Category Archives: Dating

And Now We Return You To Your Regularly Scheduled Programming…

In remembrance on World AIDS Day. Happy Giving Tuesday. Happy Wear a Dress Day. And Happy 60th Anniversary of Rosa Parks refusing to give up her bus seat. Oh. And RABBIT RABBIT!

Yes-Vember is over. I promise not to devolve into a downward spiral of depression. Because I am hard at work starting a bar business. Yes, that’s my next career. I should’ve done it 30 years ago; it would’ve saved me from being fired from all those jobs! But, well, those stars weren’t quite aligned. Now they are. So stay tuned. Until that happens, I will continue to regale you with my hilarious tales of online dating. I may also regale you with tales of putting together a bar business because I have a feeling that will be fairly riveting! And because it’s Giving Tuesday!

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A Few of My Profile Photos

Over the past month, while I was being positive and full of sunshine and unicorns, the online dating world didn’t change a bit. Here are a few of the more appalling interactions I’ve had. Marianne can’t understand why I respond to these guys. I do it for you, my dear readers! In the name of entertainment! All are presented as written: typos, crappy punctuation and all:

From _Tonester_:, who sounds like a totally arrogant douche:
Wow, that profile is pretty fucking exceptional. What’s your story?
Thanks for the note but I’m Upstate indefinitely both caring for my ill sister and enjoying the quiet to write a complex screenplay.
Ok, well you might want to change your location so no one else bothers you!
Maybe it’s something I say just to get rid of people. /Blocked
Huh. Wow. Okay.

From AlmostTooMuch, an overly-muscular 32-year-old:
hello there
Hi.
how are you doing?
shy?
Shy? Hardly. Just not really interested in anyone so much younger.
is that a defense mechanism?
nervous about what you will tangle with?
Oh please. Spare me. I’ve tangled with far wilder than you. And younger. Just not into it right now.
Sorry.
younger isn’t a particular virtue. neither is wilder. ever tangled with bigger?
I’ve had sex with well over 100 people. I’m sure I’ve had far bigger than you, too.
oh? are you? we can bet 🙂
Dude. Bigger isn’t a particular virtue either. I’m not interested.
you know that you would rather have bigger than smaller and you would rather be stretched than sheltered
Sheltered? Seriously? Sheltered from what? Some guy who thinks his cock is god’s gift to women? No thanks.
i never said that. sheltered isn’t a good thing, and my cock can cause discomfort..
I don’t know about your cock but your personality is causing me discomfort.
my personality? it’s benign. i ease into things…. 😉
Well you won’t be easing into THIS thing! But thanks for providing me with a couple laughs. Blocking you. Bye!

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BEHOLD this HUNK OF MAN!

From, apparently, Michael Chabon, above:
You’re obviously a bright, perhaps very bright, woman and the first photo shows that you’re attractive but you fuck it up with those other lunatic shots…and you’re mistaken, some people do read the entire commentary.
Ah…one more point. You’ve said you’re an “avid responded.” [stet…what I say is “avid responder.”] Not necessary; I have a suspicion that you could bite the nuts off a brass monkey.
Uh. Okay. Well if you don’t like my photos, you needn’t have email me at all. Bad day? Needed to criticize a stranger? Have a great week!
You missed the point, or I didn’t express it clearly. What I tried to convey is that your commentary is very cool, beguiling…and the first photo shows an attractive woman but the others show a clown.

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Here’s the shot he thought was “so weird.”

I remember seeing one of them (you had it as the first shot) every time I signed on to look at messages. It was so weird that I never bothered to even click on the profile. It’s a very cool commentary, and suggests a very cool lady.
A cool lady? With photos of a clown? Does it matter that a few of the photos are of me onstage? [And one where I am, actually, a CLOWN! See above.] That I don’t look like that in my day to day life? Might you have kept that to yourself? And then to tell me not to bother responding? What’s the point of communicating if it’s only one way?
Babe, listen…no one knows they’re of you on stage and no one is going to give a rats ass. You’re a pretty woman, obviously not frightened of her own sexuality, and the commentary you produced is far more compelling then [stet] the stupid banalities that represent 99% of the garbage in here. I simply believe that the following photos act to vitiate all that precedes them.
So…I just saw that you’re 5’10″…supposing I meet you wearing elevator shoes…or stilts.
Cody
You would know if you read the captions. As for giving a rat’s ass…well, if one is interested in another, one might, actually, give that rat’s ass. What about the last photo? No makeup. Plain. Or the second one? Still too clowny?
The last one is also attractive but the 2nd one is not.
You live in Manhattan?
Yes, I do live in Manhattan.
You do drugs, think nuclear war might be exciting, and have no problem cutting some lunatic that shoots his bolt that way. Swell.
I have no doubt…none…zero…that you would be the greatest sexual partner on the planet if I could stop laughing long enough to test it.
Well, that isn’t going to happen. I’m not the least bit attracted to you. Now YOU don’t need to respond because one second after I hit Send I will be hitting Block. Because you sound like a real prick.
Bye!

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Photo as shown on OKC. Apparently h e doesn’t know how to edit photos.

From r21056:
That picture makes you no justice
Which one? And how would you know if you haven’t met me in person?
Download the Bible song You Beautiful I know that
The ones with the goggles on your beautiful I know that
What the hell are you talking about?
Sorry if I offended you
Go away
Should you take me away
Bye.
you know that pretty
Look like a fool with f***** glasses
Blocking you. Bye. Again.
No let me block you stupid
Oh, I’m beautiful until I reject you? Asshole.

From SOXFOX2004:
[In response to his saying that he won’t communicate with anyone who uses emoticons.] Aw, c’mon, there are instances when an emoticon is perfect!
Not in a New York minute! ; )
How was that oyster/cashew/burnt blood orange/boysenberry stuffing anyway?
I didn’t care for it. But I liked the traditional one!
So are you really 5’5″?
No actually 6’2″ but I try to avoid intimidating Okers.
How sweet that you had to lower the bar and explain what millinery is. I could chide you about your alcoholism, but it might just be more fun to meet and fuck you.
So are you just bored and looking to take our some aggression?

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Can’t you just feel the excitement? The THRILL of dating this dude?

From artimesboy [boy? really? At 59?]:
My good friend Benny made me a sizable bet that your personality is not as stunning as your looks. Of course, I strongly disagreed but he is insisting confirmation by phone or a brief meeting. 
Help me win the bet and put Benny in his place.
E***
Hi E***,
Happy to help you win that bet!
I’ll be at a bar/club called Meridian tomorrow night. Come meet me there!
Abby
PS Will Benny be coming with you or is he gonna just take your word? Heh.
I’ll surprise you. What time will you be at bar? It would be better to meet during a band break.
I’ll be there early, before the bands start, like 6.
So, um, is this a date? Or just an audition of sorts? Because I’ll be there with friends.
Sounds like we should figure another place and time where it’s just the two of us. Perhaps in Midtown on Thursday night.
I would actually prefer meeting you and Benny Wednesday. The more social an outing, the better chances of everyone having a good time!
I really really don’t like dates…
Sounds like your fearful. I’ll pass. By the way, Benny is a dog.
Oh. Hah! Benny is a VERY good friend, then. The best. As they say.
Fearful? Hardly. Just tired of spending so much time on dates. If you’d like to meet me AND a couple other interesting people too, which I think is a much better idea, let me know. You’ll never know whether my personality is any match for my photos!

 

The Lifeguard

I’m sure if you’ve been reading this blog you believe that all my dates are complete failures, that I’m incapable of finding enough common ground for an actual relationship. Or a second date. That may be mostly true. And I’m certainly guilty of only posting my most disastrous dates, wrought with angst and, ideally, hilarity.

But there are, occasionally, success stories. There was the awesome guy I made out with a few years back. Then he invited me over for dinner. Sadly that ended with Bin Laden being discovered in a bunker. CNN is definitely not an aphrodisiac! Well, almost one year ago I experienced my best OKCupid date ever. I was afraid to write about it because, well, I didn’t want to jink things, I guess. It’s been long enough. Without further ado, I give you “The Lifeguard.”

My sister booked an oceanfront condo for a family reunion, of sorts. Not the whole family, just a few select adults. I arrived at LAX before anyone else and picked up the rental car. OKCupid had just debuted their new feature, in an attempt to compete with Tinder, that lets you peruse matches “Nearby.” By the time I got to Santa Monica, 150 guys had checked out my profile. I scrolled through the faces and saw one that looked dazzling. I read his deets, which included that he was an LA County lifeguard.

“Hi! I’m staying at the beach this week,” I wrote. “Which lifeguard stand are you working? Maybe I could go out in front and flounder around.” After a few adorable emails back and forth, including one that wondered if he was, indeed, worth floundering for, we made plans to meet for a beer. He had somewhat apologizing for not being “much of a fashion statement,” in his sandals and shorts but…um…LIFEGUARD! And, uh, 6’4″?!? No need to add super good-looking. Or being the team doctor for the LA Derby Dolls! Soon I was sitting across from him on a barstool, sipping a Stella on the Santa Monica Pier.

He was smart and funny, easy to talk to and, did I say, handsome as hell? And TALL? We had a couple beers and he walked me back to my condo. A gentlemanly hug and a quick kiss goodnight left me most definitely wanting more. He followed up our first date an hour later with an email: “Mind was adrift as I thought of this feathery 5’10” woman that I just met. So much so that I did not notice the bike path taking a turn to the left…according to the two people that watched me do a face plant into the sand… That was the most fabulous, delicious way to end a day of work at the beach that I can remember in a long, long time. Thank you.”

I was in LA for seven days and saw him four times. I rode my bike down to Marina Del Rey and met him for lunch. On my last night we met for a drink. But one evening mid-week he suggested we walk through the Venice canals. I’d never seen them and thought that sounded…romantic. He picked me up in his red convertible 450SL (uh, yeah, like my favorite car EVER) and then we strolled the narrow sidewalks, over tiny bridges, holding hands. When we got back to his apartment, he closed the door and said, “Take off your clothes. ” Um, excuse me? He was unfolding his massage table. “You went for a 40 mile bike ride today. Wouldn’t you like a massage?” I left my panties on…

So. Yeah. Best seduction I’ve experienced in decades.

After my week in Santa Monica I headed up to Marin and then on to Gerlach for my summer job with Burning Man. The Lifeguard and I were texting and emailing and playing Words with Friends. Then one day…nothing. I sadly figured he’d met someone. “Maybe he got hit by lightning,” my mom said. What? No one ever gets hit by lightning in LA. My sister said the same thing. Then my friend said it too. “There was a big storm in LA.” I passed it off as an impossibility. Besides, he’d been in Maine, visiting his sister. Then, when a friend asked if I’d heard from him and I hung my head, she told me to tag a picture of a sunset or something to let him know I was thinking about him. “I hate it when people do that,” I said, but thought, hmmm, Facebook… We’d become “friends.” I went to his Facebook page and saw stuff like “Trying to get through to your hospital room” and “Saying a prayer for you!”

I texted him: “I saw on your Facebook page that you’re in the hospital. Are you okay?” In minutes I received a response: “This is his sister. He’s getting stronger every day. I’ll pass along your message.” I’d thought he was still in Maine so it didn’t surprise me that his sister responded for him. But I was worried.

A few days later he texted me. He WAS hit by lightning! A freak storm had descended upon Venice Beach and he was one of 13 people affected by the lightning strike. A 20-year-old guy had died. And, actually, so had The Lifeguard. He was out for a full 12 minutes! But it apparently wasn’t his time to go because a cardiac specialist had been on the beach, right where lifeguards had dragged his body, and that doctor didn’t give up on him. He was still in the hospital and had some recovering to do, but he was alive!

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We kept in touch through the summer. I even sent him a shot of myself getting “zapped” by a big piece of art! Leave it to me to meet a really great guy and he gets hit by lightning! Stay tuned for Part Deux.

Addendum

So yeah, my OKCupid account has been “fixed,” as their email alerted me. Not like it was “broken.” They were just being OKStupid. As an addendum, I wrote to them in response to this line in their correspondence with me: “We also make sure that everybody using OkC for event stuff is actually a legitimate OkC/Match.com partner (it’s a safety/legitimacy thing) which I hope you understand.”
Well, thank you for reinstating my account.

And for the record, I applied, via your web site, TWICE to be a host for your “events.” Being a cranky old lady, it makes me even crankier that ALL the events are for young people. I probably don’t need to point out to you (since I’m assuming you are “young” and NOT anywhere near MY age) that “young” people don’t need events to meet each other. They meet each other ALL THE TIME! Those of us over 50, however, DO need “events” because most people have given up and don’t ever leave the damn house.

Anyway. Back to sorting out the scammers from the real humans on your site.
Thanks again!

And ya gotta love the “safety/legitimacy” bit. Guffaw. As though any event is more “safe” than another. Or “legitimate.” I am tempted to show up at their offices and present myself as their newest event producer. “Here I am! Ready to go to work creating exciting events for people who aren’t fucking 30!” I mean seriously…

Vindicated!

Ah, the sweet taste of victory! Coupled with the influence of righteous indignation! The power-mad millenials at OKCupid have seen the error of their ways and reinstated my account. After they accused me of soliciting, I continued the dialogue, pointing our how ridiculous that accusation was. Here’s how it unfolded after my previous post:

What am I soliciting?

“I’m producing an event on Feb. 17 that I think you might enjoy. It isn’t a singles’ party (or a couples’ party) but there are components that I think will be appealing to people who are “seeking.” Even if they aren’t sure what, exactly…
I hope you can make it!
Abby “

Etc etc.

You cannot be serious. The events I produce are happy hours and live performances. I’d be happy to show you my Facebook events. “Seeking” means many things to different people. Clearly the person who reported me wishes he were receiving invitations to something a bit more exciting.
Whatever.
I waste so much time reporting fake profiles on your site it isn’t even worth it. You people should be paying more attention to actual scammers and less to idiots who don’t know what they’re talking about. My sex party days are FAR behind me. I’m 56 fucking years old, fer crissakes. FIFTY SIX YEARS OLD! Even Annie Sprinkle has moved on. Wow.

I am not saying you are a scammer, and I am not being judgey at all, but the rules we have to enforce for everybody say:

“Unique and bona fide profile
You agree to create only one unique profile. In addition, in order to maintain the integrity of the Website, by joining, you agree that your use of the Website shall be for bona fide relationship-seeking purposes (for example, you may not use the Website solely to compile a report of compatible singles in your area, or to write a school research paper). “

Really, what you were doing isn’t dating – And people (a LOT of people reported you as a scammer) – So they would complain if we didn’t ban you as well. We also make sure that everybody using OkC for event stuff is actually a legitimate OkC/Match.com partner (it’s a safety/legitimacy thing) which I hope you understand. If you want to use OkC to date, seek people for friends etc then you are welcome to – But stick with craiglist etc. for advertising events, please?

Advertising events?
I ask people I meet on OKC if they are interested in joining me for events, some I produce and/or promote, others I attend. I invited one guy to a fundraiser for the Lower East Side Girls Club. Is that against the rules? What about a fundraiser for Figment? If I’m producing it?
I’m about as far from a scammer as it’s possible to be. A real human, actually interested in meeting people, as friends — at the very least. I’ve met friends on here. Go read my emails.
There is nothing I’d like more than to meet someone and fall in love. I have three friends who I helped with their profiles on OKC and they eventually married. Three success stories. I sure wish I was one. Being 56 and single sucks more than I can describe. I’m sure you cannot begin to relate.
But if you seriously believe I have been using your site for the sole purpose of — well, whatever you think I’m using it for — then by all means, ban me. However, you could not be more wrong.
There was a time when I produced two weekly events. For seven years! Fetish parties, rock parties, sex parties. As I said, those days are far behind me. I now co-produce a few events annually: Night of a Thousand Stevies, a Stevie Nicks tribute night; Ghostlight, a Halloween Eve fundraiser for HOWL Help; and the Figment fundraiser. I get paid for two of the three, minimally. I also help organize weekly happy hours for the Burning Man community. I don’t get paid for this work. I am often hired to emcee events, most recently the third birthday bash for Batala NYC, an all female Brazilian style drum group.
Hardly Heidi Fleiss. If that reference even means anything to you.
One man I met on OKC is helping the House of Yes with their build out. We’ve been friends for a few years now. His life is more interesting now than it was before he met me…a different sort of success story. I’ve invited a lot of guys to a lot of things. It’s sad that any of them would call me a scammer for those invitations. Really sad. And I’m sure they have sad little lives. Thankfully, I don’t. So I’ll be fine without OKCupid.
And I’ll say it one more time.
You are wrong.
So, dear readers, that’s how the situation unfolded. They’ve seen fit to let me back into their cesspool of dick pix and scammers. Oh hooray! Over the seven years as a “member,” I’ve been booted off twice now. I’ve dealt with so many scammers I can’t count them. (I initially posted on here about the illiterate men on OKC but those weren’t potential suitors, they were scammers, looking to coax me out of cash. HILARIOUS!) Though I’ve met a few men whose company I enjoyed, not many were willing to cultivate an ongoing friendship. I can’t really see much benefit from the site; I’m not one to go begging for free meals…not my style. I think I’ve had about one for each year…each time insisted upon by my date. I’ve even paid for my own coffee on a number of occasions. The sole reason for remaining a “member” is to continue regaling you with my hysterical tales of dating disasters. So I guess I’ll keep on “soliciting” and see what happens! And I’ll be sure to “advertise my events” on Craiglist. Guffaw.

Booted Off Of OKCupid…Again

Apologies (again) for my absence. It’s been a busy month! Hopefully happy news soon. I felt compelled to post today, despite the craziness, because I’ve been booted off of OKCupid. Again!

The first time it happened I wasn’t given a reason. They never even responded to my emails asking why. I forged on, created a new profile, figuring perhaps posting party invites to strangers had pissed someone off. This time, however, I sent an email asking why I’d gotten the boot and received a response:

Hi Abby,
I have reviewed your profile and unfortunately you have been banned. I’m very sorry, but solicitation of any sort is a violation of our usership policy. Thank you for your continued interest in OKCupid, but the decision to ban you is irreversible.
Yours truly,
Emilia

Um. SOLICITING? For what? Sex? Isn’t that the whole point of online dating? Okay, being serious now. I was most definitely not soliciting. Anything. Because, believe me, if I were, they’d know it. I don’t do anything vaguely. Here’s my profile, as it stood at last edit:

Please be open to MEETING and the possibility of being FRIENDS. Finding that elusive “chemistry” is rare. But I can honestly say that every man I’ve “befriended” on this site now has a far more exciting and interesting life than he did before meeting me. If you don’t believe that, I’d be happy to connect you for an honest conversation. Who doesn’t want to expand their social circle? The chances of finding romance online aren’t the best. Meeting new people will always result in meeting MORE new people. Meaning, if you and I don’t “click” perhaps you might with a friend of mine. Or I will with a friend of yours. It’s a big world. If that sounds appealing to you, please read on!

A very close friend died recently and it has made me reevaluate. I am not desperate, just determined. If you can’t meet up within a week of us contacting each other, please don’t bother. Life is too fucking short. I’m tired of this site and I’ve never been a fan of dating.

So there you have it. Let’s meet, figure out of we want to fuck each other and take it from there, shall we? Seriously. That’s about all it boils down to.

It doesn’t matter a damn what music you like or what you read. You’ll be on your side of the bed reading what you read and I’ll be on my side of the bed reading what I read. I’ll listen to whatever the hell you want to listen to. Food? Whatever. It’s sustenance, not an art form. For me, anyway. Happy to consume your art form, if that’s your thing. Happier to consume your thing. Haha!

Anyway, none of you read this shit. You look at the photo, think, “Yeah, I’d fuck that,” and you click. I wish it were as simple for women. It’s more simple when I’m less sober. So let’s see who responds to THIS version of my “profile.”

The rest of the profile is pretty much the same as it’s been for ages. After six long years of receiving dick pix and “I’d fuck that”s, between the big bellies and bigger egos, selfies with dirty toilets in the background and dudes who couldn’t spell their way out of a paper bag, not to mention the hundreds — HUNDREDS — of scammers and fake profiles and total wastes of time, I’m embarrassed that I was even still on the damn site. Well, now I’m not. Because some asshat decided I was “soliciting.”

That is not only fucking hilarious, it is decidedly uninformed. Hey OKCupid! Here’s what soliciting looks like:

“Hi, my name is Abby. I’m 55 years old (almost 56). My flesh is hanging off my bones like wet laundry. My wrinkles are deep enough for you to white water raft through. I can count the number of times I’ve gotten laid in the last five years on one hand. I really don’t have much of a libido anymore and the thought of sucking some dude’s cock makes me want to retch. Ready to pay me for my sexual services? I’m having a big sale this week! Hurry, my time is running out!”*

Aside from the fact that “soliciting” is illegal, my profile’s verbiage made no mention of money. However, here are a few links to women who are offering their companionship for cash. Since you’re running a dating site and not an escort site, perhaps you need to learn the difference.
Slixa
Eros
Oymotherfuckingvey!

* Oh, and bee-tee-dubs, that paragraph up there is satire. It is NOT intended to be taken seriously as solicitation. Not that any rightminded person would…

Tall Order, Short Fuse

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, than I am completely out of my mind. I continue to meet up with strange men from online dating sites. I haven’t fallen in love yet. What on earth makes me think that the next guy will be different? Better? Lovable? Or even fuckable? Oy vey. And I KNOW I’ve said this before!

I’m an optimist. I’ve been trying to remain positive. I’m…tenacious. But LOOK AT THIS, WILL YOU?

434245032040174339WHAT in this man’s WILDEST imagination makes him think this is the best photo to lead with? Granted, at least he isn’t obese. Should I be grateful? Turned on? I mean, LOOK AT THOSE FUCKING UNDERPANTS! HOLYFUCKINGSHIT!

Okay, let me get a grip on myself. And yes, I know men don’t call them “underpants.” But the way he has them hiked up — no doubt to better showcase his “package” — they look more like granny panties than “briefs.” Ack. Where is this guy’s face? He doesn’t show us his face. Just his hairy belly. It is BREAKING MY BRAIN!

Last night I met a man from OKCupid. He made initial contact, saying he was impressed by my “direct approach.” (I’d recently updated my profile to cut through all the bullshit.) He suggested meeting at a craft beer bar in Hells Kitchen. When I said it was a little far afield for me as well as a bit fancy, beer-wise, he suggested a second craft beer bar also in Hells Kitchen. Uh, thanks for picking up on my desire to drink somewhere that isn’t a craft beer bar. Or not in Hells Kitchen. But, as it happened, I was going to be in Hells Kitchen the following day. Would he like to get together sooner?

He showed up and I knew immediately it was a mistake. Khaki cargo pants, pockets and all. White sneakers. And a stupid cap. I told myself, well, just be open to meeting someone new. Roll with it. Awkward conversation ensued. He seemed to believe he was cooler than me. Which, hey, is fine. When he decided to cut through the bullshit and asked, “So, what do you think?” I knew he meant, “Are we gonna fuck?” (Because that was, more or less, what I’d put into my updated profile.) “I don’t think so,” I told him. I softened the blow by saying something along the lines of “I may never want to fuck anyone ever again.” Probably not totally accurate, even if it is how I’ve been feeling lately. “So I shouldn’t take it personally?” he asked. “No,” I told him. What was I supposed to say? I can’t stand your stupid cap? I hate cargo pants? White sneakers are unacceptable unless you’re Jax Teller? And, oh, did I forget to tell you that he’d asked me if I was into erotic asphyxiation? No? Oops. Cause, yeah. Within minutes of sitting beside me. I was, like, “Is that the kind of question you ask a half-beer into a first date?” He assured me it was. “Isn’t that, perhaps, something you might want to mention on your profile?” I asked. He said he preferred to spring it on people. “How’s that workin’ for ya?” was my next question. “I’ve had a few converts,” he confided, cockily. Uh, I highly doubt it. Most women are wary enough about meeting strange men for a drink. Jumping right into letting a guy choke the breath out of them probably isn’t next on the list after a fucking Cosmo. Anyway. After I told the guy he should be trolling on FetLife instead of luring vanilla women into Hells Kitchen craft beer bars, he paid his tab and disappeared. Asshole. And today he emailed my friend! Here’s her response:

I am very choked up you wrote me. Seems you had a FIRST meeting with a friend of mine where you wanted to know if you could do the same. NOT cool, not cool at all. Before you go asking for this deadly kink, you better know the person you are asking, or get on a website where you can find someone to indulge you safely. Wouldn’t go near you, and hope none of my friends on this site do either.

And speaking of dudes who think they’re into 50 Shades of Stupid, I met another guy Friday night whose profile noted that he has a “bad boy side.” When he emailed me, he asked if I’d read his profile. Yes, I told him. All three sentences of it. “And?” he asked. “And what?” I responded. “I don’t ‘do boring’ either.” I guess he was eager to see what I thought of his bad boy reference.  “Are you a criminal? In jail? Or just kinky? Spell it out!” He admitted to being kinky. “I don’t do boring either,” I told him, and suggested he Google me. “I’ve dabbled as a dominatrix, worked in porn, hosted sex parties. Takes a lot to shock me,” I told him. “Me too” he enthused. I assumed he meant it takes a lot to shock him, since I didn’t think he couldn’t cop to any of the other stuff. “MFM, FMF, GB, DP,” he burbled. Uh, threesomes isn’t exactly BDSM. But whatevs. Love your alphabet soup, dude.

When we met in person, I asked him what, exactly, sort of play he’d engaged in. He shyly admitted to spanking a girlfriend once or twice. Oh man. Quite the aficionado! Not that I’m looking for Mr. Grey to see me now. I couldn’t care less about kink. I’d be happy to have someone to spoon with. It doesn’t seem like such a tall order but, well, you can see what sort of men I’m dealing with here.

Beautiful Music?

I’ve been doing my best to keep busy and inadvertently made myself a little too busy. On Thursday I had not one but two OKCupid dates. In my effort to remain positive, I’ll say the first man provided me with an exercise in listening. Even though he is retired, he spoke quite a bit about his (former) job. He even uttered the words “When I was in college…” He wasn’t as interesting as he sold himself to be in his profile and there wasn’t any chemistry but I guess he wasn’t…horrible. (How’s that for trying to be positive?) Or a drinker. Which I (perhaps sadly) find to be an obstacle. He is new to the city and will soon discover that bars are our living rooms. Probably even more so since he lives with his daughter and her family. There’s only so far a date can go over one cup of tea. But he professed his desire to “try new things” so I’ll gladly offer him a few — at least of the less alcohol based variety — even though it has been my experience that men who are eager to “try new things” never actually do…

My second date was slightly more interesting than chai and retirement. He had given true spontaneity a shot the night before with an offer to meet for a drink (always a good sign) and if I hadn’t already been in my pajamas in front of “Sons of Anarchy” I might’ve taken him up on that. (Any invitation after 8pm is also good; it means a person has at least a minimal sense of adventure.) When I wasn’t available for the late night cocktail I suggested the following evening and he wondered if I’d be interested in the symphony. Definitely!

IMG_4100I met him at Lincoln Center and engaged in some more “active listening” before the concert began. [Random observation: People talk a lot when they’re nervous. As a result, I have actually become a much better listener.] Our opinions on the musical selections of the evening matched up well. He was wearing a really cool shirt. And afterward he was game for a drink. My choice would’ve been Clark’s for a pint. His choice was Rosa Mexicano for a pomegranate margarita (brrrr) followed by a shot of tequila. He’s a tequila aficionado. Okay. I get that expertise can be attractive. It was an evening full of firsts: I’ve never been to the symphony on a date and I’d never been to the New York Philharmonic. Or Avery Fisher Hall. I can’t remember ever drinking a pomegranate margarita. Or having a shot of fancy tequila — sans (or should I say “sin”?) — a chaser. Especially as a nightcap. Or before a long subway ride home.

Conversation between the music and the margaritas was pleasant. He’s smart and funny. I suppose I wouldn’t mind seeing him again, though the thought of having sex with him isn’t particularly appealing. Perhaps I’ll never find sex appealing again. Sigh.

Sorry, folks. I’m having a bad day. I started this on my phone but the damn app doesn’t appear to be working right or I would’ve posted it on Friday. To continue my “keeping busy” train of thought, I was in a panic because I’d committed to finishing a little piece of writing plus proofreading three pieces by other people, all by yesterday, even though I’d made plans for most of yesterday. And Saturday night. Thankfully some of those plans didn’t come to fruition. Which was a bad thing, actually. Yeah, kinda vaguebooking and I’m not even on Facebook. Anyway. I guess what I’m trying to say is that as bad as I feel right now I’m at least wrapping up this post anyway in an attempt to be productive and remain in motion. Of some sort.

As an addendum, I went to a party Saturday night. I volunteered to work because I’ve become a terrible party goer. I need to be doing something. Though while my costume came out pretty great and I didn’t sit home alone on Valentine’s Day, I can’t say I enjoyed the party. I hated the music. I didn’t really have anyone to talk to. Okay, now I’m really rambling. And sounding pathetic. I think it’s time to go to the gym. I’m gonna hit “publish” just because, in getting back to blogging, I noticed that I would save drafts and never return to them. So even if this shit isn’t Shakespeare, it’s gonna have to do. Ya know? It’s an exercise…