Tall Order, Short Fuse

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, than I am completely out of my mind. I continue to meet up with strange men from online dating sites. I haven’t fallen in love yet. What on earth makes me think that the next guy will be different? Better? Lovable? Or even fuckable? Oy vey. And I KNOW I’ve said this before!

I’m an optimist. I’ve been trying to remain positive. I’m…tenacious. But LOOK AT THIS, WILL YOU?

434245032040174339WHAT in this man’s WILDEST imagination makes him think this is the best photo to lead with? Granted, at least he isn’t obese. Should I be grateful? Turned on? I mean, LOOK AT THOSE FUCKING UNDERPANTS! HOLYFUCKINGSHIT!

Okay, let me get a grip on myself. And yes, I know men don’t call them “underpants.” But the way he has them hiked up — no doubt to better showcase his “package” — they look more like granny panties than “briefs.” Ack. Where is this guy’s face? He doesn’t show us his face. Just his hairy belly. It is BREAKING MY BRAIN!

Last night I met a man from OKCupid. He made initial contact, saying he was impressed by my “direct approach.” (I’d recently updated my profile to cut through all the bullshit.) He suggested meeting at a craft beer bar in Hells Kitchen. When I said it was a little far afield for me as well as a bit fancy, beer-wise, he suggested a second craft beer bar also in Hells Kitchen. Uh, thanks for picking up on my desire to drink somewhere that isn’t a craft beer bar. Or not in Hells Kitchen. But, as it happened, I was going to be in Hells Kitchen the following day. Would he like to get together sooner?

He showed up and I knew immediately it was a mistake. Khaki cargo pants, pockets and all. White sneakers. And a stupid cap. I told myself, well, just be open to meeting someone new. Roll with it. Awkward conversation ensued. He seemed to believe he was cooler than me. Which, hey, is fine. When he decided to cut through the bullshit and asked, “So, what do you think?” I knew he meant, “Are we gonna fuck?” (Because that was, more or less, what I’d put into my updated profile.) “I don’t think so,” I told him. I softened the blow by saying something along the lines of “I may never want to fuck anyone ever again.” Probably not totally accurate, even if it is how I’ve been feeling lately. “So I shouldn’t take it personally?” he asked. “No,” I told him. What was I supposed to say? I can’t stand your stupid cap? I hate cargo pants? White sneakers are unacceptable unless you’re Jax Teller? And, oh, did I forget to tell you that he’d asked me if I was into erotic asphyxiation? No? Oops. Cause, yeah. Within minutes of sitting beside me. I was, like, “Is that the kind of question you ask a half-beer into a first date?” He assured me it was. “Isn’t that, perhaps, something you might want to mention on your profile?” I asked. He said he preferred to spring it on people. “How’s that workin’ for ya?” was my next question. “I’ve had a few converts,” he confided, cockily. Uh, I highly doubt it. Most women are wary enough about meeting strange men for a drink. Jumping right into letting a guy choke the breath out of them probably isn’t next on the list after a fucking Cosmo. Anyway. After I told the guy he should be trolling on FetLife instead of luring vanilla women into Hells Kitchen craft beer bars, he paid his tab and disappeared. Asshole. And today he emailed my friend! Here’s her response:

I am very choked up you wrote me. Seems you had a FIRST meeting with a friend of mine where you wanted to know if you could do the same. NOT cool, not cool at all. Before you go asking for this deadly kink, you better know the person you are asking, or get on a website where you can find someone to indulge you safely. Wouldn’t go near you, and hope none of my friends on this site do either.

And speaking of dudes who think they’re into 50 Shades of Stupid, I met another guy Friday night whose profile noted that he has a “bad boy side.” When he emailed me, he asked if I’d read his profile. Yes, I told him. All three sentences of it. “And?” he asked. “And what?” I responded. “I don’t ‘do boring’ either.” I guess he was eager to see what I thought of his bad boy reference.  “Are you a criminal? In jail? Or just kinky? Spell it out!” He admitted to being kinky. “I don’t do boring either,” I told him, and suggested he Google me. “I’ve dabbled as a dominatrix, worked in porn, hosted sex parties. Takes a lot to shock me,” I told him. “Me too” he enthused. I assumed he meant it takes a lot to shock him, since I didn’t think he couldn’t cop to any of the other stuff. “MFM, FMF, GB, DP,” he burbled. Uh, threesomes isn’t exactly BDSM. But whatevs. Love your alphabet soup, dude.

When we met in person, I asked him what, exactly, sort of play he’d engaged in. He shyly admitted to spanking a girlfriend once or twice. Oh man. Quite the aficionado! Not that I’m looking for Mr. Grey to see me now. I couldn’t care less about kink. I’d be happy to have someone to spoon with. It doesn’t seem like such a tall order but, well, you can see what sort of men I’m dealing with here.

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8 responses to “Tall Order, Short Fuse

  1. Abby, I loved this one, painfully funny. What kind of meathead offers to choke you as a come on?

  2. In a way I am really kind of thankful you are meeting these…umm interesting men for dates as it keeps you writing.I do hope you have some good dates and may they have much nicer underpants.

    Thank you for posting more Abby. I truly enjoy your blog.

  3. Great stories, painful though, ouch. Heh. 😉

  4. As always, a story well-told. But now, a serious question–what should men wear to impress women? You disdain cargo pants, white sneakers and a hat. OK, what to wear then? A young very cutting edge woman that I know once told me that “A suit and tie is to women what lingerie is to men” The implication–dress up. Most men don’t “dress themselves” They follow the advice of someone–advertisers, the local store clerk, their friends, movie stars. ex-wives, girl friends. So–give us men guidance then: There are two movies out that span the spectrum of what men should wear: “Kingsman-the Secret Service” and any of “Girl with the Dragon Tatoo” Movies, I-III. In the Kingsman, Collin Firth wears well-tailored double breasted suits with “braces”–suspenders–and pleated trousers. Pleats only look good with suspenders, never with belts that crunch up the fabric.( In the last James Bond movie, Skyfall, there was a very big debate about the fact that Daniel Craig wore a Tom Ford skin tight tailored suit, so tailored that you could see his calf muscle outlined under the pants leg, while all the baddies and bureaucrats wore more loosely tailored suits.) In the Dragon Tatoo movies, all the men–of whatever inclination and social class–wear blue jeans, Tee shirts, denim jackets. Khaki pants once in a while, but the hero–not young and a bit paunchy– is always in blue jeans, undershirt, and long sleeved, uncollared, buttoned-up shirts, leather zip-up jacket. And he gets to sleep regularly with the publisher of the magazine–a wealthy married woman! Only the really bad guys –like the pervert psychiatrist and the mousey prosecutor-wear suits. So–as Freud once said: “What do women want?”

    • I can’t say what all women want but I’ll say that white sneakers are a particular peeve of mine. Athletic wear of any kind worn as “regular ” clothing is lazy. Wear shoes. Any shoes. Or, if you must wear sneakers, wear Chuck Taylors. Khakis show a lack of imagination. They’re the uniform of the dull. Jeans are always better. And never pleats. Never. I can’t imagine requiring a suit; nothing I do is that formal. So those are my rules but I doubt they’re the same as everyone else’s!

  5. I agree fully with the ban on “athletic gear”. Track suits are for the geriatric or Russian mob.

  6. Thank god the woman I met on Plenty of Fish 3 years ago and subsequently married was not as concerned with my outfit. I’m a fashion disaster. And I wear sneakers. And I’m not tall and I’m overweight. But she loved me anyway and now we are happily married.

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