Ex’s Exes

Last night I met E, an effervescent young woman who had commented on a few of my blog posts. We share an ex-lover, E and I, and we compared notes over beers, much as another ex-lover of my ex-lover and I once did. It seems this ex-lover has a bit of a problem telling the truth and note-comparing shines a light on those lies that is simultaneously hilarious and heartbreaking.

I’m not the first woman to be lied to. And I’m most definitely not the only woman this man has lied to. But meeting E made me doubt if there was ever any truth to my relationship with him at all, which is exactly how his previous ex felt when I met up with her. It causes me to reevaluate everything he said to me — daily! — to doubt myself and wonder how the hell I could’ve been so stupid. I have other exes and I can’t say that I feel the same way about them. Although our break-ups ended in varying degrees of disappointment, I never felt betrayed.

I am now faced with seeing this man every morning at breakfast and every evening at dinner. I’m doing my best to not direct any energy his way and he’s wearing a long face. In order for me to survive he simply must not exist in my world. Which is pretty fucking sad. His long face is a reminder of the lies he’s told about me — and the lies he told me about his previous ex — that paint him to be a victim. It seems that if he is able to elicit sympathy, love and affection soon follow. Again, sad. And there I am, in his trap.

Recently he betrayed yet another strong, confident and talented woman. He brought her on a group camping trip and left her stranded, ditching her for another fuck. [See here for sick story of said fuck.] In an extremely public manner. It pains me to know that there’s now one more woman out there wondering how the hell she could’ve been so stupid.

Yes, there are a multitude of broken heart stories — songs and soap operas, chick flicks and novels — and everyone has been hurt by someone. It’s life. And love. But I don’t know of any other men who have serially damaged each woman they’ve come into contact with the way this man has. It’s just fucking depressing.

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4 responses to “Ex’s Exes

  1. As I said before, people are drawn to drama and “comparing notes”…it has a strange allure to a mankind. Everyone is guilty of it, at some point, at some degree.The meeting of an ex of an ex has given you something that you have already known.. was it that vital afterall? Both of you are no longer a part of his life and are not going to spend the rest of your life with him. Why even bother finding out’ or coming across the extra shit about him? How one does even find out about the betrayed woman for another fuck, and may be even knowing who the fuck is, and the scale of the “event”? This type of news sure travel fast on the routes unknown, and here we go with curiosity again.
    Whatever he is doing with his life and choices is up to him and only him. No matter how bad or good they are. No matter what everyone thinks. It may be sad and frustrating , his behavior and choices, but the truth is that it is his responsibility. Leave him be. So what that you have to run into him, knowing what you know, every breakfast and dinner? You are in the desert for a cause, work and build the city and share time with other people and have fun. This is what matters. Human relationships are complex, but you can take it down a notch to make it easier on yourself.

    • Um, hmmm, have you been reading this blog? I know you have because you’ve commented before. I don’t find our “note comparing” to be drama. For K it was a way of working through the pain he had caused her and moving on, finding out precisely when he began cheating on and lying to her. She had questions. He wouldn’t provide the answers and I was able to. If you asked her, I’m sure she would say she found value in our meeting, not drama.

      “Finding out” or “coming across” this “extra shit about him” has been involuntary in some of our circumstances and deliberate in others, such as when we’ve been curious about the other “evil” women who he so vilified. Unfortunately the internet allows us to discover things we might not otherwise. That was how E found me. The fact that the two of us wanted to meet in person had no drama around it. Again, it was an opportunity for us to provide each other with answers. I don’t agree that drama has “a strange allure to mankind,” but do agree that curiosity certainly is a human trait and we often feel compelled to sleuth out stuff we probably shouldn’t.

      On that topic, I’m curious who you are. Without much detective work I can tell that you are in the Bay Area and that English is not your native language. Is it just a coincidence that the same can be said of the “fuck” I referred to in my post? Another coincidence that the only two blog posts you’ve commented on are the ones that are about him? Perhaps your curiosity has caused you to sleuth me out? I suppose I’ll never know.

      But based on past behavior and how this man operates, I would put money on your being “in his life” now that the three (or more?) of us aren’t. Best of luck to you. I might suggest that you no longer read my blog. You don’t seem to have much compassion for or understanding of my emotions, which is pretty much what the blog is about. As I’ve written before, they are my feelings and I have every right to express them. They aren’t up for “agreement” or “validation.”

      Oh, and lastly, if you have the time, perhaps you could better explain these two sentences, because they are regrettably garbled and make no sense: “How one does even find out about the betrayed woman for another fuck, and may be even knowing who the fuck is, and the scale of the “event”? This type of news sure travel fast on the routes unknown, and here we go with curiosity again.”

    • While the questionable gentleman in question was the catalyst for the meeting, my meeting with Abby was about finding the truth and sharing our own experiences. Meeting with someone who has shared your irritation and grief, especially in an effort to expose the truth, is not “drama”. The only person who has managed to call my meeting with Abby “drama” is you, which exposes how painfully shortsighted your perspective is. I hate to break your heart, but we aren’t crafting some insidious revenge plot, nor talking about how to stir things up. No, in fact, it was mostly about our FEELINGS, and how to rebuild ourselves from here.

      Your judgmental, dismissive attitude suggests that you’ve never been in a situation similar to what has transpired for (apparently) many women who have gotten involved with James. Although that reflects itself in your flawed “wisdom,” I’m glad for you. I hope you can maintain that simplicity. It’s fucking golden.

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