Booted Off Of OKCupid…Again

Apologies (again) for my absence. It’s been a busy month! Hopefully happy news soon. I felt compelled to post today, despite the craziness, because I’ve been booted off of OKCupid. Again!

The first time it happened I wasn’t given a reason. They never even responded to my emails asking why. I forged on, created a new profile, figuring perhaps posting party invites to strangers had pissed someone off. This time, however, I sent an email asking why I’d gotten the boot and received a response:

Hi Abby,
I have reviewed your profile and unfortunately you have been banned. I’m very sorry, but solicitation of any sort is a violation of our usership policy. Thank you for your continued interest in OKCupid, but the decision to ban you is irreversible.
Yours truly,
Emilia

Um. SOLICITING? For what? Sex? Isn’t that the whole point of online dating? Okay, being serious now. I was most definitely not soliciting. Anything. Because, believe me, if I were, they’d know it. I don’t do anything vaguely. Here’s my profile, as it stood at last edit:

Please be open to MEETING and the possibility of being FRIENDS. Finding that elusive “chemistry” is rare. But I can honestly say that every man I’ve “befriended” on this site now has a far more exciting and interesting life than he did before meeting me. If you don’t believe that, I’d be happy to connect you for an honest conversation. Who doesn’t want to expand their social circle? The chances of finding romance online aren’t the best. Meeting new people will always result in meeting MORE new people. Meaning, if you and I don’t “click” perhaps you might with a friend of mine. Or I will with a friend of yours. It’s a big world. If that sounds appealing to you, please read on!

A very close friend died recently and it has made me reevaluate. I am not desperate, just determined. If you can’t meet up within a week of us contacting each other, please don’t bother. Life is too fucking short. I’m tired of this site and I’ve never been a fan of dating.

So there you have it. Let’s meet, figure out of we want to fuck each other and take it from there, shall we? Seriously. That’s about all it boils down to.

It doesn’t matter a damn what music you like or what you read. You’ll be on your side of the bed reading what you read and I’ll be on my side of the bed reading what I read. I’ll listen to whatever the hell you want to listen to. Food? Whatever. It’s sustenance, not an art form. For me, anyway. Happy to consume your art form, if that’s your thing. Happier to consume your thing. Haha!

Anyway, none of you read this shit. You look at the photo, think, “Yeah, I’d fuck that,” and you click. I wish it were as simple for women. It’s more simple when I’m less sober. So let’s see who responds to THIS version of my “profile.”

The rest of the profile is pretty much the same as it’s been for ages. After six long years of receiving dick pix and “I’d fuck that”s, between the big bellies and bigger egos, selfies with dirty toilets in the background and dudes who couldn’t spell their way out of a paper bag, not to mention the hundreds — HUNDREDS — of scammers and fake profiles and total wastes of time, I’m embarrassed that I was even still on the damn site. Well, now I’m not. Because some asshat decided I was “soliciting.”

That is not only fucking hilarious, it is decidedly uninformed. Hey OKCupid! Here’s what soliciting looks like:

“Hi, my name is Abby. I’m 55 years old (almost 56). My flesh is hanging off my bones like wet laundry. My wrinkles are deep enough for you to white water raft through. I can count the number of times I’ve gotten laid in the last five years on one hand. I really don’t have much of a libido anymore and the thought of sucking some dude’s cock makes me want to retch. Ready to pay me for my sexual services? I’m having a big sale this week! Hurry, my time is running out!”*

Aside from the fact that “soliciting” is illegal, my profile’s verbiage made no mention of money. However, here are a few links to women who are offering their companionship for cash. Since you’re running a dating site and not an escort site, perhaps you need to learn the difference.
Slixa
Eros
Oymotherfuckingvey!

* Oh, and bee-tee-dubs, that paragraph up there is satire. It is NOT intended to be taken seriously as solicitation. Not that any rightminded person would…

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4 responses to “Booted Off Of OKCupid…Again

  1. Abby,
    This from the same company that owns Tinder? Its a bizzaro world out there. One the bright side, you are posting again and I have yet another reason to say “F” Okstupid.
    Anyway, until you have wrinkles like George Jones did you are pretty much good to go.

    Jim

  2. rotfl UPTIGHT people never cease 2 surprise me when others are basically saying rent my vagina…lol…..

  3. That proves they are idiots. If it was me, I’d hop right back on, different email and a nick name, etc. They are certainly not thorough. How did they even pick you out out of the thousands. Weird. Always an honor to cause a stir. Easy enough to fake a new profile, though.

  4. Allen Paterson

    “Pearls before swine” is the appropriate phrase in this instance. The OkCupid people are unworthy of you.

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