A Date with Abby

I’ve written so much about my horrific dates. The other night I subjected myself to yet another. And even though it would be easy to bitch about the guy—too old, too boring—I thought I’d switch things up and write about the date from his perspective and bitch about myself. Enjoy!

This woman, EditrixAbby, emailed me on OKCupid, informing me that the “marshmallow robot” had matched us up. Through a series of emails, she missed my repeated attempts at amusing banter and wordplay. However, I agreed to meet her for a beer. She said she’d been invited to an event at Madame X, which sounded to me like a sex club. I suggested we get together beforehand and chose Milano’s on Houston.

She showed up on time in an enormous black fake fur coat and red fuzzy scarf, a black satin blazer and shorts (?!) with black and red striped tights. Her shoes had kitty cat faces on them and she had a red rhinestone on her face like a beauty mark. She looked like she was a member of a circus troupe.

We chatted through three drinks and I found her opinionated and somewhat xenophobic, sneering about where I live (Sunnyside, Queens), saying she would rather move to another state than move out of Manhattan. She called Milano’s an “old man bar.” I wasn’t sure if it was an insult or not. On the topic of blind dating, she expressed a complete disbelief in the process and, when I asked what all the fuss was about “chemistry,” she explained that people know within the first few seconds if there is any interest. I asked if she’d already decided if there was any chemistry between us and she shook her head “no.” There were more than a few awkward moments.

I expressed my reluctance to accompany her to Madame X but Abby pointed out that I was already in the city; what did I have to lose? I agreed and we walked west on Houston. The party she’d been invited to was in a private room on the second floor of the bar. There were two girls dancing in lingerie and lots of people lounging around on couches. As soon as we entered she immediately began talking to her friends. Fortunately, I knew someone there as well, and spoke mostly with him. After about 10 minutes, though, I’d had enough. It was obvious she was more interested in her friends than in me, so I told her I was going to bow out. She seemed surprised but not too disappointed.

The following morning, I sent her an email thanking her for the invitation into her world and mentioned that my friend said she was a sort of luminary in it. She sent me a rather terse and dismissive response. No loss, that’s for sure!


7 responses to “A Date with Abby

  1. Oh, Abby, you’ve made my Monday!
    I had nearly forgotten that you’re about the cleverest of writers I know…glad to have rediscovered your blog. Perhaps I myself need a visit to something akin to “Madame X”…or another mixer at your abode.
    My exploits on OKCupid have not made it past one webcam stint, so I almost feel deprived compared to your experiences. I wince in queasy fear at the mere thought of forcing a smile for a juiced-up, shirtless, muscle-baring, bathroom-mirror-pic guy…but I digress.

    • Thank you! And happy to be of service! Hah. A friend responded to this post on Facebook by asking “If you find dsibelief in blind dates, then why do you do it consistently and constantly?” I answered thusly: “Spoken like a person who isn’t single! I keep doing to meet new people, most especially people outside my already considerably large world, in the hope that it might lead to, well, all sorts of things! A job, new people for my singles’ events, someone who might enjoy meeting one of my friends, who knows? The bottom line is that it couldn’t hurt! Also, it gives me more to blog about! Are the sufficient reasons?” What can I say? Hope springs eternal, I suppose, even in the face of, yes, “juiced-up, shirtless, muscle-baring, bathroom-mirror-guy pics.” And a whole lotta way, WAY worse!

  2. Abby, this was precisely my experience with you.

    How can your enter into a respectful, meaningful relationship when you treat men in this way or have this viewpoint of men. We’re doing our best and you denigrate us for it. You seem to find no value in our efforts.

    All your posts ridicule all your dates in the most insensitive way.

    • I don’t blog about the dates that go well. Believe it or not, I don’t hate all men. I just call things as I see them. Men who post photos of themselves that are out of date are told, Dude, you really should post a more recent picture. Or at least accurately represent your hairline.
      Just because you’re trying doesn’t mean it’s working. I’ve certainly been on the receiving end of rejection. We all have. Communicating why could (should?) be useful information.

  3. Abbey, you were the only person who commented negatively on the picture indicating it was not representative of me. The photo was recent. Your pictures are mostly those of you in costume. How is one to recognize you?

    But that’s OK, It’s not that important. The date is about you and how we interact. If I feel the pictures are sort of representative because of the costumes but I don’t recognize you, THAT’S OK

    Sooooo why do you comment on my hairline? Why was my hairline so important to you?. Do you want a picture of my hairline?. Would that have pleased you? Would you have blogged about it in some mean way?

    Why were you the only women I met who was surprised by your comment about my picture, and don’t give me this crap about their not being honest only you. No one has ever had a problem recognizing me.

    Why don’t you blog about the dates that go well. Why the unbalanced view.of only the negative. You’re not FOX news

    Why are you being so negative and trying to be so hurtful now with the hairline comment as though you are completely and totally physically un-flawed.

    Are you being honest or just mean. Are these necessary observations in the context of all your experiences.

    Yes, just because we’re trying doesn’t mean it’s working. Do you try as hard. You’re own self assessment say’s no..

    I must complement you on your honest reflection. It was accurate in my experience and you seem to feel it was accurate in the experiences of others.


    • The hairline comment wasn’t about you.
      Your hair was VERT different. Not enough so to not recognize you; I didnt say you were unrecognizable. Only that it was quite different.
      I don’t write about the good dates because I don’t want to interfere with the process. (See “Timing.”) I’m planning on writing about falling in love, if I get around to it, and how crucial timing was for me.
      In the end, it’s all about two people. It’s SO complex. And looks have very little to do with it in the classic “looks” sense. Would you have fallen in love with me if I’d been nicer? Does it matter? We aren’t a good match. Simple as that. No need to be insincere. I tried to introduce you to other people so your night wasn’t a total loss.
      Online dating is a crap shoot, as I keep saying. I do it to meet new people, not fall in love. Perhaps if you’d taken our date in that spirit you might’ve gotten more out of it. If the guy who accompanied me to Madame X had stuck around maybe he would’ve met someone else. He even had a friend there!
      Or it could be that every man is on a date with getting laid as the ultimate goal. (Something I’ve been told, repeatedly, not that I necessarily know, not being a man myself!) In which case I try to save the guy time and money, if there’s no chance of that.
      Anyway, hundreds of books have been written on the subject by people far more knowledgeable than I so I’ll say that I can only write from my experiences–and from my heart. Which I do have, by the way.

  4. Abby, I did meet many people that night and had long fun conversations all night long so the night was hardly a waste. It was interesting for me because I seldom hang out in bars. It was all quite worthwhile, almost novel.

    I surmised you really seemed put off by me when I had to walk behind you and felt like I was stalking you. We simply lived in the same neighborhood. You did comment I did well that night and expressed you would invite me to your mixers.

    Yes. nice people are a hoot Abby. It’s a reinforcing, life affirming, positive experience to be with someone who has a need to see positive things in the world around them cause their are actually positive things around us. It may even assist in finding love.

    But it was not a match and that was fine and all guys are not trying to get laid. Besides, It’s only fun if both parties are really into it. If you have to sell it it sucks and is a rotten experience for all.

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