Category Archives: Rant

Addendum

So yeah, my OKCupid account has been “fixed,” as their email alerted me. Not like it was “broken.” They were just being OKStupid. As an addendum, I wrote to them in response to this line in their correspondence with me: “We also make sure that everybody using OkC for event stuff is actually a legitimate OkC/Match.com partner (it’s a safety/legitimacy thing) which I hope you understand.”
Well, thank you for reinstating my account.

And for the record, I applied, via your web site, TWICE to be a host for your “events.” Being a cranky old lady, it makes me even crankier that ALL the events are for young people. I probably don’t need to point out to you (since I’m assuming you are “young” and NOT anywhere near MY age) that “young” people don’t need events to meet each other. They meet each other ALL THE TIME! Those of us over 50, however, DO need “events” because most people have given up and don’t ever leave the damn house.

Anyway. Back to sorting out the scammers from the real humans on your site.
Thanks again!

And ya gotta love the “safety/legitimacy” bit. Guffaw. As though any event is more “safe” than another. Or “legitimate.” I am tempted to show up at their offices and present myself as their newest event producer. “Here I am! Ready to go to work creating exciting events for people who aren’t fucking 30!” I mean seriously…

Vindicated!

Ah, the sweet taste of victory! Coupled with the influence of righteous indignation! The power-mad millenials at OKCupid have seen the error of their ways and reinstated my account. After they accused me of soliciting, I continued the dialogue, pointing our how ridiculous that accusation was. Here’s how it unfolded after my previous post:

What am I soliciting?

“I’m producing an event on Feb. 17 that I think you might enjoy. It isn’t a singles’ party (or a couples’ party) but there are components that I think will be appealing to people who are “seeking.” Even if they aren’t sure what, exactly…
I hope you can make it!
Abby “

Etc etc.

You cannot be serious. The events I produce are happy hours and live performances. I’d be happy to show you my Facebook events. “Seeking” means many things to different people. Clearly the person who reported me wishes he were receiving invitations to something a bit more exciting.
Whatever.
I waste so much time reporting fake profiles on your site it isn’t even worth it. You people should be paying more attention to actual scammers and less to idiots who don’t know what they’re talking about. My sex party days are FAR behind me. I’m 56 fucking years old, fer crissakes. FIFTY SIX YEARS OLD! Even Annie Sprinkle has moved on. Wow.

I am not saying you are a scammer, and I am not being judgey at all, but the rules we have to enforce for everybody say:

“Unique and bona fide profile
You agree to create only one unique profile. In addition, in order to maintain the integrity of the Website, by joining, you agree that your use of the Website shall be for bona fide relationship-seeking purposes (for example, you may not use the Website solely to compile a report of compatible singles in your area, or to write a school research paper). “

Really, what you were doing isn’t dating – And people (a LOT of people reported you as a scammer) – So they would complain if we didn’t ban you as well. We also make sure that everybody using OkC for event stuff is actually a legitimate OkC/Match.com partner (it’s a safety/legitimacy thing) which I hope you understand. If you want to use OkC to date, seek people for friends etc then you are welcome to – But stick with craiglist etc. for advertising events, please?

Advertising events?
I ask people I meet on OKC if they are interested in joining me for events, some I produce and/or promote, others I attend. I invited one guy to a fundraiser for the Lower East Side Girls Club. Is that against the rules? What about a fundraiser for Figment? If I’m producing it?
I’m about as far from a scammer as it’s possible to be. A real human, actually interested in meeting people, as friends — at the very least. I’ve met friends on here. Go read my emails.
There is nothing I’d like more than to meet someone and fall in love. I have three friends who I helped with their profiles on OKC and they eventually married. Three success stories. I sure wish I was one. Being 56 and single sucks more than I can describe. I’m sure you cannot begin to relate.
But if you seriously believe I have been using your site for the sole purpose of — well, whatever you think I’m using it for — then by all means, ban me. However, you could not be more wrong.
There was a time when I produced two weekly events. For seven years! Fetish parties, rock parties, sex parties. As I said, those days are far behind me. I now co-produce a few events annually: Night of a Thousand Stevies, a Stevie Nicks tribute night; Ghostlight, a Halloween Eve fundraiser for HOWL Help; and the Figment fundraiser. I get paid for two of the three, minimally. I also help organize weekly happy hours for the Burning Man community. I don’t get paid for this work. I am often hired to emcee events, most recently the third birthday bash for Batala NYC, an all female Brazilian style drum group.
Hardly Heidi Fleiss. If that reference even means anything to you.
One man I met on OKC is helping the House of Yes with their build out. We’ve been friends for a few years now. His life is more interesting now than it was before he met me…a different sort of success story. I’ve invited a lot of guys to a lot of things. It’s sad that any of them would call me a scammer for those invitations. Really sad. And I’m sure they have sad little lives. Thankfully, I don’t. So I’ll be fine without OKCupid.
And I’ll say it one more time.
You are wrong.
So, dear readers, that’s how the situation unfolded. They’ve seen fit to let me back into their cesspool of dick pix and scammers. Oh hooray! Over the seven years as a “member,” I’ve been booted off twice now. I’ve dealt with so many scammers I can’t count them. (I initially posted on here about the illiterate men on OKC but those weren’t potential suitors, they were scammers, looking to coax me out of cash. HILARIOUS!) Though I’ve met a few men whose company I enjoyed, not many were willing to cultivate an ongoing friendship. I can’t really see much benefit from the site; I’m not one to go begging for free meals…not my style. I think I’ve had about one for each year…each time insisted upon by my date. I’ve even paid for my own coffee on a number of occasions. The sole reason for remaining a “member” is to continue regaling you with my hysterical tales of dating disasters. So I guess I’ll keep on “soliciting” and see what happens! And I’ll be sure to “advertise my events” on Craiglist. Guffaw.

Booted Off Of OKCupid…Again

Apologies (again) for my absence. It’s been a busy month! Hopefully happy news soon. I felt compelled to post today, despite the craziness, because I’ve been booted off of OKCupid. Again!

The first time it happened I wasn’t given a reason. They never even responded to my emails asking why. I forged on, created a new profile, figuring perhaps posting party invites to strangers had pissed someone off. This time, however, I sent an email asking why I’d gotten the boot and received a response:

Hi Abby,
I have reviewed your profile and unfortunately you have been banned. I’m very sorry, but solicitation of any sort is a violation of our usership policy. Thank you for your continued interest in OKCupid, but the decision to ban you is irreversible.
Yours truly,
Emilia

Um. SOLICITING? For what? Sex? Isn’t that the whole point of online dating? Okay, being serious now. I was most definitely not soliciting. Anything. Because, believe me, if I were, they’d know it. I don’t do anything vaguely. Here’s my profile, as it stood at last edit:

Please be open to MEETING and the possibility of being FRIENDS. Finding that elusive “chemistry” is rare. But I can honestly say that every man I’ve “befriended” on this site now has a far more exciting and interesting life than he did before meeting me. If you don’t believe that, I’d be happy to connect you for an honest conversation. Who doesn’t want to expand their social circle? The chances of finding romance online aren’t the best. Meeting new people will always result in meeting MORE new people. Meaning, if you and I don’t “click” perhaps you might with a friend of mine. Or I will with a friend of yours. It’s a big world. If that sounds appealing to you, please read on!

A very close friend died recently and it has made me reevaluate. I am not desperate, just determined. If you can’t meet up within a week of us contacting each other, please don’t bother. Life is too fucking short. I’m tired of this site and I’ve never been a fan of dating.

So there you have it. Let’s meet, figure out of we want to fuck each other and take it from there, shall we? Seriously. That’s about all it boils down to.

It doesn’t matter a damn what music you like or what you read. You’ll be on your side of the bed reading what you read and I’ll be on my side of the bed reading what I read. I’ll listen to whatever the hell you want to listen to. Food? Whatever. It’s sustenance, not an art form. For me, anyway. Happy to consume your art form, if that’s your thing. Happier to consume your thing. Haha!

Anyway, none of you read this shit. You look at the photo, think, “Yeah, I’d fuck that,” and you click. I wish it were as simple for women. It’s more simple when I’m less sober. So let’s see who responds to THIS version of my “profile.”

The rest of the profile is pretty much the same as it’s been for ages. After six long years of receiving dick pix and “I’d fuck that”s, between the big bellies and bigger egos, selfies with dirty toilets in the background and dudes who couldn’t spell their way out of a paper bag, not to mention the hundreds — HUNDREDS — of scammers and fake profiles and total wastes of time, I’m embarrassed that I was even still on the damn site. Well, now I’m not. Because some asshat decided I was “soliciting.”

That is not only fucking hilarious, it is decidedly uninformed. Hey OKCupid! Here’s what soliciting looks like:

“Hi, my name is Abby. I’m 55 years old (almost 56). My flesh is hanging off my bones like wet laundry. My wrinkles are deep enough for you to white water raft through. I can count the number of times I’ve gotten laid in the last five years on one hand. I really don’t have much of a libido anymore and the thought of sucking some dude’s cock makes me want to retch. Ready to pay me for my sexual services? I’m having a big sale this week! Hurry, my time is running out!”*

Aside from the fact that “soliciting” is illegal, my profile’s verbiage made no mention of money. However, here are a few links to women who are offering their companionship for cash. Since you’re running a dating site and not an escort site, perhaps you need to learn the difference.
Slixa
Eros
Oymotherfuckingvey!

* Oh, and bee-tee-dubs, that paragraph up there is satire. It is NOT intended to be taken seriously as solicitation. Not that any rightminded person would…

Tall Order, Short Fuse

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, than I am completely out of my mind. I continue to meet up with strange men from online dating sites. I haven’t fallen in love yet. What on earth makes me think that the next guy will be different? Better? Lovable? Or even fuckable? Oy vey. And I KNOW I’ve said this before!

I’m an optimist. I’ve been trying to remain positive. I’m…tenacious. But LOOK AT THIS, WILL YOU?

434245032040174339WHAT in this man’s WILDEST imagination makes him think this is the best photo to lead with? Granted, at least he isn’t obese. Should I be grateful? Turned on? I mean, LOOK AT THOSE FUCKING UNDERPANTS! HOLYFUCKINGSHIT!

Okay, let me get a grip on myself. And yes, I know men don’t call them “underpants.” But the way he has them hiked up — no doubt to better showcase his “package” — they look more like granny panties than “briefs.” Ack. Where is this guy’s face? He doesn’t show us his face. Just his hairy belly. It is BREAKING MY BRAIN!

Last night I met a man from OKCupid. He made initial contact, saying he was impressed by my “direct approach.” (I’d recently updated my profile to cut through all the bullshit.) He suggested meeting at a craft beer bar in Hells Kitchen. When I said it was a little far afield for me as well as a bit fancy, beer-wise, he suggested a second craft beer bar also in Hells Kitchen. Uh, thanks for picking up on my desire to drink somewhere that isn’t a craft beer bar. Or not in Hells Kitchen. But, as it happened, I was going to be in Hells Kitchen the following day. Would he like to get together sooner?

He showed up and I knew immediately it was a mistake. Khaki cargo pants, pockets and all. White sneakers. And a stupid cap. I told myself, well, just be open to meeting someone new. Roll with it. Awkward conversation ensued. He seemed to believe he was cooler than me. Which, hey, is fine. When he decided to cut through the bullshit and asked, “So, what do you think?” I knew he meant, “Are we gonna fuck?” (Because that was, more or less, what I’d put into my updated profile.) “I don’t think so,” I told him. I softened the blow by saying something along the lines of “I may never want to fuck anyone ever again.” Probably not totally accurate, even if it is how I’ve been feeling lately. “So I shouldn’t take it personally?” he asked. “No,” I told him. What was I supposed to say? I can’t stand your stupid cap? I hate cargo pants? White sneakers are unacceptable unless you’re Jax Teller? And, oh, did I forget to tell you that he’d asked me if I was into erotic asphyxiation? No? Oops. Cause, yeah. Within minutes of sitting beside me. I was, like, “Is that the kind of question you ask a half-beer into a first date?” He assured me it was. “Isn’t that, perhaps, something you might want to mention on your profile?” I asked. He said he preferred to spring it on people. “How’s that workin’ for ya?” was my next question. “I’ve had a few converts,” he confided, cockily. Uh, I highly doubt it. Most women are wary enough about meeting strange men for a drink. Jumping right into letting a guy choke the breath out of them probably isn’t next on the list after a fucking Cosmo. Anyway. After I told the guy he should be trolling on FetLife instead of luring vanilla women into Hells Kitchen craft beer bars, he paid his tab and disappeared. Asshole. And today he emailed my friend! Here’s her response:

I am very choked up you wrote me. Seems you had a FIRST meeting with a friend of mine where you wanted to know if you could do the same. NOT cool, not cool at all. Before you go asking for this deadly kink, you better know the person you are asking, or get on a website where you can find someone to indulge you safely. Wouldn’t go near you, and hope none of my friends on this site do either.

And speaking of dudes who think they’re into 50 Shades of Stupid, I met another guy Friday night whose profile noted that he has a “bad boy side.” When he emailed me, he asked if I’d read his profile. Yes, I told him. All three sentences of it. “And?” he asked. “And what?” I responded. “I don’t ‘do boring’ either.” I guess he was eager to see what I thought of his bad boy reference.  “Are you a criminal? In jail? Or just kinky? Spell it out!” He admitted to being kinky. “I don’t do boring either,” I told him, and suggested he Google me. “I’ve dabbled as a dominatrix, worked in porn, hosted sex parties. Takes a lot to shock me,” I told him. “Me too” he enthused. I assumed he meant it takes a lot to shock him, since I didn’t think he couldn’t cop to any of the other stuff. “MFM, FMF, GB, DP,” he burbled. Uh, threesomes isn’t exactly BDSM. But whatevs. Love your alphabet soup, dude.

When we met in person, I asked him what, exactly, sort of play he’d engaged in. He shyly admitted to spanking a girlfriend once or twice. Oh man. Quite the aficionado! Not that I’m looking for Mr. Grey to see me now. I couldn’t care less about kink. I’d be happy to have someone to spoon with. It doesn’t seem like such a tall order but, well, you can see what sort of men I’m dealing with here.

Bitch vs. Chicken Shit

Just a quick note:

I never really know who reads this blog. I can check stats and monitor comments but stats aren’t very specific and comments can be made from fake email addresses. In the past I’ve posted about receiving death threats and being stalked. Well, stalked might be too strong a word; what would you call it when someone anonymously sends you letters and gifts in the mail? In each instance, I can only assume that these people — the threatener and the package-sender — were reading — and reacting to — this blog. I am not a word-mincer in my day-to-day life and I’m most definitely not a word-mincer in this blog. Anyone who’s read more than one post knows this. So I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised if it elicits strong responses.

Well today I elicited yet another strong response. I received an anonymous voicemail message from a blocked number. The message? You’re a bitch. A bitch.

Okay, anyone who’s read my blog also knows that I am a self-professed bitch. A cranky old cunt. And a whole lot of other bad words that a stranger’s name-calling only reinforces. And confirms. In other words, not a surprise.

So yeah. Just thought I’d let whoever that was know that I am fully aware of my bitchitude, thankyouverymuch. You won’t hear me defending myself or protesting any negative labels. Or, heaven forbid, apologizing. For anything. In other words, go fuck yourself. And grow a pair. Because anonymity is the refuge of the cowardly. I also won’t bother asking you to identify yourself because anyone who goes to the trouble of punching in the appropriate numbers to make an anonymous call is too much of a pussy to speak their mind publicly.

I could easily punch in the appropriate numbers to block anonymous calls. But what fun would that be? I wanna know when I’ve hit a nerve, even if said nerve belongs to someone too chicken to own their opinion.

Aside

Over the past year I’ve felt increasingly overwhelmed by the number of crowdsourcing requests I receive. Obviously this is mostly because crowdsourcing is fairly new. Secondly, as a member of “the Burning Man Community,” I know hundreds of people doing … Continue reading