Daily Archives: December 26, 2011

Cocky vs. Cunty

Greetings, dear readers!
I do hope you have all survived the holidays relatively unscathed. Yes, I realize we still need to weather my least favorite night of the year — New Year’s Eve — before we can call the season officially over. (And I’ll need to be back on the east coast, as well.) I’ve been so distracted getting through the month of December entertaining and being entertained, hangin’ with my sister and her kids on both coasts, not to mention with my sanity intact and never wearing pants, I’ve somewhat neglected my tales of online dating disasters. I just couldn’t find the time to schedule blind dates, what with all the holly jolly.

But of course, the internet never sleeps (or spends time with family), so while I was busy celebrating, my dating site profiles have been maintaining my sorry-ass search for Mr. Right. Or Mr. Tolerable. It remains a horror show. As I mentioned a few days ago, I signed up for Nerve’s dating site. I haven’t been able to initiate contact with anyone on there because I haven’t paid yet and am not in much of a hurry to; not only are the pickin’s a bit slim, the site is nowhere near fully functional. OKCupid is still free and they’re leaps, bounds and winks ahead of Nerve.

Along with the aforementioned flaws, there are men on the site who still think it’s the ’90s, when Nerve was oh-so-outré and their personals were used primarily for hooking up. The site is now clearly labeled for dating site so I was somewhat surprised to find (or be found by) this particular philanderer. I suppose I shouldn’t have been, given his screen name — EroticFun — a tip-off I somehow overlooked. Below is our backing and forthing, with my (hopefully hilarious) editorializing to lift your spirits. Cheers!

[Hey, thanks for getting the spelling wrong, douchebag. Didn’t you notice it correctly spelled in the EMAIL ADDRESS you used?]
I trust you’ll treat my photo with discretion. [Perhaps if you’d been a nice guy. Given your assholery, I gotta go with HELLS TO THE NO! But I will give you the obligatory black box over your eyes. ‘Cause I’m not always a total cunt.] I’m no pretty boy, but I’ve been called handsome by woman [sic].
Please let me know what you think, one way or the other.

160 lbs
48 year old white male
lean, muscular body (better than most 20 year olds)
shiny salt & pepper hair
been called handsome (no pretty boy here)
well read
well educated
sense of humor
strong, strong sex drive
dominant (light bondage, nipple play, spanking, hair pulling, cock worship, D/s role play)
love to please
discreet — you be too
dd free — you be too

Thanks for your extensive CV.
Not interested.

Sorry to hear that.  Good luck in your search…
[Aah, there’s that “finality” phrase. But could I leave well enough alone? Apparently not.]

Not sure if you realized it but you neglected to make your married
status clear…
And I am anything BUT submissive…
[To be honest, my reason for writing this was that I felt like I’d been too rude and/or dismissive. I thought it would be polite to let him know why I wasn’t interested. Or at least one of the reasons. Er, two. He took it the wrong way. Of course!]

I like that you got back to me.  It means that you’re intrigued. [Could this guy be any cockier? Cock photo notwithstanding…]
I don’t think it matters that I’m married.  And I have no problem that you’re not a sub. I would love to bed a tigress… [A “tigress?” Are we in a James Bond movie?]
Do you think you can handle me? [Oh, sweet Christ. The cockiness continues! I’ve handled way more, my grey-haired stranger. WAY more! I do appreciate that the prick he provided wasn’t erect. It shows a certain amount of…restraint.]

Um, sorry, not THAT intrigued.
And really, are you 48? Or is that a bit of an exaggeration?
[Being nice? Out the fucking window. This guy is so full of himself I decided to unleash complete cunt-dom!]

Not that intrigued, then what does it matter?  The photo was taken 4 weeks ago. [Sorry, but I don’t believe that for a minute.]

[And again, unable to leave well enough alone, I write back.]
Oh, and by the way, it actually DOES matter that you’re married.
[Because, yes, it actually does matter! As it would, I assume, to 99% of women.]

I’m assuming that you have better things to do with your life then chase down trivial matters from an irrelevant website like Nerve. [Trivial matters? Like the fact that you’re married? And cruising a dating site? I think not. And if the web site is irrelevant, what the hell are you doing on it?]
So let’s cut to the chase.  Do you want to fuck — yes or no?  [Do I want to fuck? Is the site LetsFuck.com? No! It’s a goddamnmotherfucking DATING SITE! Though wait, yes, I DO want to fuck. Just NOT YOU!] If no, then let’s both part ways as adults.

[And thus far I’ve left well enough alone. I should’ve added the suggestion that he join Ashley Madison, where at least the assumption is that everyone’s married. But I hit “send” on my “No” so quickly I didn’t have time to think! I best not bother, lest he believe I am — yes indeedy! — interested. And I can’t tell you how NOT interested I am! Gaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!]

No Pants December: Day 26

The height of laziness and the height of hermit-dom. I only ventured out of my parents’ house here in Marin to walk to the bank and buy some dog food. The bank was closed; I managed to buy a pair of shoes for $7 at the Salvation Army thrift store and an awesome long suede skirt at a local consignment shop. Oh, and I also bought that dog food. We went out Cheesecake Factory — the height of suburban dining! — for dinner. I slipped into Nordstrom while we waited for our table and picked up two new pairs of tights, one of which bejeweled with sparkling rhinestones. Can’t wait to put them on! And what did I wear for all this dull stuff? That striped sweater dress I traveled in. I know. I could not be more dull.

Visit my friend Amber’s NO PANTS 2011 blog.