Monthly Archives: June 2011

Passing with Flying Colors!

In my moments of boredom — between Facebook and emails and web sudoku — I was taking a few of the wacky tests on OkCupid. There are hundreds of them and they’re pretty amusing. I took one years ago; there was a link to it on the Burning Man list and we all posted our results. It was the “How Much of a Slut Are You?” test and I was a 75% slut. The Whiskey & Whores band wrote a song with that title and dedicated it to me at a Decom! I digress…

Of the tests I took in my latest lapse of boredom, only one was was fairly deep and thought-provoking. The rest were pretty shallow. They were all surprisingly accurate. See what you think!

Your result for The What Kind of Girl are You Test …
The Liberal Beauty
You scored 71 looks, 78 personality, 27 politics, and 83 sex drive!
You’re beautiful, you have a great personality, and you’re highly sexual. You’re a liberal with your views and you don’t put morals before everything. You’re probably a great wife or girlfriend, and you know how to make sure that the ones you love are happy. You’re probably fun in a conversation and I’m sure that you are as loveable as you are beautiful.

How can I argue with any of that? I am as, indeed, all those things! Or have been. Since I’m currently not a wife or a girlfriend. But I hope to be soon!

Okay, that was a shallow one.

Your result for The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test …
8 – the Asserter
Thanks for taking the test !
you chose AY – your Enneagram type is EIGHT (aka “The Challenger”).
“I must be strong”
Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.
How to Get Along with Me
• Stand up for yourself… and me.
• Be confident, strong, and direct.
• Don’t gossip about me or betray my trust.
• Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
• Give me space to be alone.
• Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don’t flatter me.
• I often speak in an assertive way. Don’t automatically assume it’s a personal attack.
• When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that’s just the way I am.
What I Like About Being a EIGHT
• being independent and self-reliant
• being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
• being courageous, straightforward, and honest
• getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
• supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
• upholding just causes
What’s Hard About Being a EIGHT
• overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don’t intend to
• being restless and impatient with others’ incompetence
• sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
• never forgetting injuries or injustices
• putting too much pressure on myself
• getting high blood pressure when people don’t obey the rules or when things don’t go right
EIGHTs as Children Often
• are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit
• are sometimes loners
• seize control so they won’t be controlled
• figure out others’ weaknesses
• attack verbally or physically when provoked
• take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

Okay, so, yeah. That was the deep one. Again, I don’t think I can argue with any of these conclusions. I mean…I am constantly overwhelming people with my bluntness. The offered how an “EIGHT” would be as a parent, but there’s no need for me to know since that won’t be happening. Eery, though, no?

I took “The Horrifying Stereotype Test” and was deemed a “Sports Dick.” Hmm… It appeared that that result was the default if you’re white and neither overly WASPy or a total hillbilly. And when I took “The Would You Have Been a Nazi Test,” my results were that I would’ve been an average German: I would’ve missed my Jewish friends and the local bagel shop but I wouldn’t have done much to fight the regime. I’d like to think that isn’t true. I also took “The Why Are You Single Test” were  that I am “The Date-er.” There wasn’t much elaboration along with the results, just a question: “Sick of dating, eh?” Um, yes. I’d better find someone soon cause these tests are stupid. And I’m done with the boredom!

0% Match…Indeed!

Against my better judgement, I’m back on OkCupid. It was mostly to stay in touch with the interesting South Dakotan. I haven’t received many emails since  re-joining but there’s been a steady stream of gentlemen visiting my profile. Today I made the mistake of emailing a pleasant looking gentleman. He’d checked me out in the past and hadn’t yet filled out his profile, which makes him a 0%, 0%, 0% match. But I reached out anyway. Stupidity ensued:

So! You still haven’t filled out your profile…but I know you’ve been on here a while. Why the reluctance? Interested enough to get coffee? Or a beer?
Don’t be shy!
Abby

Me…
Resourceful, warm, normal, yes-have a job, intelligent (if I can be the judge), giving, can fix anything/very handy, articulate, little baggage, independent, world’s second greatest lover, prefer a simple life, environmentally aware, progressive leanings PERSISTENT, a Westchester boy who moved to Manhattan, not a foodie, PROGRESSIVE leanings. [I guess he has progressive leanings!]

Okay!
Glad to hear you’re not a foodie. Such know-it-alls! I enjoy a good corn dog on occasion!
Soooo….What are you up to tomorrow night? There’s a fun event on Orchard St. that I’ll be attending. Am I being too forward? This site has been (mostly) a disappointment as far as romance goes so at this point I’m happy to meet like-minded folks and try friendship first!
Let me know if you’d be up for tomorrow night or something some other time!
Abby

Are you ALSO a love makin fool?

Uh, only when I’m in love, I guess…

Are you in love w/me? Cuz if you are….have I got a plan for you!!!!

Hmm, I had merely suggested getting a beer or coffee. Not quite sure why you chose to introduce the love making topic. And no, I’m not in love with you.

Bummer…

Is it just me or was that a peculiar exchange? What a shame, cause he had a nice smile…I’m still holding out hope for The Artist….He sent me this email last night:

Hey beautiful.
We’ll see!

Dick Pix

So with Anthony Weiner’s member making headlines, friends have been asking if I’ve blogged about it or otherwise weighed in with an opinion. I’m usually not one to write a post just to be au courant but I suppose since penis pictures have raised my ire, I ought to at least say something.

How’s this? Men are idiots. Okay, politicians are idiots. Nah, it’s all men.

If you’ve been reading, you know my opinion about cocks and cameras. From shooting sexy self-portraits in their bathroom mirrors to posting the pix on dating sites, emailing their exposed genitalia or texting the bulge in their underwear, it seems men believe women are genuinely enthusiastic about seeing their disembodied dicks. I’ve done loads of informal polling and have yet to find a woman who is, in fact, interested. Has anyone received a prick in their inbox and felt inspired to meet it in person? I doubt it. Even the biggest size queen can easily ascertain if a man is well-endowed before jumping into bed with him without relying upon electronic proof.

As far as Weiner’s weiner (ya just can’t not say it, right?), it’s gotten him in a heap of trouble, more because it is evidence of his poor judgement than anything else. Did he really believe those strange women would keep his secret? It boggles the mind! At the very least, I hope this entire scandal serves as a lesson to other men: Do not, repeat DO NOT, share photos of your penis with anyone. Ever. Save that oversharing for your brick-and-mortar intimacy. I would add “Don’t be an idiot,” but it seems that’s unavoidable.

Speaking of Old…

…about 24 hours ago I created a profile for myself on SeniorPeopleMeet.com. I KNOW! As much as I may fight it, deny it or ignore it, the fact is…umm, I ain’t young! Their “about” copy says the site is for singles over 55 so I figured, what the hell! At least there won’t be any 20-somethings asking me if I’m looking for a boy toy! There doesn’t seem to be an actual age threshold, meaning you don’t need to be a certain age to join. The age range of my “match criteria” is 42-57 but I doubt that there are any 42-year-olds on there. In fact, there probably aren’t any men below the age of 60, now that I think about it. Who else would be shopping online for broads over 50?

In my “A little about me…” I made it very clear that I had just found the site and hadn’t joined yet, so anyone attempting to contact me wouldn’t be able to reach me. I even made a joke about it, saying it would be a test to see how many people actually read the profiles. Sadly, the invisible editors at SeniorPeopleMeet censored me. Perhaps they don’t want the thousands of salivating seniors, eager to get their wrinkled paws on me, to know that their cyber-advances would be falling on deaf ears. Or wind up in the dead email office. Or some such corny mixed metaphor.

They also deleted the text I put into the “I’d just like to add…” box. I believe it was something along the lines of “Google me,” with a few more words about how I’m available online pretty much everywhere. They thoughtfully left my “About the one I’m looking for…” You’d better be a VERY young old person! I have never dated anyone older than me, at least not since before I got my driver’s license. I have an exciting life that I’d love to share but I don’t want it to kill anyone! Bwahahaha!

Even with my severely abbreviated “Greeting,” over the past 24 hours I have been “viewed” 100 times, “fav’ed” by three guys, received 20 email messages and been “flirted” with a dozen times. Unfortunately I can’t see who’s interested. I can’t read their emails. And I can’t flirt back. Because I haven’t paid to “upgrade.” These web sites say “Join free!” but the only thing you can do for free is, yes, join. Not much else. I’m seriously thinking about forking over the $59.94 for six months just for the sheer hilarity. I mean, check out these mugshots:

They’re enough to make me want to say yes to one of those 20-somethings!

Little Old Ladies

I hate old people. I do. They’re slow and ornery and, well, old. I realize there’s some self-loathing going on here. I’ve never much noticed old people til recently. Of course, I’m talking about aged strangers. I love my parents, their friends, my relatives who are in the vague range of ancient.

I find little old ladies particularly irritating. “Little old lady.” It’s such a quaint term. There are variations: Crone. Hump-backed dowager. Granny. Lavender-haired old ladies. But they all conjure up the same vision: womanhood in its final stage. Bent over and shuffling. Orthopedic shoes and pilled sweaters. Saggy jogging suits or support hose. Smelling of pee and moth balls, cabbage and Dent-u-Cream.

Perhaps I’ve always had an aversion to old ladies. When I was little, playing “Old Maid,” if I got that card, I would hide it under the couch! Grandma made me ham sandwiches with butter and mayonnaise and the crusts cut off. She wasn’t an old lady. She was my Grandma!

Today I saw some little old ladies on Governors Island, hard at work on their watercolor paintings. They both wore big floppy hats, even though they were in the shade, and billowy garments. Old lady clothes. I overheard them talking about their classes. Perhaps they’re watercolor students. Old people have nothing but time, so they take up hobbies. Hobbies! They’re for old people!

My saving grace is that no one will ever call me “little.” It’s not a word usually associated with me. And I’ve never been much of a lady. More than likely I’ll wind up a cranky old cunt. Wait! I already am!

I’m gonna burn in hell.