Yesterday, in the depths of my meltdown, “The Mayor” instructed me to show up at the bar even if I wasn’t working, since the emails had gone out and people would be expecting me. So I made myself presentable, in the previous day’s mostly un-seen cute ensemble, and walked the two blocks. When he overheard me apologizing for my screw-up, the bartender said I was welcome to join him behind the bar. So from 6 til 8 I worked. And it was awesome! Also while I was whining about my scrambled sense of time, the assistant manager asked, “Can you work tomorrow night?” So I picked up another shift! I’m so glad I was “forced” to get out of the house.
Walking home, I blurted to my friend Kaspur that I’d rather be tending bar than doing just about anything else. “Really?” he asked me. “I didn’t know you were so passionate about it.” And I realized that I rarely admit to my passions, probably out of fear that I won’t be able to fulfill them. Hmm. Sad face.
Every summer I get to bartend at The Black Rock Saloon, the bar in Gerlach that is, essentially, a private club for the DPW. As at Burning Man, no money changes hands, but serving up free beverages to my co-workers is gratifying enough. And behind “our” bar, I experience that elusive sense of “flow.”
I asked Kaspur, “Have you ever had that feeling of being in exactly the right place, doing exactly the right thing?” and described how when I’m working the bar in Gerlach, I feel as though every move I make has been choreographed, that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, doing just what I’m meant to be doing. I guess you could call it a feeling of “mastery,” though I’m nowhere near a “master bartender.” It is a sense of existential peacefulness that is often referenced when people experience déja vu. Behind the bar last night — even though I was just learning where everything was, the booze prices and the buttons to push — felt…right. I can’t tell you how excited I am about doing it again tonight!
Day 8, January 18
1. 20 minutes of meditating. I cheated again, doing it in bed even before I got up. What can I say? My bed is comfy and my doggy is snuggly!
2. 90 minutes of working out.
3. Blogging/writing. I wrote yesterday’s somewhat painful “Scary Senior Moment” post in the middle of a total meltdown.
4. I can’t remember what I watched on TV… I think I allowed it to drone in the background. Bah!
5. I brought up a box but was too lazy to unpack it. It’s one of two (the other is under my bed) that is full of shit I just tossed in, two years ago, random crap I couldn’t throw away yet wasn’t ready to part with. Perhaps I’ll open it today and be more prepared…
6. Socializing: 5 hours at the bar!