I’m the Problem!

Yesterday I received a new comment on my blog from “Paul.” It was in response to my post “Done with Dating.” Paul said:

I think you should give up dating! No one will ever be “good” enough for you! You are only out for yourself with all your self-promotion and making all us men sound bad! No man is ever good enough for you! No man is handsome enough for you! No man is cool enough for you..You seem to find something bad to say about every single one of your dates! You are the problem, not us men!

At first I thought Paul was responding to my most recent post. When I realized it was a comment on “Done with Dating,” all I could think was, did ya catch the title there, Paul? Duh. Either way, I often say I’m the one with the problem. But in this instance, I literally admit it: “I don’t know if that’s because I subconsciously crave disaster in order to create more content for you, my dear readers, or if there’s something seriously wrong with me. I’m pretty confident it’s both.” So, yeah, thanks for the brilliant insight, Paul.
After mulling it over, his comments started to really piss me off. I’ve said repeatedly that I’m the problem. That it isn’t the men, it’s me. Most of these guys are great. For me, it’s the context — the blind date-ish dynamic — that I find problematic. Perhaps if I met these men under different circumstances — in a bar, at a party, in the grocery store — my reaction to them might be more favorable. Who knows?
The whole purpose of this blog is introspection. My dating disasters may sound hilarious to the reader but actually experiencing them is no fucking picnic. I don’t know if it really is “them” or me. There are many things I’m unable to successfully address here, primarily my myriad fears. I don’t know if it’s diminished libido, loss of self-confidence, fear of intimacy or having my heart broken…again. I struggle with reconciling feeling happy and content, yet wanting more. Should I want more? Do I deserve more? Haven’t I had enough already?
To weigh in with such negativity and condemnation — especially on the heels of other more encouraging and compassionate comments — just seems mean-spirited. Granted, there have been plenty of other nasty comments. I approve them all;I don’t want anyone accusing me of picking and choosing only the positive responses. But I have to question how Paul could take the time to read my blog and still believe I’m “only out for myself with all my self-promotion.” Really? Promotion of…what? Is there advertising on here? How am I benefitting from any of this? And if I’m not out for myself, who is? Who should I be “out for?” All these OKCupid dudes? I mean, seriously.
I’ve taken down my OKCupid profile. If I meet someone in person and he asks me out, great. But I’m not gonna do the online dating thing anymore. It just isn’t how I’m wired. So, in conclusion, I say FUCK YOU, PAUL! And fuck off to all the other assholes who waste their time reading what I write and then waste even more time being mean.
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13 responses to “I’m the Problem!

  1. Dating is rough… I know I write as a catharsis, or to help me work out what is going on inside my head. Best of luck to you moving forward… It isn’t easy.

  2. You are indeed the problem. But a cute problem.

  3. You’re problem is that you’re really a Kangaroo. (A comment which should be taken as seriously as Paul’s).

  4. David Laubach

    I’m sure this is the wrong time for this Abby. But I’ll be in the city all day Thursday, May 31st. I’m the last guy in the world who wants to comment on the dating thing but if you want to finally grab a beer during happy hour and remember the good old Gomorrah Days I’d be happy to buy you one.
    Vegas Dave

  5. Hi Abby, Steph here. Have recently been reading your blogs regarding all the ups and downs of your dating life via the internet sites. It has been entertaining. Your latest blog entitled “I’m the Problem” is about as blunt as you can get in acknowledging your role in this process. Your statement “it isn’t how I’m wired” succinctly states it all. It’s a full acceptance of the fact that internet dating ain’t for you.

    Now in musing upon who might be a good companion for you, because that’s what you are seeking, a good companion, who fully gets you in all your various multiple guises, personalities, quirks, idiosyncracies, excentricities, moods, manners, etc. etc., well first off they would have to be a Burner. Since you are about as hard-core as they come for your commitment to Burning Man, that person would also have to be the same. Now you have had a Burner relationship but it was fairly quixotic. This person, being, if you will, would have to be way more stable. This person would also have to be really grounded. Like to the point that no matter what would happen in the relationship that person would simply smile and say “that’s my girl.” This being would be like some planetary body, so to speak, around which you could revolve and you would always know that whatever you do and wherever you go that person would be psychically linked to you and vice-versa.

    That being would inspire you like no other being, because, let’s face it you have done alot of things in your life and been alot of places and seen alot of stuff and you don’t suffer fools gladly or take any shit. In any case this being, or maybe entity, would be of such a magnitude that you could hang all manner of stuff upon this being and he would simply smile and say thank you. Now if your starting to get the feeling that this being is not human, well, to a certain extent that’s true. Well, this person could not be human in the usual human way. This person would have to be extraordinarily human. Like Human to the 10 power or something. An enlightened being that would completely understand you, discern your slightest mood and flip some psychic switch that would make it better or help relax you.

    Now, in the end, in order to ultimately stabilize the relationship you would need a home base. A special place to go to for being able to ground yourself. Like when you walk outside and you see the vista, you know your at home. This would not preclude any involvement with Burning Man. Your involvement with Burning Man must go on until you reach such point as to know that you are finally done with Burning Man. Of course no way to know when that will ever happen, but it will, at some future point, Burning Man will be a past chapter, just as your Editrix Abby character is a past chapter. Anyway I have strayed a bit here and need to return to the central part of the response which is your need for a companion. Someone for sex, someone for love, someone for caring, someone for simply being with you no matter how you feel. And the question being will you ever really find someone like that? Or maybe will they find you?

    I don’t know if you ever read Elizabeth Gilbert’s book “Eat Pray Love” but in the book she is on a quest to find herself and ultimately falls in love with this man who totally “gets” her and who loves her. It sounds fairy taleish but it’s a true story. I think of you as that person on this incredible quest in life to find out about everything in life and to know everything and to experience everything and then to write about and maybe even have it become a movie. I mean who else has thrown more porn parties? Who else has done more wild and crazy stuff in one lifetime, actually one half a lifetime than you? As far as I can see no one. You have, if I may say, quite a track record. You live life so far to the edge and never fall off because you have incredible balance.

    Okay, I think I have to wrap this up. I had not intended to write such an opus, however, once I started I could not stop. What I want to say is that you must stay on your quest. Your quest to find a companion, or a companion who finds you, who will share all that you are and do and care about and likewise. A companion who will love you simply because you are you. I mean love is what is really at the bottom or root of things. You want love, total unconditional love. Hell, we all want love. I want love. It’s a universal need.

    And with that I wrap this up. See you at Happy hour, the next Burner pary, Figment, but I won’t see you on the Playa this year cause I didn’t get no tikit, well, I needed two, one for my kid. I wanted to take him to Burning Man this year cause he just turned 18, but it will have to be next year.

    Anyway, yours in Burnerhood.
    Love, Steph

  6. Hello from an old friend! (Maryanne, from Outlaw Biker!)

    I think you are super wise for dating and being CHOOSY! I’m 48 and got married for the first time six months ago — I’m finally with the love of my life!

    I’ve been told by people not to date too. That I was a “heart-breaker”; “too choosey”; “a bitch”; “no one is good enough for you” — etc. Like you, I’ve heard it all!

    Don’t give up Abby! You were always smart and fun. I look forward to reading your blog and hearing about your dating experiences. I missed your writing — glad I found you again.

    As Cher once said, “Until I meet the right one, I’m having a lot of fun with the wrong ones.” Don’t let dating stress you out, have FUN!

    CHEERS! xo

    • Hi!
      So great to hear from you!
      And thank you for the words of encouragement. I know all these things in theory, it’s just tough to stomach them in reality at times. I was married to my soul mate and now that is over. I’m hoping the universe will see fit to send me another!

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