Anxiety

Yesterday was yet another gorgeous day in New York City. We’ve had day after day of sunshine and blue skies. There have been lovely breezes to mitigate the heat, which hasn’t even been all that awful. It’s definitely “get outside” weather. I love running errands because it gives me an excuse to wander with a purpose. Walking the streets of New York is electric. I heart heart heart this city.

I had my third acupuncture session night before last and it culminated in a bit of a melt-down. Rez told me that was not abnormal, especially after some serious “trigger point” work, which we (I?) experienced; it’s a very bizarre sensation.

Which brings me to my latest “mood check”: anxious. I’m staring down a three month stint in the desert. The geographical space is vast and spectacular and stunning. I love my crew and enjoy the work we do. But there are moments when I feel trapped. There is truly no respite from that vastness. One day it can be breathtaking and humbling, the next it can be stifling and panic-attack-inspiring, breathlessness in a whole new way.

I’m excited to be taking a “newbie” with me to work. It’s the employee/volunteer version of bringing along a virgin to the event. I’ll be able to experience the excitement of being out there early through her eyes. To be present when The Golden Stake is driven into the packed alkali is definitely incredible.

This will be my tenth year. It’s tough, having worked behind the scenes, not to feel jaded — even more jaded than grizzled veterans ordinarily are. I was watching a video of the Temple build that someone posted and, sadly, rather than feeling awe (or whatever), I found myself a bit disgusted…at the amount of wood and man hours being wasted. This isn’t my usual reaction to playa-bound projects. A friend had mentioned feeling the same way about the CORE Project, the “Circle of Regional Effigies,” saying she thought it was wasteful to bring so much wood from such far-flung places, only to burn it on Thursday. Well, that’s the whole point of the event: burning art. Perhaps not the whole point but most definitely an emphasis.

Anyway, so my blend of ambivalence about the art and anxiety about the ex combined with the love love love I’ve been feeling for my city, right here, has been contributing to these feelings of trepidation. Rez asked, “Do you want to go?” It isn’t an easy question to answer. There are many reasons I do want to go. And probably just as many I don’t. Most importantly, I want to have more fun than I did last year. Which shouldn’t be too difficult. And if I’m ever going to get over this ex, it will have to be in close proximity to him, to eradicate the distant mythology of him. Those are probably the two primary reasons I need to go, aside from my actual commitment to work. It will be what it will be and I will be better and stronger on the other side. That’s all I can say.

Perhaps what is contributing most to my emotional confusion is that I don’t feel like I can really, truly get on with my life until after these three months are over. And I am very anxious for that!