________

Subject:  Wow!
Nice pictures. You are an exotic princess! I am a fun-loving, gentle guy living and working in midtown during the week. I seek a friend to help me explore the city. Dinner and dancing a must! I hope you write back. 

Well, unfortunately it matters a LOT what you look like. Especially if you find me “an exotic princess” based solely on my photos. I mean, I’m flattered. But it’s so superficial.
I am certainly game for making new friends and can most definitely provide companionship for city exploration. The chances of sex, or anything physical, are probably about zero…even regardless of what you look like. That’s the conclusion I’ve come to after far too many months of online dating.
So, if you’re up for joining me on my adventures, or creating some new ones, with someone who will ONLY be a friend, sure. Though if you look like Santa, Methuselah, a troll or are otherwise visually objectionable, that won’t work…
Sorry to be so blunt. The internet offers an odd combination of anonymity and intimacy that allows us to say the most outrageous things to complete strangers!
Abby

____________________

Subject:  ho hum
Hi. .my name is Dwayne Goldstein. I’m a former priest turned orthodox jew who used to do amateur porn. My mother is balck and my father swedish. I do not own a mirror and I keep a small apt in warsaw. Normally when I go nude sunbathing I do it at the hotel pool, that I own. Different enough for you? Or have you done that too? I would think someone who’s “got it like that” that this site would have been your first destination. Everything is passe. You can message me back, if that’s trendy enough for you

Subject:  RE: ho hum
Um, okay….I’ll bite. Not sure how sarcastic you’re being but I’ll go with honesty… If your parents were black and Swedish, how is it you’re “caucasian?” Is any of that email true? Are you really single? Your turn. Oh, and how about a photo? Wondering why you wouldn’t post one if you are, in fact, single.
A

Subject:  RE: RE: ho hum
No none of that e mail is true. Except for the fact I’m single. I don’t have a pic on here in that I’m a mobile dj who does weddings and I can’t have my reputation tarnished. I can tell you where to see it if you like. As much as I love nyc I think maybe someone read in the Sunday times magazine that it was trendy to be blase about life. Just the same way they told everyone cupcakes and food trucks were invented in 2009. My pic is on my website [deleted]. Try it, if ur pilates instructor says its ok.

Subject:  RE: RE: RE: ho hum
Hah! Well, you are certainly sarcastic! Hah about the food trucks and cupcakes being invented in 2009. So ARE you single? Or married? Either way, how often do you actually get into NYC? Sorry, I’m a bit confused here…

Subject:  RE: RE: RE: RE: ho hum
I know. I know. The guy from ny1’s in the papers segment didn t tell you what to think next, so its understandable you’re confused. I am single. I am single. Use it as a mantra till you believe it. And I’m sarcastic. Anything else?

Subject:  RE: RE: RE: RE: ho hum
I come there about four times a yr to visit there since its my favorite spot in the world. And if I had more of a reason, as in fucking you so hard ur eyeballs shake, id be there more often. U r about three hours northeast of me.

Um, yeah. Well, MEETING me would have to happen LONG before you fuck me until my eyeballs roll.
Wow, thanks for the romance. Jesus what is this world coming to? Is that supposed to make me WANT to meet you? A quick clue: It doesn’t.
If you only get to where I happen to live three or four times a year, when, exactly, did you think we’d get together and actually get to know each other?
Holy shit. What am I doing on these fucking online dating sites? Oh, I know! WASTING MY TIME!

Going Negative?

Dating isn’t as easy once you hit 40. Or 50. Hell, nothing’s as easy. Accepting that you’re less than thrilled about being single — which is why we put ourselves through the dating process and subject ourselves to singles’ events — can feel like admitting a deficiency, something we should all be used to by now but that never gets any easier.

Chances are pretty good that anyone who is, let’s say, over 45 has been through the ringer. A few times. Whether that ringer is a failed marriage or just a failed relationship (or two…or three), it has probably hardened them in some way. We are a sum of our experiences and if there have been disappointments, it can be tough to separate our identities from those disappointments, to talk ourselves into feeling like winners when we feel more like losers. Eventually our failures can overwhelm us. Life, in general, may be weighing us down, of accumulating on us.

In addition to all the other crap that comes along with getting older, consider laying your ass on the line with a stranger — or a whole sequence of strangers — in search of elusive true love. It’s enough to make someone become a hermit. Or at least throw in the towel. But if you’re desperately resisting slipping into pessimism, if you’re one of the people bucking hermit-tude, and you’re dabbling in dating in your fourth or fifth decade, you’ve probably dragged along a good deal of baggage with you. I know it’s difficult to check that baggage. But if you don’t, you might be better off on your couch.

Many of the men I’ve met lately, either as potential dates or merely fellow singletons, have struck me as being somewhat sad sack. It isn’t a good look. I can’t say I blame them for being unable to put on a positive face. I’ve been finding it difficult to be positive myself.

One gentleman was an OkCupid date and we met for a beer. Somehow we started talking about his divorce and the conversation sort of spiraled downward. It’s tough to keep things happy and positive when you’re discussing custody battles or who’s to blame for the end of the relationship. I wound up wallowing a bit myself. Even when I attempted to lighten things up, the pall had already been cast. I eventually wrote to the guy and apologized for a not-so-great date and gently suggested that perhaps he wasn’t quite ready to enter the shark tank of dating quite yet. He never responded.

Another instance, another OkCupid dude: After chatting on the phone a while, he suggested that we meet at a wine bar. Never mind that it says right on my profile that I hate wine. I was willing to overlook his disregard as an indication of nervousness. But when we met, he hardly said a word. I do believe one of his utterances was along the lines of “I’m probably not exciting enough for you.” Even though that was, in fact, totally true and incredibly obvious, it didn’t mean I couldn’t enjoy his company, there, in that moment. Why did he need to sabotage himself?

And then there’s the sad sack who just can’t seem to crack a smile. A recent acquaintance at a recent event seemed like a totally cool guy. For a few moments I managed to engage him in something that excited him. But he spent most of the evening with a long face. I don’t think he was miserable; he could’ve left at any point. He just looked…beaten down by life. It’s tough to explain. I think maybe he could’ve used a pep talk…or some sort of ego boost!

At least these men are putting themselves out there. They haven’t given up or abandoned their sense of optimism. They haven’t completely succumbed to staying at home…alone. However, sometimes they aren’t necessarily doing themselves a service. They certainly didn’t get a second date.

So what to do to avoid coming across like a sad sack? If you aren’t feeling particularly social, it might be a good idea to stay home, because the you you’ll be putting out there won’t be the best. If there’s something you aren’t comfortable with — your weight, your employment status, even your wardrobe — fix it before you enter the fray. Sharing your insecurities once you’ve established a relationship can be endearing; sounding less than confident on that initial encounter, not so much. Keep whatever conversations you start as upbeat as you’re capable of. Don’t discuss your divorce, your dreaded ex or your crappy day at the office — if you still have an office. No need to keep all the ugly stuff a secret; just do your best not to dwell on it.

Well those are a few gentle suggestions. I have plenty more to say about how to show up for a date or at an event, so stay tuned!

WTF Cupid! Part Deux

HOLY SHIT! I really need to have an online dating advice column! OkCupid occasionally lets me know that “Someone chose you on QuickMatch!” and they show me nine faces. Purportedly one of those nine give me “four or five stars” and the site encourages me to click on QuickMatch and rate men. If I give four or five stars to the same guy who rated me highly, it may be (yet another) match! Anyway, enough about the inner workings of OkCupid and on to ridiculing yet another stranger! And why I need to have that online dating advice column…

Here is an example of one enormous faux pas, probably the number one “online dating don’t”: Posting a photo of yourself with someone who you’ve chopped out of the picture. Um, wait. This guy didn’t just do a butcher crop job; he actually took a magic marker to the woman’s face! Oh joy! Something to look forward to! If it doesn’t work between me and “vaman 1951,” I can one day be the blacked-out photo too! Oy fuckin’ vey.

So okay, word to you online daters: Do NOT post a photo of yourself where a former significant other (or even a friend or relative) has been rudely cropped out or, even worse, scribbled on like some junior high school yearbook.

An image of vaman1951

vaman1951

53 / M / Straight / Manassas, Virginia
91%  Match  70%  Friend 27%  Enemy

Live This Moment Without Flinching, Live This Second Without Wincing, Live This Year In It’s Presences, And Just BE…. I stive to live that philosophy everyday….Carpe Diem! My manifesto is simple, yet very difficult to achieve…..I want to access and use my power and presence to…

 

Learning New Relationship Strategies at The Love In

The Transformational Warriors are relationship gurus who counsel singles and couples in all aspects of sex and love. Though I’ve watched them from afar for years, I had never felt I needed their advice. Recently single, I decided now was the time to hear what they had to say and attend one of their “Love Ins.” No, it isn’t your usual singles scene or even nightlife, really, but in a city full of liquor and lost souls, a bit of enlightenment sounded refreshing. If a bit intimidating!

Shanti and Arjuna began the class with an introduction of who they are and how they came to be “superheros saving the world from boring relationships,” then invited us to introduce ourselves. Those in attendance ranged surprisingly in age and gender, race and nationality, sexual preference and practice, even relationship status. Some were new to not only The Transformational Warriors but to New York as well. Others appeared to be “regulars.” Quite a mixed bag!

The “Love In” was held in the living room of a private apartment and event venue, Sexy Spirits, on Eighth Ave. and 55th St. It is a comfortable space with a cozy fireplace and homey atmosphere, if a bit, well, perhaps too homey. I personally prefer more “professional” venues but for this sort of thing it seemed appropriate. Plus the fact that Shanti and Arjuna met each other in the very same room, at a similar event, less than a decade ago certainly counts for something!

The bulk of the two-and-a-half hours was spent participating with fellow seekers in one-on-one exercises that focused on gratitude and what we’re seeking in the intimacy arena. Students were almost alarmingly forthcoming with intimate information, myself included! The promise of “learning how the other half thinks” was delivered on in another group activity. If that’s something that happens at every Love In, it’s worth a repeat visit just to hear more!

After the guided exercises the couple held a wrap-up Q&A session. “Cross talk” was discouraged, which was both a bad thing (I find it difficult to keep my mouth shut) and a good thing (it helped maintain their “expert” positions and prevented us from being subjected to advice from each other, something that often happens in group “encounter”-like situations such as these). Lastly we gave a few final words of gratitude. It wasn’t so scary after all!

Before departing we were informed of upcoming seminars. The next “Love In” will take place in late January. December’s alternate offering will be the “Scrooge Shop,” a two-hour event that Arjuna characterizes as more “work” than their usual “play,” designed to help you confront your holiday ghosts and off-load your Santa’s sac-worth of baggage. If the season has you feeling all bah humbug about love and relationships, let The Transformational Warriors inspire some ho-ho-holiday cheer!

More info at TransformationalWarriors.com.

Scared Sexless

This is very difficult for me to write. I am currently feeling terrified.

Terrified.

It is an emotion I’m not overly familiar with. I enjoy putting myself in odd and uncomfortable situations. I believe that the unfamiliar offers an opportunity to stretch boundaries. So while I have often felt nervous or apprehensive, I don’t usually feel afraid.

But lately I have felt nothing but fear. It is a fear of many things: getting old, being alone, and the combination of the two. I’m afraid about having no health insurance…and losing my health. I’m afraid of having no job and of never finding one. I’m afraid of having no money, no savings…and no credit. It is all conspiring to paralyze me.

Mixed in with the fear of being alone…forever…is the fear of never having sex again. Ever. “Don’t be ridiculous,” my friends tell me. They all think I’m being dramatic.

I haven’t had sex in six months. That about ties my previous “record” of how long I’d gone without sex. Let me start by saying that six months ago I had a boyfriend. Today, I don’t. Sex with this man was everything I’d ever dreamed sex should be: passionate, warm, comforting, occasionally daring or dangerous, spontaneous or mysterious, all of it. His skin was  soft, his muscles firm;  I loved the smell of him, the taste of him, the feel of him. Walking…anywhere, and holding his hand made me so happy I can’t describe it. Sleeping with him, with or without the sexual act, felt like home. Our bodies fit together perfectly; spooning was transcendent. As I sit here typing this I can’t even imagine my life without him. And it has been. For six months. That isn’t likely to change. Ever.

My fears are very much caught up in the loss of this man. But they also involve many other things. My age is probably the scariest thing. I am 51. I was 50 the last time we were together, a terrifying benchmark that delineates, for society if not for me personally, the “end game” of life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have heard the stories, read the books and articles: sex after 50 and how awesome it can be. It sounds to me like they’re trying to convince themselves as well as others. Vibrant, new age-y women crowing about how much better sex is once you’re “of a certain age.” Frankly, I can’t imagine sex being any better than it’s been…with this man…ever. And I can’t begin to tell you how sad and scared that makes me.

The thought of getting used to someone new, of becoming comfortable — naked! — with a new lover, is more than I can bear. As someone who has, in the past, engaged in promiscuity almost as a sport, this may sound completely ludicrous. And I can’t explain it. Why would something that once happened so easily, almost without thought, become so scary? But it has. Is.

Contributing to these fears is my past: It seems that every man I meet makes the assumption that merely because I’ve written erotica, sex toy reviews, etc., and hostessed unusual soirees, that  moments after shaking his hand I should be prepared to jump in bed with him. Which is most certainly NOT the case. Especially now. Aside from the abject fear of bursting into tears because any man is not THAT man I have a whole host of other concerns. And many of them are physical. Which may make them baseless when looked at objectively. But they loom, nevertheless.

Over the past year or two, my body feels foreign to me, like someone else’s entirely. My skin feels less taught — not that it ever felt all THAT taught to being with. It hangs off my frame “like the secret laundry of angels,” to quote Pat Conroy. Everywhere I touch myself feels strange, and not in a good way. I don’t smell the same way I used to, oddly. Everything’s creaky or weakening or weird. Orgasm isn’t as easily achieved. Lubrication is elusive. Blahblahblah. I can barely bring myself to masturbate.

This man…THAT man…was with me pretty much through the entire process of menopause, from the hateful hot flashes and rabid increase in libido to the less lubricated, comfort-seeking stage. Now that I am “on the other side,” and alone, I don’t know what to expect. I haven’t found anyone — NO ONE! — who has appealed to me sexually. Which is probably the scariest thing of all! I don’t know if it’s a total lack of libido or merely my fears. Even through those “dry spells” of no sex in the past, I was always at least attracted to people…to someone. Now the mere idea of making out with someone almost makes me physically ill.

Is this a phase? Will it pass…eventually? I keep hoping that tomorrow, next week, sometime soon — though certainly not soon enough! — a new man will cross my path and make all this seem laughable in retrospect. Everything I read assures me this will be the case and that feeling the way I do will only prolong the process. So how to turn this all around? How to keep myself from dissolving into a puddle of tears every time I think of intercourse? I guess it will take time…time I don’t feel like I have. Or perhaps patience. Another thing I’m not too experienced with. Either way I will attempt to embrace my solitude until true and enduring love presents itself. Along with the sex…