Vast (Cyber) Wasteland

Sigh. I have been feeling SO scattered! Not having internet access in my apartment is a royal pain in the ass. I just can’t quite concentrate in the coffee shop. Hopefully I get something hooked up soon! Until then, the best I can do blog-wise is complain about blind dating…

I’ve only been back in NYC two weeks and I managed to schedule 10 dates. As a result I’ve tolerated paranoid emails, name-calling, cancellations, rescheduling and feeling ridiculed. I’ve had to buy my own beer and my own tea, and when dinner was paid for, it was done so begrudgingly, since the dude’s ex-wife wasn’t as financially independent as he would’ve liked. Mind you, he chose a really expensive restaurant or I would’ve paid. Hell, I didn’t order an appetizer (or a second beer…or dessert) just in case I did have to pay. But he offered. And then complained about it in an email. Whatthefuckever. He almost fell off his barstool when he saw my (wrist) tattoos. I asked him if he actually looked at my profile pix, since my crown tattoo is very visible. In that aforementioned email, he also said, “I was a little suprised at how tall you were.” Yet one more little factoid that was INCLUDED IN MY PROFILE!

So yeah, the dates I actually went on have been varying shades of tolerable. The latest was a nice guy, if not a match made in heaven, but I can’t quite grasp how it was we wound up out together. I’m beginning to lose faith in OKCupid’s marshmallow robot! One gentleman sent me a note assuming I’d be “surprised by his profile,” one that was accompanied by a shot of him in black underwear, holding a whip. He thought he was interested in BDSM but, when it came down to it, is only seeking a woman who’ll take charge in the bedroom. I assured him that his profile did not surprise me in the least, given my bizarre lives, and met with him, more or less, on a “consultation” basis. I enjoyed his company and hope to introduce him to a few sexually aggressive females!

SeniorPeopleMeet has been a horror show. One guy cancelled on me, rescheduled and then cancelled again. He said he had a chemo appointment. Now, if that’s true, I’d be happy to reschedule again. And if it’s a lie, it’s a pretty evil one. Fortunately I found one guy on there who’s actually a burner. I won’t get my hopes up, but at least he won’t make fun of me — and Burning Man — through an entire meal. Ugh. How do I communicate to men that I’m not interested in “squares” without sounding like a square myself? “Don’t be a muggle!”? I don’t even know what “normal” is anymore.

Well, at least my one-month membership on SPM will be expiring (not a moment too) soon! Check out these gems:

like to ride motorcycles go to dinner i am new at this.

[Uh, that’s pretty obvious. Are you new at typing, too? Sheesh! This next guy’s screen name is WILDJIM. Uh-huh, really wild!]

i am a veteran i do a lot for the clubs of the vets my passion in life is are my kids and grandkids

[Yup, nothin’ like grandkids to say, “Whoa, baby, I’m a WILD man!]

Hey girl… I just viewed your profile. My name is Bob and I am here in Reynoldburg Ohio. A couple quick things; I am self employed and a Antique Furniture Dealer. I do have some cars and my favorite is my 1969 Firebird Convertible with 912HP engine. Yes it is quick and fast. You will see this in my photo’s. I do want to mention that I do not know you other than by your photos. I like to joke around and please don’t take this comment only as a complement… Well from what I see from your photo’s I would travel across the Sahara Desert in 120 degree heat barefoot and walk across many pieces of glass just to hear you tinkle in a pop can :)) Smile!!! 
Hey I am Reynoldsburg Ohio and you can give me a call on my cell phone at 000-000-0000.

[Yeah, I get it. You’re in Reynoldsburg, OH. So why the hell are you writing to me? Are you gonna drive that super-fast ’69 Firebird all the way to Manhattan to meet me? Oh. Wait. Tinkle in a pop can? Sooooo not my thing, dude!]

I want you, my dear readers, to know that, if nothing else, these dates (or near dates) are all blog fodder so I can continue to entertain you. If I were only (only? ONLY!) looking for true love, I would’ve jumped off a bridge ages ago! Cause online dating is a fucking vast wasteland! Anyway…onward!

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5 responses to “Vast (Cyber) Wasteland

  1. When I was seventeen, I asked my dad how a guy knows he’s really in love. He considered me for a second and then said, “You know you’re in love when you’d crawl a mile over broken glass just to pick the beans out of her shit with your teeth.” Well, damn, old man. I’ve been married three times but I guess I’ve never really been in love. And I hope I never am.

  2. Wow. Those are some pretty awful dates. I’m especially fond of “tinkle in a pop can”! LULZ.

  3. “April is the cruelest month,” wrote T.S. Eliot in “The Wasteland” . . . Hmmm . . . perhaps he should have followed that with “and November is merciless in its ability to discourage” . . . Hope your vivre d’amour improves . . . Mine is pretty much DOA . . . ;-)> . . .

  4. Online dating is a horrific soul-crunching nightmare, but that being said, it’s funny how many of us turn to it instead of the typical bars, friends, and workplace alternate route. it’s like the adage about capitalism (a terrible system but the best we’ve got).

    I’m still starting to think the best online dating would be some kind of matchmaker service where you could only refer people to each other, but never refer yourself.

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