Less than Positive Profiles

I’ve got a few less than positive passages in my OKCupid profile. I warn men not to contact me if they aren’t near me geographically or chronologically, if they don’t have a photo posted or if they’re married (from whence the “it’s not OKGetMyDickWet” line came, which inspired much virtual venom and nasty comments). I mention these things because it’s easier to say what I don’t want than what I do. I can pretty safely assume that I wouldn’t get along too well with anyone who considers “God and faith” to be an important part of their lives, who can’t spell or punctuate, or who doesn’t know the difference between “your” and you’re.” But as I’ve said before, I have no idea what I do want.

OKCupid lets its users know about recent “Activity” and today it led me to a profile that really resonated with me. I don’t meet the man’s stringent requirements, not by a long shot. But his adamance about not wasting time — his or anyone else’s — as well as the language he uses to express his preferences, sounded oddly familiar:

You should message me if:
You’re free, fit, amazingly intelligent and willing to meet someone new, which I assume is true or you wouldn’t be on this site.
If you know that “easygoing” is one word, know that you don’t put spaces before commas, never write “lol,” don’t use the phrase “soul mate,” don’t list shopping and food among the six things you can’t do without, and don’t say you’re “___ years young,” you may be my type. If otherwise, look elsewhere. The same goes if you say you’re still “trying to figure it all out” at any age above 40. (By the way, if you’re over 40 and any part of your screen name has “girl” or “gurl” in it, I’m gonna wonder about the degree to which your development has been arrested.)
If your profile pic is of you holding your cell phone in front of a bathroom mirror and you have that weird, empty stare while looking at its screen, I’ll think less of you. Sounds fussy? You bet! I’m not a beggar, I’m a chooser, and I’m much too busy dating several women at the moment to waste my time on someone who doesn’t match me completely. It looks as if I’ll be deciding soon whether to make things exclusive with one particularly stunning, fascinating woman, so I’ve got to focus.

Seriously. That sounds like I could’ve written it! Of course, he mentions having received quite a bit of negative feedback. He’s been accused of being “arrogant” and “condescending.” I’m not surprised. People only want to hear about the sunshine and lollipops. This guy can sling the snark but he’s obviously smart and successful and doesn’t need to settle. Or be nice to every woman who emails him. (Though he was very nice to me!) I bet if the genders were reversed he wouldn’t have gone on half the dates I have in the never-ending attempt to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

So should I delete all my “don’ts”? Should I switch to the sunshine and lollipops? Or is brutal honesty the way to go? I think I’ll stick with the somewhat negative. And hope that there are enough guys out there who’ll “get” me.

Read the rest of this gentleman’s profile here, especially if you’re a female between 38 and 54 living somewhere near Philadelphia, PA!

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16 responses to “Less than Positive Profiles

  1. Be yourself, which is more sunshine & chrome than sunshine & lollipops. FTR the dude I ended up with spells “faux” ‘fo’, he’s very dyslexic & it’s funny not annoying. I say if be positive, but do it by making a list of positives, stuff about the perfect wildest dreams type partner and stick it on an appliance. Funny, grammar pedant, etc.

  2. I don’t see what is so “negative” about knowing what you want. When I was single I heard it all: “you’re too choosey”; “you’re a heart breaker”; “you need a robot.” (that one was from my beloved grandmother, bless her soul) …. The more you know what you don’t want and get away from what you don’t want, the more you get what you do want! And as soon as a red flag goes off, you end it with the person. I never understood why women stuck with someone for years and years and complained to all their girlfriends about the guy. I won’t even be friends with women like that! To me, that is more draining and negative than being focused on what you don’t want in a relationship and not settling.

    • “….I never understood why women stuck with someone for years and years and complained to all their girlfriends about the guy. I won’t even be friends with women like that!”

      and yet you’re doing just that with abby.

      there’s something to be said for “support,” something else for whining. how laudable that you enable the former; how sad the caterwaul of the latter.

      growth comes from listening to voices that differ from your own. you needn’t agree with them, but if they alter your future behavior and human interaction if only by “consideration”, then only positive things can result. otherwise you’re just preaching to the choir.

      any altos?

      • Wow. And this post wasn’t even about MY being “negative” but about someone else.
        I’m listening to your alto, Wendy, though you haven’t said much more than that I should listen. And if you think I don’t hear differing voices, you are sorely mistaken. I hear plenty in my real life. For whatever reason, most of my readers here tend to agree with me more often than not. Perhaps THEY hear enough dissenting voices elsewhere online and seek my words out so they can say HELL YEAH! But I could, of course, be totally wrong.

      • And where have I been complaining about being in a relationship with a horrible guy? Cause that’s what she was talking about.

  3. Thank you, ladies! I’m gonna work on that “post to an appliance” list!

  4. So he is already dating a “stunning facinating woman” (make me vomit) and is still looking to add to his collection of under 5’9″ and not more than 135 lbs (does he carry a scale with him?). So when does he stop looking? I mean supposedly he has the Cream Puff, instead of the “tart”.

    Abby the pool of men on OKCupid isn’t going to improve whether you are Lil Miss Sunshine or Darth Vadar.

    Awhile ago I met a man, had a fabulous couple of meeting, we really enjoyed each other. All sunshine, lollipops and a lil edgy.

    He sent me an email a few days laters saying he wouldn’t have time to hang out again soon as he “had just joined OKCupid and had a bunch of meets scheduled for the next week that would take up his time.” He went on to say “when he got it out of his system, he would call me”.

    So I told him “OKCupid it uP”! And that was that…..

    • Ugh. Really? Well hopefully he’ll get it out of his system. Like as soon as he finds out just what a cesspool online dating is anyway!
      Bah!
      Did you read “Meeting Brenda”? That guy met his wife in a Wendy’s. A WENDY’S! Sigh.

  5. the comment (reply) was directed at maryanne. this may be your blog, abby, but it’s not always about you.

    as for “horrible relationships”, indeed, you rarely speak to that. from the cheap seats it doesn’t appear you’re in a relationship long enough for they (them?) to become horrible, or even….. good.

    but you speak a repititious screed about poorly written okcupid profiles where men can’t write, misspell, or, in the case of this latest philadelphia story, you call attention to his full dance card and snark. so what! this is hardly “sunshine and lollipops.” you’re trying–for whatever reason–to call attention to him. of course your followers would cheer you on and admonish him.

    that maryanne and your acolytes delight in bashing men is a remarkable double standard. if a man blogged as you, he’d be called “sexist” or worse, a “misogynist.” you fail, continuously, to recognize your own misandry regardless of this being (as you are quick to remind everyone at any opportunity) that this is your blog. so much for your rose-colored glasses of 2013.

    on another matter, when you need materials for your millinery class (or new career) go to manny’s millinery, 28 west 38th street/ 212-840-2235. he has whatever you need. i’ve used his services and supplies myself.

    • Uh, I was quoting that guy because
      I think his profile is awesome! I wasn’t criticizing him at all.
      Sigh.
      So much is lost in the ether.
      Maryanne isn’t an acolyte, she’s a reader. I may be mistaken but you gave her shit for “being my friend” after shed stated that she isn’t friends with women who complain about bad relationships. Which I haven’t done.
      And as for my relationships, my most recent one lasted four years. Prior to that I was married for 16 years. So…yeah.

      • Exactly. You’re not complaining about bad relationships, you’re sharing humorous tales about things that didn’t work out. All the years we worked together at various publications and that I wrote for your Porn Free I NEVER heard you complain about anyone you were friends with or dated or were married to. You’re a very loyal person.

        I said I wouldn’t be friends with someone who complained about someone they were dating because I feel that’s in bad taste. I’ve had male friends who I tried to be friends with their girlfriends and the girls would bad mouth the guys — and it’s like, “Uh, hello, I was his friend first.” … then I’d feel awkward about being friends with the girl because I found out she was bad mouthing my friend who she was dating. It’s uncomfortable, no?

  6. typo. “repetitious.” a thousand pardons.

  7. OMG, I was taken so the wrong way by Wendy! I was DEFENDING Abby for stating what she wants and getting out of something that wasn’t working. YEESH, talk about a bitch-slapping that I so didn’t deserve, when all I was doing was AGREEING WITH ABBY. Ewww — just ewww!

  8. P.S. — I wouldn’t have pressed “LIKE” for the post if I wasn’t PRO ABBY! Wendy totally needs to apologize to me.

    • dear maryanne, since you seek an apology i’ll offer it. you’re clearly pro-abby as you should be. but consider your words (as abby should consider hers); you hate the whine and you announce that you won’t even be friends with those [women] who go on and on about their lousy boyfriends. abby goes on and on about the dreadful okcupid guys. (“snark” is hardly complimentary as she ripostes in the follow-up comments. and if her new best friend (keith) has met his “soulmate” (brenda) at a wendy’s, big deal!)

      there comes a point where it becomes a drone and no good can be derived. read the comments (about the philadelphia guy) by sandeeg, your own, as well as abby’s (and the cesspool of online dating.)

      the philadelphia kid may NEVER get it out of his system, but why would or should any of us care? ans: we don’t. let it go.

      • Wendy, I’m not the one who needs to “let it go.” I was just reading the responses to what I wrote and I was flabbergasted by your negativity to something I wrote as a positive response to what Abby was saying.

        Perhaps this will make my point more clear …

        ABBY’s whining is honest and out in the open; as mine was too when I was single. And like myself, Abby ends something when it’s not working and she is sharing it on this website. AND IT’s FUNNY AS HELL!

        Women who complain behind their boyfrends//husbands backs yet stay in an unsatisfying relationship is what I can’t (and won’t) deal with. Why? Because they are lying to their boyfriends/husbands. They complain, yet they are AFRAID OF BEING ALONE, so they stay trapped in an unsatisfying relationship. The result is not HUMOR, but a sad situation that women need to resolve.

        I’ve always been of the mindset that if people left the person they were unhappy with, there would be more available people, meaning more people for those unmatched to connect with.

        Doesn’t that make sense to you?

        PEACE, HAVE A GREAT DAY and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

        Cheers,
        Maryanne 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

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