Monthly Archives: December 2011

No Pants December: Day 31 and Observations

For the last day of 2011 and my final day of No Pants December, I went for casual instead of fancy. I was headed to a meditation celebration at a hippy-dippy place in Marin and figured I’d be sitting on the floor. They actually had chairs, so I could’ve worn something slightly less loungey but I was happy to be comfortable. I wore my knit patterned tights and black ballet flats with my black go-to skirt. My only nod to the holiday was a sparkly turtleneck I picked up at a thrift shop a year or two ago. I had a blazer that looked almost exactly like this in the ’70s! This was probably the most conservative and low-key ensemble I’ve ever sported on a New Year’s Eve. Tomorrow, it’s pants!

My observations after a month of wearing skirts, dresses and — just a few times — fancy short shorts:
• It’s easier to put on a few pounds wearing looser garments.
• I often felt frumpier in my skirts than I do when I wear pants.
• People seem to think you’re more dressed up in a skirt, even if it’s as easy as putting on sweatpants or pajamas!
• I was just as lazy wearing skirts and dresses as I am when I wear jeans or pants. I pick up what’s lying on the floor (or more accurately, nicely folded or hung up) and go. I tend to go with easy either way.
• My style is decidedly “Grranimals”: black top or bottom paired with a colored top or bottom. If I’m feeling adventurous, perhaps a pattern! I’m just not all that creative when it comes to everyday dressing.
• I tend to only really pay attention to what I’m wearing if I’m going to a party. If it isn’t festive — or a costume — I’m a big ol’ fashion yawn!
• I was doing this No Pants December experiment in support of my friend Amber and her NO PANTS 2011 project. She has WAY more skirts than I do! And they’re all really interesting skirts. I discovered that most of my non-pants wardrobe is…costumery. And I don’t mean costumery in the “fun” or “frivolous” or even “creative” sense of the word. I mean full-on costumes: tutus or otherwise tulle, too short or too tight, blindingly silver or too-shiny latex, too-sexy see-through, and all manner of totally inappropriate for even the most impractical everyday wear.
• Wearing only skirts or dresses reminded me of elementary school, when we weren’t allowed to wear pants. (Yes I know, it was the dark ages!)
• Doing this would’ve been way easier in the summer!

I may add more to this as additional thoughts arise. For now I leave you with my friend Amber’s NO PANTS blog, where she decided to start the new year in a skirt. Keep up with her to see if she keeps her promise to go through 2012 wearing only pants she’s made herself. My bet is both that she’ll succeed at sporting her own creations and set a few new style trends!

No Pants December: Day 30

The dog ate those little silica gel beads; I spent the day either in the vet’s office or resting with her on the couch, post-induced-puking. Sigh. I did, however, go out to dinner with my mom and one of her friends to a very nice restaurant: The Panama Hotel. I wore a re-run of the other night’s ensemble: black eyelet skirt, flowered shirt and Fluevogs. This time I topped it off with the red sweater jacket and my Mongolian lamb scarf. Needless to say, I was one of the best dressed people there. In Marin, apparently Tevas are elegant footwear and shorts (shorts?!) are acceptable after dark. In the winter. On a man most definitely over 50. Fuckin’ hippies.

Visit my friend Amber’s NO PANTS 2011 blog.

No Pants December: Day 29

Oh boy! A chance to dress up for a party! (And wear something other than my “go-to” skirt or dirty laundry!) Yes, a friend was hosting a holiday fete and I had a festive ensemble at the ready: my silver Gap skirt, sparkly tights and a shirt my mom got for Christmas that she’d never wear. Yeah, it wasn’t exactly my style either but it was sparkly! With awesome bead trim! And sexy. So I rocked that with all the other twinkle and finished off the look with my silver ballet flats. It was a house party and to say I was overdressed is an understatement. The hostess was in an eco-friendly sustainable fiber dress. Just about everyone else was in jeans. Oh well, as The Baroness says, “Any occasion to dress is an occasion to overdress!”

Visit my friend Amber’s NO PANTS 2011 blog.

No Pants December: Day 28

I actually donned not one but two different ensembles today! (Though not simultaneously…) I know, that doesn’t make up for all the instances of wearing dirty laundry or the same thing as the day before. What can I say? Anyway… My plans were to take the puppy for her first grooming and maybe do a bit more thrift shopping. Nothing major. For that I threw on my patterned knit tights (they were clean, I tell you!) and the crazy zebra striped knit dress I picked up at an Ann Taylor outlet mall shop a few years ago. Technically it was a very black and white outfit but I sure felt colorful!

When I got a text from my friend Robin asking if I was going to Lily’s birthday party, I told her I hadn’t received an invitation. She forwarded me the info; it wasn’t a private event so I decided to drag my ass out and attend. I showered and chose a black cotton, A-line eyelet skirt from my closet here, one I found at the Black Rock Boutique; I take it with me to the desert but don’t love it enough to transport it to NYC. (Not to mention that I have, like, 100 black skirts back home, even if most of them are balled up in a Space Bag!) I broke up all the black by pairing it with a shirt I’d also left behind: black with a subtle blue, olive and burgundy flower pattern. I believe it was once Dicie’s, a hand-me-down from one of our many clothing swaps. I’d worn it plenty of times in Manhattan so decided to give it some west coast exposure. Ensuring the outfit was properly DPW I put on my plain black tights and my Fluevogs; can’t rock the ballet flats around a burn barrel! It sure was great to get out of the house and hang with someone other than family.

Visit my friend Amber’s NO PANTS 2011 blog.

No Pants December: Day 27

My mom wanted to go antiquing. I was still experiencing the omnipresent northern California chill, despite the sunshine. I put on my same ol’ “go-to” skirt and a turtleneck that my mom gave me. When she noticed it she asked where I got it and said she thought it looked like “her kinda thing.” I told her she was welcome to have it back. It really isn’t my kinda thing but I hadn’t packed much and thought I’d left more warmer shirts behind. Sigh. Anyway. I managed to factor in something new by wearing a pair of the tights I bought at Nordstrom last night and put on my ballet flats so the tights would be visible beyond a peek of knee. I didn’t think that red sweater jacket would work with all the brown so I just wore my motorcycle jacket. No sense in sweating the old lady ensemble, given I’d be engaged in old lady activities. Hah!

Visit my friend Amber’s NO PANTS 2011 blog.

Cocky vs. Cunty

Greetings, dear readers!
I do hope you have all survived the holidays relatively unscathed. Yes, I realize we still need to weather my least favorite night of the year — New Year’s Eve — before we can call the season officially over. (And I’ll need to be back on the east coast, as well.) I’ve been so distracted getting through the month of December entertaining and being entertained, hangin’ with my sister and her kids on both coasts, not to mention with my sanity intact and never wearing pants, I’ve somewhat neglected my tales of online dating disasters. I just couldn’t find the time to schedule blind dates, what with all the holly jolly.

But of course, the internet never sleeps (or spends time with family), so while I was busy celebrating, my dating site profiles have been maintaining my sorry-ass search for Mr. Right. Or Mr. Tolerable. It remains a horror show. As I mentioned a few days ago, I signed up for Nerve’s dating site. I haven’t been able to initiate contact with anyone on there because I haven’t paid yet and am not in much of a hurry to; not only are the pickin’s a bit slim, the site is nowhere near fully functional. OKCupid is still free and they’re leaps, bounds and winks ahead of Nerve.

Along with the aforementioned flaws, there are men on the site who still think it’s the ’90s, when Nerve was oh-so-outré and their personals were used primarily for hooking up. The site is now clearly labeled for dating site so I was somewhat surprised to find (or be found by) this particular philanderer. I suppose I shouldn’t have been, given his screen name — EroticFun — a tip-off I somehow overlooked. Below is our backing and forthing, with my (hopefully hilarious) editorializing to lift your spirits. Cheers!

Abbey,
[Hey, thanks for getting the spelling wrong, douchebag. Didn’t you notice it correctly spelled in the EMAIL ADDRESS you used?]
I trust you’ll treat my photo with discretion. [Perhaps if you’d been a nice guy. Given your assholery, I gotta go with HELLS TO THE NO! But I will give you the obligatory black box over your eyes. ‘Cause I’m not always a total cunt.] I’m no pretty boy, but I’ve been called handsome by woman [sic].
Please let me know what you think, one way or the other.
Thanks,
Ari

5’10”
160 lbs
48 year old white male
lean, muscular body (better than most 20 year olds)
shiny salt & pepper hair
been called handsome (no pretty boy here)
well read
well educated
sense of humor
strong, strong sex drive
insatiable
dominant (light bondage, nipple play, spanking, hair pulling, cock worship, D/s role play)
love to please
married
discreet — you be too
dd free — you be too
Manhattan

Thanks for your extensive CV.
Not interested.
Abby

Sorry to hear that.  Good luck in your search…
[Aah, there’s that “finality” phrase. But could I leave well enough alone? Apparently not.]

Not sure if you realized it but you neglected to make your married
status clear…
And I am anything BUT submissive…
A
[To be honest, my reason for writing this was that I felt like I’d been too rude and/or dismissive. I thought it would be polite to let him know why I wasn’t interested. Or at least one of the reasons. Er, two. He took it the wrong way. Of course!]

Abby,
I like that you got back to me.  It means that you’re intrigued. [Could this guy be any cockier? Cock photo notwithstanding…]
I don’t think it matters that I’m married.  And I have no problem that you’re not a sub. I would love to bed a tigress… [A “tigress?” Are we in a James Bond movie?]
Do you think you can handle me? [Oh, sweet Christ. The cockiness continues! I’ve handled way more, my grey-haired stranger. WAY more! I do appreciate that the prick he provided wasn’t erect. It shows a certain amount of…restraint.]
Ari

Um, sorry, not THAT intrigued.
And really, are you 48? Or is that a bit of an exaggeration?
[Being nice? Out the fucking window. This guy is so full of himself I decided to unleash complete cunt-dom!]

Not that intrigued, then what does it matter?  The photo was taken 4 weeks ago. [Sorry, but I don’t believe that for a minute.]
Peace.

[And again, unable to leave well enough alone, I write back.]
Oh, and by the way, it actually DOES matter that you’re married.
[Because, yes, it actually does matter! As it would, I assume, to 99% of women.]

Abby,
I’m assuming that you have better things to do with your life then chase down trivial matters from an irrelevant website like Nerve. [Trivial matters? Like the fact that you’re married? And cruising a dating site? I think not. And if the web site is irrelevant, what the hell are you doing on it?]
So let’s cut to the chase.  Do you want to fuck — yes or no?  [Do I want to fuck? Is the site LetsFuck.com? No! It’s a goddamnmotherfucking DATING SITE! Though wait, yes, I DO want to fuck. Just NOT YOU!] If no, then let’s both part ways as adults.
Ari

No.
[And thus far I’ve left well enough alone. I should’ve added the suggestion that he join Ashley Madison, where at least the assumption is that everyone’s married. But I hit “send” on my “No” so quickly I didn’t have time to think! I best not bother, lest he believe I am — yes indeedy! — interested. And I can’t tell you how NOT interested I am! Gaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!]

No Pants December: Day 26

The height of laziness and the height of hermit-dom. I only ventured out of my parents’ house here in Marin to walk to the bank and buy some dog food. The bank was closed; I managed to buy a pair of shoes for $7 at the Salvation Army thrift store and an awesome long suede skirt at a local consignment shop. Oh, and I also bought that dog food. We went out Cheesecake Factory — the height of suburban dining! — for dinner. I slipped into Nordstrom while we waited for our table and picked up two new pairs of tights, one of which bejeweled with sparkling rhinestones. Can’t wait to put them on! And what did I wear for all this dull stuff? That striped sweater dress I traveled in. I know. I could not be more dull.

Visit my friend Amber’s NO PANTS 2011 blog.

No Pants December: Day 25

Happy Christmas! Today’s foray into damp California meant merely dinner with friends of the family in Napa. I wore yesterday’s patterned knit tights, black ballet flats and a plain black skirt, virtually identical to my “go-to” skirt in NYC. In fact, the only difference is the arrangement of the pleats. I think I bought both of them at Ann Taylor Loft about a decade ago. They’ve worked with corsets, for job interviews and just about everything in between. I topped the nondescript skirt with a super corny turtleneck: red with little white snowmen wearing green top hats. It is the last day I can get away with this shit. (Not that I don’t get away with similar shit the rest of the year…) For additional warmth, I threw on a red wool sweater blazer that was a hand-me-down from my sister — and the one my mom couldn’t get to me yesterday. At least I didn’t wear that red scarf!

Visit my friend Amber’s NO PANTS 2011 blog.

No Pants December: Day 24

Ho ho ho! Have we had enough of red and white stripey tights and that Mongolian lamb scarf? Not quite yet, apparently. For Christmas Eve day, I was headed to church with my sister and the kids. Unfortunately my mom was feeling sickly and couldn’t bring me the blazer I was planning to wear so I sported my biker jacket over my ensemble, which consisted of the silver Gap skirt (now in a size 8), a plain black shirt and patterned  knit tights. Yes, I did look like an aging rocker chick, standing out just a smidge amidst the gentile 1% in their designer dresses and pointy-toed shoes. I went with my festive silver ballet flats, purchased at Payless a few years back; they are, unfortunately, on their last legs. (Er, feet?) I added color to the costume with that red Mongolian lamb scarf. I know…could I be more boring? I didn’t want to pack a lot, anticipating bringing more clothes back to New York from my parents’. Even so, my suitcase weighed a ton…sigh. Anyway, Felice Navidad!

Visit my friend Amber’s NO PANTS 2011 blog.

No Pants December: Day 23

Today was a travel day so it was all about comfort. I put on my awesome striped sweater dress, a pair of tights and my Fluevogs an was good to go! Not much more to add…

Visit my friend Amber’s NO PANTS 2011 blog.