On my myriad dating sites, I’ve been encountering men who are my age but…old. Yeah, yeah, I suppose I’m old too. But as the many young men who flirt with me say, “Age is just a number.” In other words, I may be 52 but I’m not exactly ancient. I’m fit and sexy (or so I’ve been told) and I don’t dress in caftans or mom jeans or other stereotypical “old lady” clothing. I’m culturally aware and live in a cosmopolitan city — THE city, thankyouverymuch! I don’t need a walker or daily meds or orthopedic shoes or any other senior citizen-associated clap-trap. I work out, I go to clubs and parties, participate in events and, well, generally don’t conduct myself like an older person.
Therefore, I expect the men I date to be equally old-but-not-old. Ya know? It’s a difficult thing to quantify. And certainly not something that can be spelled out in an online dating profile. Not that the men who contact me even read my profile. I find that by saying what I don’t want, I come off sounding negative. So I decided to provide examples, here, of not-so-old men, men who are somewhere around my age but don’t look or dress or act like it. Perhaps this will provide some guidance to guys who are at or nearing the 50-year mark. I can’t say exactly what it is about these men that could be effectively used as “advice” but whatever they’re doing, it’s keeping them young.
I spotted my friend Adrian at an erotic event years ago, intrigued by his outfit: a button down shirt, linen skirt and corset. What can I say? The man has style. He lives an interesting life and is never boring. As you can see, grey hair isn’t a problem. His baldness is merely another attractive accoutrement. I would add that love always makes an attractive accessory.
Spyral will be 50 in July, which means he’s a few years younger than me. But I’m including him because he doesn’t look anywhere near 50. And he embodies the vibe I’m talking about: a youthfulness that belies age.
I don’t know Fred as well as I know the other men. He’s a new friend — and a really happy guy — I met on OKCupid. I was drawn to his profile pic because it’s so smiley! In person he radiates as much optimism as he does in his photo. And he’s three years older than me! Hmm, perhaps it’s happiness that keeps these men looking so young. It’s certainly working for Fred!
What’s depressing about this topic is that these men — and most men like them — usually wind up dating much younger women. I suppose it makes sense; if you can bag a young babe, why not? Which then leaves those of us over 50 with all the sad sack Santas and other scary old guys. My friend Sandra was recently seeing a guy who she thought was awesome…until they were in bed, where it became a case of him “rubbing the magic lantern” and his cock “flopping in her palm like a guppy.” First of all, wouldn’t you think that a 60-year-old man would know something about pleasuring a woman? At least a little more than merely “rubbing her down there?” And, of course, there’s the obvious topic of older men, their (perhaps occasional) inability to get it up and the resulting reliance on Viagra. As funny as it is to visualize this guy’s flaccid “flopping guppy,” there’s also the grim reality. Sigh. It sure isn’t pretty when having sex becomes…work. Which, for Sandra, it wasn’t. And she said so. I’m sure Señor Flopping Guppy didn’t need to be told his cock was basically useless.
I can empathize with the guy…I guess. All our lives, we women have had to work at what goes on between our legs: you get your period, you deal with it — tampons or pads, stained panties and jeans, missed gym classes or sitting out swimming. Wet enough or need lube? To shave or not to shave? Trim? How much? And don’t even get me started on the whole douching/feminine odor bullshit. Even we low maintenance types are required to pay attention to our bodies. But men? Their dicks have been perpetually at the ready. Until the one day it…isn’t. So when they initially encounter a malfunction, I’m sure it can be pretty damn devastating. Ack. I don’t even want to think about it! Is a flopping guppy better than no guppy at all? At least a guy with a limp guppy can kiss. Can’t he? Oy vey.
I recently heard a story about an 80-year-old woman falling in love and getting married. Maybe I just need to wait until I’m old enough to be cool with dating old dudes… But I ain’t there yet! However, I am patiently awaiting Mr. Not-So-Old.
1. 0 minutes of meditating. Got up late and was out the door too quickly.