Daily Archives: January 19, 2014

A Pretty Face Is Worth Looking a Thousand Times!

Oy vey. OKCupid is getting more and more difficult to parse. Yes, there are sincere, real live humans on there, looking for love (or to get laid). But the ratio of real profiles to fake ones is dwindling. WHY all the men professing to be “God fearing?” WHY so many photos of lakes or beaches or plates of pasta without any questions answered or profile questions filled out? WHY the laughably fake profiles? And most irritatingly, WHY so many fake emails? There’s something oddly poetic about the hilarious sentence structure (or lack thereof) in the missives. Are they computer generated? Written by someone who doesn’t speak (or write…or understand) English? I have no idea what the story is but I can at least appreciate their entertainment value. I received these four in one afternoon:

hello gorgeous how are you doing today and how was your night been,but why did you refuse to reply my message gorgeous……hope to read back from you soon

I didn’t refuse to reply. I’m replying now. To your FAKE profile. You won’t be here in 24 hours. Wanna bet?

ooh that lovely and i will like to tell you a little stuffs about me.I live in Dallas Texas. Have been widowed since 2004, Just haven’t found someone who I would want to spend the rest of my life with so far. I have a son, 17 almost 18 going off to college next year and his name is Samuel (Sam). This time of my life seems to be a much better time to meet people now that my kid is older. When kids are younger it is really difficult to date. Now I can focus on someone and myself. I have a stable job, I work as a contractor and i also work in my own oil and gas company in Spain vent ham and Russia. I enjoy getting outdoors, going to movies, short day trips..and the list goes on. I also do not drink nor smoke,I’m a gentleman who owns his words, who is independent, self-confident, knows his worth, loves God and treats people, and especially women and older people with respect, i am focused, disciplined, playful, fun, sense of humor always and a warrior with a tender heart. I’m widowed and completely unattached and I will like you to feel free in asking me anything you want to know about me, just ask anything i will surely answer all, without leaving a word behind. cause i am open minded and as open as a book. i will be waiting for your next mail, hope you are having a nice weekend…….mata

Fuck off. [WHAT THE FUCK? “Vent ham?” I’ll assume that was supposed to be Viet Nam. Huh. And yes, 24 hours later…gone.]

Hi..how you doing today?i just came across your page and it was nice going thru it which made me to stop by just to say a big HI and it will be a pleasure to know you more if only you wouldn’t mind.
Hope to read from you soon.
Warm regards.

Sigh. Another fake email. [Whoever writes these has absolutely NO use for punctuation! Also gone 24 hours later.]

Hi there, How are you doing..? How is the weather treating you..? am indeed so sorry if you think am disturbing you with my message but honestly speaking, your profile said it all about you and there is a saying that says, a pretty face is worth looking a thousand times.. Am new on here looking for my soul-mate, friend, companion, my best friend, someone i can trust, confide in, and show all my love to, I will be so glad to read back from you as i would like and love to get closer to your heart!! Cheers, Hope to read from you, I wait patiently.. Edward.

Fuck off. [Aaaaaand yes, gone within 24 hours.]

I believe signing up for this site is a way of showing you want to start something different and you are not a coward who will be afraid to start a new adventure…..my name is Bob i will like you to take a look at my profile if you find it interesting and you want to know me better…send me a reply…if not good luck in your search….xoxo

I didn’t respond. Why bother? They all disappear and none of them are real. Sigh. Many of these fake messages contain phone numbers and email addresses with a plea from the “writer” to get in touch off the site. I suspect these are scams but have no idea what the endgame might be. No one I know is dumb enough to fall prey to these come-ons and neither am I.

This profile was so hilarious I had to type it out:

My self-summary
i ‘m peter my name am here to have a serious relationship i need who will be with me through out my life and make me happy and also will surely make her happy till rest of her life

What I’m doing with my life
am a hard working man am serious with my work

I’m really good at
am really good to make who i love happy all day AND NITE

The first thing people usually notice about me
many thing like making people happy all day and nite

The six things I could never do without
love who i love make my baby happy

I spend a lot of time thinking about
who i meet her and i will love her till rest of my life

There was one profile that had three “normal” sentences and then nothing but gobbledygook: alkskjfhhffhgfh akhsjdfytaj  djflskhaweythf. Whaaaat? Another had a few somewhat reasonable, if poorly written, sentences with stuff like “I am a man who” and then midway through slipped into “I am a woman who.” Whoops!

All this shit makes me wonder who the hell is minding the store up there at Match.com, OKCupid’s overlords. Any ideas?