I’ve written so much about my horrific dates. The other night I subjected myself to yet another. And even though it would be easy to bitch about the guy—too old, too boring—I thought I’d switch things up and write about the date from his perspective and bitch about myself. Enjoy!
This woman, EditrixAbby, emailed me on OKCupid, informing me that the “marshmallow robot” had matched us up. Through a series of emails, she missed my repeated attempts at amusing banter and wordplay. However, I agreed to meet her for a beer. She said she’d been invited to an event at Madame X, which sounded to me like a sex club. I suggested we get together beforehand and chose Milano’s on Houston.
She showed up on time in an enormous black fake fur coat and red fuzzy scarf, a black satin blazer and shorts (?!) with black and red striped tights. Her shoes had kitty cat faces on them and she had a red rhinestone on her face like a beauty mark. She looked like she was a member of a circus troupe.
We chatted through three drinks and I found her opinionated and somewhat xenophobic, sneering about where I live (Sunnyside, Queens), saying she would rather move to another state than move out of Manhattan. She called Milano’s an “old man bar.” I wasn’t sure if it was an insult or not. On the topic of blind dating, she expressed a complete disbelief in the process and, when I asked what all the fuss was about “chemistry,” she explained that people know within the first few seconds if there is any interest. I asked if she’d already decided if there was any chemistry between us and she shook her head “no.” There were more than a few awkward moments.
I expressed my reluctance to accompany her to Madame X but Abby pointed out that I was already in the city; what did I have to lose? I agreed and we walked west on Houston. The party she’d been invited to was in a private room on the second floor of the bar. There were two girls dancing in lingerie and lots of people lounging around on couches. As soon as we entered she immediately began talking to her friends. Fortunately, I knew someone there as well, and spoke mostly with him. After about 10 minutes, though, I’d had enough. It was obvious she was more interested in her friends than in me, so I told her I was going to bow out. She seemed surprised but not too disappointed.
The following morning, I sent her an email thanking her for the invitation into her world and mentioned that my friend said she was a sort of luminary in it. She sent me a rather terse and dismissive response. No loss, that’s for sure!