Still Scared Sexless?

Still riffing off the whole “alone, lonely, single, etc.” stuff…

I’ve been thinking a lot about how negative I am on dates. Why the hell am I going out with men only to turn my nose up at them the second I sit down? I know before I meet these guys that there isn’t any attraction. (At least in most instances.) Why am I harboring hope? Do I think there will be some magical spell cast as soon as we shake hands? That while their looks haven’t swayed my mind (or heart), their pheromones might influence my libido? Am I putting up walls? Preventing myself from liking them? Or even being attracted to them? Or are they just sad-sack old men who I couldn’t force myself to fuck, thereby condemning myself to eternal fuck-less-ness?

I haven’t felt inspired (which is a euphemism for turned on) by a man in ages. I test myself as I go about my day — riding the subway or walking down the street. Could I kiss that guy? Fuck that one? Hold hands, even? And I haven’t had much luck answering Yes. Have my loins simply become incapable of being stirred? In other words, is it more about me than the collective “they” that I’ve been dating?

And so I ask myself Am I afraid of having sex with someone new? Afraid that no one will find me desirable once I’ve taken off my clothes? Or is it even simpler? Am I afraid of loving someone again, since the last time was so disastrous? I want to believe I’m not scared. I want to believe it’s all possible. And just around the corner. Can I still be scared sexless? Shit. I sure as hell hope not.

(New readers may want to read one of my old posts, written back when I wasn’t quite so happy: Scared Sexless.)

7 responses to “Still Scared Sexless?

  1. I just want to blow a kiss overseas. You are a hot chick and you know it. As well as very special in many ways. It’s not easy to find that kind of special, that matches you. But we know he is out there. When you meet, it won’t be about, “could I imagine to do this and that with him”, but about imagining how to keep your hands off of each other, well at least for a long time. 🙂 Untill then… keep writing. I like reading you.

  2. Your a cunt!

  3. And you are old and ugly!

    • Wow, thanks “Joe,” for the constructive input. I may be old but you can’t convince me I’m ugly. I get WAY too much feedback to the contrary. As for my being a cunt, well, yes, I am. And PROUDLY!
      You, however, are some chicken shit guy hiding behind a fake name and a fake email address. Plus, you can’t spell. Oh, and you’re in Albuquerque, NM. Which means I’m pretty sure I know who you are.
      May I suggest that you make more productive use of your free time than following my blog? Since you clearly hate me. It will only continue to bring you more anger and aggravation. And there’s plenty of that in this world already. Namaste, motherfucker.

  4. Sometimes I think I’m the only one who is thinking all this…then I see you write it, and while misery loves company, yes, I at least am afforded a minute to look back and say, yea, I feel the same was, and it’s chuckle-able. Or not. At least I know that I’m not alone…and you’re not going to offer any dishwater advice. That’s all people ever give me…weak excuses for my hopeless case. And that other commenter…damn, it seems he could represent all the mindless gargoyles out there. Filling their lives with poor grammar, spelling, and stereotypical hatred. Well no WONDER we look at the male population with exasperation…look who they send to represent.
    I want to believe that I’m not scared too….but probably that fear is just self-preservation…why set myself up for a situation which will sap every last drop of energy while trying to make myself believe it’s all good? Can’t let ourselves be drained by lumpy dumpy guys all in the name of…, it’s not love…what the hell is it??

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