Monthly Archives: October 2011

Senior People….Zzzzzzzz

Yes, I’m back. Back in the city. And back at the online dating grind. As predicted, more high hilarity has ensued and I haven’t even been on a date yet! (Well, technically I have been on a date. Last night I met up with someone I’d been emailing on OKCupid since last year. So that doesn’t really count. Or does it? More on that another time.) Anyway.

A few months before I left for the desert I joined SeniorPeopleMeet. I mean I signed up for it but didn’t pay, so I was only being “viewed.” I couldn’t respond to emails or communicate with members in any other fashion. I made a joke about it here. But a few days after I returned to civilization, I actually forked over the money for a month’s membership. And when I told friends about it they all groaned, “You aren’t a senior, Abby!” But I kind of am. I mean, it was getting a little ridiculous being “cruised” — and propositioned — by 20-somethings on OKCupid . Flattering as well, yes, but not exactly leading in the direction of forever. I thought, why not get on a site designed specifically for people at least a little bit older? Like, in my general age range… Well, holymotherofgod. It’s like a goddamn old folks’ home on there! Not to mention the lamest, corniest, clunkiest interface EVAR! I’d say don’t get me started but you know that’s exactly what you want! Okay, here goes!

One of the site’s most glaring glitches was evident on my “Who’s Viewed Me” page; men who had not only viewed me before but who had emailed me (or, more likely, “flirted”) were listed as “NEW!” with “1 view.” They can’t even seem to get that right. Not that it matters.

First off, the site offers canned “flirts,” much like OKCupid’s “winks.” They are incredibly trite and about as far some sincere as the internet is capable of conveying:
Feel free to send me a message ; ) – Yeah, why don’t YOU send ME a message? Instead of this stupid “flirt?”
I’m interested in you. Yup, interested and lazy.
I’d love to hear from you. Um, not gonna happen. 
Great Photo. Care to chat sometime? Yeah, that last one makes me think there’s more money to be made by the site if everyone’s IMing away. I haven’t been brave enough — or stupid enough — to turn off my pop-up blocker and allow these fossils to “chat” with me!
I Like You! Hahahahah! Sounds like one of those little Valentines we used to swap in grade school. Which is pretty much the way the whole site feels. And, I’m assuming, the demographic they’re shootin’ for.

These “flirts” are all accompanied by cutesy-pooh emoticons, ie a smiley face with hearts as eyes. I was getting so many that I changed my profile to say: Also, no “flirts.” They’re generic and anonymous and irritating as HELL! If you can’t craft a personal message, don’t bother. I realize that because you’re on THIS site you may be a Luddite, but don’t let that hamper your ability to communicate. But does anyone pay any attention? Hell no. And most of those who did take the time to write a personal message asked what “Luddite” means. Sigh.

I’d also written PLEASE! If you don’t have a photo, don’t bother! It’s only fair. Yet the generic, canned flirts just keep on a’comin’! Grrrr! Faceless dudes all over the damn country emailing me flaming hearts. That’s another mark against the site: it doesn’t screen people for geographic location unless you’re doing the searching. In other words, it throws people at you with little regard to where you live.

A few days ago my inbox started blowing up. And I began to suspect the site of sending bots. Er, fake emails. I was getting “views” and “flirts” from dozens of men who had no photos, many of which didn’t even have a brief little blurb of introduction. “Ping” after “ping” from the black silhouette head, smiley face with heart-shaped eyes and screen names that appeared to have a strange same-ness: FRED45COOL and JIM69TX or SAM77SWIM. Those who did have a bit of their profile filled out were so generic that they sounded made up. With all my experience trying to sound like a “real person” back in my porn days, it isn’t difficult to recognize fictionalization. So many included the words “laid back” and “easy going” that everyone sounded tranquilized! Like I said, it does resemble a retirement community.

Of course, the names that do have photos and profiles are just plain alarming: CHUCKYHOT. Um, not. WILDBUTSAFE. I seriously doubt it. The wild part, I mean. COOLTUSH. Huh? The percentage of men who have the word “fun” in their screen name is also somewhat jarring. I realize I’m “old” and still “fun” but just because you can still get up and walk around doesn’t quite qualify you as “fun.” Or hot. Or wild.

Here are few of the most frightening examples (and my apologies to you, gentlemen, but I mean, c’mon):

This guy says he’s 50. Really? I mean, seriously? There is NO WAY!

And this guy is supposedly 51. Can’t that truly BE?

I suppose, at 56, this gentleman is more credible, but doesn’t it look like he’s a little used up? Or beaten down?

The bottom line is, do ANY of these guys look like they’d have anything in common with me? Be able to keep up with me? I included in my profile a brief, if slightly ballsy (and possibly offensive) caveat: “You’d better be a VERY young old person! I have never dated anyone older than me, at least not since before I got my driver’s license. I have an exciting life that I’d love to share but I don’t want it to kill anyone!” Why go on a date if the dude’s gonna keel over the next day?

Thus far I’ve had only one slightly unpleasant interaction. In a fit of disgust at yet another guy without a photo sending me a somewhat obnoxious email, I couldn’t stop myself from being a bit rude:

Subject: Dear Abby,
OmiGod, I just had to say that, start this massage no,I didn’t misspell it, (verbal massage) that way. Well I barely remembered what a luddite is(small l in Webster’s). I don’t send “flirts”; they are meaningless, should never have been born, only massage to be read, although I give great backrub. That is simply a given. For once you are going to be the “editoree” instead of the editor. And that, in my humble…….is o.k.
Webster’s….I know….AGAIN…. calls fem. for editor “editress”, you call that person an “editrix”. Do not fear, I shall be gentle, for who knows,this could be your very 1st time? But since that is highly improbable, I shall still be gentle because I am a gentle kind of a guy, and I like to play with the Language, craft my own words, am also a writer….Michael P.S. Old enough to be your father? Hardly. Being away at boarding school when I was 15 or so, I had yet to discover girls. Gosh, that is such a vulnerable admission. Will you be gentle too?….

My response:
Did you read the part of my profile that said no photo, no response? Guess not.

And his:
Ohhh, so short, so curt, so goodbye. [Sent twice!]

Augmented by:
Ooops, think I sent that one twice, a mistake. In your world it doesn’t sound like any are made….or allowed to. I was,and am, going to add, sooo sarcastic….funny thing about sarcasm…. anyone can do it, be that way, even a mental midget 

Hahahaah! Mental midget! Yup, that’s me!

There are, surprisingly, a few guys on the site who don’t look like Santa Claus, don’t live in West Virginia and are capable of stringing together a few sentences with the proper spelling and punctuation. I’m lining up dates with some of them. I’ll most certainly let you know how they go!

I’m Back!

It’s been about 48 hours since I landed and I am SOOOO happy to be home! Though it’s a grey day, it’s still New York City, with bustling sidewalks, a staggering array of humanity, friends dropping by and shit happening and…YAY! I’m already too busy to blog just yet but that should change after Halloween blows over. I’m co-producing Ghostlight with Chi Chi Valenti and it should be a gorgeous evening. I’m planning on attending SMack! on Saturday night and will do my best to get out and party Friday and Sunday nights as well. Like I said, it’s already a whirlwind!

In addition to the other general blogging topics, I should add “I (finally) Got Laid!” That alone will be worth the wait! Did I also mention that I’m back on the dating sites? More hilarity will ensue, I’m sure. Hmm, what else?

Did I point you all in the direction of “How I Spent My Summer Vacation?”
DPW Sign Shop
Playa Restoration
Both are blogs on the Burning Man site that give a pretty great picture of what goes on out there!

Anyway, I am looking forward to being cyber-productive again and hearing from all of you in my personal peanut gallery! Til November…

I’m (Almost) Back!

Hello, out there in the blogosphere! Yes, it’s been months. I’ve been out in the Nevada desert working for Burning Man. It was an awesome year, which was totally unexpected. I’ll elaborate once I’m back at my laptop in NYC. At the moment I’m still in California, in a state of semi-limbo, but I’ll be back at this soon.

Some topics I’ve been mulling over that you can look forward to:

• The AWESOME time I had out in the desert! Of course!
• Other Exes
• Something about how the season went with, well, if you were reading pre-July, you know…
• Yes, MORE online dating! High hilarity continues!
• “Is 52 Too Old For…?” Musings about being 52 and wondering if I’m too old for…stuff. It will be an ongoing conversation (with myself).
• Money (between my sister and how much she spends and all the current news and Facebook postings about Occupy Wall Street, it’s been on my mind even more than usual)
• Enlightenment…Spirituality…Motivation…Procrastination

So stay tuned. I get back to NYC on the 24th and will be frantically unpacking, cleaning, seeing friends and prepping for GHOSTLIGHT, the Halloween event I’m co-producing with Chi Chi Valenti. So I’ll see you in November! I can’t wait!

DPW Talent Show Songs

On the last Saturday night of Playa Restoration, we have the DPW Talent Show. My first year working some of the talent included a guy who could suck his own cock and a bunch of guys shot-gunning beers and puking into a trash can. Each year the show has become a bit more sophisticated; we’ve even had an opera singer! But the most fun “talent” is rewriting songs with topical lyrics. Austintatious wrote her “MOOPiest Things” in 2006 and did a reprise of it this year; I performed my third DPW ditty. Below are the lyrics for all three of my silly songs, for the sake of posterity:

2011
DPW
(Sung to the tune of YMCA)
Douchebag, you don’t need to leave town
I said, hippy, pick your MOOP off the ground
I said, dickwad, you’re on Resto crew now
There’s no need for you to melt down!

Homeless, here’s a place you can stay
I said, broke-ass, 50 dollars a day
You can stay here, in the Gerlach Estates
You’ll ex-per-i-ence al-tered states!

It’s great to be on the DPW
It’s fun to play with the DPW
Every day at morale, we all start to get drunk
You can hang out with all the punks
DPW, it’s great to be on the DPW
You can get yourself high
You can learn to throw clods
You can drink Vodka of the Gods!

Dumbass, are you listening to me?
I said, loser, where do you want to be?
I said, fucktard, it’s the job of your dreams
But you’ve got to learn this one thing
No one parties all on his own
I said, share your nitrous, acid and blow
It’s a haven from Reality Camp
You can wear Bur-ning Man’s garbage!

It’s fun to be on the DPW
It’s great to be with the DPW
You can get yourself laid
You can punch Andy’s balls
You can snort drugs off your friend’s cock!

DPW, it’s great to be with the DPW
You can get yourself fluffed
You can get yourself fed
You can sleep in a lumpy bed!

Jerkoff, I was once in your boots
I said, fuck-up, I was rollin’ in loot
But my job was just a terrible bore
I wanted to en-joy my  life more!
That’s when DA came up to me
And said, Stabby, take a walk up the street
There are trailers and some portapotties
And an awe-some all night par-ty!

It’s fun to be with the DPW
It’s great to be on the DPWW
We’ve got Mutiny Day
With a stuffed horse to kill
You can fry your brains for a thrill!
DPW, it’s fun to be with the DPW…

2010
MELTDOWN MONDAY
(sung to the tune of Manic Monday)
Six o’clock already
Trailer 8’s still up in the dark
Gotta get to the meeting
Catch the bus when it leaves the trailer park
Another day of line sweeps
Lookin’ forward to our 3 o’clock beer
These are the days when you wonder How the hell did I get here?

It’s just another meltdown Monday (oh-oo-oh)
After day off Sunday (oh-oo-oh)
Too much booze in one day (oh-oo-oh)
Hey don’t give Eve a gun day (oh-oo-oh)
It’s just another meltdown Monday

The dirt clods are flyin’
Someone got hit in the eye
The meltdown bugs are swarmin’
And StAbby is startin’ to cry
We’re hallucinating hot spots!
Asshole turf and broken glass
Everyone’s half naked, I can see way too much of your ass

It’s just another meltdown Monday (oh-oo-oh)
The very last one day (oh-oo-oh)
Restoration’s done day (oh-oo-oh)
Hey this has been fun day (oh-oo-oh)
Just another meltdown Monday (oh-oo-oh)

2009
FEELIN’ STABBY
(sung to the tune of Feelin’ Groovy)
Fuck off, you MOOP too slow
Cut off the dreds and let your hair grow
Just pickin’ my nose and dodgin’ rocks
Lookin’ for trash ‘n’ feelin’ stabby
Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da…feelin’ stabby

Hello douchebag
Whatcha smokin’
Ya think that’s workin’
Ha, you’re jokin’
Ain’t ya got no place to be
Do-it-in-do-doo you make me stabby

Checked out on my life
Became an ex-wife
I’m fucked up and filthy and ready to slice
Any chick that my boyfriend is being nice to
Bitch I’ll cut you
All is stabby

Hate your piercings
Hate your get up
Why don’t you do a fuckin’ sit-up?
Your belly sticks out further than your chest
It isn’t your best
It makes me stabby
Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da…feelin’ stabby

Hey there hippy
Hide your SawzAll
Don’t fuck with me I’m menopausal
Ain’t ya got no meds for me
Keep me on E or else I’m stabby
Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da…feelin’ stabby

[This is where my “playa name” of “StAbby” originated. Guess who the “do a sit-up” line was about? Yup, the chick my ex was fucking during clean-up this year. He used to make fun of her too. Hah. Whatever.]