Monthly Archives: January 2014

Culture!

After too many days cooped up in my apartment suffering from the Cold That Wouldn’t Quit, I finally felt cured. So I took in some of the city’s culture.

Thursday night I ventured out to the Brooklyn Museum for “Make Hats with Heidi Lee.” The invitation promised one beverage, a guided tour of the Gaultier show and an opportunity to “get creative with design alchemist and milliner Heidi Lee and fabricate fashion’s ultimate accessory: a hat or fascinator inspired by the exhibition.”

Between the people I knew and the people they knew, we made up almost half the group and we were definitely avant: many shades of Manic Panic, thrift shop chic and some seriously arched eyebrows. But as cool as we were, we were totally out-cooled by two uber-fashionable ladies: The Idiosyncratic Fashionistas, Jean and Valerie. I’ve seen photos of these women online and in the press. Their card reads  “Blogging since 2009; wearing clothes and having opinions for a lot longer.” I especially appreciate their tagline: “Setting a bad, bad example for older women everywhere.” As all the kids are saying these days, THIS! So inspiring!

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The tour was far too brief; I could’ve spent hours ogling the couture. That was to be expected, I suppose. I enjoyed my Amstel Light. And then it was time to get serious. Everyone was very earnest about their creations, gluing and sewing and consulting one another. Ms. Lee made the rounds attempting to teach but most of her students seemed happy to do their own thing. The results? I was feeling minimal and wound up with something that looked a little like one Mickey Mouse ear; Pinky’s piece was wildly exuberant. Given that we’d all be working with the same basic supplies, the “class” created a staggering array of designs that were surprisingly varied. It culminated with an enthusiastic mutual admiration society, everyone snapping cell phone shots of each other modeling their creations.

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On Friday I ventured out to Long Island City and PS1 for the Mike Kelley show. My friend Karen had been wanting me to go for a while and it was easy to see why: this guy’s work really moved me. The fact that he had produced SO MUCH and in every imaginable medium — film, performance, sculpture, sketches, everything —  and that it took up the whole damn museum was overwhelming. That he’d killed himself was just…depressing.

On the one hand, how could he abandon his work? When he’d achieved so much success? On the other hand, it was easy to see why life was just too much. So many of his pieces made me feel like I could understand him, grasp what was going on in his brain…his very, very busy brain. It appeared that his brain never gave him a moment’s peace. The dredged detritus, the found objects assemblages, his fascination with architecture, with random snippets of the past — I could so relate. My favorite piece was an enormous spread of little charms and pins and random things lined up like they had a lineage. It was so gloriously obsessive! I only wish I’d been able to meet him.

Last night, after drinking my way through the two playoff games with Marianne and Bill, I met up with a few friends at The Continental‘s anniversary bash. It was a sweaty, beer-soaked mess by the time I got there and I didn’t last long. I’d had all the culture I could handle for one week.

A Pretty Face Is Worth Looking a Thousand Times!

Oy vey. OKCupid is getting more and more difficult to parse. Yes, there are sincere, real live humans on there, looking for love (or to get laid). But the ratio of real profiles to fake ones is dwindling. WHY all the men professing to be “God fearing?” WHY so many photos of lakes or beaches or plates of pasta without any questions answered or profile questions filled out? WHY the laughably fake profiles? And most irritatingly, WHY so many fake emails? There’s something oddly poetic about the hilarious sentence structure (or lack thereof) in the missives. Are they computer generated? Written by someone who doesn’t speak (or write…or understand) English? I have no idea what the story is but I can at least appreciate their entertainment value. I received these four in one afternoon:

1.
hello gorgeous how are you doing today and how was your night been,but why did you refuse to reply my message gorgeous……hope to read back from you soon

I didn’t refuse to reply. I’m replying now. To your FAKE profile. You won’t be here in 24 hours. Wanna bet?

ooh that lovely and i will like to tell you a little stuffs about me.I live in Dallas Texas. Have been widowed since 2004, Just haven’t found someone who I would want to spend the rest of my life with so far. I have a son, 17 almost 18 going off to college next year and his name is Samuel (Sam). This time of my life seems to be a much better time to meet people now that my kid is older. When kids are younger it is really difficult to date. Now I can focus on someone and myself. I have a stable job, I work as a contractor and i also work in my own oil and gas company in Spain vent ham and Russia. I enjoy getting outdoors, going to movies, short day trips..and the list goes on. I also do not drink nor smoke,I’m a gentleman who owns his words, who is independent, self-confident, knows his worth, loves God and treats people, and especially women and older people with respect, i am focused, disciplined, playful, fun, sense of humor always and a warrior with a tender heart. I’m widowed and completely unattached and I will like you to feel free in asking me anything you want to know about me, just ask anything i will surely answer all, without leaving a word behind. cause i am open minded and as open as a book. i will be waiting for your next mail, hope you are having a nice weekend…….mata

Fuck off. [WHAT THE FUCK? “Vent ham?” I’ll assume that was supposed to be Viet Nam. Huh. And yes, 24 hours later…gone.]

2.
Hi..how you doing today?i just came across your page and it was nice going thru it which made me to stop by just to say a big HI and it will be a pleasure to know you more if only you wouldn’t mind.
Hope to read from you soon.
Warm regards.
Percy.

Sigh. Another fake email. [Whoever writes these has absolutely NO use for punctuation! Also gone 24 hours later.]

3.
Hi there, How are you doing..? How is the weather treating you..? am indeed so sorry if you think am disturbing you with my message but honestly speaking, your profile said it all about you and there is a saying that says, a pretty face is worth looking a thousand times.. Am new on here looking for my soul-mate, friend, companion, my best friend, someone i can trust, confide in, and show all my love to, I will be so glad to read back from you as i would like and love to get closer to your heart!! Cheers, Hope to read from you, I wait patiently.. Edward.

Fuck off. [Aaaaaand yes, gone within 24 hours.]

4.
I believe signing up for this site is a way of showing you want to start something different and you are not a coward who will be afraid to start a new adventure…..my name is Bob i will like you to take a look at my profile if you find it interesting and you want to know me better…send me a reply…if not good luck in your search….xoxo

I didn’t respond. Why bother? They all disappear and none of them are real. Sigh. Many of these fake messages contain phone numbers and email addresses with a plea from the “writer” to get in touch off the site. I suspect these are scams but have no idea what the endgame might be. No one I know is dumb enough to fall prey to these come-ons and neither am I.

This profile was so hilarious I had to type it out:

My self-summary
i ‘m peter my name am here to have a serious relationship i need who will be with me through out my life and make me happy and also will surely make her happy till rest of her life

What I’m doing with my life
am a hard working man am serious with my work

I’m really good at
am really good to make who i love happy all day AND NITE

The first thing people usually notice about me
many thing like making people happy all day and nite

The six things I could never do without
love who i love make my baby happy

I spend a lot of time thinking about
who i meet her and i will love her till rest of my life

There was one profile that had three “normal” sentences and then nothing but gobbledygook: alkskjfhhffhgfh akhsjdfytaj  djflskhaweythf. Whaaaat? Another had a few somewhat reasonable, if poorly written, sentences with stuff like “I am a man who” and then midway through slipped into “I am a woman who.” Whoops!

All this shit makes me wonder who the hell is minding the store up there at Match.com, OKCupid’s overlords. Any ideas?

Aside

I am a cliché. A pathetic, text book cliché. Here I sit in my pajamas, watching bad late night TV. The commercials? Tena Pads. (Don’t miss a beat, nothing drips when Tena twists!) Check. Cialis. If I had a penis … Continue reading

Aside

Oddly enough, all my online dating has resulted in quite a bit of introspection. No, not about what a bitch I am to strangers who can’t string a sentence together. I know why I do that. It’s more in response … Continue reading

Bitch vs. Chicken Shit

Just a quick note:

I never really know who reads this blog. I can check stats and monitor comments but stats aren’t very specific and comments can be made from fake email addresses. In the past I’ve posted about receiving death threats and being stalked. Well, stalked might be too strong a word; what would you call it when someone anonymously sends you letters and gifts in the mail? In each instance, I can only assume that these people — the threatener and the package-sender — were reading — and reacting to — this blog. I am not a word-mincer in my day-to-day life and I’m most definitely not a word-mincer in this blog. Anyone who’s read more than one post knows this. So I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised if it elicits strong responses.

Well today I elicited yet another strong response. I received an anonymous voicemail message from a blocked number. The message? You’re a bitch. A bitch.

Okay, anyone who’s read my blog also knows that I am a self-professed bitch. A cranky old cunt. And a whole lot of other bad words that a stranger’s name-calling only reinforces. And confirms. In other words, not a surprise.

So yeah. Just thought I’d let whoever that was know that I am fully aware of my bitchitude, thankyouverymuch. You won’t hear me defending myself or protesting any negative labels. Or, heaven forbid, apologizing. For anything. In other words, go fuck yourself. And grow a pair. Because anonymity is the refuge of the cowardly. I also won’t bother asking you to identify yourself because anyone who goes to the trouble of punching in the appropriate numbers to make an anonymous call is too much of a pussy to speak their mind publicly.

I could easily punch in the appropriate numbers to block anonymous calls. But what fun would that be? I wanna know when I’ve hit a nerve, even if said nerve belongs to someone too chicken to own their opinion.

Aside

Over the past year I’ve felt increasingly overwhelmed by the number of crowdsourcing requests I receive. Obviously this is mostly because crowdsourcing is fairly new. Secondly, as a member of “the Burning Man Community,” I know hundreds of people doing … Continue reading