What I Want

Well, with all the talk lately of bailing on OkCupid and Ashley Madison, of wailing over the “morally bankrupt” ex’s heinous antics and generally “going negative,” I thought perhaps the prayers and appeals to the universe might work a bit better if I actually delineated what it is I want. I’ll start with the lists I made out in the desert last year and perhaps add a few details.

I want to be loved.
I want to love someone.
I want a thoughtful man.
I want a man with a great job and enough money to keep us both comfortable.
I want a man who can communicate.
I want a man who gives good massages.
I want a man who is tall — 6’3″ or taller!
I want a man who loves my friends and my family.
I want a man with great teeth and great hair.
I want a man who enjoys puzzles and games.
I want a man who will cherish me.
I want a man who will make me laugh.
I want a man to grow old with.
I want a man who I have great sex with and great sexual chemistry with.
I want a man who loves his work.
I want a man who is a great kisser.
I want a man who is generous.
I want a man with nice skin.
I want a faithful man.
I want a man who is physically and emotionally healthy and strong.

I want a job I enjoy.
I want to experience mastery — or at least appreciation and fulfillment.
I want to make a great living — $80,000 a year!
I want my job to be creative and challenging.
I want to work with fun and interesting people.
I want to be in a position with responsibilities.
I want a cool boss — or to be my own boss!
I want a job with flexible hours.
I want a job with great health benefits.
I want a job.

I want a home.
I want a home I can afford.
I want a little Poodle and wifi and my head vases on a little shelf all around the ceilings.
I want clean floors and a coffee maker.
I want a comfortable bed with a fluffy quilt and matching pillows.
I want colorful walls and stained glass.

As you can see, I have a lot of wants! Seriously, it’s been a long year of trying to figure out exactly what it is I do want. I wrote these lists last September, while holed up in my glamorous Burning Man trailer, a glorified box on wheels. It’s home three months a year, with a reasonably comfortable bed (no fluffy quilt or matching pillows, though!), electricity and a dorm fridge. A veritable palace!

Over the past six or seven months I haven’t gotten a whole lot clearer on what I want and it’s pretty tough to visualize your desires when they aren’t fixed in your mind. So I’ve been trying. I now have a home. The floors are clean, if littered with foster dog hair. I’m enjoying the white walls at the moment so I think I’ll keep ’em. I already had some stained glass and my bed is not only comfortable, it has a fluffy quilt with matching pillows! Of course, I’ve had the quilt and pillows for well over a decade, so they could use some updating.

As for being able to afford the place, well, that’s where the “career” comes in. Or the lack of it. For now I am committed to head out into the desert again and work for The Man. But when I get back it’s gonna be time for some serious soul-searching. I can’t afford to be choosey anymore. If I have to clerk at KMart, I will. Whatever happens, I’ll figure it out. And I’ll be writing this blog, along with a book or two, even if I have to self-publish. It’s been long enough.

Which brings us to relationships. If you’ve been reading — and I know you have been! — you know where things stand. I have to wonder how I’m going to meet this mythical man. I’ve more or less given up on the online dating. The parties I go to are attended, primarily, by people half my age. Any men I meet who are over 45 and not using a fucking walker are so impressed with themselves — “Look at me! I have HAIR!” — and I suppose I can’t fault them; I’m pretty impressed with myself, too! But their confidence means they think they qualify for someone hot and young, not a 50-something broad with a blogging problem.

But I’m doing my best to be positive here, right? I’m trusting the universe to provide me, eventually, with the man who will be by my side when I take my last breath. I’m not in too big a hurry. Well, okay, maybe I am. But realistically, perhaps I’ll find someone when I’m older. Or even older than older. When I won’t turn my nose up at a man who looks like Santa or a guy without any hair. But at least I’m putting my shopping list out there.

I could get really particular and say I want someone who can spell and punctuate, someone with blue or green eyes and a foreign accent. I don’t want to narrow my search down to an impossibility but I also don’t want to settle. If you want the elevator pitch, I want someone who will love my like Eric did, kiss me like Johnny did and fuck me like James did.

There was one more list I made. It’s a list of my attributes. What I believe I have to offer a man.

I am attractive.
I am talented.
I am in great shape.
I am healthy.
I have a great body.
I have nice hair.
I have good skin.
I have nice teeth.
I have a great sense of humor.
I am witty.
I am smart.
I am clever.
I am funny.
I am experienced.
I am interesting.
I am a good listener.
I am a great story teller.
I am a great conversationalist.
I am sexy.
I am strong.
I am compassionate.
I am understanding.
I am NOT broken.
I am eager to please.
I am passionate.
I am a considerate lover.
I am a great kisser.
I am fun in bed.
I give great head!
I give great massages.
I am great company.
I am vibrant.
I am powerful.
I am gregarious.
I am exuberant.
I am hopeful.

I know you’re out there! Here I am!

5 responses to “What I Want

  1. If you want love, then you are already lost… you cannot find any of your want list at Ashley Madison… come on really? Everything about your posts is amazing until you put that name in there…and then all of it becomes fog… you have concrete ideas but they evaporate when you speak of morals one second and the very next you bring up the fact you’re a member…. you will not find a faithful man there… and honey, i know you think that I’m ranting against you, when i’m simply asking you to wake up… you’re just as broken as the rest of us….so be careful when you suggest you are NOT broken… it’s a matter of perception and in your case, perception is not reality…


  2. T.,
    You must’ve missed where I mentioned, in this post and others, that I am no longer on Ashley Madison. Also, of the few men I dated from that site, some were single (as some on AM are), some were separated or divorced, but all weren’t what I would call “married” in the proper sense of the word. My intent with that site was never to be the “other woman” but to explore…to find out what their motivations were and to “date” people I didn’t need to care about impressing or seeing again…or sleeping with. It was all very complicated (in my head, at least) and only made me more confused in the end. In short, I am NOT looking for a faithful man on Ashley Madison. I’m not looking for any men online at all anymore. I’m gonna keep my romantic life in the brick-and-mortar world.
    As for being broken, well, perhaps we are all broken to a certain degree. My meaning there was that I am not broken in the way my ex is, unable to feel a true, long-term bond with someone. You are welcome to rant at me all you like. Until you’ve met me in person you simply cannot make a sound judgement about my heart. My morals have always been questionable. But my heart has always had a huge capacity for love. And I can give you plenty of references!

  3. I would argue that if you are “as broken as the rest of us,” it’s pretty remarkable that you are as intact as you are! Given the crooked mile that you’ve walked and everything you’ve experienced to date, the simple fact that you remain a strong, spiritual, grateful being with hope in your soul and passion in your heart is a sign of true character. You’re a marvel, Miss Abby.

    I’d say that your little boat has hit a number of rocks in its voyage yet remains quite seaworthy and moreso than most. Sail on, motherfucker.

  4. Abby, If you’re not a member there anymore, then you’re doing fine…I somehow must have missed that…i thought you were just thinking of dropping your membership… congrats on moving back to moderation… and of course, big hopes that you will find exactly what you want…i’ll be first to root for you!


  5. yourfriendlyokcupidnonfriend

    Another gal, like you, just deleted her okcupid account immediately after chatting with me. I think I will look up her handle to prove it to you. Wait just a sec… kimfal. Coincidence?

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