Open for Business. WIDE Open!

TMI ALERT! Personal medical blah-di-blah below, so beware!

I’m a little achy today. My breasts are tender and my pussy is sore. But not for the reasons you’d suspect. Nope, I didn’t get lucky last night. Yesterday I had three different medical procedures and they all involved much poking and prodding.

The first was with the gynecologist to follow up an abnormal pap test. The doctor has been monitoring my HPV, another fabulous parting gift courtesy of the ex-boyfriend. She took a peek inside me with a microscope. Nothing too scary! Hah! But seriously, there’s no “cure” for HPV; often it just spontaneously disappears. Mine has been hangin’ around for a while now, longer than is healthy, and the virus can lead to cervical cancer. So she keeps on inspecting my cells. Thus far, they’re behaving.

From that scrape-n-scrutinize I trotted a few blocks west for my (slightly less than annual) mammogram. The nurse had to re-do two of the four “shots” due to folds in my breast-flesh. Ouch! That uncomfortable compression session was followed by a “trans-vaginal sonogram” to check  out my (thankfully) shrinking uterine fibroids. This procedure was conducted by a sadistic Eastern European Svetlana who crammed her sound wave picture-taking pokey thingamajig into every corner and crevice of my cunt. It wasn’t a very pleasant sensation, though I did try and tell myself it could just as easily be a penis as that magical medical wand.

Which leads me to my latest state of mind. (Perhaps I should call it my State of the Snatch!) I’ve decided that I’m gonna have sex. Loads of it. With whoever will have me. Yup, I’m gonna whore it up, really get back to my roots — my dirty, slutty roots. I’m gonna get shitfaced and suck cock. I’m gonna get black-out drunk and make out with whoever is handy. I’ve been feeling sorry for myself long enough. It’s time to get back onto that damn horse and ride it till it’s dripping with sweat.

That said, I’ve gotta arm myself with a big ol’ tub of lube and plenty of condoms, so I can protect my prospective partners from the HPV. If you think you’re in line for a piece of me, consider yourself warned! The rest of you, stay tuned!

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5 responses to “Open for Business. WIDE Open!

  1. Yippie-Ki-Yay, motherfucker! Hi ho, Silver, away!

  2. Now you tell me

  3. he’s just the gift that keeps on giving.

  4. So how I apply for this “position?”

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