Here’s Some Whine With My Whining!

Sometimes the most amusing part of my blog posts are the comments. People often misunderstand me. If I were writing for, say, a magazine or newspaper (as I once did) I would put everything into context. But since this is a continuing story, more or less, I don’t feel it’s really necessary. I assume that my readers are already acquainted with me, if not in the brick and mortar world, then here, online. They read what I write because they enjoy it. Though judging by some of their comments, that is most definitely not always the case! The complaints kinda crack me up. I write for free. They read for free. And never in the history of communication has it been easier to, in the blink of an eye, move on. Read something else. Ooooh, look! Shiny! Anyway, my most recent post elicited a few choice reactions. So choice I had to share them, in addition to them being available. Allow me to bore you all with my responses to…my responses.

Jim asked me a reasonable question. I responded reasonably. Andy and Karen? Ditto.

Then n.c. weighs in. I’m already at a disadvantage. Is n.c. a man or a woman? Old or young? Single or not? Since everyone reading knows (almost) everything about me, it might be nice to have some context. As in, “I”m happily married and therefore in a position to give advice or cast aspersions!” But I really don’t know who I’m corresponding with. When n.c. said, “Surely in your absence you’ve had bar stories, boy stories, valentine stories, st. patty’s stories, millinery stories that are far more compelling than these misbegotten attempts with online pablum,” it’s tough to know where he/she is coming from. Is he/she really that bored with my dating complaints? If so, why not disregard this particular post and tune back in when I write about my travels or nightlife? While most of what I write about is the sad state of dating affairs, it isn’t the only thing I write about. Does n.c. read every newspaper and magazine from cover to cover? Wouldn’t it be simple to be more discerning? Read only the topics of interest to him/her? But in response to the question, no, n.c., I don’t have any stories about the bar or boys. My Valentine’s Day was pretty fun and I do believe I blogged about it, albeit briefly. I went to a Kostume Kult party and then on to Marquee, where I was packed in with a million gay boys and drag queens. At that point I didn’t have any St. Patty’s stories since the post was on March 12. And millinery stories? Well, I’ve been posting pix of my hat making adventures on Facebook. There are dozens of millinery blogs by people far more skilled and experienced than I am so I didn’t really feel like competing. Anyway, I hope that addresses your concerns, n.c.

Next up is Gregor, who often has valuable insights. Good to know that when “a man is not interested in a woman, there’s nothing more for him to say.” But it didn’t quite answer the “why” of his being so rude. As in, WHY respond rudely? Why not just not respond at all? It’s all really conversational anyway, but…

Then we have a new contributor to the mix, “dude.” He immediately assumes I have 800+ readers, which is far from the case. On my best day ever, I topped out at 350 views. Most of the searches that dump people off at my site are for “Le Trapeze” or “penis pix” or “panty boy.” No, not dating, but also nothing any of these thoughtful commenters would be interested in either. Dude is incredulous when I tell him that my negative, depressing or disastrous date posts receive more viewers than my upbeat, cheerful posts do. Sadly, the stats don’t lie. And when he suggests I write about something “interesting,” citing n.c.’s request for a post about millinery, I am compelled to ask, would you all be THAT interested in reading about my hat making? Cause, ya know, I can certainly describe the hours of hand sewing I’ve spent over the past week or so. I can easily explain the rapture I experience while shopping in the garment district, fondling trims and notions. If, you know, that’s your…thing. And the “shrewish” jab? Well, whatever. I’ve called myself a cunt so many times I’m surprised anyone even reads my damn blog. But he didn’t stop there. Oh, no. He has a LOT to say to me. Aw, go read it if you want. Moving along.

Last night, while in bed reading, my phone went “bing” and, oh look! A new comment. It’s Kath. But she’s responding to…my latest tweet. Huh? Um, okay. Here’s the tweet, for those of you who aren’t hanging on my every social networked word: I cannot believe anyone wants to watch D list “celebrities” dive into a pool. What’s next, “D Listers Sitting On Their Couches”?  #splash It was an off the cuff remark after far too many commercials for “Splash,” the new ABC reality show about, yes, D list celebrities (more like former celebrities) diving into a pool. A ridiculous premise for a TV show, don’t you think? But I’m betting Kath has NO idea what I’m talking about. Our back and forth here:

Kath
you have the temerity to talk about D-list celebrities when you pander the same bullshit (“controversy?”, yeah, right) here?
nice try.
Abby
Hahah! You’re comparing my blog with a major network’s reality show? That’s hilarious!
Kath
no abby, i’m coming the d-list bullshit of which you speak with your own bullshit. it seems to be endless.
Abby
Huh? Fuck off.
Kath
typo. urgency to respond created “coming” when i meant “comparing” [the d-list bullshit which offends you] to your own oft-written bullshit about men and dating and their apparent inability to find a noun, verb, adjective and cogent thought.
apparently it’s contageous (not the typos.)
as for fucking off, how sweet you’ve composed the cyber equivalent to “i know you are but what am i.”
grow up, stop writing, or stop complaining. you made your “controversy” (readers love it!) now sleep with it.

Oh, Kath, Kath, Kath! Sooooo many things are wrong with this picture! Firstly, is my blog THAT important you feel an actual “urgency” to respond? Wow, my writing is more compelling than I thought! And far more compelling than n.c. and Dude have been finding it recently! Secondly, I’m not “offended” by ANY D list bullshit. I just think the premise for the show is a bit weak. That’s all. None of it is bullshit, really. But hey, thanks for “comparing” my “bullshit” about men not being about to string a sentence together with Louie Anderson (who?) being unable to climb out of a pool (a big crisis on the show, apparently, although there was a fucking ladder only a few feet away) or Kareem Abdul-Jabbar bellyflopping. I fail to see the comparison but I certainly can’t control what other people think! I will say, however, pardon the FUCK outta me for preferring men who aren’t functionally illiterate. I don’t believe I’ve ever had a relationship with a man who didn’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re.” The temerity, indeed!

Her admonition to “grow up” falls on some seriously deaf ears here, my dear. Je refuse! If I’ve made it to 53 without growing up, why would I start now? Stop writing? Uh, no. How about you stop reading? There are, literally, millions — MILLIONS! — of blogs! Why the hell do you (and all these other nutjobs) insist upon reading mine if it annoys you so? Oy motherfucking vey! Breathe, Abby… Okay! Stop complaining? FUCK OFF! Oh, that’s right. Saying fuck off is “the cyber equivalent of ‘I know you are but what am I’.” I AM A CUNT. A cranky old, jaundiced, jaded, shriveled up, bitter CUNT! Are you fucking NEW?

As for “making my controversy,” I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about. If you mean what I was saying in my response to Dude (and that I’ve mentioned in the past) about readers enjoying the bullshit, well, um, yeah. So I’m so grateful to you for providing more of it I’ve devoted an entire post to the subject! Now, let’s see how many views it gets! I’m ready to sleep with it. Which is a damn good thing, because ain’t nothing or nobody else sleepin’ with me! Bwahahaha. Oh my! Thanks, Kath!

On a related note, can someone tell me how people like Kath find me? And why?

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6 responses to “Here’s Some Whine With My Whining!

  1. I am truly exasperated by the stupidity of this Kath person.

  2. I must comment on the blog about comments. I love you and your jaded cuntiness. Too bad that other people don’t get it because you are a really amusing writer and sweetheart underneath the tough exterior.

  3. One of my favorite things is “Newspaper Fillers”. These are a mishmash of fun little oddities, facts and irrelevancy that fill the space in a newspaper column if the article is too short.
    Back in the day I would read the paper and put it on my answering machine as my outgoing message. My friends would call just to hear:
    “Hello, did you know the YWCA is launching an anti-girdle campaign, please leave a message,” or
    “Yesterday the Israeli army got a suspicious package, put it in a padded cell and ended up blowing up 20 pounds of chocolate.”
    Abby’s blog is the fun filler to everyday life. EDGEY with humor and sharing frustrations we all have experienced with online dating (I am still waiting for her to encounter the one I met with rotted teeth and he wasn’t in the Pogues)
    For Kath and all these peeps getting their panties in an uproar, simmer down! Just think how thought provoking it would be if your outgoing message said: “Hi this is Kath today cranky Abby told me to FUCK Off!”

  4. I always loved your writing and this particular post was the funniest thing you wrote since that piece about “PETA Pussy” back in the old Outlaw Biker days! (I can still see Casey’s face when he asked me, “Do you know what PETA pussy is?” Ha!) So if I ever type LOL — just know I really am laughing out loud! You’re a pisser, Abby, don’t change.

  5. Pingback: So Last Week 162 @ Jamye Waxman M.Ed.

  6. Oh lordy.. this has made my day for here in London, UK, it is pouring with icy rain, 48 degrees fahrenheit, a week away from the first day of summer! Indeed, bless you for writing this, I, too, find folk ‘very’ funny (peculiar, not haha) and I am 63! But whoever said “There’s none so queer as folk” hit it right on the nail! Keep writing.. so that we can keep reading!

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