Mean or Mannerless?

Thank heavens I’m in this phase of creativity overdrive because my usual distraction, the online dating world, has been woefully underwhelming. As I posted recently, my numbers on Match.com aren’t very inspiring. I won’t bother whining about the boring, bald, chubby or functionally illiterate. What’s the point? But I will tell you about a few email exchanges that have left me wondering if either a. all the men I’m matched with are having much better luck or b. they simply don’t have any manners.

One guy has his location listed as Yonkers when he is, in fact (or says he currently is), in Portland, with plans to move to New York in the future. We exchanged a few pleasant experiences and his last note to me ended with his email address and this: let’s stay connected via email if you leave the sight. yep, my nickname is chip.
I can tell i like your personality and you are fun and chill. 

Okay, so the fact that the guy can’t spell “site” might be a deal breaker but I’ve loosened up on my…standards. It’d be nice if he’d just either make a date but I suppose that’s not so easy when you’re 3,000 miles away.

I mentioned Parrothead in my previous post. He mentioned St. Patrick’s Day in his profile as well as bemoaning women who are so old they barely have a pulse. (Man, don’t I know how that feels!) He sounded…reasonable. To refresh your memory, our complete correspondence history:

Hi!
I have enough of a pulse for a dozen people. Fifty if they’re knitting.
Long time Buffet fan. Have numerous outfits for St. Patrick’s Day. Is your local parade the same day as the big one?
Do you ever make it into Manhattan? Would love to have a beer with you!
Abby

always nice to hear from a fellow parrothead, I get into the city every once in while, but am an island kid at heart, I have outfits for st patricks day also, tux for our parade which is alway the 2nd sun in march , take the train out one year you’ll love our parade there are so many bars along the route.
bob

Thanks for replying, Bob.
Best of luck in your search.
A

But then after I’d posted about it, I thought that maybe perhaps this was his shy (awkward) way of inviting me out to his parade. I decided I’d give him another try:

Okay, sorry to bother you but I had to ask…
Was your last email an invitation or a blow-off?
It’s so very difficult to discern what people mean here. I don’t want to misunderstand.
Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
Abby

to be honest with you I don’t remember ever conversing

Well, that pretty much says it all, I guess.
Best of luck to you!
Abby

Now, is it me, or would it have been SUCH A BOTHER for this guy to LOOK IN HIS MOTHERFUCKING INBOX? To perhaps, oh, I dunno, READ THE EMAIL I SENT HIM? Maybe refer to what I’d sent him? So he could SEE our “conversing?” HOW HARD IS THAT? Did he grow up in a fucking test tube? Has he had NO interaction with women? Ever? Okay, granted, he probably isn’t my type. He 56, lives on Long Island and likes to golf and, apparently, never comes into the city, even though he lists “museums in the city” as one of his interests. So no, not the man of my dreams. But how could he so easily — and rudely — dismiss me? Does he have NO feelings at all? Jeebus. Should I write him and tell him what a rude asshole he is? Yeah, I think I will!

You wrote:
“to be honest with you I don’t remember ever conversing”
I’m not sure if you’re aware, but it’s fairly simple to check your inbox for previously received correspondence.
Or did you mean to dismiss me so rudely?
Online dating is so difficult. We’re all bravely putting ourselves out there. It isn’t that hard to be polite. A simple “I’m not interested” suffices if you are, in fact, not interested. You complain right in your profile about women looking you over and moving on to someone else when they could meet you, a “nice funny guy.” I haven’t met you but thus far you haven’t been very nice.
Again, best of luck to you in your search. Perhaps YOU will continue to pass over “nice, funny women” and wind up dating women who’ll treat you like shit.

There! Hah! The pathetic cyber equivalent of throwing a glass of wine in his face!

Even more troublesome than the (somewhat expected) assholery and social awkwardness is the phenomenon of disappearing dudes. They “like” a photo or send me a “wink” and by the time I notice and go to check out their profiles, they’ve vanished. What happened? Did they visit my profile and then miraculously find true love? Chicken out? Or maybe their subscription expired mere moments after finding me? I guess I’ll never know about Kindman from Kentucky or OUTSTANDING in New Jersey. Not a huge loss. I suppose you’ve guessed by now that I’ll be allowing my subscription to March.come expire…

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28 responses to “Mean or Mannerless?

  1. Abby,
    Do you know anyone who has had good luck with these sites? My luck has been poor but then again I’m a little doofy. I have one friend who has found a good match on Match recently (last 6 months) and they are doing well. Sadly, I know many more who have not faired well.

    • I have two friends who met and married someone they met online. I’ve heard stories but sadly, as you say, most people don’t do too well. My other single friends and I have concluded that perhaps there’a reason people are online trying to date: they don’t have any social graces. But then, WE’RE on there! So…no answers. I sure do wish it were easier to meet new people in the real world. I go out a LOT. I mean A LOT! And it just isn’t as easy now as it once was, both for people my age AND for people younger. Sigh. If it happens, it happens, I guess.

  2. Mean or Mannerless?

    Why can’t it be both?

  3. Abby, I think the online world has lost manners and basic consideration in a big way. It’s the lack of face to face, so it’s some one sitting there with their egos. Easy to blow some one off and go shopping. I think of it as a filter.

  4. this is “same ‘ol; same ‘ol”–the tale and the comments. don’t you tire of the cheese with that whine?

    surely in your absence you’ve had bar stories, boy stories, valentine stories, st. patty’s stories, millinery stories that are far more compelling than these misbegotten attempts with online pablum.

  5. OK, here is how things work from the male POV. When a man is interested in a woman, whether online or in real time, he makes that interest known beyond any plausible doubt. (Unless he is so socially inept that you would not want him anyway. Concerning such men I’ve nothing more to say.) If a man is not interested in a woman, there’s nothing more for him to say. Literally. The average man has no interest in telling a woman he otherwise has has no contact with that he is not into her. He’d rather just move on and try again with someone else (for men it is all about quantity of effort, not quality), and that’s not going to change. So if you ever have an interaction online and you are left in doubt of his interest, there’s your answer. Move on.

    • Okay. But WHY would he bother responding to me at all? I thought the consensus on here was that if you aren’t interested, don’t say anything. And beyond that, would it have been such a chore to simply respond to my question rather than be rude? If I say “Which dress do you prefer, the green one or the yellow one?” is it necessary to say “You’re fat and ugly”? Which doesn’t answer the question. In a world where we’re all putting our asses on the line all the fucking time I don’t think a little respect is too much to ask. But yeah, whatever. People are thoughtless and rude.

  6. you silly girl! don’t you understand that n.c. is trying to encourage you? clearly you have much to say–on many topics–but by repeating yourself you disappoint your 800+ readers who are rooting for you; quietly imploring either new topics or better examination of old ones.

    there’s much to see, and read. why would you force us to “move along” unless you insist?

    take a compliment when one is offered.

    • Dude,
      Firstly, I’m not a “silly girl.” I’m a woman and for the most part far from silly.
      Once upon a time I was actually paid for my writing. Those days are over. And now that I am writing, essentially, for myself, I will write what I want to write. My readers, whether there are 2, 200 or 2000 of them, can choose what, if anything, to read.
      That said, my whining and depression is, perhaps not surprisingly, a far bigger “draw” than any of my success stories. Meaning that though it may appear that people are “rooting for me,” most are, in fact, hanging on every hilariously horrifying word. Of course, I suppose I could write about other sad things, which I often do.
      Lately I’ve felt oddly suppressed. In addition to weirdo stalker-y guy (who sent a note to my HOME after I stopped “talking about” him here), many of my readers are people I know, some very well. Unfortunately that has a slightly silencing effect upon my writing, the conundrum of blogging: a (sometimes extremely) personal diary that is open for all the world to see. It is why I haven’t been posting as often.
      Anyway, I will continue to post what I feel inspired to write about. Believe me when I say that I often temper my emotions. And what may appear comic is, most of the time, stupefyingly depressing. The best I can do is try and laugh about it, maybe blog about it and then soldier on. I don’t need my sadness multiplied by being told that “you” don’t want to hear it. In other words, if the topic is not of interest, move along. Nothing to read here. Check back again when I blather about something else.

  7. “whining” and “depression” a draw? what planet are you living on? “hilarity” is certainly in the eye of the beholder; there’s nothing barely amusing here with the possible exception of gregor’s comments and your entreaties to meet him. (he’s demurred; what does that say?) and yet he persists.

    your “open diary” certainly is subjective and subject to your momentary needs. that it remains open to the 2 or 2000 certainly also allows for comments that you may not like, but bristling at “silly girl” is unbelievably HILARIOUS given your penchant for the childish, churlish, and shrewish. (funny, you don’t look shrewish.)

    and petty.

    surely when you were a paid writer your editor made recommendations that you “try” this, or “consider this approach….”

    you have zero responsibility to your readers, but wouldn’t you prefer to write something …..interesting (hence n.c.’s last remark about “millinery.”)

    • Sigh.
      Why is that men resort almost immediately to such scathing words when a women doesn’t bow down to whatever they have to say? I suppose THAT is why I’m single.
      I am living on the same planet you are. The planet where my stats go WAY up when I write about depressing dates. And then down again when I blog about almost anything else. Also appealing (apparently, on my planet): depression about exes, being old, self-loathing…yup, all the whining and bemoaning one’s circumstances does, for whatever reason, result in corresponding clicks. Maybe it’s the counterbalance to all that “chirpy, my life ROCKS!” shit we all see scrolling by on Facebook. Other than that I can offer no explanation. Are you aware of reality TV? How much of that is uplifting? Yes, there’s some…but most of it is beyond horrifying.
      Ah, humans!
      And of course I did what my editor asked. She was signing my paychecks. Are you? If people were paying, I’d be more prone to catering to their whims, as opposed to mine. If I had advertising, ditto. Thus far this is pretty much my world. You’re MORE than welcome to criticize! That, too, drives the readership up. (Imagine that! Controversy!) I was also once an editor. But I wouldn’t tell someone how to craft their magazine, only how to write for mine.
      Grego never “demurred.” He didn’t respond. Yes, one more man who can’t answer a question. Of course, he also happens to be MARRIED. And if one were to Google him, one might happen upon an amusing rant about what a scumbag he is. But I don’t know the man.
      As for my “bristling” it was merely a knee-jerk response to “silly girl,” which sounds like a commercial for Trix. Surely you could do better. Or is that my inner editor?
      I’ve gotta get something accomplished today. But I’ll be happy to report back tomorrow on how many more clicks this little disagreement has inspired!

  8. no one is suggesting you bow down to anyone. why is it that women have a knee-jerk reaction to anything allegedly critical, especially when a suggestion [by another] is made?

    so you’re playing the “reality tv” card and pandering to the lowest common? (e.g. “whining”, “depression,” “bad dates,” “stalker-y” (what does that mean?), and advertising?) it’s been suggested that you write well (i subscribe to that too) but c’mon abby! why get offended at a gram of a tweak? (some grown-ups still eat trix.)

    perhaps you might get advertising, a promoter, (a movie-deal) if you used your multiple talents….better. surely you read the work of other bloggers (listed attached to many of your posts), what makes them compelling is variety.

    your “inner editor” should sit down with my “inner jewish mother.” you could compare tattoos.

  9. and again you can’t take a compliment.

    .

  10. your inner editor should have stopped you at “thank you” and “thank you.”

    dele and stet are not your strengths.

  11. thank you

  12. “Grego . . . . also happens to be MARRIED. And if one were to Google him, one might happen upon an amusing rant about what a scumbag he is. But I don’t know the man.”
    1. You don’t know if I am married or not.
    2. I Googled, and found no such rant about me, or any rant, period.
    Your readers can draw their own conclusions.

    • Perhaps it was another Gregor, but I don’t think so. I Googled you and that’s what I found. The rant may have been deleted but I stand by my story.

      • aint reality bloggoville grand?

      • Oh yes. And as an update to this thread of replies, the day you all were commenting (and I was basically bickering with you) the number of views doubled. So indeed, controversy brings readership. So next time don’t bother asking “what universe” I’m living in. Cause it’s this one, baby. This one.

  13. you have the temerity to talk about D-list celebrities when you pander the same bullshit (“controversy?”, yeah, right) here?

    nice try.

  14. no abby, i’m coming the d-list bullshit of which you speak with your own bullshit. it seems to be endless.

  15. typo. urgency to respond created “coming” when i meant “comparing” [the d-list bullshit which offends you] to your own oft-written bullshit about men and dating and their apparent inability to find a noun, verb, adjective and cogent thought.

    apparently it’s contageous (not the typos.)

    as for fucking off, how sweet you’ve composed the cyber equivalent to “i know you are but what am i.”

    grow up, stop writing, or stop complaining. you made your “controversy” (readers love it!) now sleep with it.

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