Obsession?

Here’s a change: I’m writing this as the object of obsession, as opposed to me being obsessed. I wish this story had a fairy tale ending (or even beginning), because it could’ve been very romantic, had the obsessed individual been, well, a totally different individual! If he were tall, dark and handsome, or somehow just slightly more prince-like. Perhaps less frog-like? Maybe it’s me that needs to be different…I dunno… I don’t have a “shopping list” of must-have attributes but this sort of behavior being rewarded only happens in fiction. Now I have an inkling how movie stars feel when their fans act, uhh…fan-like.

One day, December 12, to be exact, I read on Facebook about “emails you might not be receiving” or some-such. I checked out what appeared to be their version of a spam folder and — lo and behold — I had, like, hundreds of unread emails I never knew I’d received. They included the following (increasingly desperate) communiqués from a man named Steve. (Feel free to scroll through them quickly and get right to my cutting barbs!)

Facebook Correspondence:

October 24
4 days of Halloween and no mention of Rubulad …. got a clue ?? Suggestions for other events ??? ( so demanding … I like your work )

Also October 24
embarassed …. rubalad event is always special … but your ev party …. hope there are still tix …

October 29
o shit !! stupid touchpad mouse … just composed an irresistable invitation and it went poof !! …. essentially …. u don’t need to mess with fast cupid … maybe season is passed … but since end of summer lots of friendly souls here in gotham … and what about you and @steveXXXX … your loss … so pissed no Rubilad … last year on Union St. sickest !! what’s on your agenda for tonite ???

November 10
??? how many times …. before you respond ???? your online dating incident diary …. so sad … My sched is so slammed and my residual queue of sometimes available WomenToDate is keeping me from giving Nerve or FastCupid or whatever it is now a creditcard payment ….. but howcomeyouDon’tRespond to my apparent interest …. I’m thinking about applying to a grad program in Antropology to do a thesis on sexual politics and interaction patterns between urban adults in the 21st century …. where would you like to meet for a drink … or go for a walk … do you bike ???

November 24
??? $50 on Craigs List [In referent, I’ll assume, to the semi-joke ad I posted offering Online Dating Coaching.] …. You haven’t said stop bugging me … saddens me to know that you’re enjoying being solo so much … what about a place for me on your dance card ? just say no ! …. or let me know about coming with me to a party Sat Nite in east village
edit this … “saddens me to know that you’re enjoying being solo so much …” cool to be solo .. but I’m not a bad lay …. come to party with me on Sat.

Again, November 24
ok .. what will we tell our friends when they ask how we met ??? Abby … I am going to stop … but just let me know that you’ve seen my messages and just don’t see the fit …

November 26
party starts early tonite … I’ll be there around 9 …. today .. biking in Central Park bet 2 & 4 … surprise me one way or antother … hit my cell 917 XXX XXXX voice / txt

December 2
gong cruising now …. txt me if you decide to make an appearance … the Frank Ghery bldg …. Barry Diller’s IAC Headquarters …. on West Side Hiway near Chelsea ( same block as the kitchen) starts now
http://itp.nyu.edu/bigscreens

December 4
just saw post about your performance in the slope …. oy ! hope I keep busy enough so I dont start stalking you ….. I hooked up with someione I met at a party last week in EV …. think I might have even tried to entice you to contact me with an invite …. she was all over me at the party but said … you can’t fuck me … over and over again … but we went home together and agin it was no, no, no … while we were both tasting each other all over …. She was even wearing a tampon … but I wonder if that was to just re enforce her firewall [GAAAAAH! Talk about TMI!] …. anyway AE … passions prevailed and we both enjoyed a very blissed out Sunday … I’m too much of a gentleman … need to be met … maybe not half way but at least a 3rd of the way ….. ( but really like it the best when I get a surpries attack ) …. anyway again … dont understand your no’s …. tho the custoary just ignore protocol … hard to get used to after being in a semi ltr for several months …. just wondering if your nos might become yesses sooner or later

December 11
hey … tonite … Sunday 12/11 ,,, come here ….. La Vie
64 E. First Street did you delte my earlier message with my cell ? Ill lbe there around 10:30 … a birthday party for photographer friend … so if you happen to be interested either text me or I’ll look back here … birthday boy is Colin …

December 12
[This was the day I discovered the aforementioned Facebook spam folder. My response, on Facebook.]
Wow. I just now found ALL these emails after reading about “messages Facebook is hiding from you.” Wow. Next time try emailing me at my real email address: editrixabby@gmail.com. Cause Facebook sucks.
Abby
Mea culpa because, yes, emails immediately began arriving in my Gmail box:

Also on December 12
Subj.: (not) stalking you
ooh … a little encouragement from you re: my litany of fanmail and flirts to you on FB.
any room on your dance card for this guy ?

Who are you and how did you find me? Your emails on FB were all in my spam folder. I know nothing about you except that you come off, yes, like a stalker.
Abby

… I ran across you while I was googling to find out about a Rubilad Haloween party in October
Checked out your blog and became empathic/got the impression we could enjoy each other’s company  after reading about your adventures with online dating and your other adventures / perspectives on things.
So since you seemed open to encounters with “blind dates” I decided to contact you directly..
Now … how can I intererest you enough to start out on your B-List ?? …. you can friend me/check me out on FB and hopefully lose concerns about me being too flaky … I’m also on LinkedIn FWIW …. But my notes to you on FB were geared to revealing interesting things about myself … a  50-something tecchie … long time Soho resident …. divorced since early 90’s ( my ex was/is a writer / editor )  — No kids.
Sending you an invite for the dating.nerve.com beta.  My profile on the old Nerve site (now fast cupid) is stevenXXXX
Let’s kill a bottle of wine together and have a few laughs / insightful discussions.  Or if you’re going to be at a holiday party that I can attend … let me know and we can have an initial meeting that way. 
I like the bottle of wine / nightcap idea … but as a first step will send you an invite to something I will be going to next Sunday / Monday … also have the Basquiat show in Harlem on my to do list ….
Need more ?? … let me know … or just say NO …. You never did .. so I persisted.  A woman like you seems to be just my type and might be a precious find.
Take care,
Steve

And again on December 12
Subj.: ?? safe venue for rendevouz …. was — Reminder! ITP, NYU Winter Show 2011! Dec 18 & 19.
If you are interested in getting together and we can’t figure anything out before next Sunday ..

Best !
moi
[This was accompanied by an e-flier for an photography exhibit.]

December 15
Subj.: potentially spellbound … [WAS …. (not) stalking u …]
HEY …

Broken date tonite … will be in chelsea … surprise me with a check-in — . did they want $$ for the nerve dating offer I sent u ??  Big deal to respond to my FB friend request ???
In case you havent seen this … kinda cute .. a bit long …. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UsE5mysfZsY
Need to go check your blog to see what youve been up to …. not a good stalker … may set up rss reader  ( u know I am a tech nerd too, right ??? ) to keep current with you until you throw cold water on this  ….

happy holidays !
Steve

Again on December 15
Subj.: ” …. and they will go away …. “

“just ignore them ?”
follow your tweets … me — @steveXXXX
ok so you joined Nerve ( need to see if I got credit for you joining )
and you are playing there but have not reached out to virtualmoi …..
no urge to explore more with me ?
‘cmon …

December 17
Subj.: crossing paths ….
not the least bit curious ???   more concerned that my interest is perverse ?????
c’mon …
Lots going on next week …. u be around nyu and solo tomorrow afternoon ???
http://itp.nyu.edu/show
May do it Monday nite, too ….
Steve

ps … of course open to your suggestions …..

December 19
Steve,
Firstly, I never said NO because I never got those emails. As I
stated, they all wound up in Facebook’s version of a spam folder.
After that, my first contact to you was to find out who you are and
how you found me. Thank you for your response. It does seem a bit
creepy. But I suppose I could go the “I’m flattered” route. Which I
usually do.
Then you ask me to surprise you with a check-in? We are still
strangers. As for responding to FB friend requests, I don’t “friend”
people I haven’t met.
You send me suggestions of places to meet you with pretty much NO
regard to my schedule. If you are actually interested in me, perhaps
asking me out on a date might’ve worked. If I were vaguely interested
in you. But why — or HOW — would I be?
Sorry to be rude but wow, you have been conducting yourself as though
we are already friends. I can appreciate that you may be experiencing
some sort of familiarity if you’ve been reading my blog but it isn’t a
substitute for reality.
Abby

hey … all this might go away if we did get to face time …  one way or other and I think positive ….
re: spontaneous invites … we’re all busy this time of year …. and you seem like independent spirit …. and able to welcome a bit of friendly chaos ….
FB invite was to give you a peek into a bit more of myself ….
So since you seemed open to encounters with “blind dates” I decided to
contact you directly.
Now … how can I intererest you enough to start out on your B-List ?? ….

you can friend me/check me out on FB and hopefully lose concerns about me
being too flaky … I’m also on LinkedIn FWIW …. But my notes to you on FB were geared to revealing interesting things about myself … a  50-something tecchie … long time Soho resident …. divorced since early 90’s ( my ex was/is a writer / editor )  — No kids.

but I guess I got that NO I asked for …. u can always re-consider . I’m the 59 yo looking at the Pollock on Nerve ….. XXXXXX
Will cease and desist .. but betting our orbits will collide and we will have a good laugh about this bad start !
Best !
Steve

Also on December 19
Subj.: …. A.D.Disorder
sorry again …
Abby .. I did suggest meeting for drinks/proposed making a date
>Let’s kill a bottle of wine together and have a few laughs / insightful >discussions.  Or if you’re going to be at a holiday party that I can attend … >let me know and we can have an initial meeting that way.
[Okay, I’ll give him that, he had sort of suggested a meeting, but since when is “killing a bottle of wine” or inviting yourself to tag along to someone else’s holiday party asking someone out on a date? Am I living in another century or something?]
this week’s pretty crazy so I doubt if we can make that happen  …. but I’m hoping you’re insightful enough to have enough clarity to see that there might be a mis-understanding ….
now bye bye … yout move
/s

ps … nice that you replied

Okay, here’s my move.
What was RUDE was that you kept sending me emails to meet you
spontaneously when we had had NO communication. I knew NOTHING about
you. Your Facebook page? Please. That isn’t even as “thorough” as a
profile on OKCupid. Usually, when people meet online there is some
sort of reciprocation. I never had an opportunity to reciprocate.
Other than respond to your volley of emails.
Anyway, I really don’t want to argue with you, a STRANGER.
I doubt our orbits will coincide, since I have over 1000 friends, none
of whom know you, so I’m not quite sure HOW we would coincide. I am
not attracted to you. I am not interested in you. Is that clear
enough?
I apologize for being so blunt but you really didn’t leave me with much choice.

regrettable … saw alot in you … prefer to cut to chase than be pen pals … but without mutual interest … cest tut ..
adios …

moi
And again on December 19

sorry … I know I told you that earier message would be fini after you let me know I moved you to “Rude”-ness …. but just re-read following and don’t understand why you  took offense
…. Thurs nite .. maybe you would be in Chelsea doing galleries .. could have “surprised me with a check-in” email … saying yeah … meet me at this gallery ….
really good luck with your journalism and love life, Abby ….
Steve

December 22
Subj.: reggae
Rude Boys …… ok to be rude …. still relating to cartoon of you ( shadow boxing ) ….. surprised at your cautiousness ….. especially after reading some of your journal articles about cyber dates ….. I’ve been getting ready for the big spring cultural event …. the Wagner Ring Cycle …..  Imagine you as a Valkyrie ….. showing me your vulnerability … a bit …. sorry to victimize you so …. you actually sent my name out to 1000 people ????? [NO idea what this means.]
Cheers !

January 7
Subj.: dylan trumps adele …
Abby –

still difficult for me to shift into a more serious mode to gain your respect …. writing you now after running into your profile on Nerve …. are you in Marin now ????  Did you dig deep enough into my profile to notice that I spent time in bay area studying at Berkeley.
Go check out the shawn thackery winery in Bolinas http://www.wine-maker.net/  pick up a bottle for us to enjoy when u get back !!   ( guess u have to pay for a checked bag to bring it back on plane )  … just visit the winery ….. I can find a bottle of Pleides here in NY
Anyway .. was trying to think of a clever way to ask you to put the messy past behind us and re-consider ( will be pinging you on Nerve ) … and a line from a Dylan song wafted through my brain …. the line about ” …. acts like we never have met” ….. ( want you to forget your objections)
Well . I researched the lyrics and found the whole song ….  what a moving piece ….
Anyway, Ms. E …. really hard to belive that you find my spontaneous / free-associating attempts to get your attention to be offensive and inappropriate …. but I do realize “a girl’s gotta be careful” …..
Sharing these lyrics with you …. and continue to wonder why you don’t see possiblitites that we might explore.http://www.metrolyrics.com/i-dont-believe-you-she-acts-like-we-never-have-met-lyrics-bob-dylan.html

First off, I hate wine and don’t drink it.
I am not offended and I don’t find your (multiple) attempts at reaching out to me (in a WIDE variety of places…Etsy? Really?) to be “inappropriate.” What is and isn’t appropriate, when it comes to online contact? What I have been trying to tell you is that I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOU. I do NOT find you attractive. In the least.
If you had made contact with me AS FRIENDS and not as a “romantic interest” there may have been a chance I would’ve met you for a beer or something. Given that is NOT the case, you’re out of luck. Sorry.
Have a wonderful 2012!

got it ! … not interested in uphill struggle …. the funky Thackery winery in Bolinas is quite a scene tho …
no clue about the Etsy thing …. wondering if you might be confusing me with somone else ….
anyway … best to you … your talents will be rewarded ….

And then, if all THAT wasn’t enough, he emailed me on Nerve.

wow … yes u are right …
from Esty …
“already tried you on Twitter and Facebook …. Google+ ??
too many synergies … keep playing with fast cupid or whatever, but just
push button and ring *my* bell …..
no mas … I’m persistent and resourceful, but not psycho stalker … just
need to follow the attraction …
not cool, probably … but whoIam
xoxo
moi”
that was from after Halloween when I was trying to find out if there was going to be Rubilad party .. hard to understand .. but … digging deep into my journalism background

Okay, my dear readers, if you’ve made it to the end of all this back-and-forth-ing, I gotta ask: Is THIS how it’s done these days? Is finding someone you like the looks of online the same as actually MEETING them? If it’s outside the online dating realm? Should I have been flattered and agreed to meet this guy? Or was I appropriately creeped out? I believe myself to be a fairly forgiving sort and, if he hadn’t come across as SOOOO desperate, I might’ve actually met him. ‘Cause that’s how I roll. But, man! I was especially irked that he thought I was being “cautious.” I’m anything but! Am I closing off my options? We don’t have ONE friend in common. And given that this is one big city, it’s also one very small world. What would YOU do? I suppose I’ll be hearing what HE would do seconds after I hit “Publish.” Sigh…

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3 responses to “Obsession?

  1. Uh, no, this is DEFINITELY not how it works, and being creeped out is completely reasonable. His persistence, even after your multiple nos, suggests that he has no respect for your boundaries, nor your desires, and that his interest is his only priority. If he’s like this when you haven’t even interacted, what is he like as a lover/friend? Egads!! This whole exchange reminds me of a blog written one of my other favorite bloggers, Captain Awkward: http://captainawkward.com/2011/03/23/the-art-of-no/

    It’s not “closing off [your] options” to know what you want.

    And in closing: EW!!!!

  2. Pingback: Socially Awkward Loses His Shit | Welcome to My Words!

  3. Pingback: Socially Awkward Loses His Shit | WTF, Cupid?

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