My Roots

I’m on vacation. Not that I need a vacation, since my life is pretty much a non-stop vacation as it is. I haven’t worked in months and months. And if you don’t “count” DPW Sign Shop, I haven’t worked in years. Years. Sigh.

But back to my “vacation.” I’m in North Carolina with family and a few assorted others. It isn’t what I would call harmonious. Beyond the expected cacophony of kids — aged 2, 5, 8, 9, 11 and 13 — there are the adults, whose grim silences are actually far more grating. More “grown-ups” are en route, along with two more kids (who only speak German, but I’m sure will be capable of contributing to the aforementioned cacophony). Sigh. I wish I’d stayed home, since my time at home is limited. In fact, after I get home from this vacation I only have a week until I head out into the desert.

There hasn’t been much room here for my recent anxieties or emotions, in between the tears of the kids and the dueling divorces. My discontent pales in comparison with child custody and the separation of extensive worldly possessions. Oddly, though my stress level doesn’t seem to have budged a bit, the hideous neural pain I’ve been experiencing has eased. I’d assumed it was somehow stress related but, well…

I’ve had three sessions of acupuncture and enjoyed it immensely. I’d like to think that it’s why my pain has subsided. Perhaps it is. TMI ALERT! Coinciding with the initial session, I started experiencing a strange sensation in perineum. It feels like there’s a droplet of water about to dribble off of me…or a tiny little bit of breeze, as though I have a hole in my underwear. Very peculiar. I’ve been to the gynecologist recently and, well, there’s nothing physically amiss. Nothing growing or leaking or whatever. It isn’t irritating or anything; it just constantly draws my attention to that area. I was wondering if it had any relation to the root chakra. Not that I’m all woo-woo about that shit but, well, ya never know. I can’t explain it any other way.

So I emailed my friend Barbara Carrellas about it. She’s an expert on all things chakra related and the author of Urban Tantra, among other books. I asked her what she thought. Her response:

I think this can be explained in several ways. Neurologically speaking, the acupuncture needles might be stimulating in some specific/unusual way one of the major nerves (pelvic, vagus, pudendal, et al) on which sexual/pelvic sensations travel.
Energetically speaking, yes, it does seem like there’s some sort of opening happening. Is the energy chi? Kundalini? Something else? I don’t think it matters what you call it. Is there any connection between the neural pain you’re treating with the acupuncture and the first chakra? Meaning, might it have anything to do with security, tribe/family, survival, home, grounding, or money as it relates to one of those?
I think you’re on to the important aspect when you say that it’s bringing mindfulness to the area. Perhaps you could expand your awareness beyond the physical sensations to the other properties of the root chakra. You could meditate on this during the acupuncture sessions. See if you get any insights, messages, etc.
This is fascinating. Let me know how it goes.

I haven’t had another session since I heard from her and plan to meditate (as best as I’m able) on the topic the next time. But whoa, there sure as hell are a lot of things going on for me that relate to the root chakra:

The dueling divorces.
My sister buying my ex-husband out of my apartment.
My inability to actually afford said apartment…the maintenance, and, well, life in general…
If my “tribe” is at all burner related, you’ve been reading about my trepidations…
My dad becoming increasingly more rutabaga-like.
My sister’s new relationship. And my mother’s inability to accept it. Not to mention my objections…
My reluctance to leave my “home” for that home in the desert.
My fear about leaving my insular New York City social circle for the less-than-supportive environment of the playa.
The “giving” of my home to friends and, soon, strangers, even while I’m still in the same city.

In other words, when it comes to all things root chakra related, there’s pretty much nothing I feel secure about. Including security itself. So even though my relatives are driving me bat-shit-crazy, I’ve been — literally — feeling no pain. Could it be that despite the collective insanity of my family I am experiencing — however subconcsiously — temporary security? And if that’s the case, will the pain magically re-appear, as quickly and inexplicably as it disappeared, once I am out in the middle of goddamn nowhere?

I realize I’m all over the map here. I have been working so hard at feeling strong, focused, powerful. When in fact, I just feel exhausted. I’m actually feeling sorta tired of feeling. The ex-boyfriend is still seeing the same woman he was “caught” fucking at that party. I suppose it shouldn’t come as a big surprise. But I sure wish it was me who was happily screwing someone instead. Sigh. I’m going to bed. Early. And I have a feeling (heh. feeling…) that I’m going to be going to bed early a lot in the coming months. Dear Universe: Please send me someone to go to bed with. Love, Abby

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