Shooting (Jesus) Fish in a Barrel

In my relentless pursuit of hilarity — as opposed to true love — I’ve continued spelunking on the interwebs, which isn’t news to you, my dear readers. Most recently I joined two sites that are so pathetically cringe-worthy that I’m embarrassed to mention them. Well, not that embarrassed. The first one was SeniorPeopleMeet, which I ridiculed in an earlier post. They continue to send me new “matches” and some of the guys don’t look too objectionable. I haven’t forked over the cash to contact anyone, but I might soon, once I’m out in the desert with nothing but time (and a whole lotta booze) on my hands. Stay tuned.

The second one I signed up for is — brace yourselves — ChristianMingle. I KNOW! I’m about as far from religious as can be AND am well aware that the chances of my having anything at all in common with a man who’d be on that site are probably zero. But that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be amusing to try. Who knows? Their tag line is “Find God’s Match for You” (TM). I’d be willing to suspend judgement — and disbelief — if it leads to eternal happiness. Or at least life-long happiness.

I haven’t paid my membership dues, so I can only sit passively while God-fearing men visit my profile, give me “flirts” or send me email messages that I’m unable to read. I’m weighing the idea of actually joining.

Making fun of the fat old men in flannel shirts and baseball caps on SeniorPeopleMeet is easy enough; ridiculing the Christians is more like, literally, shooting (Jesus) fish in a barrel. The mere fact that they go to church doesn’t make for great comedy. However, some of their profile info is ripe for the pickin’:

This hot little number describes himself as “full-figured,” which I’m pretty sure was meant to be for women to click. His favorite TV show is the “700 Club. No surprise, then, that he’s a Conservative. Or that he’s never been married.

This guy could use a better photo. I can’t even see his face. He’s a Catholic and I’m less afraid of them than the Fundamental types and he even drinks “On occasion.” If only I could get a closer look…

Another shot that’s so small I can’t see his face. What is it with guys who pose by their cars? I see it on all the sites. Does it say “Look, I have a car?” Or “Look, I can drive?” Or is just an extension of their penises? Either way, it’s not a good look. What if women posed with their shoe collections? Pets are one thing, as they (supposedly) help to humanize you. Cars just make you look desperate. And don’t get me started on shots beside boats!

Yet another shot of a whole body. Look, I have one! This is the most unfortunate because he actually looks cute. Equally unfortunate, however, is his identifying as an “Ultra Conservative.” The rest of his profile looks acceptable, but his grasp of commas leaves something to be desired: “I am freindly,outgoing,and I love God. I love the outdoors,good food,music and enjoy long rides,” [sic] I adore the fact that he’s “a somewhat fashionable person.” Word. Diggin’ that cowboy hat. “Innewengland,” no less.

On the whole, most of these guys don’t look half bad, to the degree that is’t tough to find fault. Again, not the funniest. That I wouldn’t have much in common with them is sort of beside the point. I’m sure there are plenty of God-fearing women out there anxiously awaiting divine dating intervention.

It’s actually kind of shocking to me that so many people attend church on a weekly basis. Or say they do. If everyone in Manhattan decided to go to church next Sunday I don’t think there’d be room in the local houses of worship to hold them all. Even with staggered services. If Middle America is predominantly Christian, that makes sense. It’s the tri-state area that I assumed was less pious. You know what they say about assumptions. I don’t suppose I need to point out that I live in a bit of a bubble.

I’m also somewhat flummoxed at how few of these folks drink. Many checked “Never.” Never? Really? I could probably get over their church attendance before I could get over their sobriety.

Equally shocking is how many 50-somethings are interested in having children. Do people really want to be in wheelchairs at their kids’ college graduations? Just sayin’.

Okay, so that wasn’t quite as hilarious as I thought it would be. But no less true. Perhaps over the summer I’ll consider becoming “reborn.” Again, stay tuned!

Overall, I’d give this site a shot if I weren’t so afraid of rejection. I mean, once they found out what a heathen I am — in myriad alarming ways — I’m sure I’d get the old heave-ho. Ho-ho. Maybe I’ll create a fictional me and engage in make-believe romancing. Sigh. I’ll look for signs from heaven…

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