I think my online dating excursions have reached a new low. And I’ve hardly even left the house. I’m patiently waiting for my month’s membership on SeniorPeopleMeet to expire. It seems that most of the men on here are about to expire! It’s depressing as hell! To call it a retirement community would be saying there may actually be some action – or some socializing. Most of these men look like they don’t ever get off their couches. They don’t know how to spell. They don’t know how to type. And they sure as hell don’t know how to present themselves in an online forum. Frankly it’s mind-boggling that there could be so many functionally illiterate men out there! And so many from Buffalo! Check out some of these erudite Einsteins and their alluring sales pitches:
SKIPHIGH says he’s “interested in me” (with one of those canned emoticon messages). His profile? No photo and:
I very happy going guy easy to please love to go out love sports and love church
Yup, completely sans punctuation!
ATREVINO533 is also interested. His profile? Another black silhouette and:
I looking for some one
I’m sure he is. But again, no punctuation.
Another match made in cyber-heaven:
I am a widower who is dedicated to his family. I do not smoke or drink. I am a home body unless it is going for a drive into the country, antique shows, garage sales, carnivals, fairs or activities with the kids or work
iwant somebody to like me for who iam
I guess it makes complete sense that these guys don’t bother writing a personal message. They’re barely capable of tip-tapping out a brief description of themselves! I assume a date would involve raw meat, rubbing sticks together and, if I lasted long enough, them dragging me back to their caves by my hair.
Okay, so I realize that I may be coming off sound like a bit of a hypocrite. I’m calling old guys fossils while desiring dates with younger dudes. But I’ve never made a cyber-pass at anyone more than a decade my junior. And can I help it if I wind up in bed with boys a dozen years younger? It takes two! I hope you won’t hold it against me.
TOLDUIWOULDWAIT in Minneapolist says:
Not many of us still drink PBR, I think that is what I saw in your pic
Right he is! And clearly this guy hasn’t been to a bar overrun by hipsters in the last, like, decade! Or perhaps to a bar, period.
REDNOLES, a 77-year-old in, like, Florida, says:
Sweetheart thanks for your photos you made my day. If we don’t ever chat or any thing I can look at your pictures and drool. lov you Larry
Thank you, Larry. I guess.
You’re too far away to bother chatting. And you’re also a bit too old for me. I know, age is just a number. But seriously…
And then there are the wholesome guys who are, for some odd reason, attracted to me. This gentleman was a little overboard in his first hello:
Subject: Your up late!
I liked your profile and it made me think that It’s times like these we learn to live again. I am a down to earth man looking for a special person to share my life with. I am a very easy person to get along with.I am looking for a loving, committed relationship. Not just a fling or one night stand. Family is very important to me. I am looking for a someone who is respectful but not to serious. If you cant laugh at yourself don’t laugh at anyone else. Someone who will treat me as good as I treat them. I am looking for a best friend that can turn into something more. I am a widower who is dedicated to his family. I do not smoke or drink, I’d just like to add, I’m a traditional man and a gentleman. As I approach the second chapter of my life, I am excited at the prospect of having a wonderful life with someone very near and dear to my heart. Would you like to get to know one another?
Or should I say “I Love You”
Thank you for your note.
No, I don’t think you should say “I love you.” You know close to nothing about me.
I drink all the time. I’ve written for porn magazines. I use the word “fuck” in every other sentence.
So I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t have much in common.
I wish you luck in your search and hope you find that best friend you’re looking for.
I guess I was successful in my attempt to dissuade him because he didn’t respond. I can’t say the same for the god-fearing guy on OKCupid. (See that post for…that.)
And for a few good laughs, here are a couple pix of men who’ve been “interested in me” (cue smiley emoticon):
I KNOW! I am going to burn in HELL! But really…. I mean REALLY!