Category Archives: Opinion

Ousted by OKCupid

Well, I guess it’s official (though not through any assistance from the site): OKCupid has booted me. People looking at old emails from me see “Sorry, EditrixAbby no longer has an account.” Initially it said, “This user has deleted/disabled their profile.” I’d like to say that while the former is true the latter most definitely is not. I didn’t disable or delete my profile, OKStupid did.

A while back I was almost banned for “soliciting.” I can’t seem to find my post here about the incident but one of the men I’d been emailing with let me know. Apparently he’s one of the site’s “judges” and his opinion was that I was not, in fact, soliciting. Which I wasn’t. I was corresponding with a guy who was interested in being dominated and I let him know that while I’ve dabbled, it wasn’t really something I was all that interested in personally. The way I put it included the words “for money” and he took that to mean that I wanted him to pay me. What it meant was that the only way I would consider what he was looking for was “for money” and that therefore he should look elsewhere. He reported me, I guess, and I came close to getting the boot.

This time I was actually asking for money, but not in exchange for sexual favors. Or a spanking. Many of the men I correspond with seem nice enough, even if they hold no interest for me romantically, and I often inquire if they might be interested in attending one of my singles’ events. Most say yes. I mean, why not, right? And since OKCupid’s “Events” are designed primarily for younger members, I figure I’m offering a valuable service. Seems OKCupid doesn’t agree. I had sent out details about my upcoming Heart Palpitations event to a bunch of guys, inviting them to attend. There’s a $10 cover charge. I guess that somehow this translated to solicitation. Or some such. Ah well…that’s really a shame, since it seems like many of these men don’t get out much. It would’ve been a perfect opportunity for them to meet a bunch of interesting new people — not to mention me! — and maybe learn a few things about love. Sigh.

Maybe a few of them will Google me and find this. In any event, it might’ve been nice if OKCupid had let me know that I have, indeed, been banned, rather than just making it seem like the site isn’t working. It’s pretty crappy customer relations. Guess it’s time to get serious and join Double sigh…

Replies Often

When a man contacts me on OKCupid I often reply. I am, therefore, ranked as someone who “Replies Often.” I would put my percentages at about 98%. Those other 2%-ers don’t hear from me either because I’m distracted or busy or…just can’t think of anything nice (or smartass) to say. In other words, I can almost always think of something to say.

Which, you might think, is a good thing. It is, in fact, a bad thing. A VERY bad thing. It means I respond to men I don’t find appealing. Men who probably copied-and-pasted the same overture to me and about 100 other women. Men who are 25 years my senior. Or junior. And men who live in Alaska. Worst of all are the men who are encouraged by my reply, even if I say, as politely as possible, that I’m not interested.

Such a cyber-courtship unfolded today. After a number of “No, thank you”s, G. persevered. This time I was less polite. He wrote “Let’s talk” and gave me his number. I envisioned this exact two word directive sent off to dozens of unread profiles and replied, more curtly than in the past: “Not interested, sorry.” And then got roundly chastised. I (stupidly) backpedaled and suggested that if he was that interested, he was welcome to come visit me at work. Which he did. And he was as unappealing in person as he had been online. But he eyed me salaciously and told me, “You look goooood.” Uh, yeah, thanks. I think.

Let me tell you, gentlemen, that though women are almost always flattered to be flattered, basing your “interest” in us on looks alone reduces us to a slab of meat in a deli display. This particular gentleman made no references to my profile when he emailed me or when he showed up in person. He did, however, make reference to my photos. I felt like an ice cream sundae. Which, I will admit, would’ve been awesome if the ogling had been working both ways. But it wasn’t.

I had asked him, after his chastisement, “And you are interested in me, why? Our match percentages are pretty low. Do we have anything in common?” His reply gave no indication of what he saw in me. And aside from appearing to be pleased with how I looked in person, he didn’t share any of his reasons for choosing me when he sat across the bar from me, either. So when he leered, “Now that we’ve done the look-see thing, how about a real date?” I painfully, politely declined.

Now, you don’t need me to tell you that rejection is more easily taken through the ether. It is what makes online dating so appealing. Everyone gets to do the rejecting from the comfort of their own home. In person, ouch. So I wasn’t surprised that he left abruptly, before I had a chance to say goodbye. And I was even less surprised when he immediately sent me a flurry of rude emails, culminating with “You are not as hot as I had hoped.” Ah, good thing. How sad if he’d been rejected by someone really hot!

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. Abby, you callous cunt. The guy came all the way to your bar and you shut him down! Well, I tried, repeatedly, to dissuade him. Would it have been better if he’d spent $50 on dinner? I guess the next time I’m not interested, I’d best not respond. Soon I will be branded with the fearsome “Replies Selectively.” So if you don’t hear from me, you’ll know why!

Senior People Meet Still Sucks. And Our Time is the Same Shit.

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing, over and over, and expecting different results, then I’m outta my mind. Yes, I decided to reactivate my account on SeniorPeopleMeet, which is also being marketed as OurTime (which is beyond misleading…BEYOND). It is still a sordid cesspool of illiterates, cretins and men who apparently haven’t been on a date in decades.


I would say that this photo of “CultureStyle” says it all. But then there was this genius:

He Said:

You Said:
The fact that you need to ask sort of points out how incompatible we would be.
Thank you for your interest, though, and best of luck in your search!

He Said:

 You Said:
If you want to know the meaning of a word, use the INTERNET AND LOOK IT UP!
Move along.
He Said:
Oh, I’ll get lost, all right. This one’s for you, Wendy. I’m SORRY if I want to date men who can SPELL. Who know how to use a FUCKING APOSTROPHE! I am obviously WAY too PICKY and I am DOOMED to be SINGLE FOREVER! Seriously, how is it that so many men can be this socially inept?
To balance things out, I will say that I had an OKCupid date Sunday that was very pleasant. We got coffee and strolled through the flea market, each of us buying a few things and conversing while we perused. There wasn’t much chemistry or even a whole lot of “friendship” type connection but it wasn’t awful. He didn’t do anything to make fun of, complain about or be appalled by. This is to support my “I’m capable of being a human being” argument; if it doesn’t lead to true love, or even another date, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. If falling in love were easy, there wouldn’t be online dating sites. Everyone would just wind up with their best friend’s partner’s best friend and that would be that!
But since that isn’t how it works, I soldier on, battling the bumblers and fumblers, the ALL CAPS USERS, the distant and dimwitted, the lost and the losers. I know there’s a man out there somewhere who will be the yin to my yang, who’ll “get me” and who I’ll get right back. And he might even be on OKCupid. But I’m pretty damn sure he isn’t on SeniorPeopleMeet. Or OurTime, which is the same damn site with slightly less embarrassing graphics.

Final Thoughts on 2012’s Final Day

As 2012 winds down, it’s an obvious time to reflect. Many of my friends have had a really horrible year, filled with death and disappointment. I’ve been fortunate; it seemed that most things went the way I wanted them to. I always had enough money in my pocket, friends to enjoy and creativity to keep me inspired. I can only hope that 2013 goes as well, if not better!

I plan to spend tonight as I spent last New Year’s Eve: meditating at Spirit Rock and making an early night. It was a great way to usher in the new year and completely avoid the overhyped party, overpriced everything scene. This time Jamye is joining me so at least I’ll know one person! Tomorrow we’ll be heading to Space Cowboys‘ Breakfast of Champions in San Francisco for some daytime ravey goodness and lots of sparkly friends.

Anyway, as for more of that reflection:

Aside from the obvious (working for Burning Man, bartending at the fabulously muggle-proof Double Down Saloon), I entertained myself by making many magical tiaras and crowns, not only for myself but custom commissions for friends. Personally, I believe everyone should have as many tiaras as possible, especially if they light up!

According to WordPress’s little year-end report, my blog had 22,000 views. That seems like a lot! I use this forum as both a diary of sorts and an emotional outlet, a way to vent about things that delight or disturb me. Dating has been, to say the least, a horror show, and I’ve chosen to air my many frustrations — as well as hopes and fears — here. Based on the feedback, it has both entertained and irritated people. Surprisingly, I’ve been criticized for my opinions. Those folks can go to hell, quite frankly. Ain’t none of us here to please anyone but ourselves.

My “detractors” might be disappointed to hear that over the past year I have actually been on a few dates with guys I enjoyed and who seemed to enjoy me. I don’t blog about dates that go well for two reasons, most obviously because I don’t want to put any sort of kibosh on a (possibly) budding relationship. But also because positive experiences are nowhere near as hilarious. Or, apparently, aggravating, for those who believe I’m a “maneater.” (Which I would never take as an insult anyway! Heh.) Most people who know me well would probably agree. Including the men with whom I’ve had those positive experiences. Time spent with one man in particular has been a very positive experience indeed! I’d be clearing out closet space for him if he didn’t live 3000 miles away. Sigh. Forging ahead!

Looking forward to 2013, I’ll take a tip from a friend and state my “intentions”: I’ll be writing more here, of course, and on my other, related blogs. I’d like to finally self-publish the book or two I’ve been mulling about. I’ve registered to take a millinery course at FIT, hope to visit friends in Denver and will be joining my sister and her kids for a vacation in Mexico. There will be more Double Down and DPW and the usual “side jobs,” as well. Finding a satisfying relationship would certainly be lovely but I hate setting goals for myself that I’m only half responsible for realizing. I’ll just say that being more realistic might be an admirable goal, one that I can achieve alone.

Other than all that, I make no ridiculous New Year’s Resolutions. I don’t need to lose weight or exercise more or any of those things that people promise themselves they’ll do and then beat themselves up a year later for not doing. Besides, “intentions” sound so much more actionable than “resolutions.”  Tune in 365 days from today to see just how well I’ve done. And on that note, HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope you all create a spectacular 2013 for yourselves!

Always Angry?

One of my recent posts generated many comments and much controversy. It was brought to my attention that I don’t like anyone who doesn’t agree with me. Uh, who does? It also confirmed my belief that most people enjoy the company of like-minded folks. While those commenting — as well as the gentleman I’d been corresponding with — were shocked that I would be “offended” (poor choice of words on my part; I should’ve said “put off”) by, well, anything, everyone I spoke with in person had the same reaction to his words: mouths agape. Humans tend to seek out those who are, in not one but many ways, similar to themselves. I’m sure there are sociological explanations and theories; I just know what I see and experience.

But in addition to these thoughts, I considered their words. Am I always angry? Am I really so closed-minded? I went back through my OKCupid correspondence and found a previous conversation with this gentleman, one that took place back in May, after he had visited me at the bar. I was surprised by how, ummm, pleasant I was to him. Perhaps proving that I’m not always closed-minded or angry.

What a pleasure it was meeting you! And thank you for the gift! (I do hope you weren’t expecting sex. I mean. It wasn’t two bottles of perseco. And you weren’t naked. Hah!) [I am assuming this references an earlier conversation but I couldn’t find it.]
It was an enjoyable afternoon. Illuminating, even! Let’s do it again soon!

no sex? jeeeez! quel donage. 
i had fun as well. 
i was tickled by our physical disparity; i mean, i knew you were statuesque, i just hadnt expected …you. but i liked it. 
tell me when you might be available (i say that nicely) and sure, it would be fun fir you to drink as well. 

Hi M.!
I’ll be celebrating my birthday both this Wednesday and this Saturday after I get off work at Double Down. You’ll be able to meet all my crazy friends if you can show up at one of the two!
I may be deactivating my profile here soon in anticipation of my trip west so feel free to contact me at And you can read about my crazy dating life at Sadly hilarious.

dearest abs, 
i did go to the wordpress site and have read about your, um, experiences. poor baby. growing pains at every age. 
i may show up at DD’s wednesday. is there a best time? 

Please, no “poor baby.” I’m not looking for pity. Just tellin’ it like it is!
As for Wednesday, I’d say 6-ish? So you can get a beer from me and then have a beer WITH me!

the poor baby was as much for me as for you. i take pity on no one.

So. Not only does this look like I was both polite and, dare I say it, enthusiastic about having met this man, it puts lie to his saying that he wasn’t aware of my blog. He was, indeed, aware and had, indeed, read it. I was wondering where he’d gotten the idea that I’d had so many “wild adventures,” though I suppose one could assume that anyone who works for Burning Man, lives in the East Village and has reached the ripe age of 53 has. The bottom line is that I treated this man well and invited him further into my life. I hate the idea of having to “prove myself” to anyone and I’m embarrassed to say that I was upset by the harsh words of my critics. I am, like most people, hoping to learn and grow.

What, then, is the lesson here? That I shouldn’t post dirty words or talk about sex? Never bitch or complain? Have opinions that differ from, or object to the differing opinions of, others? I’m not sure.


Exuding Sex

So the other day I had an email exchange with a gentleman on OKCupid. It was, as most of them are, irritating. The conversation culminated with a very long communiqué from him and after all the energy it took to read the damn thing I didn’t have any left to respond. But it gnawed at me. This certainly wasn’t the first instance of miscommunication between the genders and it most definitely won’t be the last. But still. Is there any hope? Our exchange:

i thought you gave up on the whole thing? surely your dance card isn’t empty? 
still serving cocktails at double-your-pleasure?

I did give it up. But I’m back. It’s really the only way I meet people outside my social circle. Empty dance card? Um, I’m not currently sleeping with anyone, if that’s what you mean. And yes, I’m back at Double Down after three months out in the desert.

pity. those tits are too grand to be left alone.

Har har. You’re a real charmer.

oh, like i’m the first to make a comment about your tits. 
c’mon, abs, i think youre adorable.

Nope, just the oldest.

i know that’s not true. and if you’re trying to insult me you can do much better than that. but nothing sticks.
and i have no reason to insult you. why would i?

It was crass. Of course you’re not the first person to comment on my tits. But through the ether it just comes across as offensive.
And yes, as far as I can remember, I have never heard anyone comment about them who was older than I am, the possible exception being construction workers, since I have no idea how old they are. Not an insult, just an observation.

i’m sorry if i offended you.

Thank you.

there is so much i don’t know, and admittedly don’t understand. 
this will be an attempt at a “sweet” email–perhaps even a confessional–but i don’t know that i’ll succeed and i certainly don’t know if it will be received in the spirit in which it’s meant–nicely. 
i’m bothering to take a stab at this because you’re clearly a smart (i might even say “brilliant”) woman, but a paradox, not that they’re mutually exclusive. 
you were offended by my remarks yesterday even though i’m positive you’ve heard (and hear) worse on regular occasions. i wonder–and don’t beat me up for this–if it’s because of the image(s) you project. 
you exude sex, you work in a bar, you’re covered with tattoos, you’ve had a boxcar’s worth of (self-admitted) wild experiences. that a 60-yr old man should comment about your tits should hardly be eyebrow-raising or dare i say it, offensive. 
the paradox, as i see it (and struggle with) is that you want to be treated like “a lady.” 
this gets back to an old (unresolved) argument: can’t a woman wear provocative clothing without the gawks, cat-calls, and crude comments from men? (ans: no.) 
feminists (and i KNOW you’re in that camp; i am TOO!) would say “men have no right (to make comments)” women would say, “what i wear is my business; it makes ME feel pretty, and sexy, etc.” 
there are consequences; we don’t live in a vacuum; we have to deal with all sorts of people from all walks of life with all sorts of sensibilities. 
do “nice” girls flaunt their sexiness? can they not expect remarks–even less-than-nice–from perhaps “nice” men? the answer is delineated along gender–and people of a certain age. you attempted to dress-me-down with my apparent agedness. i could only be amused. 
in july i got into a discussion with a 68 yr old woman (who claimed online to be 62) about what she felt was a patronizing remark i made to, of all people, gloria steinem, only 25 yrs ago. i shared the story of a brief elevator ride i made with gloria at nbc when i was a writer for the Today Show and gloria was trying out for a host position. 
gloria was clearly struggling, she was scowling, and not getting guests to warm up; this was obvious to producers and everyone watching her on-air. at show’s end the two of us were the only people in an elevator cab. she glowered at me as she entered (we didn’t know one another even though i had to feed her copy). i said, “try smiling more.” (i’ve said worse to bryant gumble. ) my 68-yr old friend took umbrage, and she made it a point to say when she shared the story with a 22-yr old, the 22 yr old (who didn’t know who gloria was, and didn’t know the situation. and obviously didnt have the sensibility of a 68 yr old woman (or a 60 yr old male) agreed. 
my point is perception and sensibility. 
you give all the appearance of feistiness; you dish it out but can you take it? 
what i REALLY wanted to say i won’t repeat here because of your sensitivity (and sensibility) to “crassness.” 
it’s an intersting tightrope you walk–not the least of which because of your self-summary opening–and all that you have encountered–and your self-summary closing, and the declaration that the site is not “okgetmydickwet.” 
and i’m crass for invoking your tits? right. 
so let’s review here, shall we? i’ve complimented you on your brains, body, writing capabilities, sensibility and [tender] sensitivities. 
i came to DoubleDown in May because i was curious to see you person. thru the prism of time, your profile, and your rejoinder to my “crass” remark of last night, i’m hard-pressed to find that “lady.” 
i’m glad she exists–if only in your own mind–but i wonder if you don’t get the correspondence you, forgive me, deserve. 
and though you don’t believe it, i say this nicely. 
the eternal struggle of men and women. 

Okay. forgive me, dear reader, if any of this sounds like a sputter. I was so irked it was difficult to write clearly. And I hope you don’t mind that I address him directly, since it makes more sense that way.

I am capable of “receiving” messages in the spirit in which they were delivered. So thank you attempting to be “sweet.” I am smart and admit to being a paradox right in my profile. I believe most interesting people are multi-dimensional and, ideally, paradoxical. That’s what makes them interesting.

Saying I’ve heard “worse” than your remark about my tits is certainly accurate but that sort of crassness has, in my experience, been either in the bedroom, where it might be considered in context, or in jest from a friend or from some rude stranger on the street. Yours was on a dating site. If you are at all interested in me — getting to know me better, dating me, becoming my friend — I have to ask, is this putting your best foot forward? But I won’t belabor your remark. I found it crass. And there’s really no point in arguing about whether or not I’ve ever heard “nice tits” before. It doesn’t matter. It irked me and that should be enough.

But let’s address the rest of your message, shall we?

Because you think I “exude sex” and work behind a bar, because I am tattooed and have had an interesting life, and because I project an “image” that is, quite frankly, in your head, because everyone sees the world through their own filters, because of all THIS, you find it odd that I might want to be treated like a lady. Well, first off, I don’t give a fuck about being treated like a lady. Most people don’t. But you also seem to believe I have no right to be offended, to have my feelings hurt, to be “sensitive” or experience any other “feminine” emotions. Well pardon the fuck out of me. I’ll make sure to have only feelings that YOU think I should have.

Your digression into what comes off as a “She deserved to be raped cause she was wearing a miniskirt” argument is even more offensive. Just because a woman looks sexy doesn’t mean she wants sex. Or wants to hear your crass comments. It doesn’t mean ANYTHING, really.

I am feisty. Feisty as hell. I dish it out all the time and, believe me, buddy, take it all the damn time too. You think working in that bar is like the fucking Plaza? I’ve fielded a lifetime’s worth of crass, rude, insensitive, hurtful, horrible BULLSHIT from men. And a bit from women, truth be told. But it’s all been live and in person. So how’s this: I don’t want to EVER hear anything sexual from ANYONE on a goddamn dating site. Ever. I am no prude but until I meet someone face to face, we are STRANGERS. And making any sort of assumptions about a STRANGER is just stupid. Dating sites, as I’ve written before, create a false sense of intimacy. Merely because you know my favorite movies or books — or think you’ve accurately perceived the exact, perfect “image” of me — doesn’t mean you know SHIT about me.

[And if I might digress for a moment, when I first met my husband, we discovered that we both liked the movie “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.” It featured prominently in our early courtship. I had a bagel and a Nutriment in a Tiffany’s bag delivered to him at his office; he gave me the book, with the inscription: “Abby, I hope you enjoy ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’ as much as I enjoyed dinner at Veselka.” The discovery of our common likes (and dislikes) was a pleasant part of getting to know each other, something that is sadly missing with online dating.]

This is why I don’t like to email back and forth forever or, even worse, “chat” on the phone. Either we get together and see if there’s any chemistry or we don’t. And I can usually tell within moments of meeting whether there’s any chance of romance or not.

You came to visit me at Double Down for your various reasons. Was there a spark? Was I interested in you? Um, no. So there you have it. If a friendship is of interest to you, sending me compliments of any sort — cute, crass, coy, whatever — seems pointless. Other than telling me you enjoy my writing, which is how I’ve made a few other friends on OKC, saying nice things won’t get you anywhere. Especially via email.

My “OKGetYourDickWet” comment is to fend off a certain type of person. It isn’t directed at ONE person. And it wasn’t in a “polite” conversation. I am not, for the most part, a lady. So the fact that you haven’t found her, through your “prism of time,” is not surprising. What IS surprising is that you couldn’t just leave it at “I’m sorry I offended you.” Why that wasn’t sufficient — and the end of our irksome exchange — I have no idea. It also pretty much precludes our ever becoming friends. I am reluctant to make any assumptions but if what you were wanting to say, but afraid to due to my “sensitivities,” was something along the lines of “I’d fuck that,” I can tell you that there isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell. Even without your crass remarks and complete inability to grasp the feminine psyche.

Good day, sir!

Not Enough Info…But with a Positive Outcome!

An image of null

58% Match 49% Friend 44% Enemy
Oct 19, 2012 – 6:47am

great profile….awesome photos!!! I’ll buy the Pabst:):):) George
Okay, so I clicked on George’s profile. Those yellow squares? Not painting canvases, as I’d hoped. Nope. They are Post-Its blocking out George’s friends’ faces. Hrm. Dude, ,what, no photos of yourself that don’t require covering up? His profile contains exactly 14 words. Now, it isn’t necessary to divulge your entire life story in an online dating profile. But a bit more info than “I hate to type.” is probably, if not necessary, at least smart.
My note to him:
Hi George,
I’m glad you enjoyed my profile and pix. I hope you don’t mind a few words of constructive criticism:
Your profile has only 14 words in it. That isn’t very much to go on. Don’t you have anything more to say? The fact that you don’t like to type…well, not even in the pursuit of romance? I mean, that’s what the site is for.
Your main profile photo? Blocking out friends’ faces with Post-It notes? How about one of just YOU so we don’t need to see people blocked out? A nice, clear shot of your smiling face would be great!
Lastly, we are only a 58% match. And 44% enemies. I’m not sure that’s enough to pursue a date, really, even if I knew more about you through your profile or saw more photos of your life.
I hope you take this the right way and not as me being TOO bitchy. I believe you’ll have much better luck if you invest a bit more time in how you’re represented on here!
And his response:
Hi Abby.. almost wanted to say hey Abbott!!!! Nope I have no problem with your criticism in fact I appricate your time and effort you put into it …Abby I’m not into talking about myself…it’s not something I like to do ..I understand on sites like this it pretty much has to be done…. I’ll talk about things I’ve done and still do in a conversation with someone (phone) ….. I’ve had quite a few conversations over the phone and most woman come across that they understand what my feelings are ….one other thing is that I really hate to type (( this is a long mail for me ) also it’s not easy typing with 2 fingers one from each hand … again thanks for the mail…if you would like( I would ) we can talk sometime ..if not good luck …be safe …George
Fantastic! Finally someone who accepted my words of advice instead of freaking the fuck out! Huzzah!
Hi George,
Thanks for taking my comments in the spirit in which they were given!
I’m not sure we’d be much of a match…or even click as friends…but I do host occasional events for single people over 40. If you’re interested in attending the next one, send me your email address and I’ll put you on my list!
Yes, there may be hope after all!