Online Dating DOs and (mostly) Do NOTs: Profile Pictures

Okay, gentlemen! Listen up! Following my advice will assist this hideous process. Let’s start with those online dating profiles, specifically your photos.

First, DO post a fucking photo. I’m sorry, but there is NO excuse to not have one. I don’t wanna hear that you’re afraid a co-worker might spot you. Why? ‘Cause you’re married? Is it a sin to be single? Shameful? This isn’t FetLife or Nerve. It’s a fucking dating site. Get over it or get a new job. Or a divorce. Or whatever you need to UN-justify not posting a photo.

Do NOT wear sunglasses in your main photo. (I’m breaking this one myself, but I change it often enough…) It obscures half your fucking face not to mention your eyes, you know, “the window to your soul.”

Do NOT use ANY photos that you’ve taken yourself of your reflection in a mirror, especially a bathroom mirror. Don’t you have any fucking friends?

If you wear glasses, wear them in your photo. Don’t be ashamed of, you know, having to fucking SEE!

Do NOT wear a hat in your main photo, especially if you’re fucking bald.

Do NOT post ANY photos that are over a year or two old. Even if you think you were super hot in high school/college/five years ago. WE DON’T FUCKING CARE HOW CUTE YOU WERE IN THE PALEOLITHIC ERA!

Do NOT pose with your fucking motorcycle. If it’s that important in your life, probably best that we find that out later, no?

Do NOT chop someone, especially a woman, out of your photo. It smacks of “I dumped my last wife/girlfriend/lay. Not fucking classy.

Similarly, do NOT blur anyone. I saw one guy’s profile shot and he was with his (little) kids, who were blurred. Why THAT photo? Why not take another without kids? Is it proof that he was capable of reproducing? They could’ve been someone else’s kids. It’s just fucking creepy.

And somewhat similarly, do NOT post blurry photos of yourself! If you can no longer see clearly, fucking ask a friend, “Is this a clear shot of me?” I mean, really.

Do NOT post any photos where you are less than 20% of the shot. If I need a fucking magnifying glass to see your face, pick another photo. The purpose of these photos is so we can see WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE! If we can’t SEE YOU, well, figure it out, bucko.

DO post more than one photo. Obviously everyone picks their BEST SHOT. (Or what they think is their best.) Pick another. It will be different. Maybe five will add up to at least a ballpark vision of what you actually fucking look like.

Okay. That’s all I can write now. I’ve been feeling so incredibly, agonizingly frustrated these days — with online dating, with men, with OKCupid, with the fucking season. I would give it all up (again) but I’m not really a quitter. And I already KNOW everyone I know. Ya know? How else to meet new people? Specifically single men who might want to sleep with me. More than once. Fuck.

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2 responses to “Online Dating DOs and (mostly) Do NOTs: Profile Pictures

  1. You forgot, don’t post photos of your disembodied cock!

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