Separating the Wheat from the…Bots

Sooooo, yeah. I’m back on OKCupid. Even though I swore I would NEVER do the online dating thing again.

I’ve gone on one date so far and have three — THREE! — lined up for this week. On the one hand, it’s like Lotto: Ya gotta be in it to win it. On the other hand, I feel compelled (obviously) to be proactive. I know from reading too many inane Facebook posts that “It’s ALL about intention!” And on the third hand, it’s really a peculiar sort of masochism; I’m sort of forcing myself to go on these dates. For example, my date tomorrow is dinner with a 56-year-old banker — A BANKER! — who looks more like 66 and prides himself on being “erudite.” His initial salvo included this: “Shall we see if we can make magic together, or at least get into some serious trouble?” I imagine “serious trouble” for this guy means a second martini, not sitting in a hot spring with 75 naked ne’er-do-wells on acid. But I’m forging on, common sense be damned!

In order to even reach the desired result of an actual in-the-flesh encounter, it’s necessary to wade through the bullshit. Come-ons from guys who’ll never leave the comfort of their couches. Flirtations from kids — KIDS! — who aren’t even old enough to drink. Or shave. Seriously? Then there are the bots. I’ve complained about them before and can’t believe these sites haven’t yet found a way to intercept them. Check out the eerie similarity between many of these messages.

Just went through your profile here and it really caught my attention that i can’t leave without saying hi. You are a very pretty woman with a charming look. I would like to learn more about you and be your good friend. Please get back to me here if you don’t mind. Have a sweet night rest! 
Donald…

When I pointed out to “Donald” that he was a little far away to date (Tennessee), he responded, I don’t want you to be bothered about the distance between us, the most important thing is understanding and the feelings we both share together. I think distance should not be a barrier when it comes to love and affection. I believe i can get my soul mate in any part of the world and i am open to relocate to wherever she lives. Please give me the chance to learn more about you.

Good morning my Dear, 
How are you doing today…I hope you are doing okay with your family

I let this guy know that I was not, in fact, with my family. (Do men just assume that women involuntarily reproduce? As if out of sheer habit?) When I said it wasn’t really worth communicating since he lives so far away (California), he replied, I really dont care about Distance becos i do travel alot .. Well, I really don’t care to date you “becos” you can’t fucking spell!

Hello , How are you today…??? Your profile was interesting. You sound very sincere and special. If possible, I would love to get to know you. I decided to join confirio because of the loneliness time I experience last year until now; I pray things work out… More about me I am single never married, with a son, an civil engineering … I am the only child of my parent, mentally stable, physically fit, a bunch of laughs, warm, caring, honest, good listening, God Fearing, and a positive person. I am real easy person to talk to and a good listener. I enjoy chilling with my love once, I like going to the cinema or watching movies in my room, I like swimming, fishing, listening to music and dance to any kind of music, traveling, going bowling and also a good cook, I can make crepes, pasta, Italian, and anything from scrape and my favorite are chips with chicken, shrimp, crab and rice. I am a family oriented person and there is more, but it would be better for you to find some things out for yourself..

I let this guy know that anyone who included “God fearing” in his description of himself might not be the best match for me. And what the hell is “Confirio?” I’m assuming that’s some other dating site that sells its content to OKCupid (which is also Match.com). Though he does cook rice!

Hello Good Evening!! and how are you doing?I am new on here and also new to this online stuff.I would like to know more about you.Your smile is heart warming.Hope to hear from you soon.I am an open book and i am willing to answer honestly..Hope to hear from you soon

Tell me that one doesn’t sound almost exactly like this one:

Hello, How are you doing today and how was your day and life doing?I am fascinated about your profile.I am new to this online stuff and i have been here just a couple of minutes.Your smile is heart warming that put a smile on my face.I would like to know more about you and have a chat as well.hope to hear from you soon and take care “Thank you for your note!” I replied. “You live a little too far away to meet me for coffee. Do you visit NYC often?” And he came back with some of the same weird shit: Ooh really, but am also looking for a long distance relationship if only i meet my true love no matter the distance i will relocate or visit her anytime she wants me… so if you would give me the chance or accept what am saying please i promise you that you wont regret it if i comes into your way okay… hoping to hear from you again soon That doesn’t even make sense!

Nice profile you got, i am interested in knowing more about you.. please take a look at my profile and drop me a note if interested. 
I responded: “Your profile is quite nice, also, but you’re kind of far away to meet up for coffee. Do you visit NYC often? Ever?”
If we find each other interesting and get along perfectly, i don’t see distance as an issue. I have a very flexible work schedule and i am open to possible relocation to where ever i find my perfect match. I sometime do visit NYC, tell me about yourself And again, I reply: “How will we know if we get along perfectly if we can’t meet each other? If you find yourself in NYC, let me know!”
 
Because, ya know, I like to be polite! Well, not always:
 
Hello
Hi!
I only wish u live in new jersey your to far
I only glad I live to far.
HAR HAR HAR!
 
This one’s my favorite, though:
ow [sic] are you faring? Are you haven a good weekend so far? Mine was awesome. Well, I actually stop and drop this message into your box because I find your profile very interesting. Can we start making some friendship then to learn from each other likes and dislikes? I am hopping to hear from you soon.
I had to ask: It isn’t the weekend anymore. Are you a real person or a bot? (And I’m flattered that you’re “hopping” to hear from me! Bwahahahah!)
nice to here from you,i am a real person why did you ask me that
 
Most of these men no longer have profiles. Almost all of them incorporate the words “get to know you better” (or “more”) in some variation and are mysteriously unable to grasp punctuation. Many admit to being “new to this site,” perhaps so women will be more forgiving? These illiterate auto-generated idiots give me the creeps. Their messages remind me of the spam promising you millions if you contact the King of Ghana (or wherever) or pleas for marriage from hot young babes in Russia.
 
Oh well, it’s merely an amusing distraction among the teenagers, playas and, hopefully, real live guys who are, sincerely, in search of a relationship. Or at least some entertaining company!
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4 responses to “Separating the Wheat from the…Bots

  1. Abby – How could you possibly pass up the chance to date a man with the ability to cook “anything from scrape?” Bwahhahah….

  2. Abby, I love your blogs. There is usually something that makes me laugh out loud.

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