The Crone Cliché

I am a cliché. A pathetic, text book cliché. Here I sit in my pajamas, watching bad late night TV. The commercials? Tena Pads. (Don’t miss a beat, nothing drips when Tena twists!) Check. Cialis. If I had a penis in my life, I’m sure it would probably require some of this shit in order for the hydraulics to work. Especially based on the dudes who’ve been wooing me on OKCupid. And OurTime. Osphena, the new prescription drug for “painful post-menopausal intercourse.” Wow, that one’s a doozy. “Mature” models rolling around in bedsheets, talking about how intercourse shouldn’t hurt. No fuckin’ kidding. But without a penis, there’s no need. Of course I might get the stuff just so I can bust out my biggest dildo. They didn’t mention that use in the commercial.

I watch Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune and hear all about reverse mortgages from Henry Winkler, CoQ10 for my joints and Polident for my dentures. Oh. And the new patch that will prevent me from pissing my pants. I’m a sitting-duck demographic.

Another cliché? The little old lady making stuff. It used to be granny in her rocking chair, knitting. Now it’s frumps felting, old broads beading and, in my case, a  crone crafting crowns and tiaras. My brain is exploding with creativity, evidently another by-product of being post menopausal. See, where once the BODY was driven to CREATE, now that reproduction is no longer possible, the HANDS must pick up the slack, so to speak. You know, empty womb, full Etsy store!

I have a little, bitty dog that I talk to incessantly and treat like my child. I go to the grocery store in my pajamas. My hair usually looks like I’ve been in some sort of bombing mishap. I’ve almost completely succumbed to skirts. I can go a whole week without a shower. I eat cookies in bed. In addition to my habits of watching too much TV in dirty laundry and eternally crafting, I’ve become a huge grumbler. Everyone and everything pisses me off. Pretty soon I’ll be shaking my cane at people. I must already look like a lunatic. Strangers are constantly giving me funny looks. In response, I STARE THEM DOWN. Sometimes I even say “What?!” They never answer me. Is it my tri-colored hair? My refusal to dress “old?” Think my pre-teen wardrobe clashes with my crows feet? What the fuck are you lookin’ at?

I’d like to be more like the women in “Advanced Style” but I can’t be bothered. It’s all too much trouble. One day I manage to bathe myself and put on clean clothes. That match. And are vaguely chic. The problem is, the next day I just put on the same damn thing. And the next day. And the next… Probably the most worrisome thing is that I find myself opting to stay home. Stay in. Shut out the world and all of its fucking…youth. I’d rather sit on my couch than venture and, make an effort and be met with…indifference.

There’s a reason why we don’t see older people “out on the town” and I’m betting it’s not because they enjoy being antisocial. Or alone. It’s because they’re tired of being invisible. The pro-active person in me is inspired to produce events aimed at my demographic. To get us collectively off our couches. But I’ve attempted to “help” people in the past. Single people don’t often appreciate being labeled as “unhappily un-coupled.” How eager do you think 40-somethings might be to hear about my “Miserably Middle Aged Mixer?” Exactly. Well, I’ll be working on that while I sit here sewing chapeaux.

29 responses to “The Crone Cliché

  1. LOLOL! …and, you’re in menopause? thats funny!!
    intercourse stops being painful, just as soon as you stop having it!! lolol.
    but seriously, a dry pussy makes for a tighter fit(so says he)

    • I’m through menopause, have been for a while. (I guess I was an early…wilter?) glad to hear “he” has found the positive! And hoping I actually have something (someone) to look forward to!

  2. Sheryl Shoshana

    Being in your presence always made me smile…you give off amazingly positive energy. Staying home for me is sometimes exactly what I need.

  3. Sheryl Shoshana

    By the way, how do i get a normal avatar versus this weird greenish blobby thing.

  4. You are rad. and funny. 😀
    Keep writing!

  5. Abby:
    You may not like what I have to say, and I think you know this already, but you own your life and you can choose (and are choosing) to be whoever you want to be – writer, singer, cranky cunt, glamourama, user of OK Cupid, hater of OK Cupid. It is possible to change your life, and only you have the power to do it. I’m 60, have been divorced 3+ years and reinvented myself at 56 after 33 years of marriage and two kids. My story is not unique, there are lots of us “old broads” out there enjoying the ride. You can, too!

    • Oh honey, what makes you think I’m not enjoying the ride? I spend three glorious months in the desert in my underwear working for Burning Man every year. I’ve said this before on my blog but I’ll repeat it, since you may have missed it:
      Blogging about happy things drives my readership down by about 75%. But bitching and ranting brings the clicks on in droves! So don’t worry your little head about me. I’ve “reinvented” myself about a dozen times and don’t plan on quitting quite yet!

  6. oh the “pile on.”

    maybe it’s the hormones, or lack thereof; maybe it’s her declared, apparent, shut-in status and watching too many commercials for products–male and female–for sex. or maybe she just needs to get laid (also acknowledged that it’s been a while.) abby, you’re a hypocrite. on the one hand you blast the crowd sourcers and their appeal for money, and on the other you solicit your readers to buy your hats. twice. where’s the difference? and how nice that your negative rants elicit responses like this.

    well deserved, honey.

  7. solicitation is solicitation. period.

  8. of course you’d disagree, it’s what you do with any and everyone who has an opinion or thought different from your own. re-read your voluminous work. i have.

  9. funding a design company for “a very talented guy” or receiving a request (from a friend) for help is no different from ” dear world, please buy some of the stuff I’ve made so I have the money and space to make more stuff. ” or, “….that little plea actually worked……more, please!”

    hypocrisy, thy name is abby.

    • Ah, so you’re following me on social media, too. You might want to stop that, since I apparently irritate you. I was, as they say in the vernacular, “putting it out there.” Nothing to read here, move along.

  10. one’s irritation will not preclude one’s ability to read (or comment) on the very obvious hypocrisy of a self-absorbed blogger. that noun is surely redundant, but then as you’ve [also] written your rants bring the clicks in droves.

  11. Because, Abby, that’s what he does…it’s a sorta love/hate thing…

  12. you write for the purpose of venting and sharing your point of view… in a blog. this is fine, but at least be fair–even in a blog. you write well which makes reading the blog mostly enjoyable. but just as you have the privilege to say whatever you want, so too do your readers–be they few or many–to call you on that which you deserve to be called upon. (hypocrisy.)

    if you are trying to “help” people (your word), perhaps you too can be helped.

    • Okay, I had to switch over to my laptop; typing on my phone doesn’t allow me use my myriad talents to their fullest.

      Firstly, there is NO way I’m going to change. Or be “helped.” I am who I am. Follow or unfollow as you see fit. If you’re trying to change my OPINION, that’s another story. I will admit that just about every person I’ve spoken about the whole crowdsourcing topic has disagreed with me. In my defense, I DID end that piece with “Am I raining on these peoples’ parades? Pooh-poohing their dreams and aspirations? Is it a question of “It doesn’t hurt to ask”? I don’t know. Seriously. Am I the only person who finds this stuff offensive?”

      I invited people to weigh in. However, I did not expect to be called a hypocrite. I believe (and will continue to believe) that offering a PRODUCT in exchange for CASH is completely different from just asking for cash. In HIS defense, the “talented guy” who was asking for that $25,000 was offering products in exchange for cash to MOST of his backers. I suppose if I sold my hats in exchange for people funding the founding of my hat making company, that would okay? So instead of just “buying a hat” you’d be helping me “live my dream?” My BIG backers would probably be my family; they wouldn’t want a hat (or hats) in exchange for their support. I just PERSONALLY have a problem with all this “asking.”

      My friends Amy and Carl have asked for help with the funding of their Burning Man-bound art projects because, as Amy said in her reply to my “Brother Can You Spare a Dime?” post, public art can be construed as “for the greater good.” The two of them also started their own business. They bought machines, rebuilt them, rented a space, totally remodeled it, bought everything they needed to get this business off the ground and worked around the clock for a whole year to bring it into the black. They did this ALONE. JUST THE TWO OF THEM. A very impressive feat, indeed, especially in this crappy economy. They didn’t ask their “community” to help them because, I’ll assume, they didn’t feel it was “for the greater good.” It was for THEIR good. Mind you, their community would’ve been falling all over themselves to help because they love Amy and Carl and believe in their many talents. Do you think they SHOULD have asked for help with their business? I’m still not sure. On the one hand, they did it themselves, without being an additional burden to an already overburdened “community.” But, in your world (and everyone else that I’ve spoken to about this) of “Why not ask? Why not crowdsource? they should have.

      I’m still unconvinced. Feel free to continue harassing me to try and “help” me, though!

  13. of course you’re unconvinced, and of course you feel harassed, and of course you bandy about words like “threatened” and “stalked.” it’s doubtful you can be helped; no one is trying to change you. as MLK correctly suggested: “you can choose to be whoever you want to be…” and, “… only you have the power to do it.”

    clearly you don’t feel the need.

    • I was actually stalked. And my life was actually threatened. I wasn’t “bandying about” those words. I have no idea if the threats were serious.
      And neither do you.

      And you’re correct: I do NOT feel the need to change. I have enough people who love me exactly as I am. Strangers? Who won’t even identify themselves? Like I should care about pleasing them? Don’t think so.

      Carry on!

  14. a threat can and should not be taken lightly.

    but a third party obtaining your phone number (easy enough to do) and calling you a “bitch” or sending you “gifts” (as you’ve described both) can hardly be called a “threatening” or “stalking” in a court of law. the former is likely harassment; the latter, (a “gift?”) “flattery.”

    bloggers now come under the heading of “limited public figures.” this is what happens when you “put it out there” as you are wont to call it. you have not been defamed nor slandered. when you put it out there–regardless of your entreaty that only “friends” respond–you should be prepared for whatever response comes your way.

    • There was a previous threat (threats, actually) a few years ago, to kill me. So yeah, different instance.

      And I am, quite obviously, prepared for whatever responses come my way. I just have contempt for the anonymous because it smacks of cowardice.

      Again, MY opinion. YMMV

      Oh. And I”m going to step AWAY from the computer now. I need to buy more supplies to make more hats! (Thank you Universe!) And go on an OKCupid date! (Pointless, I know, other than to generate more bullshit and self-pity on here…)

  15. “There comes a time when you look into the mirror and you realize that what you see is all that you will ever be. And then you accept it. Or you kill yourself.

    Or you stop looking in mirrors.”

    ― Tennessee Williams

    • I’m there, thanks, and I’m too chicken to off myself. So I’m working on coming to peace with who and what I am.

      Of course, that quote is moot if you believe, as you apparently do, that people are capable of change. So?

  16. you’ve already said you don’t, won’t, and shan’t change. and therein lies the mootness.

    have fun on your date, if you can.

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